A place for a

14.05.2017

I wish I could feel my pain

When you just want to cry and hope let go one day, but your nervous system, even after all those years, is still on high alert, and you can’t even start to allow yourself to feel … and you realize you are lightyears away from healing … and too far away from it to even allow yourself to feel the devastation about how far away from it you are.

And you see life pass you by, seeing all the things you could have, could enjoy, could love. And you see that you cannot stop time. That you cannot take a time out until you’re fixed and then jump right back in. That you are forced to watch as life passes you by, and forced to listen to people telling you “well why don’t you go participate”, but you know that even if you did force yourself to participate, you would feel nothing. It would be as if a deaf person listened to Procol Harum [insert any other music that snobs think is great].

And not only do you see life pass you by. You sit on a lifetime of lost joy and pain that you cannot process. And it only keeps stacking up and getting worse. To the point that you do not even dare to admit that joy exists anymore, because it would drive you insane.

And just as you sit there and contemplate these things and feel the ever so slight hint of acceptance creeping into the moment, the inner watchdog shouts out loud and throws you back into unconsciousness, non-existence, into your nervous system’s routine of suppressing you and pretending you don’t exist.

And then you appear careless and aloof. As if nothing fazes you. But it’s not you who appears so, then. It’s that nervous system. Your nervous system is aloof and careless. Because the nervous system has learned that it mustn’t be anything more than that. So everything that is more than that, the nervous system denies.

And here the nervous system concludes the post with a cruel “Fuck life”, with another involuntary rejection of all that is desired, while the half-dead, half-alive self that mustn’t exist, doesn’t exist, can’t exist, silently weeps for half a second in the background, before it gets shut down and forgotten by the nervous system – like so many times before.

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  • Micah Geni

    I have a new little project going.
    I quit the gym it was a very good and cheap gym, but I can always get back there.
    It’s not so “challenging”. One has lifted at a gym before..

    I do walk each day, along a beach. During that walk I pass a few trees and benches. Even a playground for kids.

    So I do a few pull ups at one place. A few push ups at these other site. Whatever I feel for doing that day. Takes me less than an hour. And it is more interesting to test out new ways and then see some progression. I know the gym works, nothing new there.

    Important to climb the trees, if you’re (or I) gonna be the monkey king

    Hey Tom. I believe that physical activity can increase your emotions. At minimum, you will enjoy your hand job a bit more ;-)

    • I tried the “sports” thingy. Didn’t work. Intensified the pain in the ass, if you get what I mean. But I love climbing (trees).

      • Micah Geni

        That holy lance hurts !

        What a butt plug. Imagine the cock of Osiris, that they have now put at St. Peters square

        “They tooooook ouuuuuuur jooooooob!”

        Vatican is Tiamat. They worship the Bitch.

        In the catholic countries male have to pay money to their ex-wives as long as she is alive. Lol. Strange that they manage to live for such a long time, all those exes

        Isis managed to find all pieces of Osiris, but his cock. You know what ?

        It was Gods plan. Because if a woman dont have the cock of a man, she is inferior in all manners. Without his cockhead, she is nothing.

        But man. Ahriman. Aryan Man is a two headed eagle. Most use the lower head.

        Fuck em, but dont take them seriously. Fuck em public, so that they cannot accuse you of rape. Find a parc. A nude beach :-)… ho ho ho..

        Tease them with your cock. Let it flag, that speer.

        “Hi lady.. Shall i give you the pleasure of tasting some divine cock ?”

  • Micah Geni

    Bow & Arrow.
    Bow..Boat.. the ark.. Arrow.. the mast.

    “The holy speer”, holy lance. Good old Adolf was trying to recover it from the thieves of the Vatican (St. Peters Square phallos/solenoid).

    “They tooooook our jooooooob !!!”

    Interesting name you have. The arrow would be comparable to the magnet at the galaxy center.

    You gotta get out a bit. A bit less analyzing and mental motion.. Try to rock the boat a little.. Climb a tee. Be a clown and dont mind.

    The arrows are a bit introverted and “stuck”. They are slow movers, when it comes to social activity (im not the biggest social planner myself though, but I dont mind talking to strangers so much)
    Sometimes I do need to drop the ego a bit, but there isnt much “reputation” to worry about anyway. It can only get better.

    Funny thing that one, about not being so serious.
    The more prone I am to be the clown of a joker, the more traces I do seem to leave. Totally unintended. But play by the book. To avoid the possible extra shit, like a while in prison and such. Last summer and autumn was not my best.

    Did you ever feel as if you were a so called “Targeted Individual” ? Might wanna check out some of the youtube videos about that subject

    • I do feel targeted, lol, but as the phrasing implies, it’s only a feeling. My reason and observation tells me that if I were, my life would be going much worse than it is at the moment. So there’s a kind of dissonance between those two. Gotta see how I resolve it.

      • Micah Geni

        My mind tells me that you would have been a lot worse off then you are, if “they” did not know that you’re a “holy person”.

        But “they” do know it, and therefore a) fear the consequences and b) dont wanna take out the “true saviors” :-)

        Ever been Kiel Tom ?

        Kiel means Keel, doesnt it ?

        Did you know.. The distance, aerial, beetween Kiel-Bergen-Stockholm is pretty much the same.. A “Berg” means “Mons/Top”.. Top of the mast. The scouts. The Scythians. :-)

        • Holy? Wtf is holy about me?

          • Micah Geni

            Soul.

            It comes from a higher domain. It has descended.

            You have to “self-study” to try to figure it out. Astro-theology. Your birth date. What planet positions were then.

            Btw.. Mine is Ram 1500 ;-)

  • bem

    I feel like this more often than I care to admit…

    • Heh. Didn’t expect anyone to relate. Interesting.

      • bem

        It comes and goes. Gotta keep busy to stay ahead of it.

        • Maybe that’s the way to go when it’s “seriousness” is not maxed out. Me … I’m at the limit. I have to either resolve it somehow or go mad, “haha”.