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Why am I here?

One of these days, while hacking away at code, a simple yet chilling question entered my mind. As I took a short break from pressing keys and leant back in my chair, I wondered: Why am I here? It happened twice now and has not let me go.

Yes, why exactly am I here? That is, why am I having this experience? This life? For all I know, I could not be having it. I could be caught in a timeless oblivion or float in space, blackness, nothingness. I could not be having any thoughts, not perceiving anything through my eyes, not feeling anything, not knowing what emotions are.

But more than that: Why am I in this body? 

What is the fucking point of me being here and witnessing all this shit? What for? It could happen just as well without me observing it. My body could be going through exactly the same experiences and while somebody else or nobody at all was there to feel it.

Once I stop taking things for granted, is it not weird that I am here?

And as innocently as the question had entered my mind, as innocently came a clear answer: I am supposed to take care of this body and mind. I have been given the responsibility to do so by whatever power put me here.

The proof? The proof is that I am in this body. The proof is that I am not perceiving your life. The proof is that this body was not meant to live its life without me in it. Something decided to put my consciousness into this body, let me live life through this vessel. Something valued this vessel enough to assign my consciousness to it for its entire lifetime.

The helper

Nice guy that I am / was, I always felt it was my mission to take care of others. Of my mother, of girls, of sad men even. I always had an open ear for everybody.

All the while ignoring that I was terribly suffering myself. Ignoring that I was much in need of getting loving attention myself.

I was so self-less, in fact, that I ignored my emotions to the point of wanting to be a psychopath who is not bothered by emotions. Helping other people was a band-aid, a drug, something to patch my own pain. I saw in other people a small hurt child, completely unable to see that that was how I was feeling myself.

What was I really doing?

I was ignoring the one divine mission that I have on this earth: To take care of myself. To give everything to myself that I need. To actually find out what I – that is, my body and mind – want and get it. To satisfy the needs of my body and soul.

What was the effect of this irresponsibility? My body and mind felt worthless, abandoned, lost. Why? Because every day I ignored them and wished to escape from what I saw as annoying limitations of theirs, I was giving them one more proof that they were not worthy of me.

In a very real sense, I was full of self-contempt – that is, contempt of my body and mind and their limitations or traits. This old article of mine illustrates this very well.

The divine selfish mission

I will not claim that I know what your subconscious / divine / whatever will answer when you ask it the same question. How could I know that?

But take a minute to think about this and you will understand that it makes perfect sense.

If every being with a consciousness on earth was put here to take care of others … that does not make any sense. For once: If you were supposed to take care of somebody else, why did the divine not assign you to that being? Okay, you could argue that you were put into a body that has he ability to actually take care of the needs of another person that the person him-/herself could not meet.

But a better angle is this, if you let me assume spiritual egalitarianism for a moment: If everybody was put into their respective bodies in order to take care of others, who would actually be left to be taken care of? What would be the fucking point?

If there was no point in you having a happy life and getting your needs satisfied, by what logic would there be a point for somebody else to have that?

That would be assuming that the divine engages in favoritism. That the divine wants for one vessel to live a miserable life and sacrifice itself for another which then in turn can live a happy and fulfilled life.

I will always be there for you

That is the sentence that I now say to me. The same caring arrogance that I imposed on others when helping them, I now impose on the body and mind that were given to me.

Today, I understand that every emotion I feel is a part of this vessel. If I deny, denigrate, ignore or try to suppress any emotion of the vessel, I am its oppressor. In other words: I am my own oppressor.

For most of my life, I thought there was something inherently unworthy and bad about me. And guess what: When I decided to ignore my emotions, what other conclusion could I have made than that my emotions are not worthy of attention? Or thoughts?

So now, I focus on my emotions. On my perceptions. On my thoughts. And I say to myself: Whatever you feel, whatever you think, however good or bad you are by any standard, I will always be loyal to you.

I am making a commitment of loving care to myself that I should have made long ago. I feel like a traitor for distracting myself from myself with other people’s needs.

Loyalty to myself and unconditionally so. That is something I never had, I realize. I always wondered who was the best and then wanted to be like them, essentially raping my real self into ineptly masquerading as somebody else.

There is something that Mike Cernovich wrote in Gorilla Mindset. It was a single sentence, I think, and stayed with me forever since. He wrote that self-talk is something we adopt from those who teach us. We talk to ourselves the way others have talked to us. I realize that this goes way beyond talk. In fact, you treat yourself the way others have treated you. In this case, ignoring your emotions and forcing yourself into a nice shape that is not you. You thought they were right to do so with you and adopted it. You let them teach you.

And in No More Mr. Nice Guy, Robert Glover writes that it is okay to feel any emotion and even express it. This is hard for me to swallow even now, especially the expressing part. Mr. Glover does not mean the emotions girls want you to show. He means the ones that people in your past probably did not want you to show. He means aggression, anger, sexual assertiveness. He means the things you may be ashamed of feeling without even knowing that you feel them.

The source of neediness

Think of the other implication of ignoring your own needs and taking care of other’s needs.

Your needs are not taken care of. You become needy. You need others to take care of you.

And the weird thing is that the more you hate being needy, the more needy you become. If you take a moment to actually imagine your consciousness as separate from this body, the relationship is like this: Your body protests and wants affection and you keep clubbing it down with a baseball bat.

In the aforementioned book No More Mr. Nice Guy, the author writes that most Nice Guys actually feel bad for having needs. Seem familiar?

So why not start practicing some self-love? Think of it. You are bound to this body. You are the only consciousness in the whole universe that is in the power to unconditionally and always love this vessel.

Intellectual disclaimer

I realize there is a funny duality of me writing here, because I sometimes write myself and sometimes vessel or body and mind. I apologize if this is confusing and I admit that I am not consistent. But I really make a distinction. The distinction is: Everything that I feel and think and that is part of the human existence is my vessel; the fact that I am conscious and perceiving this, that is me.

Anyway, how did I get this fucking idea?

Maybe it was the process of doing work that I am highly efficient at that brought by a mental clarity that I did not have for a long time. I am not sure what kickstarted my thoughts, but it surely has to do with my newfound fondness of spirituality that slowly came about after my Ayahuasca ceremony and during my subsequent drug experiences.

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  • thordaddy

    To strive towards Supremacy as a white man…

    • Boring.

      • thordaddy

        Loll… Yes, much more “boring” than self-annihilation. Then again, you’ll be alive to talk about your boredom.

        • I read this great article yesterday: http://freenortherner.com/2013/03/08/feminist-self-annihilation/

          Do you mean that by self-annihilation?

          • thordaddy

            Hmmm… It’s looks as though FreeNortherner has found my work… Now, if he could just reframe “feminism” into dyke “nature,” ie., the self-annihilating “nature,” then things become even clearer. But do not think this same process is not happening on the “white” male side with that thing called “liberalism.”

          • What is ‘your work’?

          • thordaddy

            The “self-annihilation” meme that stands in conflict with the “white genocide” meme amongst the “hard right.”

          • Are you an author with published work or something? Where does the term ‘self-annihilation’ come from?

          • thordaddy

            Am I the one that invented the term “self-annihilation?” I’m almost certainly not… But, in the context of the death of “white” male, “self-annihilation” is my term. The process at play between self-annihilation versus white genocide and which is the true frame is my work. The recognition that FROM A “white” male perspective, the world is split between the genuine white Supremacist and the tsunamic mass of anti-white Supremacists, ie., self-annihilators, is my imposing paradigm.

            YOU ARE CLEARLY a “white” male who was deeply immersed in a self-annihilating ethos who is now actively seeking the “light.” Yet, all lights are not equal… Or, are they?

          • They are not equal, of course. But that does not mean that one particular light is the best choice for everyone.

          • thordaddy

            The premise is any tolerance for self-annihilation is a mandate for the total embrace of Final Liberation. So in fact, when one feels like killing himself a little it is equal to wanting to kill himself a lot.

          • I do not understand that.

          • thordaddy

            What EXACTLY don’t you understand?

          • How ‘feeling like killing yourself’ is equal to wanting to kill yourself a lot.

          • thordaddy

            Because mass “white” male is beholden to the “equality doctrine.”

          • Can you try to be more clear? Reading you feels like having to solve a riddle. I can not imagine that whatever you are trying to say is so immensely complicated.

          • MkktBkkt

            I think what he’s trying to say is.. If your psyche is actually able to engage in self harming behavior/thought (however small it might be), the door for greater auto destruction is already opened.

          • Yeah, I get it, but that is pure speculation. It is like saying: If you feel tempted to eat a piece of cake, the door to overeating and eating oneself to death with cake is already opened.

          • MkktBkkt

            Well.. ain’t that true?

          • Only with a dysregulated emotional foundation, I would say.

          • MkktBkkt

            Yeah no doubt – but following self destructive motives already imply a dysregulated emotional foundation, as you call it.

          • Even so, attempting to override that foundation through extremism in the other direction is a simplistic and stupid approach, although intuitive.

          • thordaddy

            Even if what you say here is true, striving towards Supremacy as a white man IS NORMAL and NOT AT ALL “extreme” in the pejorative sense that you are using the word. So although in the “white” male paradigm self-annihilation and white Supremacy are antithetical, it is just false to characterize this antithetical relationship as that of two extremes. NO, Mr. Arrow, self-annihilating is extreme, radically so. But striving towards Supremacy as a constituted whole is the Ideal. And now that you are forced out of an “equality doctrine” which has allowed Tom Arrow to be passively mired in a perpetual self-annihilation all the while knee-jerkingly rejecting white Supremacy as provincially “boring,” he must re-evaluate what he erroneously perceived as EQUALLY false “doctrines.”

          • Micah Geni

            that’s just the psychopathic grid. To power or not to power.

            Lol. Hilarious. I have no desire to rule anyone, neither shall I let anyone rule me, unless I wish for it..

            But that isn’t possible you’d say. Not in your dimension, I’d reply. To power or not to power, is just one dimension. There are multiple. But I think that is “an american thing”.

            Why have “communism” been such a failure ? Because of the salaries ? No. Because people felt that domination was the goal, not self-realisation. I don’t think folks like M. Curie, Einstein, plus a lot of others, work for the salary, neither for pleasure of “dominating”.

            This “white genocide” is a fight for you. You seem trapped into it. Yes I agree. It seems to be a kind of conpiracy going on. White man is trapped for some kind of minority or ignorance or punishment or some other sick thing. But do you really have to participate in that game ? Just fuck em. Live your own life, within that sick grid, and maybe try to propose a better alternative matrix to play in. If “the world won’t listen”, you’ll always find some nice women and men out there. Who chose not to participate.

          • Dominating is quite fun. But I actually respect men too much to want to be dominating them. It feels wrong – in a gay way, actually. I am all cool with dominating girls, though.

          • Micah Geni

            Well, the best way to dominate, if you wish so, is to make them desire you, without putting to much energy into it.

            But if you dont really care much about them, why bother ?

            Im not sure I believe you :)

          • About what? Not being gay?

          • Micah Geni

            That too :)

            There is no “gay”. There is just isolation. That is why so many american prisoner have converted to “gayism”.

            An abused little girl or boy, will isolate him or herself. After a while, the loneliness will start to trigger ideas about “being homosexual”.

            You’re not. I’d say at least 95% are not 1 nor 0.

          • Micah Geni

            That is 95% of the so called self-proclaimed “homosexuals”.

          • I say it is childhood trauma, like with me. Male thousand cock stare.

          • Micah Geni

            I have a suggestion to the meaning of your life:

            Life is a process, must people dont dare or wish to explore. You’re exploring it, and tell other people about it. Some will find inspiration, others dont care because they dont won’t to explore :)

            you’re the “writer of the process” :) hehhe

            “Life” gave you a shitty start, so that the exploration desire would be triggered. Then Life also gave you some introspective intelligence :) (Sounds kind of nice :) )

            “Life” also gave you balls large enough for the task.

            Hey Tom. Just live your life, and write about it (apart from when you break the law, that is :) )

          • Haha, gayism.

            So what do you not believe? That I like to dominate? I disagree. If anything, I lack the ability.

          • Micah Geni

            You may dig the idea. The reality of it, is something else. But maybe you do. At least until the next time :) hehe. (Morrisey).

          • Well, maybe. I think I would generally like it sometimes, not always.

            Then again, I mean it more in the sexual sense. Not in the ‘commanding her around all the time’ sense. Much too tiresome.

          • thordaddy

            But this is exactly the relativistic paradigm healthy minded white men are trying to separate from… The idea that striving towards Supremacy has any relation to the other…. That seeking Perfection has anything to do with “blacks” or Jews AT ALL.. That we are not JUST “social animals,” but white men of internal solitude… That with forced integration is loss of personal integrity and separation the least violent solution…. This is genuine white Supremacy… A maximization of our God-ordained free will due faithful cooperation with the order of things.

          • thordaddy

            You aren’t factoring in “equality doctrine.”

          • Please explain. What do you mean by that?

          • thordaddy

            Little = a lot…
            Man = woman
            A = B
            Heterosexual = homosexual

            This is “equality doctrine” in a nutshell.

  • Wald

    Interesting post.

    These lines stuck with me the most:

    “Today, I understand that every emotion I feel is a part of this vessel. If I deny, denigrate, ignore or try to suppress any emotion of the vessel, I am its oppressor. In other words: I am my own oppressor.”


    “So now, I focus on my emotions. On my perceptions. On my thoughts. And I say to myself: Whatever you feel, whatever you think, however good or bad you are by any standard, I will always be loyal to you.”

    I’m reading No More Mr. Nice Guy too and I find some similarities – especially with the self contempt you spoke of. Luckily, the first step to solving a problem is knowing it exists and giving it a name.


    • Thanks.

      You may like this particular resource, too, if you enjoyed No More Mr. Nice Guy: http://gettinbetter.com/addiction.html

      It is written by a woman, so I was hesitant, but it is full of truth. Greatly helped me, for what it is worth.

      • Wald

        I’ll take a look into it.



  • Smokingjacket

    Why I am here. Good article. I like the introspective spiral that leads you to consider matters on the cosmic scale. When you examine your life through the portal of one’s consciousness and not through the labels the world and society gives us, you realize there’s no such things as having been dealt a bad hand of cards. There’s only your cards, and from my humble experience, I’ve found that people who’ve gotten what seem bad cards are often the ones who’ve the greatest potential to give back to what ever put them here in the first place.

    I think your one of those people. You’re awake and aware and that’s rare indeed.

    • Thank you. I agree with what you say, although I am careful to generalize. Many things in my life hurt quite a lot. But would I want to exchange this life for a different one? These days, for no price. I am me and I am here for me.

      • Smokingjacket

        With each have our own unique wounds gained this world. They heal, if you let them. They can teach us much, if you let them. You know this. Good on you.