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16.05.2016

The ultimate victim’s dilemma

Nobody cares about me. The ultimate justification to blame everyone for not caring. But what point is there in blaming anyone if nobody cares? Thus, if somebody actually happened to come along and agree with me, I would need to angrily reject them. Else my notion that nobody cares would have been refuted and thus rendered pointless – actually leaving nothing that the other person could agree with me on.

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  • Corkscrewcaptain

    I wonder why this is important? Why is it important if someone out there cares or doesn’t?
    I’m serious. In my view, we, as men, grow up being kind of resented simply for being men. But as we grow up and cast off the feeding lines we should find our own center of what we value.
    I grew up bouncing between my mother and foster families etc, but I had my own dreams. Once I was old enough I told my mother she had ruined my life until then, and I’d be fucked if I let her ruin any more of it, and I left. And I went to school for a bit and then army, and then I was done messing around so I found a job as a programmer in a very challenging environment because that is what I like. Then I figured I want a family so I found a good suitable wife, and she is now pregnant with our first.
    The point I’m trying to make is focus on getting what you want, and stop caring what other people feel or think. Get your things first and fuck everyone else.

    • I don’t know why it is important. Those are thoughts that haunt me. I wish I knew how to stop caring. I wish I knew what I really want. But I am sure I will agree with you further down the line.

      • Corkscrewcaptain

        Maybe if you focus on something that you really want you can find some sort of direction?
        I understand to some degree how you feel as I was stuck thinking like that when I was 18-19-20 but then I joined the army and found a kind of true calling, not in the army but in excellence in general.
        Now I just decide on goals that are hard enough and go get them :-) and life is very satisfying for me.

        • Glad for you, but excellence is nothing I care about. I just want inner peace and the pain to stop. Well, I did care about it for some time, but it did not give ne any long term satisfaction.

      • Corkscrewcaptain is a tool steeped in his own bullshit. The problem with creating a life like he has is when it all comes crashing down (which it will), he will have nothing. You want to stop giving a fuck, stop giving a fuck. It is a constant reminder that none of this stupid shit matters. It takes time to get to a level where you ACTUALLY do not give a fuck, but I am there, and holy shit is it amazing.

        Just tonight, I was supposed to meet up with a girl for some pizza and hot tub, but something came up at work. It really was not her fault, but I wanted some pussy, so I told her everything was fine, got on Tinder, blasted some texts, got a reply, and I am about to go smash. The other girl thinks she is my girlfriend too. SUCKA!!!

        • I think I found another way to not give a fuck. Psycheddlics. Cause the moment you do, they rip you apart and leave uou devastated. Mind testing? :)

          • You know, I have often debated whether or not I wanted to. We talked about your ayahuasca trip, and it sounded interesting. But I am a bit afraid everything I have buried will surface. I am just having too much damn fun right now.

          • It will surface. No question about it. It definitely will. :)

  • Smokingjacket

    It’s all a question of thanatos Tom. People die in so many different ways before the end. Most people are dead years before they physically cast off their mortal coil. To care, means you risk something of yourself, it means you’re vulnerable, alive and still open to possibilities. It’s the difference between life and death.

    • I think I was born dead (past life) in a way. I care little for anything truly out of my heart, but I pursue many things repeatedly as my emotions throw me around. (OCD)