A place for a

10.08.2015

Waking up to madness – and reality

When I mean waking up, I mean it literally. I woke up this morning and I had the sensation that I had lost my mind. That I had been living with my ability to think for so long – yet occasionally, I could not shake off that feeling that I didn’t really know what I was doing. The feeling that there was no real coherent concept behind my thinking, no absolute underlying framework below all my thoughts, rendering them more akin to bubbles surfacing in a boiling soup.

The feeling that my thinking was random and, in a way, pointless. That I very often was confronted with simple decisions and could not make them.

Occasionally, I would be in a sort of flow. That would be when  in an argument about something I had concerned myself with. My intellect would make lots of connections and spit out ideas; in these situations, I would feel great. Yet other times, when idle, I would consider thinking about something and realize that I couldn’t even really tell what thinking was or how to do it.

Sometimes I would have other people agree with me and feel great, yet wonder at the same time why they didn’t dig deeper. Other times, I would argue with somebody and wonder why they couldn’t accept my idea.

Agreeing made me feel safe, made me feel like things make sense. Yet when somebody disagreed, I could not always explain why I was so convinced they were wrong.

All in all, letting these observations sink in, made me believe I had lost my mind. That’s the feeling I went to sleep with yesterday and it frightened me more deeply than much of what I can remember. After having always been told I was intelligent and being proud of it, I had to admit that I was deeply confused and felt like I had no control over my life.

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11.04.2015

There is a soul. Or not.

Is there a soul? Well. What is a soul? It’s a word.

You know the fact that you see the world from your perspective. You call it consciousness. You know this perception exists.

Now, if you stop childishly playing with words for a minute and simply call that perception soul, you have your answer. Does it change anything? No. Now move on to something more interesting.

12.03.2015

When women say: Show your weakness

The best trick of the devil was … you know it, don’t you? His best trick was to invent language to manipulate men. His second best trick was to make them believe in their own integrity and rationality.

I will be writing a lot about language and the way it shapes our thinking. Ever since my Ayahuasca retreat I have been firmly convinced that words are anchors inside our minds to limit our thinking and control us.

Today’s issue is one about the statement: Show your weakness.

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