One of these days, while hacking away at code, a simple yet chilling question entered my mind. As I took a short break from pressing keys and leant back in my chair, I wondered: Why am I here? It happened twice now and has not let me go.
Yes, why exactly am I here? That is, why am I having this experience? This life? For all I know, I could not be having it. I could be caught in a timeless oblivion or float in space, blackness, nothingness. I could not be , not perceiving anything through my eyes, not feeling anything, not knowing what are.
But more than that: Why am I in this body?
What is the fucking point of me being here and witnessing all this shit? What for? It could happen just as well without me observing it. My body could be going through exactly the same experiences and while somebody else or nobody at all was there to feel it.
Once I stop taking things for granted, is it not weird that I am here?
And as innocently as the question had entered my mind, as innocently came a clear answer: I am supposed to take care of this body and mind. I have been given the responsibility to do so by.
The proof? The proof is that I am in this body. The proof is that I am not perceiving your life. The proof is that this body was not meant to live its life without me in it. Something decided to put my consciousness into this body, let me live life through this vessel. Something valued this vessel enough to assign my consciousness to it for its entire lifetime.
Nice guy that I am / was, I always felt it was my mission to take care of others. Of my mother, of girls, of sad men even. I always had an open ear for everybody.
All the while ignoring that I was terribly suffering myself. Ignoring that I was much in need of getting loving attention myself.
I was so self-less, in fact, that I ignored my emotions to the point of. Helping other people was a band-aid, a drug, something to patch my own pain. I saw in other people a small hurt child, completely unable to see that that was how I was feeling myself.
What was I really doing?
I was ignoring the one divine mission that I have on this earth: To take care of myself. To give everything to myself that I need. To actually find out what I – that is, my body and mind – want and get it. To satisfy the needs of my body and soul.
What was the effect of this irresponsibility? My body and mind felt worthless, abandoned, lost. Why? Because every day I ignored them and wished to escape from what I saw as annoying limitations of theirs, I was giving them one more proof that they were notof me.
In a very real sense, I was full of self-contempt – that is, contempt of my body and mind and their limitations or traits. This old article of mine illustrates this very well.
The divine selfish mission
I will not claim that I know what your subconscious / divine / whatever will answer when you ask it the same question.?
But take a minute to think about this and you will understand that it makes perfect sense.
If every being with a consciousness on earth was put here to take care of others … that does not make any sense. For once: If you were supposed to take care of somebody else, why did the divine not assign you to that being? Okay, you could argue that you were put into a body that has he ability to actually take care of the needs of another person that the person him-/herself could not meet.
But a better angle is this, if you let me assume spiritual egalitarianism for a moment: If everybody was put into their respective bodies in order to take care of others, who would actually be left to be taken care of? What would be the fucking point?
If there was no point in you having a happy life and getting your needs satisfied, by what logic would there be a point for somebody else to have that?
That would be assuming that the divine engages in favoritism. That the divine wants for one vessel to live a miserable life and sacrifice itself for another which then in turn can live a happy and fulfilled life.
I will always be there for you
That is the sentence that I now say to me. The same caring arrogance that I imposed on others when helping them, I now impose on the body and mind that were given to me.
Today, I understand that every emotion I feel is a part of this vessel. If I deny, denigrate, ignore or try to suppress any emotion of the vessel, I am its oppressor. In other words: I am my own oppressor.
For most of my life, I thought there was something inherently unworthy and bad about me. And guess what: When I decided to ignore my emotions, what other conclusion could I have made than that my emotions are not worthy of attention? Or thoughts?
So now, I focus on my emotions. On my perceptions. On my thoughts. And I say to myself: Whatever you feel, whatever you think, however good or bad you are by any standard, I will always be loyal to you.
I am making a commitment of loving care to myself that I should have made long ago. I feel like a traitor for distracting myself from myself with other people’s needs.
Loyalty to myself and unconditionally so. That is something I never had, I realize. I always wondered who was the best and then wanted to be like them, essentially raping my real self into ineptly masquerading as somebody else.
There is something that Mike Cernovich wrote in Gorilla Mindset. It was a single sentence, I think, and stayed with me forever since. He wrote that self-talk is something we adopt from those who teach us. We talk to ourselves the way others have talked to us. I realize that this goes way beyond talk. In fact, you treat yourself the way others have treated you. In this case, ignoring your emotions and forcing yourself into a nice shape that is not you. You thought they were right to do so with you and adopted it. You let them teach you.
And in No More Mr. Nice Guy, Robert Glover writes that it is okay to feel any emotion and even express it. This is hard for me to swallow even now, especially the expressing part. Mr. Glover does not mean the emotions girls want you to show. He means the ones that people in your past probably did not want you to show. He means aggression, , sexual assertiveness. He means the things you may be ashamed of feeling without even knowing that you feel them.
The source of neediness
Think of the other implication of ignoring your own needs and taking care of other’s needs.
Your needs are not taken care of. You become needy. You need others to take care of you.
And the weird thing is that the more you hate being needy, the more needy you become. If you take a moment to actually imagine your consciousness as separate from this body, the relationship is like this: Your body protests and wants affection and you keep clubbing it down with a baseball bat.
In the aforementioned book No More Mr. Nice Guy, the author writes that most Nice Guys actually feel bad for having needs. Seem familiar?
So why not start practicing some? Think of it. You are bound to this body. You are the only consciousness in the whole universe that is in the power to unconditionally and always love this vessel.
I realize there is a funny duality of me writing here, because I sometimes write myself and sometimes vessel or body and mind. I apologize if this is confusing and I admit that I am not consistent. But I really make a distinction. The distinction is: Everything that I feel and think and that is part of the human existence is my vessel; the fact that I am conscious and perceiving this, that is me.
Anyway, how did I get this fucking idea?
Maybe it was the process of doing work that I am highly efficient at that brought by a mental clarity that I did not have for a long time. I am not sure what kickstarted my thoughts, but it surely has to do with my newfound fondness of spirituality that slowly came about after my Ayahuasca ceremony and during my subsequent .