A place for a

01.11.2016

I am considering closing my Facebook account and blog

I have written a lot of stuff on this blog that was … too honest. I did not do much to conceal my identity. I posted photographs of myself. I wrote stuff that could be very easily used against me, in ways that I don’t need to explain to you.

Blog has not gotten much love from me recently, I posted most stuff on my Facebook page.

All the while I was doing this, I was driven by a rage. A rage to tell what is on my mind, a rage that made me blindly hate those who want me to shut up or use it against me. Just come, motherfuckers, I thought. But my experience has shown me I do not have the psychic or financial power to defend myself against those who don’t wish me well. I wish I had that power, I really do. But it’s a fight in which I have everything to lose and little to win, aside from a defiant bird flipped at the forces that be.

I suppose some stuff is best kept for locker room talk. Hell, my stuff isn’t even suited for that. I loved reading from those who can relate to my stories. I loved the honest exchange. But I am starting to ask myself if the price I may have to pay for it is not too high. My paranoia aside, there are people out there who have the means and power to go after people who post or say controversial stuff.

But neither do I feel I can really keep writing this blog without speaking my mind. It would feel like a lie. All or nothing. Or is that childish? I don’t know, it’s just how I feel. I’d rather be completely silent than to have to pretend. Rather be alone with my misery than to pretend I am not miserable. Or angry. Or whatever. Anything that people can’t accept.

Maybe there’s stuff we have to deal with on our own. Not stuff that is shared. Kinda sad idea. That in the end, I would bow down to this damning game of pretending and playing nice, of keeping up this ludicrous idea of a peaceful civilization. That friendship can only go so deep and the only person who really ever knows you is yourself.

Maybe I can become a comedian and say all this stuff without people getting nervous, because they think I’m not being serious.

Maybe I can become powerful enough so that nobody will be able to do shit. And those who will, I will crush them badly enough so that they won’t come at me again. But that’s not reality and likely will never be.

What a weird world.

I suppose the real minorities in this world do not get sympathy from anyone. Hah. As if that was a surprise. But those retards keep telling otherwise, don’t they. They say they want to help the weak.

Nah. It’s just a lie. It’s a lie in the animal kingdom and it’s a lie for humans. Those who have no power, those who get no love, nobody really cares what happens to them. Rather, people are more than happy to project their own pain onto them and attack them for something that somebody else did. Like the guy who has to take shit from his boss 5 days a week and then somebody comes along who’s even lower in the social ladder and he can unload his frustration on him/her.

Politics will never bring equality. It will never happen. Group X may rise to defeat Group Y. But that will not create equality. That will just lead to an oppressed Group X.

And that’s just the big groups, right. Those who share a misery.

If I had a big nose and was discriminated against … and I found 10 million other people with big noses who are discriminated against, then we would band together and make a ‘pro big nose movement’.

But that’s not reality. Most people are their own minority that will never rise up. Just suffer in silence and then die. Heh, I actually wanted to write a separate article about this. Maybe I still will. Hm.

So where does this lead me? Solipsism? Or enlightenment? I don’t know. I am my own next man, as is true for many many others. So weird. I always felt like I wanted people to understand. To share something. To be intimate.

But there’s always a line. Even the most understanding person will draw a line. And that’s cool, I do it too. What does it mean, though? It means that the only truth is to be found within. That the core of your own life is always yourself. And that other people are more like the decoration on your life.

It’s strange. The idea makes me feel isolated. Like nothing has meaning anymore, since most of my life has consisted of this pursuit of … I don’t know, have some recognition or something. Seeing that I can’t ever possibly have it (even in an utopian world) is a weird discovery. So what is left? Who is left to really talk to? Just myself. Do they call this the long dark night of the soul? Or just confidence? Or truth? Or reality? Or nihilistic disillusionment? Or bitterness? I don’t know. I am not even bitter right now. Or disappointed. That would presume I still believe it can – or should – be any different. But it can’t. Everyone is their own universe.

And maybe that’s what leads to so much pain in the first place. People seeking for something out there. To have the perfect friendship, the perfect partner, the perfect society or whatever. A lot of money, sex, blah blah. And to gain this, they leave a wake of destruction behind themselves. To not have to face themselves. To not have to face God, perhaps. To not have to face this utter loneliness of being totally alone in having to deal with all but superficial social needs.

It’s also weird that a large part of me actually finds the idea disgusting to be too intimate with anybody else. It’s like two people live inside my mind. One that wants to open up without any boundaries whatsoever. And the other that wants to close up so completely that this physical existence becomes more or less pointless.

Seeing that all those things won’t give me what I feel I need, what is left? There is nothing left to pursue. No great art to create, no friends to make, no conversations to have, no girls to fuck. None of these things truly matter. It’s all an illusion, a dream. So … what is left? Only myself. Myself and my own weird existence in this pointless world. And I don’t mean to say the world is bad for being pointless. It just is. There is no judgment involved. Judgment is involved only when you don’t truly believe something to be true. Like when you first hear about the nature of women. And you are so attached to this idea of the holy feminine and you just can’t let go. You deny truth. That is when you judge truth. But when you actually, undeniably allow yourself to see truth … there is no judgment anymore. There is just what it is.

And society keeps pushing this narrative, doesn’t it? ‘Be yourself.’. Nah. If everyone was fully and wholly themselves, humanity would not be able to handle it. Not with so much pain stored underneath. If everyone’s darkness was to reveal itself suddenly, it would likely destroy the world and leave only dust.

There is no being yourself. And there is. You can be yourself with yourself. But not with others. This material world will always be a game. A compromise. Even the most powerful person on this earth is not fully themselves. In fact, the most powerful have to play the greatest amount of games to stay in power.

There is no solution. This physical existence can never be a vessel of your full self-expression, or can it? Maybe to some extent, but even then you run into barriers, some more, some less. The best thing you can gain is self-being. The ability to live with who you are, no matter what. But to push your self-expression, ideas and feelings into everyone’s faces without getting any negative feedback, shame, shunning or stuff like that? Nah. It’s not possible. Just think of it. For one person to be able to fully express themselves, you would need everyone else to go out of their own way to accommodate that. And even then, it likely wouldn’t be good enough. What if that person decides they want to be able to fly? Nobody’s gonna be able to help with that. It’s kinda like that with feminism, isn’t it. The wish to gain validation for all those people are. Full unconditional validation. But it can never happen.

Yes, maybe that’s what self-expression is about. Seeking validation. To show yourself and get loved for it. But that’s for babies. Literally. In the end, you have to do it yourself. You have to love what you are. Even without the expression. Even when you are so oppressed you can barely express the minimum of who you are. You have to love your miserable existence and forgive yourself somehow, even if nobody else will love or forgive you. You have to take the beating. You have to take the shame. And the guilt. And the pain. And you have to love it and deal with it yourself even if you can never express it. Even if nobody will ever appreciate or love you.

Should I close my blog? What do you think? Maybe you have some angle I haven’t thought about. Who knows.

4 votes
  • rox123

    You are the first author who said something I was feeling for a very long time but did not coagulate into words: it is possible and legitimate to not care about people that love you and that would sacrifice for you (or claim that they do). It is ok to be ungrateful with people, with family who wants to help you no matter if you want their help or not. You are the one who said that desire to help in mothers can be a form of emotional masturbation and you are the sex toy … (or something of the sorts, if I remember correctly). I like your blog and would like to read it into the future, but if your safety is at risk you obviously have to protect yourself the way you see fit. Maybe you can password protect it and give access only to trustworthy readers?

    • Thanks, that’s encouraging. I am still not quite sure what to do. Until I decide, I’ll just keep it up. :) Password-protected … maybe. But I don’t think enough people would care to go through that hassle.

  • Karolina Nowicka

    Last year I annouced to my readers I was going to close my blog. I did it and wrote nothing for 9 months. Then I created a new blog. The need to write, judge, describe and express my point of view was stronger than I suspected. Some people have to share their inner self with others. Otherwise they feel incomplete.

    You will (probably) feel incomplete.

    But hey, it’s your decision. Wish you the very best.

  • Jim Trompe

    There is a reason why drill instructors constantly berate the soldiers they are training. Because they need to get to a point where they see those insults for their true value..which is zero. You are stronger than you know, and doing a blog has probably changed you in ways you didnt even notice. And exposed you to people and things you might not normally have encountered.

  • Most people are their own minority that will never rise up. Just suffer in silence and then die.

    This is so true. That it’s what we were — literally — bred for…makes me uncomfortable and determined to not let it happen…somehow…

    I hope you don’t close your blog…

    • I wish I knew where to take such determination from. Maybe the answer will come to me.

      • Magmaheart

        it’s very easy to take the determination. It comes from : you are unique individual by your story, construction of thoughts, rants, loves, moments, memories, opinions, restrictions, everything … is you. The You or Your Story is priceless, its a star. No one will have the same story as you. You can show what is possible or not by voicing your opinion. Your voice matters, every voice landing before the eyes or in the ears, will gather to a BIG web of realities/possibilities. We need REAL. It’s kinda your mission, your duty, your essance, and your manhood that is in play.

        • Oh, but my uniqueness only stems from a unique combination of factors. The more I abstract and analyze myself, the less special I become – but also the more I understand myself. In a way, to stay unique and special, I need to remain ignorant about myself. And in the same way, the more I understand myself, the more I see how little special I am. I may be a unique arrangement of puzzle pieces, but I still am made from the same pool of puzzle pieces as everyone else.

          But I won’t deny that an understanding of the self also necessarily reveals the self’s selfish desires. They may not be unique, but they exist. In fact, maybe it’s better when one’s selfish desires are acknowledged per se and need no noble justification of uniqueness, alphaness, intellect or whatever. They just are.

          • Magmaheart

            I can’t deny your version. But you still use my uniqueness. There is something. Even you have a lot in common with others, as we all have, there is a spark inside of us, the you. For ex; the film you watched + the teachers you had ( be it on internet or real life ) + millions of other puzzle pieces gives Tom Arrow. And yes if you detach these pieces, there is no you. But as the same, there is a You. Only a matter of perspectives. I still consider there is a You, it facilites understanding.
            Everyone is selfish to some degree, kinda matters of survival, power, etc. You can use the categories or not. You can search for truth or not. You can listen to me or not. But where do you go then. Or you dont know, like in the flow. Saying just are, is still trying to state something, a fabrication the mind. There is reality by us, to give meaning, hope and then …
            ( There is nothing ). It’s just an attempt to occupy our time and our life.

          • Yes, yes, there is a ‘me’. There is uniqueness. But I don’t think there is much importance in the recognition of that uniqueness other than acknowledging its existence, or not? In other words, you can recognize the uniqueness without assigning some kind of value or morals or following rules / actions to it.

            Yeah, in the flow. I think ultimately that’s where we all are.

  • Jim Johnson

    that is precisely why I have a picture of John Wayne and not of myself up here. I can be much more open to what I am thinking than some Facebook account. If I have friends I want to make real contact with, I will contact them. I have known lots of people who has broken friendships because of Facebook.

  • Mikey Mike

    The psychopathic control grid is tightening their shit. There is really no more freedom of speech. It may easily cost you a while in jail, to be to blunt or too honest. Sad fact. Well…

    To be honest, is a paranoia inducer. Then again, is there any way to rescue the world, included oneself, without honesty. Nope.. But in a fascistic world, one has to consider what is worth to be honest about and what is just ‘masochism’. You’ll figure it out. Old posts are old posts. Future posts, a tad more general posting maybe

    • Mikey Mike

      Yeah… And with all those anti-Trump wrath and envy psychopaths roaming the streets, you should not exactly hand out your home adress. Just in case..

      • Rubifen Errex

        You cant stop whats coming.

    • Raven

      They can’t hurt him that way because he isn’t working for a company and “suddenly discovered to be misogynistic because he read a joke in a book”. They can’t hurt TJ Kirk either. There is nothing SJW-ish to be “discovered” about them and they can’t be fired.

  • Deanie Dean

    noooooooooooo , all the mommy problems i have, the only person i could relate to , was you Tom

    Though i don’t make a happen to post to often out of fear i may be shunned for my views

    What about all the people you helped? Surely that’s worth something to you right?

    • Relax I think I’m keeping it for now.

      Not sure I helped anyone, but if so I guess that’s a good thing.

      • Deanie Dean

        You did help me though, with changing my perspective with my own mother

  • Rubifen Errex

    The day I deleted my FB account was a breath of fresh air.

    If someone is your friend, they will actually call you or send you an email.

    FB has made me realize that people no longer value true friendship.

  • withoutnameforallpurposes

    I came across an interview with Ann Coulter, she went on at length about the selfishness of single mothers. I was surprised at the number of supporting comments that went along with this video. So I started to do a little searching on the web about the disdain for single mothers and I came across your “blog”………..I was married to a “Man without father” raised by his mother……who became a victim of a primary brain tumor. He faced losing everything. And did several times and then came back…..to lose it all again and finally succumb to his illness. I loved him and cared for him through all of it….and he taught me about real “power” with the dignity he had in losing his. This is obviously a nutshell of his story……..(He loved and looked after his mother until he could no longer. And she was not perfect.)but reading your story……….
    What do you have to complain about. What the fuck does life owe you? You didn’t have your country “paleo” youth…….”paleo” sex with a country girl as your personal cheerleader?? You were a fat kid…….this is where your hatred starts……its not with your mother…..its with yourself. You are looking to blame someone for your own inadequacies….. It cant be your fault……… You are fostering a soundboard for others to discuss the worth of single mothers by the sex of their children…….having daughters are an advantage because they can be preyed upon as the mothers age. Mothers of boys are only good for cumming in and “dumping”. Instead of being grateful for your opportunity for life…….god forbid it isn’t ideal……….you spend your time justifying your crippled thoughts and feelings. You hate yourself. That’s no ones problem but yours.

    • Go die.

    • Raven

      Mothers who are NARCISSISTS, or have some other disorder or abuse, is what creates covert narcissists. Covert narcissists are not born that way. Obviously giving a kid some food is not abusive BUT SHE PROBABLY DID SOMETHING THE FUCK ELSE. Or else he has “something else too” which caused him to think this way about his mother doing that instead of thinking a different way, however in that case it is still good of him to write this blog, good for himself and good for others who take a use from it. (And yes, being asked something constantly would legitimately be annoying, although not allowed to hate somebody IF it were SOLELY because of that. Which it probably isn’t.) And thereby making him have better in ways then people that think all the same things but would not write about it for education and exploration, as well as, depending on which “conditions” he “really” has, a step to healing. I have not seen anything about him commenting on the gender of one’s children or claiming that in any way relates at all to whether mom is a “good person” or a “bad person”, and YOU are the one who is disgusting here for making such insane comments. If you want to say to blog owner, “You are a disgusting person because you wrote that you do insert activity”, then that is fine, however MAKING SHIT UP and MAKING UNRELATED CLAIMS about “genders of children” and “hate due to fat” (did he say that? NO. You just LITERALLY MADE THAT UP. No different then the idiots who claims that someone “needs to get laid” when that doesn’t even make any fucking sense and obviously feminism doesn’t require virginity and in fact is far far far more likely to involve sluts). IF you think you can be morally superior to someone it would require making ACTUAL and EVIDENCED accusations first.

      And no one is the fucking world is “grateful” for existing… you didn’t have a choice and you don’t do anything to continue or to stop it. What a stupid thing to say.

  • Raven

    Please do not delete your blogs because this will cause the severe suffering of hundreds of other covert narcissists who would have been able to know that they are covert narcissist only by finding or being linked to your blog. There is a few music songs but they are rare for the non-covert to recognize and even more rare for the covert to completely accept his condition as true just from the songs alone. If he does not know of or does not accept his condition as true then he cannot heal himself from the intensive stress or even start to, and without blogs like yours he will not believe someone who has told him about it… Not to mention that nearly anyone who is close enough for their opinion to be considered, would not be because they would break up and leave once they knew about it, instead of staying with him and remaining extremely close to be able to slowly work on him and convince him so that he can do the work to heal himself. And there aren’t other covert narcissists writing blog that he can find or be linked to.

    • Good points, except I am finding out that “covert narcissism” – whatever the fuck that is – is only a part of “my story”, possibly even a relatively unimportant one. Maybe that’s also the reason why I am actually writing instead of … well, not writing.

      Either way, I’m keeping it online if for nothing more than the attachment I have to all my creations – and the fact that I am no longer being bullied by a few nuts that caused me to write this.

      • Raven

        You seem to have more rationality then my boyfriend as well as some posts/thoughts that seem even more hostile overall then what I expected, but then again my boyfriend also has other traits including a lower IQ and that he tries to be kind with certain things in his own opinion, such as lending money when he can.

        • I’d say my darkest “sides” (or are they just memories?) are at least in the top percentile of “terribleness” of those of the general population. I don’t even go there on this blog. Frankly, I rarely ever go there with my own mind, because I am terrified of it. My article about my Ayahuasca ceremony is about one of those occasions where that shit surfaced.

  • Micah Geni

    There is constructive pride and destructive pride. Our society do tend to hail the latter to be the first. Most things are twisted around these days..

    But that was not the topic of this post. There is a new boy in town.
    A very good platform.

    http://www.minds.com