A place for a

31.07.2017

Misleading title

Tired of reading between the lines
Trying to get by among the lies
Exhausted from guessing what you mean
Lost in a world of things that aren’t what they seem

Hands scarred from building bridges of understanding and
Navigating the puzzles of communication neverendingly
Sick of the guilt that springs from my confusion
Verbal brain cells drowning in a growing contusion

Sleepless in a world full of misinterpreted dreams
Unsettled by brittle beams offering themselves to lean on
Trying to figure out the figures you’re presented
guilty of closing up to people that resent you

Abysses lingering in the streets covered up by light
Enemies trying to kill you by pretending to not want to fight
Brickwork without foundation appearing too solid
An endless game not far enough to call it

Betrayal proclaimed with words that seem honest
Malingering shadows calling you into the forest
Unconditional love with too many conditions
Uncertain guessworks spoken like premonitions

Light feeling danger from the dark
A tree’s festered core kept secret by its bark
A day too unique to be special
A priest that’s too rotten inside to confess to

Artificial ideas that claim to be nature
Experiences from the past turning to fate, yeah
Goodbyes that only last for an hour
Heartfelt promises too keen to turn sour

0 votes
  • Smokingjacket

    A tree’s festered core kept secret by its bark
    A day too unique to be special

    I like these analogies- too unique to be special- the correct sense of uniqueness- it’s never special.

  • Hello Tom. It has been a while. I decided to check out your blog to see how you have been, and to subsequently share some thoughts. Specifically, a break through I had in therapy today (yes I decided to see a therapist).

    It is funny that you titled this as such. Misleading. Many things seem to be this way.

    During this therapeutic process I committed myself too, I discovered a core of my being that has allowed me to do what I have done, and have the contentedness I mostly possess. I have mostly done what I felt like doing regardless of societal influences, ego, and outcome. I immersed myself in whatever it was I felt like immersing myself in. When I was no longer about it, I stopped, as you can tell by my now non-existent blog. I kept all the text of the writing for later.

    What had happened along the way is I stopped living my life, and I tried to live another. It is hard to put into words, but that is what it was. I have spent most of my adult life fairly content and upbeat, with a marginal amount of success. Again, success for me is what I define it as.

    Now, what is interesting is I have long had the idea that what you want to do, and what you ACTUALLY want to do are often not the same thing. If everyone in the world did what they truly wanted to do, according to their own ideals, the world would be a much better place. The rebuttal to this is that people would just pursue carnal pleasures, be selfish, hateful, etc… However, my take on all of these negative actions is this. Every self or outwardly destructive action is done because the stimulus from that action mediates a deeper internal rift. One that is caused by a person not being true to themselves from the beginning. I could be wrong on this, but it is resonating quite nicely, and I have a plethora of personal anecdotes to validate it in my own mind. Either way, it is something to think about.

    So I pose this question to you Tom. How do you ACTUALLY want to live your life? What do you want to do? Do not think about this question in terms of outcome, but more so as a process you want to live day to day with.

    I miss our conversations.

    • Hey Andrew. Yeah, been a while. Was disappointed to see your blog go. Sorry for not writing back last time (I think I was the one not to write back), I just felt I needed to focus on myself and my issues before reaching out into the world too much (making friends and stuff) and I still feel that need. I have a tendency to commit to stuff I am not ready to commit to. Partly this is because I am bad at saying No to stuff I hate, partly because I don’t want people to think I hate them just because I choose not to commit too much; that isn’t altruism, by the way, I realize it – it’s avoidance of feelings of guilt. If that makes any sense. Whatever.

      What you write does make sense to me, in that a lot of the things we do on the surface are there to fulfill a deeper need. But sometimes the core need cannot be fulfilled, so we try to fulfill it with proxies – bitches (usually porn in my case), money, whatever. But it never does truly fulfill the core need. It’s a drug; that is, a thing we use to distract ourselves from the fact that that core need cannot be fulfilled. If we felt like we have the power to use the same amount of energy to truly fulfill that core need, a lot of what we do would fall away and this kind of “maladaptive” selfishness would make place for a pure selfishness that may or may not result in a better world. But I guess that’s highly speculative, since we have no way of knowing what a world full of such purely selfish people would look like or whether it is even “physically” possible to construct such a society.

      I’m still struggling with the idea of committing to therapy. I feel I can do a better job on my own. I don’t truly trust anybody else. I’m good at pretending to trust people, but I don’t. I don’t ever feel like anybody truly gets me. That’s not to say I’m a special snowflake or that I feel entitled to being understood, it’s just a statement of fact – what’s the use of getting “help” from somebody who doesn’t get my predicament – partly because I have grown very efficient at hiding it very well to the point of being unaware of it myself while talking to others? My defense mechanisms are so deep (or shall I say efficient) and automatic that at the moment I started talking to a therapist I would immediately lose the ability to even access the deeper layers of myself. I’m then in a kind of autopilot that auto-adapts to display a persona I feel somebody needs and wants to see. So for example, if I was talking to a therapist who wants to see me as his patient that gets better then that part of myself would automatically put on a show of being a patient that is getting better thanks to the therapist. Of course this is all born out of fear – the fear of hurting the therapist’s (or anybody else’s) ego – his ego of being a good therapist.

      So, how do I actually want to live my life? I think, without pain, mostly. I want the pain to stop, the pain that keeps me from even accessing my “true self”. The pain that keeps me on edge constantly, ever paranoid, ever distrustful, ever hateful and yet ever faking personas I am not. Most of what I do is to distract myself from the pain and to be honest, this seems such a pervasive pattern that I find it hard to tell which parts of myself are “true” and which are just pain evasion behaviors. Am I right now talking to you as my true self? I don’t know. The pain is so intense and ever-present that I have no idea who I would be if the pain wasn’t there. It’s been there since my early childhood and I can’t even visualize a life without it. Asking me how I truly want to live my life is like asking a person who was born blind what they would do with their eyes if they could see. I just don’t know. Once the pain is gone, that will just naturally flow, I suppose and then I will observe the flow and then I might be able to answer that question. But since nothing in me flows naturally at this time or as long as I can look back, I have no idea what my natural flow even is. But if I had to take a guess, I would say I want two things: To be independent of other people and to produce artistic content, preferrably video/film. Those are two things that always come back to me. Ascertained solitude and creativity. But the first thing probably is also a pain evasion thingy (aside from common sense, like not marrying). People always trigger the pain in me, so I tend to feel most at ease when nobody is around.

      Always enjoyed our conversations. I would be lying if I said I actively miss them (because the constant pain dwarfs all everyday griefs), but I do hope to someday more actively continue them and also to take you up on your offer to meet up. Sadly I’m too caught up in my own shit currently to want to commit to doing so. Glad to hear from you, though.

      What are you currently doing aside from therapy?

      • Working out, working, slaying pussy, Jiu-Jitsu. I know what makes me happy, progress, battle, and winning. Everything in my life is centered around those three things.

      • “To be independent of other people” I re-visited this, and this statement will never happen. We cannot be independent of others. That is what makes us what we are. Unless you get launched into a space ship into the outer cosmos, you are stuck with mankind. You know why I think I enjoyed our conversations? Because ultimately, I don’t give a fuck about you. You could blow your brains out right now, and it would not affect me at all. You know that my sense of self-worth has nothing to with you. Kind of tracks with what you said about hurting ego’s. So try this, realize that no one actually gives a fuck about you. No one. If they do, or pretend they do, it all comes back to them. Further, no one really cares about themselves. They only care about what others see in them. Ultimately, no one really cares about anything. See everyone as great, and you as a piece of shit, and them as pieces of shit because they hope you will see them as great. Just a thought to help you dig yourself out of this mess.

        • I know it won’t. It’s so plainly obvious I didn’t even state it. It’s simply a daydream of mine.

          Can relate to the not giving a fuck thing. It’s tiresome having to pretend to care about someone. What you said about me blowing my brains out … I think I feel the same way about pretty much every human in existence, but it’s not something that you can openly show usually. I think they only person I’d be somewhat sad to die would be a girl I had a crush on. And the only reason I’d be sad would be that I didn’t get to fuck her.

          Not sure how that shit-great analogy makes sense. I think I do not see mysellf as great as much as I enjoy seeing others as shit. As for not caring about the self .. I dunno. Caring about how others see you is caring about yourself, too, because how they see you makes you feel a certain way. If you didn’t care for your feelings, you wouldn’t care how they see you either.

          • Yeah, not my best analogy. I say all this, but at the end of the day, I do care. But I am not attached to the outcome of that caring. Well, mostly. I still get caught up every now and again because I am human. Duh? You have so much life ahead of you man. My life was never particularly terrible, but if I can say anything, it is that my life is better than it has ever been. It is for a number of reasons, but I think the main one is I never gave up. I know tomorrow would probably come, and with that more opportunity. You never quite know what will happen. All you can do is make steps to be the best you that you can be, as cheesy as that sounds. You have a ton of potential to live an enjoyable life. You have suffered enough. It seems like it is time to put that suffering to some good use.

  • Micah Geni

    Hey tom. Going to munchen tommorrow. Anyway to contact u ledd publically?

    • Hey man. Cool thing, wanna go for a beer? I live in “Schwabing”. You could write me on Facebook when you’re here (Thomas Arovicci) or now and I’ll send you my phone number.

      • Micah Geni

        Om tjenesten bus. Be.back