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Delitescence of failure: Demise sings no elegy

A year ago, I was 40 pounds lighter. Was I happier than now? Hardly. I feel just like always, continuously gaining weight. But when I feel just like always, what’s the problem of being fat? What’s the problem with being alone?

There is no problem.

I used to imagine a tragedy. There is none.

I know and always knew that I will become a fat fart if I continue on this path. But it elicits no feeling anymore, it’s only a thought. So I think: If it feels perfectly fine doing it; if my body is not crying out in desperation, why should I stop?

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How to change body language, thoughts, emotions

Ever tried to force yourself to look confident? Ever tried to force an honest smile? Ever tried to be open or sympathetic to someone, to end up being extremely inauthentic? Have you thus given up and said I am the way I am?

Let me tell you where you went wrong.

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How to stop hating girls and douche bags

New title: Guilt for imperfection & envy

I hated girls, successful people, douche bags. Envy was eating me up. These people made me feel inadequate. I shunned perfectionism – why would anyone torture himself? But did I really want to hate them? Or did I have to hate them?

Is hatred not irrational? Woo, wait a second – what is irrationality? It means I didn’t make a conscious choice to hate. Such, it is subconscious, therefore it can’t be rational. But it’s explainable. With hatred, you distance yourself from something you don’t want to feel.

Is it your fear of rejection that you don’t want to feel?

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The pain of status and rivalry

I am observing a man and two women at the restaurant. My chest is compressed by an invisible pressure strong enough to make it difficult to breathe. What is this? Why should it be so painful to simply look at people?

My gaze is reciprocated a few times, but never held for an extended period of time. My chest loosens up and I calmly continue my observation: A rather uptight, very properly and boringly clothed man is accompanied by two women; despite his glaring uneasiness, they exaggeratedly laugh at things he says, sometimes conjuring a smug smile on his face. Neither he nor they seem to be honestly enjoying themselves.

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When women say: Show your weakness

The best trick of the devil was … you know it, don’t you? His best trick was to invent language to manipulate men. His second best trick was to make them believe in their own integrity and rationality.

I will be writing a lot about language and the way it shapes our thinking. Ever since my Ayahuasca retreat I have been firmly convinced that words are anchors inside our minds to limit our thinking and control us.

Today’s issue is one about the statement: Show your weakness.

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The rationality of the subconscious

A child draws a bloody corpse or paints everything in black. Another child paints flowers and colorful dragons. Whatever. People say women are irrational. People say emotions are irrational. Bullshit. Only a fool considers emotions irrational.

Granted, I am being polemic. After all, the definition of rational thought necessitates consciousness. So by definition it is virtually nonsense to ask whether the subconscious or emotions are rational; to say that one’s emotions are irrational is as useful an information as the claim that apples are not strawberries. Well, they aren’t. Obviously. Is one supposed to be insulted?

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