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Ayahuasca: The devil called me to Peru – Part 2: Kapitari

I think that many people confuse or intermingle liking somebody with wanting to fuck them. You don’t have to like somebody to want to fuck them. And it’s not like you hate them, either. Simply, you are indifferent to any kind of relationship between the both of you but a sexual. But usual morals will hinder the normal person to acknowledge such a combination of feelings without guilt and frankly, at this moment, so do mine.

The black girl who sits across from me on the boat to Kapitari, I want to fuck her. I don’t want to really fuck anybody as I am overwhelmed with anxiety, but as much as I can desire it at this time, I do. I imagine taking her up the ass in the bushes, like little rabbits do, driving my penis into her black skin and getting dirty inside her.

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Ayahuasca: The devil called me to Peru – Part 1: Iquitos

Iquitos. The air is wet but doesn’t smell like fireworks, as Lima’s does. I like the weight of the humidity that challenges my breath while I relish the burning sun. Have I just fled from cold Germany? Have I fled from a life I saw no more point in living, in the hope to find meaning through yet unexplored, mystical means, am I such a pathetic coward? Yes, I did. Yes, I am.

Ten taxi drivers rush toward me, like lemmings. I feel the excitement of entrepreneurship and imagine the satisfaction they get from their hard and unrelenting work, the push of confidence each time they outplay the competition. I know what I want and ignore them.

This world is real. This world is aggressive. This is more home than anywhere else. I shout: Motortaxi!

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A warrior on LSD

A friend gave me a small portion of LSD and I am tripping now. I am making interesting observations in this state of mind, but I think that I may well come to the conclusion that it’s not worth doing this again – for already having mastered this challenge. Therefore it’s surely worth taking a few notes.

The reason why I took LSD is to face off once more with the terror that left me almost nuts after my Ayahuasca ceremony.

Playing with this drug feels like being challenged by a strong opponent in the game of frame control. I feel like I am walking on the edge of something dangerous. My ability to distinguish my self from the challenge and fear seems crucial, as much as the conscious knowledge of the fact that I chose the fear and the weird thoughts that encounter me.

I feel on top of it, owning it, and from there stems my courage.

Yet I know that it is only a small step down from this confidence towards crippling fear as I had experienced it after my first naive encounter with psychedelic drugs.

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