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Growing up without a father – Part 3: Back home

After everything, there was my chance to get back home. A light at the end of the tunnel.

I convinced my mother by acting super nice for two weeks. I would so fucking make her wish for it that she would disregard all advice from the group supervisors and take me back. I was free. In a way.

Curiously, I have never been bullied. As I have failed to see the encouraging aspects of my interactions with women, maybe in the same way I have failed to even notice anyones attempt to bully me. Maybe I just wasn’t important enough. Maybe I was lucky not to be the weakest one. Maybe my classmates were simply … more mature. Maybe they knew I would have kicked their teeth in, or tried to. But I think I wouldn’t have, if they would have been stronger and in the majority. I was a bully sometimes, but that also makes me a coward – to a stronger person, I seldom hold my ground.

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Neediness: Do you want to be in the moment?

This is all about a decision. Have you ever wondered why you can’t lose fat? Why you can’t do X? Why you had to fight and lose against the insatiable urge to sabotage yourself? Ever wondered why you can’t focus during emotional stress?

Fair enough, maybe you haven’t. But this isn’t your story.

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When women say: Show your weakness

The best trick of the devil was … you know it, don’t you? His best trick was to invent language to manipulate men. His second best trick was to make them believe in their own integrity and rationality.

I will be writing a lot about language and the way it shapes our thinking. Ever since my Ayahuasca retreat I have been firmly convinced that words are anchors inside our minds to limit our thinking and control us.

Today’s issue is one about the statement: Show your weakness.

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The truth behind narcissism and the wish for power

This is a moment where everything falls into place and starts to make sense. An epiphany. I actually already had this important realization once in my life. But I didn’t write back then. Luckily, I will not have to make the mistake of forgetting again.

Psychological jargon is often confusing and quite analytical. The integration of mother-objects and whatnot. It may have some merit to have a scheme and a model, just like the Bohr model of the atom. Yet this model is way more helpful for empirists and people who want to sound smart. It’s also okay for psychologists who want to speculate about the causes. But to the narcissist himself, a list of symptoms is a useless joke. How will that help him understand his problem?

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Mor – a new name for butterflies in the stomach

Fucking butterflies in the stomach. What idiot invented that? How do you feel? Butterflies in my stomach. What kind of answer is that? And what if you feel it in your chest? Butterflies in my chest? To me, it does feel nothing like butterflies.

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Review of “Manipulism and the Weapon of Guilt”

Or: Is dystopia real?

Manipulism and the Weapon of Guilt: Collectivism Exposed is a book written by Mikkel Clair Nissen, a man I have known through Facebook for two years and whom I value as an honest person and discussion partner. I wish I could say friend, but I have not met him yet. There will be a time for that.

Mikkel’s book touches upon a topic that has had great impact on my life: narcissism and the politics that a narcissist desires, namely a welfare state.

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How to respond warmly with authenticity

I mentioned that I am a narcissist. That means that I am obsessed with the image other people have of me. When I say obsessed, I mean like with a drug. You can abstain from a drug for a long time and be happy; for me, that means to be alone or act in a way that will alienate people quickly. But if I am exposed to the drug, it’s hard to think clearly about it, especially if I haven’t had it in a long time.

For me, that is to get some form of admiration – or rather, being identified with a self-image I like; ironically, even being called an asshole can function that way.

How can I overcome that in order to be authentic and warmly answer an email?

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Why assholes are greater people

Whom am I calling an asshole? A person who doesn’t care what I think about him. What do I mean by doesn’t care? The person is not emotionally affected by it. It’s unfair to call these great people assholes, but they can take it.

There is a special kind of comfort about being around invulnerable people that appeals especially to otherwise insecure or careful people. Like me.

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