A place for a


Don’t hate your mother for your slave mentality

I grew up with a mother that smothered me. Somewhere I read the parable that it is much like forcing someone’s head down with a foot while that person tries to stand up. It was for quite some time that I had trouble understanding men’s wishes for feminine women, because I had always wished myself a stronger mother – a wish that would translate into my desires for girls.

It has taken me my whole life until now to understand that there possibly wasn’t so much wrong with my mother. My grandmother even more may have been the epitome of a caring, feminine woman in her youth. There was always something wrong with my mother, hinted at by a mental illness that required psychiatric medication. But my grandmother was the kind of grandmother you read about in fairy tales: selfless, caring, a great cook.

Yet all those great qualities came at a price I never understood.

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Who am I: How to find yourself

Who am I? Am I a soul inside a body or am I a body that has a soul? What the fuck. Finding your self can’t be that difficult, can it. I need to know who I am! Wait. Why do I need to know it? When did I start to ask this question and who gave it to me? Is there some divine thing that has cruelly decided to torture me with incomprehensibly complex mazes? If there is a god, wouldn’t he want life for me to be simple enough to be able to live?

I’m slowly getting tired of debunking nonsense. No, it’s not your fault, you didn’t ask for it; it’s just me growing up. Three months ago I was obsessed with all kinds of seemingly deep questions. I thought that if I answer them all, I’ll find peace. Figures that they weren’t even relevant and merely a procrastination of pursuing my goals.

To find my self, to know who I am. One of those questions.

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Somewhere out there or deep inside

Sometimes I think, there’s gotta be something out there. Yeah, me too. Really? Let’s kiss.

Sometimes I think, there’s gotta be something out there. I don’t understand. Oh, you will, some day.

But maybe it’s not even something to be found out there. Maybe you have to go deep inside yourself to find it.

Or you are just bat-shit crazy.

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Neediness: Do you want to be in the moment?

This is all about a decision. Have you ever wondered why you can’t lose fat? Why you can’t do X? Why you had to fight and lose against the insatiable urge to sabotage yourself? Ever wondered why you can’t focus during emotional stress?

Fair enough, maybe you haven’t. But this isn’t your story.

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