A place for a

23.06.2016

The devilish male co-dependent double bind, or, anatomy of a cuck

A double bind, as I see it, is a situation where one is confronted with two conflicting desires, effectively rendering the person helpless and making a solution of the problem impossible. It is the scenario of being between a rock and a hard place. Having to evade an approaching train by jumping down from a bridge.

One of the meanest double binds I have experienced and lived with most of my life is something I would say is typical for co-dependent men, especially when it comes to dating, or, to be more precise, living out the sexual drive. But it does not only apply to fucking girls. It also applies to situations of open confrontation and conflict.

The double bind goes something like this:

  1. You have to be liked, wanted, desired and respected.
  2. To be liked, wanted, desired or respected, you have to be confident.
  3. To be confident means to not be dependent on being liked, wanted, desired or respected.

Now, note that I am not talking about objective truths. I am talking about deep, ingrained beliefs and compulsions.

Continue reading “The devilish male co-dependent double bind, or, anatomy of a cuck

22.06.2016

Proof (?) that morals are man-made fiction

I will try and make a logical argument that morals are an exclusively human invention and therefore less important in the big picture than we may think. A part of the argument is of Machiavellian nature, but without the negative connotation.

A fine conclusion from it is that it is okay to forgive ourselves and others even the most so-called heinous crimes. And let go of pain.

My argument is really simple. I will give you the short version now and then elaborate a bit. It goes as follows:

Morals in the way we know them are exclusive to the human species. God likely does not punish animals for acting in a manner that would be considered immoral from a human perspective, nor is it likely that they feel guilt or shame for such behavior. Also very likely, our soul – the essence of our being – is not human. Therefore, it is unlikely that God favors human souls over animal souls, since the soul in itself is not human and is thus equal to any other soul. Hence, morals are an exclusive human instrument, primarily used for intra-species power plays – be that a good or bad thing, if you get the pun.

Well, that turned out to be not quite as clear as I hoped it would, but it should suffice to give you the gist for now.

So now, let me elaborate a little.

Continue reading “Proof (?) that morals are man-made fiction

11.06.2016

How to put stupid bitches in their place

After so many articles about unconditional love and all that, let’s have some variety. Sometimes anger and violence can be a good tool to enforce your personal boundaries. For example to shield yourself against bitchiness, guilt-trips, shaming and passive aggressive shit. And against overt aggression as well, of course.

This is something that happened to me a while ago on the street, as I was out to get some food. An small old haggard cunt with grey dyke-cut hair walked past some beggar who owned a dog. She screeched at him and said That is a nono! This is forbidden! I did not care for the dog or the beggar, but her toxic nature made me instinctively turn around and show her my face with disgust written on it. If she wants to go around throwing her black shit at everyone, she may as well get some back. Karma.

I looked away and she passed by. She then said behind my back, snarkily and bitchily Do not look that way! With that tone of supremacy.

Continue reading “How to put stupid bitches in their place

10.06.2016

Fear is a program on your body computer

I wanted to go to the city today to buy something. As I contemplated the idea, I started to feel anxious. The idea of being in the city centre with lots of people around me did not feel absolutely terrifying, but still very uncomfortable. Social anxiety, or perhaps a mild agoraphobia, would be the correct scientific term.

Usually, I just push this stuff down and throw myself into the situation – or avoid it altogether. But in the long term, this kind of coping seems to make things worse, not better.

An idea that sometimes helps me be mindful about my emotions and thoughts is to see myself as pure consciousness or soul – let me call it operator for the sake of this article – residing in a human body, which I interpret as a computer with software on it. Or a tablet or an iPhone, whatever you can identify most with.

This concept helps me to detach enough from my emotions and reactions to observe them and try to understand them.

Social anxiety can be such a program. Its basic functionality is: Look for signs of social contact. If detected, create a push notification to notify the operator about the danger, and create physical resistance in the form of automated movements and/or pain to avoid exposure to the danger.

Continue reading “Fear is a program on your body computer

04.06.2016

The ways we give up personal power

I have been pretty obsessed with the idea of unconditional love recently. And I still think it is an important thing to get to know, even if I am not there yet. But my obsession may have blinded me to other aspects of reality. Yesterday, I came over an article that elaborates on the power chakra.

It made me think about the ways in which I give up personal power in my daily life. The ways I either compromise my own boundaries or disrespect those of others.

A very good example of this is how I used to follow around women, listening to their personal problems and stories, in the hopes for more – which never came. It was draining, but I was not respecting my gut feeling there. In fact, I was ashamed of it. Recently, I have become angry about that and I have even written angry text messages to those girls.

But the important insight for me is that I have indeed allowed them to use me for their nonsense and then discard me, even if that was on an unconscious level. They were only doing what I, on an energetic level, gave them permission to do. I had hidden motives, sure, but they still did nothing I did not fully allow them to do in my heart (or power chakra?).

Continue reading “The ways we give up personal power

26.02.2016

On the nature of the male and the female

In a recent article, I noted that in pictures of couples, the man often seems to lose himself in the moment and is simply happy, while the girl always keeps a kind of attentiveness in her gaze that may betray a hint of contempt. This stands as a representative of a general difference between the sexes that I observe.

Today, I watched three nigger kids around the age of 8 play – two girls and a boy.

The boy had this kind of happy and innocent curiosity and a relaxed smile on his face. Once he decided to stand in the middle of the walkway and imitate a policeman on a crossing. He extended his arms and whenever somebody came by, he playfully turned 90 degrees and let that person pass. He was likable and made people smile.

The girls were a little older than him and had this same attentive – actually controlling – gaze I described earlier. They were arrogant and unabashed. Intuitively, I would say that their way to interact with the world in that moment was control and manipulation. Their main interest, if my empathy allows so much insight, was to look at people and coldly analyze them for emotional anchors they could use and then do just that – not so much for their personal benefit perhaps as for the sheer joy of having power. Once, one of the girls sat down on a chair, spread her legs very far and loudly proclaimed something in African sounding language to get attention. And again, it did not seem like she really needed the attention as much as she wanted to try out the effect her behavior would have on others. In short, they were plain annoying and even at this young age: Bitches.

I always thought they behaved like bitches because I was doing something wrong. But it is just who they are.

The female like a luring tigress and the male like a loyal joyous dog.

27.01.2016

Afraid of hurting women

I remember this one time that I almost had a girlfriend. After that one, I completely shut off my heart I think. Not that it was not my fault to a large extent, as I was damaged goods already, but it was enough to dishearten me enough, because subconsciously I must have known that the cause for me being rejected was one that would not fade away anytime soon.

Anyway, we were in cinema and I was holding her hand. And she said that it takes a lot of trust to put one’s tender hand into another. She was a violinist.

Sure, there were many components to the whole situation. But the most important one was that I seemed very afraid of touch. Afraid to touch her. Today, I see that a large part of that fear was the fear to hurt her. The fear to do one wrong move and with that move reveal something dark within myself. I was so overly careful that she rejected me the same evening literally for being bodyless.

Those articles about rape I wrote, that all men are rapists. I wanted to believe it is true. Wanted to believe that it is just me who is too afraid to kinda be one. But secretly, even if everybody approved of it, I think I would still have trouble with the whole rough sex thing.

Continue reading “Afraid of hurting women

13.01.2016

Things the modern man feels ashamed of or guilty for in himself

Sweat, smell, body odor, genitals, ass, asshole, shit, penis, piss, cum, sexual attraction, love, smile, authority, dominance, masculinity, submissiveness, weakness, needs, kindness, tolerance, intolerance, deciciveness, spirituality, intuition, gayness, abnormal behavior, abnormal movements, abnormal voice or intonation, personality, being himself, wanting to take a woman, rape, murder, bloodlust, aggression, conflict, contempt, disgust, anger, rage, sadness, disappointment, grief, crying, complaining, being a victim, getting abused, being wrong, disagreement, doubt, disobedience, laziness, unreliability, inconsistency, immorality, sins, guilt, shame, tears, pouting, feeling insulted, feeling, emotions, hatred, being dumb, being unskilled, being worse than another, losing, winning, being better than another, pride, defeat, victory, opinion, protest, rebellion, independence, solitude, loneliness, friendlessness, offensive personality, bluntness, curiosity, questioning, insisting, being difficult, being docile, being disrespected, being respected, being loved, not being loved, rejection, rejecting others, caring, feminine side, masculine side, evil, greatness, humility, patheticness, irrationality, extreme emotions, competitiveness, challenging personality, original thought, rudeness, embarassing himself, discomfort, comfort, weirdness, awkward situations, not being smooth, talent, impoliteness, mental problems, health problems, financial problems, problems, arrogance, hubris, lack of approval, disappointing others, failing expectations, uncertainty, lack of confidence, confidence, existence, body, violence, strength, power, wish for power, wisdom, dirty thoughts, fetishes, selfishness, self.

So. What remains of the modern man? What is he proud to be – if he can be proud? Ah.

Working hard, serving others, pleasing his woman, being a hero, selflessness, niceness, obedience, dutifulness, consuming food and beverages, getting drunk, discipline, being a good man, having women, having high status, being respectable, indifference, rationality, suppressed emotions, doing the right thing, serving his fatherland, going to war, dying, being a martyr, being able to tolerate abuse, not insisting on getting his way, not being difficult, fulfilling expectations, making others proud, loving others like the self, worshipping Jesus, hating his job, finding life miserable, waiting for the coffee break, hating his job, politeness, social skills, drinking beer, eating hamburgers.

Well. Feel free to add whatever I missed.

07.01.2016

We always atttract what we really want

A slut parade marcher attracts rapusts, somewhat. In short, a slutty dress for the freedom of expression attracts rape.

I got into a fistfight with a cop because I wanted to freely express myself and disobey his bullying. And they put me in a mental hospital with body restraints.

In a way, the less you try to impose your magnificence on others out of protest – the lesser your fear of unfreedom – and the more you let it flow, the greater effective freedom you gain in every single moment of your lived experience.

Fuck this weird world, right?

My spelling mistake will attract somebody who will correct it – unless perhaps, he reads this sentence.

18.12.2015

Why I do not learn game

When I see a confident and relaxed man with his girl on the street, I just know it. I know there is something wrong with me. I know that this man has something I lack. It hurts. It makes me feel lost, inferior, fallen, alone.

This man has trust in himself.

I have been running from this feeling my whole life. I thought if I could just imitate that man, do whatever he does, act like he acts, move like he moves, speak like he speaks; if I could convince everybody that I am in fact that man, I could start believing it myself.

I wanted to believe that everybody is just faking it, because I was. I wanted the world to be a show, so that I could run from that deeply seated, but vague notion I call inner emptiness for lack of a better word. Run from my overwhelming shame for not being who I should be, shame for that leaking wound in my soul that surely was my own fault, a wound that was an abomination and an insult to they eyes of everybody I dared to show it to.

When a girl I desired told me that I was not confident enough to be attractive, I knew she was right. But I did not even have enough confidence to acknowledge this. I did not even have enough trust in my own judgment to acknowledge the obvious truth. Instead, I hated her. I still hate her. I hate all the people who pry open my soul and expose it to my eyes, to my eyes that want to look away in terror, look away from the monstrosity I carry inside myself, that steaming graveyard of emotions.

Continue reading “Why I do not learn game