A place for a

About

I am Tom. Tom Arrow.

That’s not my real name, but it will suffice. Tom Arrow is a hero I devised. Besides, for what reason should I let my parents and the state have the last say on my name? From all the states that I have investigated on Wikipedia, only the UK allows you to change your name. If my information is correct, then all you need to do is have your pal confirm with his signature that you really are who you want to be.

As you can see, I am big on my wish for autonomy. Yet this is a token of a coward. He who has no power over his life demands freedom. And with freedom he means the means to do anything he wishes without any obligations.

I have spent around 20 years of my life living with my mother. My father had left me before I was born. I don’t hold a grudge as I am too much of a coward for that. Maybe. Usually my stated reason is that I would have done the same. Never missed him much anyway, until recently. Yeah, recently I learned to feel a deep and excruciating regret. This profound sadness alternates with an all-destructive anger about me being left alone with that monster who may not be a monster who is my mother. That anger is even the more unbearable because my misfortune is nobody’s fault. No enemy can be faught, no foe stricken, no bones crushed. All I am granted is a quietly seething knowledge of injustice.

I grew up a fat kid; my mother would not have the strength to deny me any wish and I hate her for it. Being the covert narcissist that I am, I managed to be content with being the nice guy to everybody. As long as I managed to. Everything is below me. I was always told that I was intelligent and this led me to be a web developer.

At some point in time, after school and university I visited my dad on Hawaii for a month. There, I learned what respect means. And by that, what it means to be a man. Self-confidence arose in me for the first time since I remember. Can you imagine finding out, at age 23, that you have spend your whole life in hell, without knowing it? And realizing that this need not be?

Then came the best period of my life. During this time, I managed to get my own flat and live on my own. Also, I started doing web development on a self-employed basis. Gave lectures about photography and programming, too. Had sex for the first time in my life and greatly enjoyed it. Kissed a girl I had been in love with for years.

That period lasted about 8 months. Bummer.

But it’s a proof of concept. It’s definitely possible and I am going to explore the ways for the most horrible kind of coward to become a man. I am not going to share my dreams, but I will share my results.

Know this: I don’t care for your pity. I’ve had enough of that shit for one life. Besides, pity is condescending. A life deserves to be lived, not pitied, however painful. I will accept compassion, because compassion looks towards the future. However sad they may be, I don’t write my articles to assemble a circle-jerk to the unfairness of life. That said, I rather wish you analyze and attack me and each other. Don’t want to offend me? Fuck off, idiot. Now I have offended you. Repay me.

Oppose me, for it will force me to make decisions I have not known can be made.

I am terrified. But so what. Let’s see what’s possible.

Update November 2015: After a year of blogging, I think I know what I value the most. Wanna know what it is? Your comment. I sell nothing yet. But I do not crave your money. I do not crave your backlink. I do not crave for you to see me as a great hero and authority. Those things are cool, but all I really crave is your comment. Think I am full of shit and whine too much? Tell me. I will tell you to go fuck yourself. Think I am great? Tell me. I will thank you – if I believe you. Give me something real, I live for those moments. Give me a piece of your mind.

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  • Wald

    Excellent introduction to the blog.

  • Pingback: Ditch Your Old Map & Start Living The Life You Want - A.D. Ziemann()

  • BlueEyedDevil

    Don’t ever sell yourself short, Tom. You are a bright guy who obviously does a lot of deep thinking. About yourself, life, the world, and the cosmos. I enjoy the hell out of your contributions on ROK. Keep saying/writing what you think, brother.

    • Hey thanks, I appreciate it. I will be contributing as long as I see purpose in it for myself. That may last for a while.

  • Karin Campbell

    I find your writing very honest. And that to me equates with bravery, which is very lacking in most of the men I encounter. I should say that (obviously ) I am a woman, and that I am empathic… The opposite of narcissistic, but am coming to believe that narcissism may be best seen as a spectrum: we all occupy space there, and digress/egress is unavoidable. In any case, I find it useful to understand the qualities and character attributes that I lack (e.g. male-ness and narcissism), because it may be necessary to embrace these to become whole. Thank you for taking the time to share your insights. That reveals an individual with a great deal of respect for humanity, I think. Or else why would you bother?

    • Thanks. I do not bother. Rather, I impose myself on the internet, as another commenter has so duly noted. I do bother you by making you read the shit I write – satisfaction enough.

  • Stadtaffe

    Hey man, just discovered you have a blog here.. Man good luck with it all, sounds like it’s been quite a slog. Have a similar background re the father thing etc, and more than a decade older than you, I think I’ve mainly moved past it, not that it hasn’t taken its toll.. It is what it is.

    • Thanks. I am starting to see the good sides of it. Had I had a father, he had taught me how to be efficient and respectable, sure, but he would also likely have beaten me into accepting bullshit I do not really believe. This is really my chance to have an almost completely free mind.

  • Type-8

    God Loves you Tom.

    Stop denying Him.

    • Where am I denying him? I am just not religious.

      • Type-8

        Sentence 17 between the nouns and the adjectives – you didn’t mention His name once. And the rest.

        OK, how old are you – and how do you know how old you are?

        Why is Jesus so famous – what did He do?

        Let’s see if you’re smart enough to answer those.

        Then try and work out why there is a nation called Israel, why it’s where it is and why any other world power acknowledges the nation of Israel if what the Jews say about history is all rubbish.

        I know you won’t attempt to answer these questions or look into them with any seriousness – it could give you a reason not to be so glum all the time but I doubt you’ll even give it any serious thought.

        The powerful people of the world know some things they are not telling you because it’s GOOD NEWS.

        • How old am I? Interesting question. I remember those phases of getting into the habit of a new number in the recent years, but as for those before, I have to trust my mother.

          I do not mention spirituality here because the text is a year old. Try my other articles.

          Interesting questions, but I am currently too absorbed in my self to care about them. Maybe sometime next year.

          As for the appeal to my smartness, you overestimate my vanity.

          You are good with rhetorics. Salesman? Politician? Priest?

          • Type-8

            We’re all salesmen.

            I’m not asking because I want to know you’re age. I’m asking because your Birthday – and every other day – exists in relation to a carpenter from Nazareth that many people don’t even believe existed.

            “Interesting questions, but I am currently too absorbed in my self to care about them. Maybe sometime next year.”

            I used to have the very same thoughts echoing through my mind.

            But much of what we discuss here, on ROK and all the other blogs, comes down to ancient power struggles in the Mid East and the simple misunderstanding as to who Jesus is. How do we confront Islam and all it’s influences on the West? Should we settle for being jerks and arseholes who carelessly breed with narcissistic self preserving women because we’re destined to be that way according to the theory of a 22 year old Theologian? And if we desire more from life than this are we to content ourselves with a life of hating women and celibacy?

            And whilst we are told that we evolved from monkeys and that much of our problems with women stem from not embracing this alleged part of our make-up, the true Alpha’s of the world recognise and wage war over the area of land called Israel as if there is some validity in God appointing the land to the ‘Jewish’ people.

            These are things that are relevant to your self obsession as they were relevant to mine.

  • Vasily Mikhailovich Doestovski

    nice one