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What you most fear is what you most desire

Had a little trip on LSA yesterday. I had a fine little insight. Humbling as this stuff is, though, I must add that it may only be valid for me. And for those who desire similar human experiences as mine. Anyway, the insight is: The thing you are secretly most attached to – is the things you most fear. You, at the core of your being, desire nothing more than to embrace exactly that which you fear.

If you are a man of god and your greatest fear is irrationality, indecency and hell – then that is what you really crave to allow yourself to feel. To feel complete and finally let go.

And if you, then, most fear being hated and condemned by god for wanting that – then that is the experience you crave as well.

Yes, life is that fucking flexible.

That which we most suppress – is that which we least can let go. When we hate something, it is because we want to hate it, too. Really. I do not mean this in any metaphysical way. Literally. It is because we want to experience hating it. And the cool thing is that there is nothing wrong about that. Unless, of course, you want there to be something wrong about it – in which case that is the experience you get.

Ah, I am drifting away from my original point.

The hater is the closet lover.

The fearer as well.

The moment we choose something with our mind we choose it over something else and that something else is our closeted love. Exclusive desire – desire that excludes the non-desired – always creates a closet desire for the non-desired. Matter creates anti-matter. And they want back together. Yin and yang. Vag and dick.

Fear is an attachment to something.

That means we hold it dear somehow.

That’s absolutely okay.

Or not, if you don’t want it to be. :)

You know, I may not even be right, though. In fact, I think that the moment I start believing that this is true – I will create a secret attachment to a reality where it is not. And it will come to bite me in the ass and remind me that no belief is absolute. And the moment I believe no belief is absolute, I will be devastated to experience a reality in which it is. Or not? I must be bonkers. Am I? Who cares. Gotcha. I care, of course. And I don’t. Everything is true. Or not. I could go on like this forever. Or not.

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  • John-W

    Maybe the problem of these dualities can be dealt with by being present:
    in the Here and Now, in mindfulness (e.g. when watching the breath),
    the problem doesn´t exist. But I know what you mean.

    I can´t say I
    studied Hegel; but I think one fundamental situation is: for everything
    that exists, there is the possibility that it may be destroyed. So
    there is already a fundamental duality. Does my fear of loss cause the
    loss? Or does it cause the existence of the thing? Or both? Etc. Again:
    in the Here and Now, this duality-problem does not exist.

    • I agree. :)

      Although my agreement is more theoretical in nature – not yet there myself.

  • Micah Geni

    Check out this video I found on the net Tom. Weird World.

    7 min out


    • Why does EL mean Saturn? If Saturn / Satan exists, the symbolism is probably just a smokescreen to make you believe you are on to something. The truth is probably that he doesn’t exist and only serves as a target to foster negative energy. Remember how I wrote that I saw the devil? I remembered the experience now and I think that I was fooled. It was not the devil, but it was something that profited from my fear. Reptilians perhaps. Also made me realize the world is not real. As many ideas and things arent. Scary shit.

      • Micah Geni

        Fuck that. The point was “Arrow” + “El” :D

        Does Arrowich mean Arroway ?

        • No, it means Arrow. Tom + Arrow = Tomarrow. Tomorrow.

          What does Arroway mean?

      • Smokingjacket


  • Micah Geni

    It’s easiest to get what one doesnt want in the first place :D

    The tricky part is to be “careless”, which will also lead to “worryless”, but ! also most often to Indifference and Flameless. Ice. And the latter one, to turn indifferent is the road to perdition

    • Yarp. Outcome independence – to not be attached to the outcome.

  • Smokingjacket

    Why do we need to absolve and banish fear so much? Fear is simply the unknowing we’ve yet to experience and understand in terms of our reference and logic. When we understand and define fear as something that is known, do we not die a bit within ourselves too?

    • I would say that curiosity is much more related to the unknown than fear. More precisely, how can you fear something you don’t know? How can you fear a form of pain you never experienced? Hence why inexperienced hikers are eager to jump right onto the highest mountains out there … they don’t know they are going to die a little.

      • Smokingjacket

        How can people then experience a fear of the unknown? If you don’t know it, what is there to fear?

        • Well, that is my question.

          • Smokingjacket

            I fear boredom, mediocrity and banality. Why do some of us read books and watch films about adventure. or, do crazy things which challenge us like mountain climbing or white water cannoning? I reckon,because we only love and appreciate life when we push back its and indeed our own dimensions a little through such activities. It means we get to know a bit more of what was previously unknown in ourselves or in the world. We are greater (taller) after such peak experiences.

            However, most people are not like this. They’re numbed into a permanent state of existentialist paralysis which they call “normality” which repeats back to them through the fear of never having money or status or respectability or what your parents or friends might think. So you become essentially a bitch of their or indeed societies accepted fear complexes and you become boring, mediocre and dull just like them.

            If you want to become a freeman you’ve got to become a failure in their eyes firstly. Then and only then at your lowest ebb do you realize (if you’re still young enough) that you can do things otherwise. Get a good craft you really enjoy working at, set yourself up on your own terms and conditions, and make friends with like minded dudes, who’ve gone their own way.

          • I know that boredom. But I learned that it does not help me to numb it with extreme experiences. My discontent is too strong. Hence I started with meditation. Eckhart Tolle writes in his book “The Power of Now” that many seek extreme experiences to have the experience of being fully in the moment. He also writes that this is not necessary. One can be in the moment always, but first one has to dissolve the pain that causes discontent and boredom. I have adapted that belief – or at least, it is what I am aiming for. To not have to be anything in order to feel whole. To not have to be great, a great womanizer, a great patriarch, a skilled worker, or anything else. I want to just be me and be content at any given moment.

          • Smokingjacket

            ” I want to just be me and be content at any given moment” Sounds cool. How few even get to this point of realization?

          • I guess: Those who have seen it in action.

          • Smokingjacket

            Tom, I’d be interested in hearing your thoughts on past lives at some stage. If our consciousness and current “patterns” are determined in part by factors that preexist our lives- it’s interesting to know what their connection is to us now? Perhaps as you say the secret is that we’re not meant to be great anythings pre se,but, rather somehow we’re meant to be ourselves. Few great men are ever themselves, they can’t be?

          • I don’t have any extensive beliefs about past lives – aside from the fact that they exist. I also think that the most important memories of our souls are not stored in the brain or anything material, but rather in the soul. Else karma would not be possible as easily.

            Actually, I don’t think that anything happens unless it is ‘meant’ to be. That is, I and you and everyone else and all life around you is a manifestation of god. All play a part in it, from the greatest saint to the most deranged sinner. And if you ask “what is the meaning?”, I would say: The meaning is that this is exactly the experience we / god wants.

            But regarding greatness, I would say that what you feel when you realize your true nature IS in fact greatness. But it is on the inside. You do not have to do anything to feel it. And then you can, out of that inner greatness, produce art or whatever pursuit you like. But when you instead try to pursue greatness by imitating greatness you have seen in order to feel it, you are really not committing a creative act, because you are – at max – borrowing greatness from the outside instead of expressing original greatness from the inside.

            But whatever choice you make, I would say that you are meant to make it exactly like that. My meditation teacher always says, when I ask him what to do, he says: Just do what feels right to you at any moment.

          • Smokingjacket

            Great post.

          • Thanks.