Do you find yourself wondering what the right way to go is? Do you seek out those who tell you to strive for greatness, yet are confused whom to listen to? Do you subconsciously feel revulsed by your need to have other people tell you about the right way? The heroic way? The manly way? The politically correct way?
You do not need anybody to tell you what to do. If you feel you do, you likely are not connected to your own needs and thoughts and feel ashamed of them.
You do not need any advice on who to be. Whom for, anyway? Mother? Father?
You do not need any advice on who to be. All you need from other people is information. The choice has to be yours and yours alone, free of the need to be approved of. By whom, anyway? Mother? Father?
Do you keep asking people what god wants you to do? Why not ask god himself? How can you know that people are speaking the truth if you can not verify it?
How can you tell the scam from the real deal when you lack the capacity and trust to judge on your own? You can not.
If you need someone to tell you how to be great, you have already admitted that you have no personal sense of greatness.
Today, I saw a Facebook post by some guru. He writes that you should not waste your time giving advice and trying to convert to the wrong people. Because it only makes you angry and frustrated.
Right, Mr. Guru. But why exactly did you feel the need to convert somebody in the first place? Why feel the need to change other people? Why does it make you angry if they refuse? Easy: It is not them who need your advice; it is you, guru, who needs their approval of your greatness. Which they grant you by listening to your advice and becoming dependent on you. You interpret your need to give as their need to receive.
But what qualifies you really? Are you tall? Muscular? A good speaker? Dominant?
Well, so fucking what. I do not need to be those things if I do not want to. There is no one whom I owe that. My mommy was that person and she is gone. And if I want to be any of those things, I do not really need your advice anyway.
Things are simple
The time when I actually successfully lost weight? I needed no one to micromanage my diet and I did not ask people for advice. I knew that I wanted to do it and everything else was just a technicality. I figured out my diet within an hour of some mild introspection on what food is good and then effortlessly kept it for many months, losing 80 pounds.
As for all the times when I did not manage to do it: I was ashamed of myself. Of my weakness. Of my wish, even. How dare I not already be perfect for mother?
Really, things are incredibly simple without shame.
Read Victor Pride’s Body of a Spartan. Now, Victor writes that he figured this stuff out on his own. Yet some of you keep obsessing about doing it exactly like him.
It is unnecessary. My dad was lifting weights a lot when he was my age. He started by simply committing to a quarter of an hour a day. With time, his interest grew and he just did things inuitively until he became immensely strong.
Why was it so easy? Because he did not care about doing it the right way. He simply felt the need in himself to be doing this thing and did it.
So why can you not? Well, you either do not want it or shame hinders you from really connecting with that wish. The detailed instructions and motivational speeches distract you from this major flaw in your whole endeavor. And it is why you fail.
I started martial arts at the beginning of 2015. Why? Because I had gotten in a fight and had tremendeously enjoyed it. I went to learn it to express myself and my anger more freely, to find my own style, my own way. Yet my trainer is something of a narcissist and hero and wants his sheep to do it his way. Well, I do not really care for that. I do not want to adapt his style. All I care for is to have a place to train and get advice on how to improve if I need it. I figure the rest out on my own. Sometimes I get advice that I reject. I need to have the freedom to reject advice if it is not what I want. And because it is all about myself and my own curiosity, I do not care about or believe in the right way.
I am a photographer, too. Here are my pictures. I learned photography out of curiosity. I wanted to understand manual exposure, lenses and all those things. I was interested in the technical underpinnings so that I could use them in order to express myself and my vision.
Today’s photographers are obsessed with having the right camera and lens, then to apply the right kind of color toning, the right amount of contrast and possibly use some automated effect like HDR. And use the right software to do all that! Expensive software! Brand software!
I do not care for this. I see a generic HDR effect and think it looks horrible, simple as that. Is it in? I do not give a fuck, it is ugly and predictable. Other people like to adjust color levels so that all their pictures use the full possible contrast spectrum. That process, that idiotic rule gives them safety. Me, I do not give a fuck. I find it ugly when all pictures are bright. I like to leave some pictures dark. I like to make others bright. I only ever wonder: What do I want this picture to be?
You do not like my style? Not modern enough? Not crisp enough? Fine, go look at someone else’s pictures and leave me alone with your ridiculous rules.
When I make a great picture, people instinctively say: Wow, dude, you must have a great camera.
It makes me laugh. It is ridiculous. The father of my old boss owned a camera for $2000 and proudly showed me his work. He was not even conscious enough to see that all his pictures were blurred, dark and badly framed. In his mind, he had followed the rules: Buy the expensive camera and lens and use the automatic mode.
He did not understand how the automatic mode functions. He did not care. He assumed that if a professional made the function, the resulting image must be good. End of story. To my awe, this tricked him into thinking his photographs were worthy of my attention. He did not care about the pictures. He cared about doing it right. He cared about approval.
I am a programmer. I learned it out of personal curiosity and grew fascinated with it. As with photography, I wanted to understand all the basics and how everything works together.
As a result, I have a deep understanding of the language and can use my own style or adapt any other. It does not matter to me. It is simply a joy to look at code and see what it does.
Yet people keep obsessing with frameworks, trying to make one-fits-all solutions. Job recruiter bitches do not ask you for references or give you sample tasks to see how well you do. They ask you to fill out a table with your skills and assess them on a scale from zero to ten. It is somewhat meaningless. The only thing that really matters is: Can you do what I need you to do?
When I was a programming teacher at my university, literally none of my students cared about the programming itself. They cared about making awesome websites. Right. What is awesome, though? See. To know what is awesome, you have to ask somebody. That person then tells you what they heard is awesome from others. It is an endless cycle of unoriginal copying. Tell me, who was the first person who defined what awesome was? Naturally, it was the first person confident enough to have his own opinion and simply like something.
As you would expect, none of my students developed a good and deep understanding of programming. They just wanted to do it right, have some set of rules to put together a few building blocks. As a result, they blindly copy-pasted blocks of code into files, expecting the computer to magically figure out what they were trying to achieve. They grew frustrated and said that the computer was illogical and stupid.
The more sophisticated students obsessed with using the perfect kind of process to develop something. Which left them feeling inadequate all the time and wondering whether they were doing it right. How did they know? By asking someone else, of course. Someone who is equally human. This misguided perfectionism and adherence to rules left them making the most idiotic choices in non-standard situations. And non-standard situations were those where the task was not exactly the same as the one that had been presented to them.
They did not understand that their method was similar to throwing a motor and wheels into a bath tub and expecting them to assemble themselves into a Ferrari. They knew that a certain kind of code block was meant to process a form, but they did not understand that it was a very specific implementation nor that there would have been a million other ways to achieve exactly the same. They were able to tell that it was a motor, but they did not understand how it worked. And they did not care to, because they had no real personal interest in the matter.
Now, I am something of a narcissist myself and I will not deny that I often tried to do it right, too. Especially when it comes to women, I am very prone to do this due to my timidity and shame.
Yet the times when I was really content and most able to accept success in life were usually those when I had pursued something out of real personal curiosity and interest. And whenever this was the case, I do not remember a single time of being in any kind of lengthy state of confusion about how to start. I just did it.
So if you keep trying to do it the right way, realize that you are making yourself dependent on other people’s definition of right. It simply does not exist more often than not.
Also consider the possibility that it may not really be what you want. Maybe shame hinders or some past wound hinders you from opening yourself up to learning or doing something without having many doubts and having to fight off negative emotions. Maybe mother or father would not want you to do what you want to do. Maybe you are not even conscious of that.
If that is a recurring theme in your pursuit of some goal, consider therapy and healing to get rid of that bullshit.
You do not need any advice. You do not need anybody to tell you what to do. You only need to be connected with and confident about your own needs. Then you will easily find a way to satisfy them.