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19.11.2015

I can not recall one genuinely happy moment

I can not recall a single genuinely happy moment in my life. I mean, yeah, there were moments where I forgot my pain completely. Like when I kissed the girl I was infatuated with.

Most of the moments, I did not actually know of my pain. But it was always there, no matter how little conscious I was of it.

When I saw other people who were genuinely happy, all I could see was a fake facade, because I had no reference for that kind of feeling, for that kind of connection with others. I could not understand why people hug each other, why people smile at each other, why people give compliments to each other, why people respect each other, how people can love. Most of all, it puzzled me how others could like me. It seemed like they were ignorant of my true nature.

It seemed to me like happy people were different kinds of people, somehow fundamentally separate from me. All the happiness anyone ever saw in me was either the high of a fix or a skilled pretense.

That is what I thought life was: A contest of faking happiness.

The art of living – for me – was always to find the perfect tapestry for the ugly and cold concrete walls of my existence. But the walls are wet and the tapestry rots quickly. Restlessness ensues.

The perfect moments of my life were moments when I forgot my pain the best. The perfect moments of my life were moments of perfect drugs.

How do I know that that is not all there is? Because I had a handful of short and vague dreams about true joy. It vibrated inside me and radiated out into the world, making everything beautiful and making other people feel my love. My whole life pales in comparison to a second of that pure joy.

Unfortunately, I find it hard to recall or produce that feeling. It just comes here and there. Sometimes a dream, other times a short glimpse during a meditation that evaporates as soon as I try to focus on it. The concept of joy rather than a true instance of it.

Maybe there even were one or two moments of that feeling in my life. But the point is, I can not recall any. My happiest moments are moments of having found a perfect tapestry. The perfect 10. Oneitis.

The best consistent state I have been in in my life has been peace of mind, as of lately. That is, relaxed in misery.

Yeah, I extended my arms to welcome this world, quite some time ago. I thought I would and could love it.

But the world is some kind of shit.

Civilization does have its perks, of course. For all the blandness of existing in it, it provides a great garden variety of distractions from that existence. Unfortunately, I get bored very quickly.

And so it has come that in the recent months I have been unable to provide myself with all the necessary variety of distractions. I have been increasingly unable to deny and shield my panicky self from a simple truth: Life stinks.

Well, so what. I guess I will have to love it for what it is.

I will have to love people for being assholes.

And I will have to love the world for being a place full of assholes. A toilet, so to seat.

Maybe, then, I can learn to love the asshole that I am myself.

And, after all, I made a vow to love before I was born. Did I? I may be imagining things. But that pure joy thing, that seems like something I want. It seems very distant, yes. Almost unreal. A state in which I have no need for drugs because my own existence is addictive. A constant fix. A state in which there is no single voice or feeling left in my self that I do not understand and enjoy. A state in which I live and do exactly what I am here to do.

A state in which I do not gravitate to others, but feel gravity in my own gut, have the center of self in my midst instead of out there in the world. Unashamed of everything I am. My whole body and mind swinging in one undisturbable frequency. A king.

That day will come. Maybe not in this life. But someday. When I am ready for it.

Who knows, maybe I actually signed up for this shit. Thought I would like to know what life feels like in the gutter. Unloved, disrespected, rejected, abused, guilt-tripped, shamed, conditioned into a disgusting nice guyexiledraped (not sure about this one), robbed of my youth, doing a job I hate, losing my possessions, being at the edge of poverty and full of self-loathing. Well, it is interesting, no doubt about that.

Nah, I am not whining. Simply acknowledging the truth. I am a bitter and angry man. It is all cool. In the end, who gives a damn? I am tired of pretending to be anything else, of pathetically longing for overzealous heroism. There is some beauty to it, you know. The dark side of life. How many can claim to know it as intimately as I do? The cool stuff is, there is not so much to lose for me anymore. In a way, I am feeling more at home in misery than I ever felt chasing tapestry and approval. It is honest this way. Fucking real. Me.

Also, having never really experienced existential joy, I am quite amazed and curious about what lies ahead, for me to discover at such a conscious age. A really epic ascent from hell. Not the downfall of an angel, no, but the uprising of a demon.

Take care.

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  • thordaddy

    Look for refinement in your anger… If it does not strike where it should legitimately strike THEN call yourself the asshole. As of now, YOU WANT TO CONCEIVE yourself an asshole on account of possessing a juvenile anger that lashes out at anything or everything lacking total legitimacy or any refinement. It’s called buffoonery. So you are AT LEAST consistent, but have your operations assbackwards.

  • thordaddy

    The argument is no longer over the legitimacy of your anger but the inability to render unto God what is God’s and render unto Caesar what is Caesar’s.

    • 1. Why am I here? Because God said so.
      2. What should I do? Gods will.
      3. Why is there suffering? Because people (and spirits) refuse to acknowledge the first two.

      Ive read Toms writing for a while now and he seems to ask all the questions except the ones that matter. He’s looking everywhere except the source of it all. Following the law is not easy, at least for me. The yoke is pretty fucking heavy sometimes. But the peace it brings is unlike anything the world can provide…

      Shit, I guess its time to finish my story.

      • Hey, glad you two get along with each other.

      • You fail to see, though, that even if your equation is true, suffering is a valid experience that some souls desire. So do I.

        • Neither of us are forcing anything on you man. What I read is a desperate cry for contentment. If I knew any other way, well then I would tell you… If you meditate then meditate on this. Please give it a listen. Headphones. In bed. See if the dreamworld doesn’t give you any answers.

          https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KKDZSZTWPzk

          • Alright, understood. I already found a spiritual mentor who is currently guiding me through a series of meditations that help greatly. I will keep this in mind, though. Thanks.

        • Micah Geni

          If you have not tried the opposite, how can you tell then ?

          • Because I am grateful for these experiences.

      • Micah Geni

        There is suffering because God gave us Free Will

        But why did God gave us Free Will ?

        Because God is wise. He knows that he cannot force people to play with him, and he does not desire that type of friends. He wants friends that appreciates his company, and vice versa. People that hang out with him because they want to, and not because the alternative is just considered worse

        :) Comprendes ? Makes sense, doesnt it

  • thordaddy

    You also have a fascination with your pain… This is a good indication of one at war with God over the “problem” of evil. The protestation is “why this shit world… Why not Paradise?”

    But where does your pain actually fall in the Hierarchy of Human Misery?

    And what is the pain you could possible feel next to the perfect pain endured by The Perfect Man in His Passion?

    If you embrace The First Law of Perfection… Nonduplication… Nonredundancy… Nonreplicable….

    Then the problem of “evil” — the “problem” of WHY Tom Arrow suffers PAIN — is SOLVED by FAITH in the BELIEF that YOU shall NEVER SUFFER more than He who suffered the perfect pain. In other words, TRUE TORTOROUS PAIN as that suffered by Christ CANNOT AND WILL NOT EVER BE or EXPECTED TO EVER BE SUFFERED by mere men.

    • What is crucification compared to, say, impalement or flailing?

      • thordaddy

        The BELIEF is the man’s body mechanics would complete a total shutdown before one reached a threshold of perfect pain. The Faith is that no man will ever suffer the pain of the only begotten Son.

        First, you reject the juvenile belief in a perfect world… Anymore… In the past, they fell… Physics DEMANDS REVERBERATION until total annihilation.

        But this is not a falsification of Perfection any more than a Van Gogh is falsification of the perfect painting.

        Next… Recognize YOUR PAIN ON A HIERARCHY so as to DEVELOP PERSPECTIVE on the “problem” of evil.

        Where DOES YOUR PAIN RANK?

        And what does this now mean to you?

        • Ah. Well, that makes sense. But it is also pure belief that Jesus did suffer the pain absolutely. Why would his body not shut down the pain? The pain receptors and neural pathways must have been the same.

          And as for perfect man, how do you even know that? Was the count of hair on his left cheek identical to the hair on his right cheek? What observable attribute does Jesus’ perfection consist of?

          As for the hierarchy, what is the standard? I do not see how I can measure my pain against pain I have not felt.

      • Micah Geni

        Is there any pleasure without pain ? Wouldn’t we all just be “Strings”.

        So maybe Paradise only exists for those who have had a taste of Hell first ?

        And if so, you may be in a good position for some good happenings coming your way, later in life :)

  • Micah Geni

    Yeah. Sad to hear Tom.
    It comes back to you and your perception. When you like yourself, when you appreciate yourself, you will find compliments from other people directed at you, easier to understand and more trustworthy. You will also clearly spot your boundaries and trust in them

    But what we need to figure out, is why you dont consider yourself deserving ?!… And fck your father. He doesnt know you anyway. And your mother, she’s got her issues. (dont we all, btw)