When I mean waking up, I mean it literally. I woke up this morning and I had the sensation that I had lost my mind. That I had been living with my ability to think for so long – yet occasionally, I could not shake off that feeling that I didn’t really know what I was doing. The feeling that there was no real coherent concept behind my thinking, nounderlying framework below all my thoughts, rendering them more akin to bubbles surfacing in a boiling soup.
The feeling that my thinking was random and, in a way, pointless. That I very often was confronted with simple decisions and could not make them.
Occasionally, I would be in a sort of flow. That would be when in an argument about something I had concerned myself with. My intellect would make lots of connections and spit out ideas; in these situations, I would feel great. Yet other times, when idle, I would consider thinking about something and realize that I couldn’t even really tell what thinking was or how to do it.
Sometimes I would have other people agree with me and feel great, yet wonder at the same time why they didn’t dig deeper. Other times, I would argue with somebody and wonder why they couldn’t accept my idea.
Agreeing made me feel safe, made me feel like things make sense. Yet when somebody disagreed, I could not always explain why I was so convinced they were wrong.
All in all, letting these observations sink in, made me believe I had lost my mind. That’s the feeling I went to sleep with yesterday and it frightened me more deeply than much of what I can remember. After having always been told I was intelligent and being proud of it, I had to admit that I was deeply confused and felt like I had no control over my life.