A place for a

28.03.2015

One day, you will make a woman very happy

Oh, that’s wonderful. One day, a girl will love me just the way I am. Wait, what? What the fuck do you mean, one day I will make a woman happy? Fuck you. What do you think I live for, wanton witch? You make me happy, girl, or you leave.

I am to search for the woman that I will make happy? Hell, no. Why did I hate women? Because every time I see them, I feel the need to prove how great I am. My mother brought me up to make a girl very happy. She and the other old hags, her friends, would say what a great man I had become. Hell, I was proud of that.

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27.03.2015

Andreas Lubitz, I love you

I walk past the newspaper stand. Big letters say “He”. Wait, where did I hear that? Oh right, I myself called him the he. The devil. Seems stupid, I only see the picture of a guy at the beach. I laugh out loud. Yeah, he. Uh-huh.

The devil is scary, sure. But there’s some excitement involved in fighting him, undeniably. He is the absolute evil. He is exempt from morals. Or is he?

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27.03.2015

Meaning of fantasies of rape, sleeping girls and necrophilia

For the most part of my life I have been strongly turned on by fantasies of rape, of fucking a girl who either sleeps or is apathetic and, less often, necrophilia. The more I would masturbate and build up tolerance, the more violent the fantasies would become. These fantasies also contain elements of humiliation in the form of forcing girls I know from real life, especially confident girls, to do disgusting things, e.g. zoophilia and eating each other’s shit. It’s not that I don’t find it disgusting, painful and even shameful – it is that these feelings are strongly linked to my sense of arousal. But even though I have these fantasies, the concept of BDSM used to leave me cold – because it was consensual.

In contrast to this, my fantasies of consensual sex used to be flowery scenes where I would do everything to please the girl and gently show her my love. Boring.

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26.03.2015

How much of a man do you need to be?

Three acquaintances of mine were or are seeing a psychotherapist. One of them is becoming a good friend and I can see that he is making great steps to become the person he wants to be. He often asks me if I am going to consider psychotherapy.

Another friend joined Scientology. From what I see on his Facebook wall, he’s meeting lots of people and engaging in many social activities. He looks happy on his pictures. He is certain that Scientology’s pursuit of a free mind is quite the thing I would like.

Just two of many examples of people who live a life I don’t. People who surpass me in social skills, courage, confidence, strength, intellect, spirituality.

I see their flourishing personalities and feel a deep desire to be on par. Yet apart from the guilt of not being good enough, I don’t really wish to do anything about most of it.

How much of a man do I need to be?

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20.03.2015

How to stop hating girls and douche bags

New title: Guilt for imperfection & envy

I hated girls, successful people, douche bags. Envy was eating me up. These people made me feel inadequate. I shunned perfectionism – why would anyone torture himself? But did I really want to hate them? Or did I have to hate them?

Is hatred not irrational? Woo, wait a second – what is irrationality? It means I didn’t make a conscious choice to hate. Such, it is subconscious, therefore it can’t be rational. But it’s explainable. With hatred, you distance yourself from something you don’t want to feel.

Is it your fear of rejection that you don’t want to feel?

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12.03.2015

When women say: Show your weakness

The best trick of the devil was … you know it, don’t you? His best trick was to invent language to manipulate men. His second best trick was to make them believe in their own integrity and rationality.

I will be writing a lot about language and the way it shapes our thinking. Ever since my Ayahuasca retreat I have been firmly convinced that words are anchors inside our minds to limit our thinking and control us.

Today’s issue is one about the statement: Show your weakness.

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02.03.2015

Review of “Manipulism and the Weapon of Guilt”

Or: Is dystopia real?

Manipulism and the Weapon of Guilt: Collectivism Exposed is a book written by Mikkel Clair Nissen, a man I have known through Facebook for two years and whom I value as an honest person and discussion partner. I wish I could say friend, but I have not met him yet. There will be a time for that.

Mikkel’s book touches upon a topic that has had great impact on my life: narcissism and the politics that a narcissist desires, namely a welfare state.

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