During the past month, I have experienced more self-doubt than I can remember having experienced in my whole life. Am I sane? Am I insane? And what does each of those terms mean?
My mind keeps bringing up proof of my insanity. Why? I guess because I am already used to judge myself for everything that happens in my life. I always seek the error in me. On the internet, I can sometimes hide it, but underneath I always feel that it is my fault. I may write fuck you somewhere, but rest assured that usually I mean: I am bad. I am unworthy. You have sensed it, but I will not admit it, because you can not read that out of a simple text comment.
Every scrap of self-esteem that I thought I had built up crumbled when I was made to doubt the core of my existence. There she stands, one of the judges of the city of Munich. An old woman with a piercing in her nose. I say that men beat each other, that is what we do.
I wish there was a man there to understand and I tell her that she would not understand, because she is not a man. She snarkily remarks that she is lucky not to be one of those. There she stands and declares my insanity while I am bound to the bed, unable to move any limb, unable to even lie on my side within the restraints, forced to take anti-psychotic medicine and Lorazepam, neither of which I want.
It is so fucking unjust. And yet, I guess I attracted that into my life.
Why does one man get to command another to leave a public space and get to push him away with force while the other man gets declared insane for pushing him back and fighting him?
Why does one man get to engage in the hubris of being able to command others? Why does he get to push another man? To force another man to sit as he wishes him to sit? To restrain another man and rob him of his freedom?
Why does he get to believe he is right to do it while another is declared insane for even defending himself against it?
I do not have an answer but a humbling one. The laws of power and all that, right?
And if somebody comments that I am okay, is he just reinforcing my delusions? But what about the state that reinforces a policeman’s idea of being right to command others? Is that not equally delusional? Or am I just having defense mechanisms here?
Am I mad? Not mad? Something in between? And does my madness even have anything to do with this case or was this actually a small frame of sanity from a timeline of madness?
And if I am mad, why is it anybody’s fucking business? Hah! Key question, right? They give me all those pills so that I can function as a normal person again. But what if I do not want to anymore? What if there is a good solid motive behind self-destructive behavior?
It is not self-destructive at all. It destroys merely one’s own value to society. It is a profound fuck, no to the demands of people who have done shit to help you. A fuck you to society. When fully understood, it is one of the most confident things to do at all. To withdraw from all the pain.
Most of the time at the mental asylum, I tried to kinda fake the normal person. More, I wanted to be the spiritually healing smart super guy. But I am not. And who do I have to be that for? Fuck that. I was just ashamed of being afraid, vulnerable, hurt.
It is the uniform. It is the uniform that makes one man greater than another. It is justice and noble when it is done by the man in the uniform and injustice when it is done by another. But what is the difference?
What is the difference between a father that kills the rapist of his daughter and a state officially taking the life of the rapist? Justice? Proof? Evidence?
Justice? Then why does law seem to only be something to be wielded by those with a lot of money, power, eloquence and knowledge of written law – which is such a huge amount that nobody can possibly know it.
Public justice is akin to give up your judgment to unpredictable gods, because nobody but a lawyer can possibly predict how it will do.
Maybe there is some good to it. I do not see it. I have not seen or experienced it. Fuck that. Fuck that because I need to say fuck that now. Let people kill and murder each other. Let them have their feuds. Who cares. What the hell is better about this system?
But yeah, who am I to cry about injustice while I declare the concept of justice the source of all my pain in the first place?