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22.10.2015

Mother will leave me alone

I wrote my mother a letter, asking nothing but one thing: To live a life without her, without her madness. Today, I found a letter in my post. Just the way I had asked for it. After all these years, I get the one thing I wanted from my mother. The closest thing to respect I could hope for.

I open the letter. It is written with a computer, no handwriting. It says: ‘Okay. You never have to see me again.’

For a second, I contemplate the shock such a formal message from one’s own mother may bring upon most people. Me, it fills with joy. She showed me respect and gave me the thing I asked for, once in my life. Nothing extra, nothing special. Nothing she thought I needed, nothing she needed to give. Just what I asked her for.

I cry out in joy and happiness.

Maybe one day, I can forgive.

She did write me a passive aggressive short message, too, that she does not want my remaining stuff in her place. I wrote her back that she is not to write me again, last warning. But I figured that I did not really want her to have the power to control my hand that much, so I just blocked her number.

Fuck the message.

Finally, this horrendous bond is destroyed. Finally, it is acknowledged by me and my mother. Finally, everything has been spoken. No more pretense.

I am happy, for the time being.

Leaves me with one thing: The rage against my father.

But in a way, I can relish that. As now, it is free of the toxic female shame. It is a godly rage that comes at the price of seeking men’s approval, but also gives me the energy to be the asshole I want to be. The prototypical rage of the fatherless. The rage against the father’s disrespect. The rage that makes me shout the repetitions in the gym, instead of speaking them meekly. The rage that makes me seek conflict.

Eventually, I will have to give that up, too.

I will know when that moment is here.

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  • Dan

    Thanks for the details of your pathetic life

    • Go fuck yourself, brat.

      • Dan

        Seriously pathetic. And so prosaic. Mommy issues.

        • If you do not wish to fight me, what exactly is the intent of your provocations? Do you want to fuck me? Or look like a big tough guy in front of daddy and other men?

          • Dan

            Just pointing out how pathetic your life is. But you already knew that.

          • Micah Geni

            If you bother to read what you consider pathetic. How would you describe your own life ?

          • Thanks.

          • Really kinda pointless, brother. Better go work on shit that is really important to yourself and leave me alone.

          • Dan

            Sure thing, tough guy. Bye.

  • You write well, particularly in fiction.

    Not all good writers are recognised but this is the way to bet.

    • Thanks, brother. I am not out for fame these days. Just money to live and cool people to talk to.

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  • bem

    As the sole heir, will you be on the hook financially when she gets old?

    • Fair question. Honest answer: Dunno. But currently Im on welfare and I think I’d be going back to that if I had to pay half of my earn for that shit.

      • bem

        Do me a favor – email me (bmtkipod2@gmail.com).
        I want to run something past you.