A place for a

14.05.2017

I wish I could feel my pain

When you just want to cry and hope let go one day, but your nervous system, even after all those years, is still on high alert, and you can’t even start to allow yourself to feel … and you realize you are lightyears away from healing … and too far away from it to even allow yourself to feel the devastation about how far away from it you are.

And you see life pass you by, seeing all the things you could have, could enjoy, could love. And you see that you cannot stop time. That you cannot take a time out until you’re fixed and then jump right back in. That you are forced to watch as life passes you by, and forced to listen to people telling you “well why don’t you go participate”, but you know that even if you did force yourself to participate, you would feel nothing. It would be as if a deaf person listened to Procol Harum [insert any other music that snobs think is great].

And not only do you see life pass you by. You sit on a lifetime of lost joy and pain that you cannot process. And it only keeps stacking up and getting worse. To the point that you do not even dare to admit that joy exists anymore, because it would drive you insane.

And just as you sit there and contemplate these things and feel the ever so slight hint of acceptance creeping into the moment, the inner watchdog shouts out loud and throws you back into unconsciousness, non-existence, into your nervous system’s routine of suppressing you and pretending you don’t exist.

And then you appear careless and aloof. As if nothing fazes you. But it’s not you who appears so, then. It’s that nervous system. Your nervous system is aloof and careless. Because the nervous system has learned that it mustn’t be anything more than that. So everything that is more than that, the nervous system denies.

And here the nervous system concludes the post with a cruel “Fuck life”, with another involuntary rejection of all that is desired, while the half-dead, half-alive self that mustn’t exist, doesn’t exist, can’t exist, silently weeps for half a second in the background, before it gets shut down and forgotten by the nervous system – like so many times before.

25.02.2017

My “philosophical” explanation of why religion and other oppressive belief systems are successful

Maybe the reason that religion works is this:

It is philosophically impossible to disprove something just because it has never been observed.

Of course, there is no reason to believe it either.

But then, our human nature seems strongly influenced by fear.

That is, even when there is no real reason to really believe in the existence of God, evolution has “programmed” us so that the mere possibility of the existence of a threat (hell) motivates us to avoid it, even if we may err on the side of too much safety.

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14.02.2017

A vision from a weird kind of hell …

You are in a big prom hall. You hear beautiful fairy tale songs from your childhood. Everyone seems in ecstasy and full of joy. Your grandparents are around you and you remember being with them while you were small. And the almost Christmaslike innocent kitsch music fills the room with childlike wonder.

Now a group of men walk in. They carry axes and swords. They start killing and ripping apart all your loved ones.

If this was a normal avantgarde movie, that in itself would be provocative enough. The music would now switch to some weird horror music.

But not in hell. No.

In hell, the innocent childlike music keeps playing, lulling you into feelings of comfort and joy. And at the same time you see the horror before your eyes … and since you are so nicely conditioned to be hypnotized by beautiful music and let it dictate your judgment and mood ….

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19.01.2017

The cruelty of man and the inherent hypocrisy of “morals”

Man is not meek nor does man fear his own cruelty. But he fears that if he admitted his own cruelty, he would validate the cruelty of others, which would put him in danger.

Thus hiding his own cruelty he convinces others that he is meek, thus winning their trust and resources.

Many who pretend they are meek then so find together as a community.

Thus community is something born entirely out of selfish interests. Pretending to be meek is the best way – at least in our society that I know – to ensure safety of the self. Selfish satisfaction.

And when one stops pretending, he is shunned. Not because he is ‘worse’ than the others. But because someone else who doesn’t feel obliged to pretend is an inherent danger to the self.

Ironically, you can not ‘explain’ to that person why he should be pretending. So what you do is – you unleash your own beast on that non-pretender. And he ‘learns’ that the pretense is better. And on the surface you may say to that person ‘You have been bad and this is your punishment.’ But that’s only the surface. The real communication is through pain and that one doesn’t lie. It says: I am a beast and I will keep hurting you until you do as I wish you to do.

Unfortunately this contradiction between verbal and non-verbal communication leads to madness. Classical double bind. It creates a disconnect between the mind and the body. And the result is what we all know as ‘hypocrisy’. It is a man whose mind doesn’t understand his body and whose body doesn’t understand his mind.

I really never understood why people thought ‘altruism’ was not selfish…

29.09.2016

Stop intellectual objectification

Feminism claims it is for … what, equality? Humanity? Whatever. What it is not, is humane. Not humane enough, anyhow.

Feminists are bright vanilla when it comes to being non-judgmental. They think they are on to something big, but they are really just a controlled opposition of the still rampant patriarchy.

They are so vanilla that they aren’t even really vanilla. They are more like water with a homeopathic amount of vanilla flavor and their fragile mental immune systems have a tough time dealing even with that.

29cab9199591170f15873c66a441f519No, my friend. They are blind. They scream “Stop sexism! Judge me by my skills and intellect instead!”

Yes, my friend, you heard that right. They actually think it is okay to judge a human being by her skill or intellect.

Mindlessly, feminists spread extremely intellectistic memes (and more) that advocate to “choose an intelligent woman over a beautiful woman”, for instance because you can “fuck with her mind” or indeed claim that “intelligence makes true beauty”. Slightly off-topic, they sometimes say “personality makes true beauty”; I will talk about this in a separate article about personalityism.

‘Stop judging me by my body. Judge me by my brain!’, they scream.

Not only do they still hold on to patriarchial concepts like “beauty” and, in fact, “desirability”, but they openly and bluntly discriminate against dumb people. Well, dumbness is of course a social construct, as we all know, but still, absolutely unacceptable! This “intellectual girl” fetishism has to stop.

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17.09.2016

Darth Vader is the product of a single mother, one-itis and white-knighting

Anakin Skywalker grew up with a single mother. There was no father there to shield him from all the feminine attention and coddling that he got from her; and perhaps to teach him through his presence that one will, in life, always have competition over a woman’s affection and, often, lose.

Be it as it was, he was her one and only object of love, lacking siblings as well. He was parentized in another way, too, in that he was, at an age of, what, 8?, the one working and making sure that there’s food on the table; at least that is my impression. Granted, they were slaves, but we do get to meet him through the work he does for that flying insect thing. He developed considerable skills and got praise for that – but he also got used for it.

All this developed in him a superiority complex. As a young boy, he already shouldered the emotional and wordly responsibilities of an adult male. One can only wonder how much his own emotional needs got neglected for this. In his own eyes, he must have been quite a superhuman being. Taking care of his mother, the big love in his life, and getting all her praise.

When he meets Amidala at a later stage in life, having long been separated from his mother, he got infatuated with Amidala. Surely the fact that she reminded him of that time back on Tatooine was an important factor to him. He wanted to be to her what he had been to his mother: The one and only recipient of her love and attention and praise. Her hero.

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23.07.2016

I went to look for the Munich shooter

To spoil the fun in advance, I did not find the shooter, so if you want to read a heroic story, don’t bother reading. This is more of an intelligent rant about stupid sheeple and an infantilizing and incompetent government.

I would not even have noticed anything about the shooter if someone had not asked me about it. It made me curious and I took my bike and drove to the shooting site.

Weird thing is, despite having been there, I had difficulty finding the place. I was almost under the impression that the universe was trying to keep me away from it. Like glitches in the Matrix, I came to all kinds of strange places and a sense of surreality gripped me, surely fueled by the fear I felt. The fear which was the reason why I wanted to go there. That morbid curiosity of mine.

As I came within two kilometers of the place or so, dozens of police cars and vans, special units in black cars and a handful of ambulances drove by with sirens.

I had to ask for the way a few times. Man, those fucking sheep. I would ask them for direction and they would usually tell me reluctantly, pointing out that there were closed down streets by the police. One guy condescendingly called me crazy after I freely admitted that I was curious what was going on. Fuckin cowardly snob. One guy, some type of park guard, even deliberately pointed me in the wrong direction after mustering me. Aside from knowing it was the wrong direction, I could see in his face that he was lying.

Gawd, how I hate people who are assholes out of some bullshit good intent. The most despicable type of arrogance of all.

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15.07.2016

The braindead sect of so-called truthers

I bet my ass there are many conspiracies out there. But as long as the mindless sect of so-called truthers has it trademarked, it will likely never be revealed. If I didn’t know better – I actually don’t – I would assume that the truthers are in fact a government project with the explicite goal of making everybody who seriously questions things look like an idiot through association with this group.

So I am kinda waking up to a lot of bullshit in this world and a lot of lies, and I see a nice Facebook group called something like Exposing the Matrix of Lies. Sweet! I figure I’d go in there with an open mind and all that.

Lo and behold, to my liking, there are many accounts of police brutality et cetera.

But then, there is an equal amount of utter bullshit. One big example is the flat earth movement.

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07.07.2016

Cigarettes & Memories

I started smoking in the psychiatry 7 months ago. I continued smoking because smoking brought up some kind of diffuse but strong fear in me. A few days back I dropped the fags, because it is starting to deteriorate my teeth.

In those days without a smoke, a strange sort of peace sneaked into my life, but I did not realize it until today, when I intuitively felt the necessity to smoke one more cigarette.

The moment I tasted the smoke in my mouth, the memories all came back. The intense fear and helplessness of being bound to a bed, disrespected, forced to take medicine, looked down upon by the stupid staff.

It was a strange moment. One moment I had peace in my mind. I had practically forgotten about the incident. And then, just by the taste of the cigarette, it all came back at once. It was as if I was suddenly another person. I think this is what they call triggering.

Not for the first time has such a dramatic and sudden change in my mood forced an insight upon me: This pain is not my identity.

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02.07.2016

Having a feminine side VS. being female

This is not an MRA article demanding that women desire weakling men. It is nobody’s responsibility but your own to love all aspects of who you are. So take this as an invitation for self-acceptance, not for another crusade for justice.

When it comes to healthy sexual relationships between the sexes, I pretty much share the – generalized – view that the man plays the dominant part, while the woman is submissive. This may not be the absolute truth in every last case, but I think it is a very fair generalization that at least describes a valid tendency.

But, if I were to give any advice, I would tell you to immediately forget this observation once you make it. Why? Because you should not have to be thinking about things like that. If it is the truth, it is the truth because that simply is what happens when you stop trying to control the situation or bring your ego ideas about correct or good relationships and interactions into it. Once you start acting dominant to do it right, you practically defeated the point of making such a point. If all of it was simply an act, all the time, in everyone, you could actually claim that it is a social construct. Hence I believe that the only way you can make such an observation in an honest way is to introspect and make some personal experiences.

You can only make a valid observation when the observed ones (that can include you)  feel no obligation to support either view. That is, when they feel free to express themselves fully without thinking about it.

If you have to tell a man how to be a man, then you can not claim that you are making him more of a men, rather than less. At least when you, like myself, assume that being a man means to have the male biological sex – instead of abiding by some ideological construct like neo-masculinity. If being a man does not flow naturally from being born a man, then our concept of being a man logically must be flawed. Of course, that presumes that there are no forces in place during one’s formative years that restrict this natural flow.

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