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Delitescence of failure: Demise sings no elegy

A year ago, I was 40 pounds lighter. Was I happier than now? Hardly. I feel just like always, continuously gaining weight. But when I feel just like always, what’s the problem of being fat? What’s the problem with being alone?

There is no problem.

I used to imagine a tragedy. There is none.

I know and always knew that I will become a fat fart if I continue on this path. But it elicits no feeling anymore, it’s only a thought. So I think: If it feels perfectly fine doing it; if my body is not crying out in desperation, why should I stop?

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How much of a man do you need to be?

Three acquaintances of mine were or are seeing a psychotherapist. One of them is becoming a good friend and I can see that he is making great steps to become the person he wants to be. He often asks me if I am going to consider psychotherapy.

Another friend joined Scientology. From what I see on his Facebook wall, he’s meeting lots of people and engaging in many social activities. He looks happy on his pictures. He is certain that Scientology’s pursuit of a free mind is quite the thing I would like.

Just two of many examples of people who live a life I don’t. People who surpass me in social skills, courage, confidence, strength, intellect, spirituality.

I see their flourishing personalities and feel a deep desire to be on par. Yet apart from the guilt of not being good enough, I don’t really wish to do anything about most of it.

How much of a man do I need to be?

Continue reading “How much of a man do you need to be?