A place for a

17.06.2016

A letter from his daughter

Paul got a letter from his daughter. He hesitated to read it. He put it away for a long time until he brought up the courage to open it. It said:

 

Hi daddy,

I had this voice in my head all my life. A voice that was telling me that I am a miserable piece of shit. That I don’t deserve love, don’t deserve pleasure, don’t deserve a fulfilling sex life.

Once the voice appeared in my dreams. It was the devil. A horrifying black cloud of terror. In that dream, I tried to fight him. Was it a him? Or was it an it? I tried to fight it, but my limbs were frozen. I could not move, as much as I tried. It ridiculed me and said You are mine. I whimpered and kept repeating to myself, No, no, no, oh please, god, no! Reality was disintegrating.

I woke up shaken and out of my mind. I pushed it all away, it could not be. I forced myself to forget about it.

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14.06.2016

Short story: Altropia

May 9th, 2124 – The United Science Foundation of Altropia celebrates a critical breakthrough in space-time research.

June 15th, 2130 – The United Science Foundation of Altropia develops the first functioning prototype of the time machine.

January 1st, 2135 – The government of Altropia decides to travel back in time and bring a citizen from the 20th century back into the future, to grant him the great privilege of witnessing the society of Altropia – the first successful society consequently based on the altruistic principle.

February 2nd, 2135 – Jack Sober wakes up in a luxurious apartment in the Redwood District of Altropia’s capital, Veritruismo, after falling into a drunken delirium in the gutter of 1950’s New York City, U.S.A.. Jack thinks he must be the happiest bum on earth to have such a marvelous dream.

March 2nd, 2135 – Jack has been in Altropia for one month. Now follows the description of his day in the past tense.

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12.06.2016

Anger

Anger. Anger so strong it seems to tear your muscles. Anger so strong it makes you want to throw up. Anger so strong it makes you feel dead. Anger fueled by shame, hatred, fear and time. Anger you can not contain, anger that takes you over and makes you its slave. Anger that makes you think of murder when you see beauty. Anger that burns, anger that freezes. Anger that isolates you, anger that makes you enjoy misery. Anger that violates your senses, anger that radiates, anger that consumes love and spits it out in disgust. Anger without trust. Anger unspoken of, anger not allowed to exist. Anger braking joy, anger breaking toys. Anger that destroys gods. Anger that belongs to a god. Anger in the shadows, anger burning meadows. Anger that does not forgive, anger that is unforgiven. Anger that attacks itself, anger yearning for hell. Anger seeking justice, seeking cause. Anger that is lost. Anger never born, anger full of scorn. Anger spreading terror, anger that is an error.

Anger that is a stranger. Anger that is a friend.

Beloved anger, forever mine, I am forever thine. Goodbye.

10.02.2016

Anti-indoctrination indoctrination

This is a tough nut cookie to crack and subversive. You are trying to open up to something new, but then your subconscious picks up on some pattern and triggers your defenses. For example, you may want to partake in a healing ritual, but then you recognize that there is a shaman and that the whole thing is demonic and evil, which closes you up to it.

Ironically, to protect someone from indoctrination, you have to make him aware of the ways in which he will be indoctrinated. But that is indoctrination in and of itself and ultimately only a safeguard for loyalty to possible bullshit.

Those weed smoking hippies are brainless and no good.

Those occult witchmasters will steal your soul.

Those conspiracy theorists are all morons who just want to see what is not there.

You learn these ideas in a friendly environment that you trust.

Another one: Men are evil, vile and selfish. The assholes will try to take you away from my safe and good teachings and that will be your downfall.

In principle, you describe human behavior typical for a belief group and then shame it or associate it with fear. If these successfully predict a pattern of behavior that would naturally challenge your beliefs, the safeguard knocks in.

Call the lion a lion to shame it. Oh, you are just being a lion here, shame on you!

27.01.2016

Afraid of hurting women

I remember this one time that I almost had a girlfriend. After that one, I completely shut off my heart I think. Not that it was not my fault to a large extent, as I was damaged goods already, but it was enough to dishearten me enough, because subconsciously I must have known that the cause for me being rejected was one that would not fade away anytime soon.

Anyway, we were in cinema and I was holding her hand. And she said that it takes a lot of trust to put one’s tender hand into another. She was a violinist.

Sure, there were many components to the whole situation. But the most important one was that I seemed very afraid of touch. Afraid to touch her. Today, I see that a large part of that fear was the fear to hurt her. The fear to do one wrong move and with that move reveal something dark within myself. I was so overly careful that she rejected me the same evening literally for being bodyless.

Those articles about rape I wrote, that all men are rapists. I wanted to believe it is true. Wanted to believe that it is just me who is too afraid to kinda be one. But secretly, even if everybody approved of it, I think I would still have trouble with the whole rough sex thing.

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23.01.2016

What is a delusion? Past reality or genetic memory?

The doctors think I am schizophrenic, because it seems bizarre that I would get into a fight with a cop. So, am I? Well, I think I actually am. That is, I think that the extended definition that spans three papers fits me often enough. But so do some personality disorders.

Is schizophrenia a firm thing that the definition hints at or is the definition the thing itself? For example, there are intuitive concepts like an honest smile that healthy people will recognize as a distinct thing while mentally impaired may not.

Schizophrenia is, first and foremost, a word.

Is schizophrenia like a smile? A distinguishable aura that healthy people clearly see? Or is it a rather nebulous concept used whenever something a person says or does seems bizarre? I can clearly see how my behavior seems bizarre to an outsider. And yet, from my own standpoint, it seems almost perfectly logical.

Without wasting time about the question of whether schizophrenia is a real thing, let me just ask: What are delusions?

I have two or three ideas.

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13.01.2016

Things the modern man feels ashamed of or guilty for in himself

Sweat, smell, body odor, genitals, ass, asshole, shit, penis, piss, cum, sexual attraction, love, smile, authority, dominance, masculinity, submissiveness, weakness, needs, kindness, tolerance, intolerance, deciciveness, spirituality, intuition, gayness, abnormal behavior, abnormal movements, abnormal voice or intonation, personality, being himself, wanting to take a woman, rape, murder, bloodlust, aggression, conflict, contempt, disgust, anger, rage, sadness, disappointment, grief, crying, complaining, being a victim, getting abused, being wrong, disagreement, doubt, disobedience, laziness, unreliability, inconsistency, immorality, sins, guilt, shame, tears, pouting, feeling insulted, feeling, emotions, hatred, being dumb, being unskilled, being worse than another, losing, winning, being better than another, pride, defeat, victory, opinion, protest, rebellion, independence, solitude, loneliness, friendlessness, offensive personality, bluntness, curiosity, questioning, insisting, being difficult, being docile, being disrespected, being respected, being loved, not being loved, rejection, rejecting others, caring, feminine side, masculine side, evil, greatness, humility, patheticness, irrationality, extreme emotions, competitiveness, challenging personality, original thought, rudeness, embarassing himself, discomfort, comfort, weirdness, awkward situations, not being smooth, talent, impoliteness, mental problems, health problems, financial problems, problems, arrogance, hubris, lack of approval, disappointing others, failing expectations, uncertainty, lack of confidence, confidence, existence, body, violence, strength, power, wish for power, wisdom, dirty thoughts, fetishes, selfishness, self.

So. What remains of the modern man? What is he proud to be – if he can be proud? Ah.

Working hard, serving others, pleasing his woman, being a hero, selflessness, niceness, obedience, dutifulness, consuming food and beverages, getting drunk, discipline, being a good man, having women, having high status, being respectable, indifference, rationality, suppressed emotions, doing the right thing, serving his fatherland, going to war, dying, being a martyr, being able to tolerate abuse, not insisting on getting his way, not being difficult, fulfilling expectations, making others proud, loving others like the self, worshipping Jesus, hating his job, finding life miserable, waiting for the coffee break, hating his job, politeness, social skills, drinking beer, eating hamburgers.

Well. Feel free to add whatever I missed.

27.12.2015

The black hole I come from

When all was dark and wet, I already knew I was not welcome. Then I came out, somebody held me and that black devil was waiting to hold me in her hands, the devil I had come out of. I protested and screamed in terror, but every baby screams. The black devil pulsated in a cloud of fluttering malice as it took me in her arms and filled my heart with ice. Had I had any hair, it would have stood up all over my body. I had to suck on her teat of sick skin, revulsed as I was. Had to swallow her toxic milk full of madness while all my senses protested; it was like drinking oil from the earth, more nourishing but less appetizing. I imagined myself as a spectator.

In this way I was introduced to the pretense of love.

18.12.2015

Why I do not learn game

When I see a confident and relaxed man with his girl on the street, I just know it. I know there is something wrong with me. I know that this man has something I lack. It hurts. It makes me feel lost, inferior, fallen, alone.

This man has trust in himself.

I have been running from this feeling my whole life. I thought if I could just imitate that man, do whatever he does, act like he acts, move like he moves, speak like he speaks; if I could convince everybody that I am in fact that man, I could start believing it myself.

I wanted to believe that everybody is just faking it, because I was. I wanted the world to be a show, so that I could run from that deeply seated, but vague notion I call inner emptiness for lack of a better word. Run from my overwhelming shame for not being who I should be, shame for that leaking wound in my soul that surely was my own fault, a wound that was an abomination and an insult to they eyes of everybody I dared to show it to.

When a girl I desired told me that I was not confident enough to be attractive, I knew she was right. But I did not even have enough confidence to acknowledge this. I did not even have enough trust in my own judgment to acknowledge the obvious truth. Instead, I hated her. I still hate her. I hate all the people who pry open my soul and expose it to my eyes, to my eyes that want to look away in terror, look away from the monstrosity I carry inside myself, that steaming graveyard of emotions.

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