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I want to be loved for myself – but I don’t know how to be that

I want to be loved for being myself – without having to do anything. But the truth is: I have (had) no idea how to stop doing anything. Of course, one may argue that I was not doing anything, since I hardly ever approached. But what I am referring to is that I am used to be a slave of my thoughts. I am not doing much of anything in terms of action, but I am doing lots and lots of compulsive thinking. My mind bombards me with judgments of the girl’s and my own behavior. I hardly manage to hold a conversation without getting timid, quiet and tense. Better say nothing than something wrong – god forbid!

She does not like me. She does not need me. It can never happen. I am bad for wanting her. She disrespects me. I am worthless. She finds me disgusting. Am I disgusting? She does not consider me a worthy mate. No, that is not possible! One day, I will find out how to do it right. Damn, that guy over there is much more masculine than I am. Oh, I just made a rather feminine gesture. I must be gay. Whoo, I just acted needy. I just acted weirdly. I just acted creepy. I just insulted her. I just made her uncomfortable.

Blah, blah.

Things should be easy. But I have no idea how to take it easy.

Of course, I am working on that compulsive thinking issue, with meditation. Works like a charm.

Just be yourself. Yeah. I used to think these thoughts were me. They go in circles and circles and then they go in circles one more time. Is that thinking? No. It is just a bullshit LP with a crack.

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