I am Tom. Tom Arrow.
That’s not my real name, but it will suffice. Tom Arrow is a hero I devised. Besides, for what reason should I let my parents and the state have the last say on my name? From all the states that I have investigated on Wikipedia, only the UK allows you to change your name. If my information is correct, then all you need to do is have your pal confirm with his signature that you really are who you want to be.
As you can see, I am big on my wish for autonomy. Yet this is a token of a coward. He who has no power over his life demands freedom. And with freedom he means the means to do anything he wishes without any obligations.
I have spent around 20 years of my life living with my mother. My father had left me before I was born. I don’t hold a grudge as I am too much of a coward for that. Maybe. Usually my stated reason is that I would have done the same. Never missed him much anyway, until recently. Yeah, recently I learned to feel a deep and excruciating regret. This profound sadness alternates with an all-destructive anger about me being left alone with that monster who may not be a monster who is my mother. That anger is even the more unbearable because my misfortune is nobody’s fault. No enemy can be faught, no foe stricken, no bones crushed. All I am granted is a quietly seething knowledge of injustice.
I grew up a fat kid; my mother would not have the strength to deny me any wish and I hate her for it. Being thethat I am, I managed to be content with being the nice guy to everybody. As long as I managed to. Everything is below me. I was always told that I was intelligent and this led me to be a web developer.
At some point in time, after school and university I visited my dad on Hawaii for a month. There, I learned what respect means. And by that, what it means to be a man. Self-confidence arose in me for the first time since I remember. Can you imagine finding out, at age 23, that you have spend your whole life in hell, without knowing it? And realizing that this need not be?
Then came the best period of my life. During this time, I managed to get my own flat and live on my own. Also, I started doing web development on a self-employed basis. Gave lectures about photography and programming, too. Had sex for the first time in my life and greatly enjoyed it. Kissed a girl I had been in love with for years.
That period lasted about 8 months. Bummer.
But it’s a proof of concept. It’s definitely possible and I am going to explore the ways for the most horrible kind of coward to become a man. I am not going to share my dreams, but I will share my results.
Know this: I don’t care for your pity. I’ve had enough of that shit for one life. Besides,. , however painful. I will accept compassion, because compassion looks towards the future. However sad they may be, I don’t write my articles to assemble a circle-jerk to the unfairness of life. That said, I rather wish you analyze and attack me and each other. Don’t want to offend me? Fuck off, idiot. Now I have offended you. Repay me.
Oppose me, for it will force me to make decisions I have not known can be made.
I am terrified. But so what. Let’s see what’s possible.
Update November 2015: After a year of blogging, I think I know what I value the most. Wanna know what it is? Your comment. I sell nothing yet. But I do not crave your money. I do not crave your backlink. I do not crave for you to see me as a great hero and authority. Those things are cool, but all I really crave is your comment. Think I am full of shit and whine too much? Tell me. I will tell you to go fuck yourself. Think I am great? Tell me. I will thank you – if I believe you. Give me something real, I live for those moments. Give me a piece of your mind.