I am a liar. I pretended to understand the red pill, but I did not. I spoke like a red pill dude, but I was none. But neither was I really blue pill. So what was I? I was a dude who wanted to belong, believe in something. Truth.
I did not only speak like a red pill dude, I also started to walk like one. Hold eye contact like one. Occassionally, talk to girls like one. Check out asses.
But I felt guilty. The guilt was eating me up. Is eating me up. There is always this voice in my head that is asking: But what if I am wrong? If I am wrong, I am not good. My god, what if I am not good?
When I talked to the initiated, I felt ashamed of the voices who were not convinced of the red pill. When I talk to normal people, I feel ashamed for wanting to believe in the red pill. Yes, I admit it. I am ruled by shame, shame of not being right. And in my head, there is a constant war of voices.
Who speaks confidently?
It must have started in school. People telling me I was smart. Or earlier, what do I know? I managed to be among the best at school. Approval, yay. When I was not the best, I felt worthless.
I became a programmer. I learned that if you look deep enough, you can find the underlying truth of everything and have complete understanding.
But people invented programming and computers. People did not invent life. So who has the book of rules?
Yet I felt that I should have the same clarity and certainty about life that I had about programming. Felt that people expected it.
But there is a problem: People keep contradicting each other and themselves.
It is maddening. I already wrote one article about my confusion.
I am a good pretender. I always pretended to know and accept the truth, deducing what others thought was true. I tried to find some common denominator of knowledge that all people who are right share. Sometimes I deluded myself into thinking I had it. When many people liked my comments or whatever.
But in my head, the voices kept fighting a battle. And I was too ashamed to admit that I really did not understand, really had so many open fucking questions.
In the end, how can I simply know the red pill is true? My only measure has been my wish to be on the side of the powerful men. But are they right? Are they good? Whatever that means. Yes, what does it mean?
You can write a convincing article, you can make a dramatic speech, you can scramble together some studies. But in the end, each side keeps cherry-picking whatever fits into the picture. The articles are not really very detailed, often cite no real research. A lot of it is just pamphlets – and my head protests.
In the end, I keep / kept being most convinced by whomever made the most convincing appearance. I know, it is meaningless. And yet my allegiance kept jumping between the pills, so to speak. I could literally watch my whole thought process and mindset change loyalties simply by whomever used the right rhetorics.
It drove me mad. It drives me mad. I feel out of control. I am confused. I am a fucking sheep, just following the loudest dude.
Acid to think clearly
I took LSD again. Half a blotter. No hallucinations, no extreme emotions, just a bit of clarity.
I use to compare the experience to lifting a sort of judgmental grid from all my perceptions, allowing me to rearrange and reinterpret them.
Not sure why it did not happen in the past, but this time I started to become extremely aware of – but not shocked by – all the contradictory mindsets I hold.
It never appeared to me.
It never appeared to me to actually allow myself to see all the cognitive dissonance in my head. I literally see a girl and my mind keeps jumping: Nice innocent thing versus cock-hungry bitch.
Exaggerating, of course, but you get my point.
These two ideas coexisted in my head, but I had never connected them or consciously pitted them against each other.
And there are so many of these contradictions. No wonder I regularly have headaches. There is a lifetime of unprocessed ideas in my head.
I think I literally started to think for myself for something like the first time in my real life.
I started to lightly and fascinatedly touch on all those open questions, question all my ideals and feelings without doing it too aggressively. In the past, due to my felt obligation to let myself be convinced of obvious truth, I had simply forced my thoughts into a certain direction, to win approval.
Not so this time. Acid took away the pressure. Like a dude in Peru once told me about magic mushrooms: You realize that your thoughts are not your own.
So I keep gently moving through all my thoughts and confusions. And from each question arise new ones.
And the dismaying and frightening conclusion of one day of this is that I do not know what to believe. More than that, I am not sure that there is any way I can ever be convinced of any truth as long as it pertains to judgment and morals.
Observe, do not judge
To say it bluntly, I think I came to the conclusion that absolute certainty is an illusion. A lie. An impossibility.
I allowed myself to admit that I am confused. And that there is no way I can ever find the definite answer. That I will always have to work with the best I have got. Worse even, I admitted that if there is a way to find the definite answer, I do neither know it nor know how to reach it. Nor what it means. And if somebody told me? Well, what would he tell me to believe him indiscriminately? I do not know.
And the least amount of absolute truth can I find in morals, in judgments. They are just abstractions for children, unfit for the variety of possible situations and the variety of possible decisions based on one’s personal desires. Look at the variety of game advice, from asshole to good looking loser to charming dude. Who says that your individual style is not completely different again?
All I can ever do is see patterns. Or listen to the patterns others observe. And yet the brain occasionally finds patterns that do not even exist.
And when you find enough proof that a particular abstraction or pattern is solid, you tend to make the mistake of fully commiting to it. Look at this bullshit, for instance. What reason is there to assume that atoms behave like planets? Absolutely none. And yet, they teach this in schools even today.
It is merely an analogy. A theory. An approximation. But it is not absolute truth. And tomorrow you may find evidence to the contrary. Will you be willing to let go? Just look at sacred geometry of the cosmos. Based on what? On a clue. On his human need to see a pattern. He spent decades of his life to this dedication – which to his dismay, turned out to be false., one who grew up without a father like me. He was convinced of a
When you allow yourself to look at the world as it really is, so many clear-cut categorizations and prejudices simply cease to work. All the ideals become meaningless in their most extreme form.
Just to take politics as an example: People and their personalities are so fucking varied and yet everybody keeps searching for the one right way.
Dear manospherians, you claim not to believe in equality, and yet you seemingly confidently propose to know the right way for the whole society to work. The nuclear family and shit. Really? How can you confidently say that this is what everybody needs? How can you say that everybody will be happy if you force them into that scheme? Because you were? Or because you think you would have been? Can the superficial obedience to these rules really make people love each other? Or will humanity simply somehow bypass these rules to do what they really want, anyway?
The craziest in my eyes are the religious nuts. They are convinced of their fucking morals. But ask them: What is in it for me? And they have no answer. How the fuck can they be so convinced when they can not answer that simple question? And yet they demand your respect? For what exactly, blind fellowship?
I think it is the echo chamber effect. Grow up in an environment and see that shit reinforced all the time and it becomes truth.
What makes the truth true
But frankly, I think this does not quite satisfy as an explanation. I believe that the real answer is: It works for you.
If a particular belief system helps you getting laid constantly and makes you get what you want, you will adapt it without remorse or guilt, no matter how much somebody else may suffer under it.
And I think that is okay. It is honest.
The dishonest thing is the moralizing. Saying you do it because it is right.
Fuck that. You do it because it suits you.
And in the end, that is the only measure that will ever truly matter. To anyone.
Now I guess it is time for me to stop reading red pill articles and eventually start going out and getting some ass. So that I may become a believer.
That is what you will only need to answer, ever: How do I get what I want?
More precisely, even: What steps can I take towards getting what I want?
The black-white world
I understand the appeal of having a community of like-minded individuals.
But this straight cut beween blue and red pill? It is ridiculous. What is the red pill supposed to be? Who has it? Or is it just the preoccupation with girls and leftist nuts? And how can you say / know that it is right for everybody?
It reminds me of the way that niggers or bitches unite because they all suffer from the same thing, imagined or not.
But a common enemy does not make everybody your friend.
I think most reasonable people probably understand this. And yet I feel that there is a lot of fanboydom under all those gurus. They simply agree too much, too easily.
Sure, call it positivity. I think many are sheep, as I was. As I am.
Example: Victor Pride decides to get muscles. He figures out the best way to do it for himself. It may not be the best way for others, I am not sure, but he shares what he does, because it may work for others. People keep posting stuff like But Victor Pride said. So what if he said it? He gave you some idea, nutcase; it is on you to use or discard it. Do you think that Victor Pride talked to god to find the absolute truth?
But I understand the dilemma. Everybody says something different. Actually, it is more honest to ask this question explicitly than to keep dwelling on it in your own head. I am not sure what the best way is. How to tell? You kinda have to decide for yourself. Really.
Conclusion of the confusion
If you feel equally torn between the pills, take some LSD. Or magic mushrooms. Or do an Ayahuasca ceremony.
Scientology – Say No To Drugs – says that it is bad. They quote poor poor victims: They told me it would make my problems go away.
Well, no user of psychedelics will ever say that. It is ridiculous. This shit forces you to see your problems more than anything else. But that can be a good thing.
An acquaintance of mine also says that the stuff helps him think.
You should try it.