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23.09.2015

Narcissism, altruism, guilt, entitlement

You can call a classical narcissist arrogant, but nothing beats the arrogance of a nice guy aka helper. In fact, I wonder if the two are not intrinsically entwined. Surely I would be less puzzled if I took the time to study the literature, but here I am and do not give a damn if I am psychologically correct.

The following excerpt from Oscar Wilde’s The Picture of Dorian Grey illustrates my point:

Dorian Gray shook his head. ‘No, Harry, I’ve done too many terrible things in my life, and I’m going to change. I began my good life yesterday, in the country. […] There was a girl in a village. A very beautiful girl, an honest country girl. She loved me, and was ready to come away with me yesterday, but I said no. I refused to destroy her young life, and I’ve left her as honest as I found her.’

Lord Henry laughed. ‘You’ve left her with a broken heart, you mean. How can she be happy now with a country boy, after she has known you?’

The element that unites both is an idiotic vanity.

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15.07.2015

Ayahuasca: The devil called me to Peru – Part 5: Reed

Tom. They call my name. The words float along a sphere that surrounds me, I’m safe from them. The warmth of my piss runs down my stomach. Will I care what they will think of me when I gain my mind back? Why did I ever care?

I can’t lie here with open arms, too vulnerable, so I decide to cower in fetal position. Eyes wide open in agony, I avoid looking into anyone’s face. Whenever I do, I feel their gaze pierce through my skull. A group of strangers stands around me: Well. One in five hundred, that’s still a good number. This one was a tough one.” A moment of silence. “We may need to get some guys here to bring him away.” The words are meant for me. Meant to move me, meant to disturb me. But they float on a sphere and I am away.

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18.03.2015

Neediness: Do you want to be in the moment?

This is all about a decision. Have you ever wondered why you can’t lose fat? Why you can’t do X? Why you had to fight and lose against the insatiable urge to sabotage yourself? Ever wondered why you can’t focus during emotional stress?

Fair enough, maybe you haven’t. But this isn’t your story.

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