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30.04.2016

What will the others think?

I am prone to judging myself pretty strongly. In those situations, my thoughts often revolve around what other people will think. I think this is a trick of the mind. Who is really the author of your pain? The thoughts and opinions of others? But when you are alone in your room, there are no thoughts of others. There are just your own thoughts thinking about what others will think. Your own self-judgment disguised as judgment of others. This is ideal for the mind that wants to convince you you are powerless. I mean, if your mind told you that you are an asshole all the time, you might tell it to shut the fuck up. But your mind hides its madness behind a pretense of rationality: It is the others who think this and you have no influence over it. I am just the messenger.

Thus, the destructive thoughts your mind fabricates seem like they are not even your own. So it seems impossible to stop them. How could you stop a thought that is not your own? And ideally, it is the thought of someone you are afraid to question.

If a kid was spewing bullshit, you could call him out. But then the kid comes and says: But this is not my opinion. Obama (or insert random important figure) said that!

So you start thinking about whether you have the right or power to question Obama (or insert random important figure).

But in the end, it is your own fucking mind that brought up the self-loathing. It just prepended “Obama (or insert random important figure) said …”.

So maybe it is wise to not let your mind hide behind the backs of others and hold it responsible.

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