Here are a few things that, in hindsight, I did not do very well while writing this blog. A large part of it has to do with me overestimating myself and living in a fantasy world. Here goes.
1. I mistook ideas for solid advice
I'd be a good life coach, but I’m not a life master. I know what I should have done, all right, but I wasn’t so hot at applying it 2 myself.
— Marilyn vos Savant (@VirtualMvS) April 20, 2015
When I read it, I thought it was incredibly stupid. How can you believe you know what you should have done when you have not actually done it?
During the past year of writing, I have had some ideas on how to deal with emotions and other stuff. They came to me spontaneously and seemed to work, but I usually did not take more than one or two days to actually verify they work reliably. I made the same mistake Marilyn made there. I thought that if one were to apply that advice consequently, it should work. Alas, I never did that. Usually, each of those spontaneous ideas came to me one day and was actually forgotten within a week or just did not work. I figure that it usually only worked in the short term due to a sort of euphoria that comes with having a creative idea and the confidence boost that comes with it. With time, the novelty faded and the ideas turned into empty mantras that I kept repeating to myself for a while, expecting them to work as well as they did the first time they came to me.
The most amusing example of this is probably my article on how to control body language, thoughts and emotions. Another one is my 3 part article on how to deal with failure. Yet another one is this.
While I never tried to become the next big forge-a-superhero blog, I did often confuse fantasy with reality and however subconsciously, I was sometimes motivated by the wish to portray a better man than I was.
2. Claiming success I had not achieved
I wrote an article about how to stop hating douche bags and hot girls. And even in other articles, I recall using a phrase like if you are past hate, like me. Yet I was in some strange kind of brainy denial and totally out of touch with my emotions. The hatred was still there, but in Ayn Randesque manner I tried to reason my way out of it. If I could argue why it is not right or reasonable to hate douche bags, surely that meant that I no longer hated them. After all, I had to uphold the self-image of a sophisticated and moral man and blah blah.
So I basically believed that it was right not to hate douche bags. I believed I knew how I should feel and I thought all else would fall into place, that the is would adapt to the should. I would just will myself to feel the way a good man would and if I failed, that just meant I had to try harder. At the root of this I speculate self-denial, shame and guilt and of course a lack of confidence.
Of course, I still much later wrote an article about my hatred towards women. Ha!
3. Blind projection
I wrote an article on why SJWs hate beauty. Guess I just wanted to chime in and explain stuff. Similar to my first point here, I just had those glimpses of insight and thought I could use them to make generalized statements.
My article on narcissism is another good example. I am not even a real narcissist. Or – what is a narcissist anyway? Little Sam Vaknin? In any case, that article was a bit foolish despite all the drops of interesting information it contained. Just another attempt to paint myself as a victim and glorify power and shit.
4. Explaining over healing
That article about why SJWs hate beauty is also a good example of something I did most of my life: Trying to find explanations and outside reasons for why I am the way I am.
Go figure, it does not really matter. Sure, there may be explanations, but understanding is not the same as healing. I can go around crying that I feel bad because I had no father and my mother was a proverbial whore. Yet even though this may be true, it does not change who I am or how I feel. I can not explain away my emotions. I have to feel and learn to tolerate them and that is a task nobody can do for me, no matter how much they owe me or how unjust it is that it is on me to feel them.
5. Ego trip
Another fault I find in my writings is that I tricked myself into the delusion that I could take on the whole world – something my latest incident with the police proved to be quite untrue.
I raged and cried and decried the whole world. I wrote that you should hate single mothers and I even wrote that if I were to be in one room with one, I would murder her and piss on the remains or something like that.
This is kind of related to number 4. I was still obsessed with outside stuff that happened to me and projected all my problems onto the world – ironically, I despised other people who did the same, for instance SJWs, but also partly the manosphere.
I wanted someone or something to be angry at and acted like a total fucktard towards anybody I knew, which cost me all my friends – which I frankly did not care much about, though.
I consider this to be one of my minor mistakes, nonetheless, as this shit was at least honest and even if naive, I consider it less embarassing than the pseudo-intellectual advice I gave while trying to mimic super advice from man to men.
Anyway, it was a fun year and I believe I wrote some worthwhile stuff. Primarily, I like my stories like about my nigh deadly visit in the mountains, my Ayahuasca trip and my police stories. They are rather raw and describe my experience instead of coming up with bullshit reasoning, which is why they are valid.
I also rather like my rants about my mother and women in general, for the same reason. While they provide little intellectual substance, they are real and heartfelt – instead of being attempts to portray a great man that only existed in my fantasy.
Since I reckon many blog writers visit here: What mistakes did you make in your endeavors to become the next big writer?