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12.10.2015

Should you go on a rampage? – Part 3: Possible outcomes

Now we have had them all in the pictures. The militaristic freak, the gangster and now the office monkey. I guess I left out the goth and the nazi and probably a lot more. Well, you can not have it all in live, assholes.

So, I wrote about myself and my life, about motivations and societal hypocrisy. But what could be the actual outcomes of a rampage? What could you get out of it for yourself? What do you hope to get out of it.

The answer seems really simple: Release. Catharsis.

Finally, the things that needed to be said are being said. It just feels right, necessary, unavoidable. But once you cross that line, where will you actually find yourself? Do you want to go there?

Release

My own rage about my stupid old boss was very intense. It was the sole and only focus of my mind at the time and I could not think of anything else to do than to live it out.

I wanted to be honest and have integrity. Standing by who I am. Simply swallowing it? Dealing with it, so to speak? I had been doing that my whole life, fuck that.

But I guess it all comes down to being alone with the thoughts. Once I opened up about it to somebody who understood, the pressure was gone, too.

Before doing it, I felt that it was dishonest. I felt that that person deserved my rage. But in the end, are emotions really that directed? Or is it our convictions and beliefs that tell us where to direct it?

What to be angry at?

Beginning of this year, on an Ayahuasca retreat in Peru, I was on a boat trip on the Amazonas while tripping on magic mushrooms.

That may be the first time I realized how profoundly sad and angry I was about life. I had kept it hidden all my life and had anyone talked to me about it, I would have denied it, simply for the shame of not being one of the well-functioning crowd and what not.

This, by the way, is one thing I strongly urge you to do before making the decision. Trip a few times. Psychedelics have the notion of allowing you to look at your thoughts and emotions without your brain shutting down due to indoctrinated judgment. Even an Ayahuasca ceremony may do you good, although it did not seem like that at the time for me.

Anyway, there I was on this boat, together with this insanely hot French girl, unable to move a finger. And all the anger and sadness about my lacking confidence and courage came up. I looked around and saw fathers with their kids, kids with more real guts than I had.

It was immensely frustrating, but honest at least. On the way back, out of sight of the others, I cried and sobbed like a madman, without any dignity. The sadness alternated with rage and anger.

But who was I angry at?

That was the whole trouble. Who am I supposed to be angry at? God? The world?

But I can fight neither of those. I can not fight god. I can not fight the world. I can only fight people. And no person is singularly responsible for what happened.

Back then, I did not allow myself to direct the anger at my dad, because I was more or less on his side. I would neither have wanted to live with my crazy bitch of a mother.

But I desperately needed to direct the anger somewhere, at someone who can feel pain. To share it, to make it known, to anchor it in reality. I wanted somebody else to feel my pain, so that he would fucking know what I was going through. But again, who is that supposed to be?

Nowadays, I think it is more healthy to what, blame my dad for not being there? Blaming is somewhat useless, but to be irrationally and endlessly angry at him? That is okay, I figure. Anyway, life is not perfect.

My point is: Are emotions inherently pointed at particular people? Or do we just choose them to be?

Because if emotions are not inherently pointed at particular people, there is possibly no need to release them just at those people. Food for thought.

Outlet

Be it as it may, I am proposing that you question whether the emotion really needs to be directed – at least in that intensity – at particular people who piss you off at the moment. In the end, what you need is a release. One that feels satisfactory. If you can have that release and be satisfied another way, is that not worth trying?

As I wrote before, confiding in somebody I respect helped me calm down. The emotion was acknowledged and no longer hidden underneath layers of shame.

But martial arts may be a release as well. My best days at the gym were those when I recollected some very painful memory. It made me an animal. Even another dude told me I looked very motivated. Well, motivated I do not know. But definitely angry.

Mental clarity

One thing that comes after the release – and that is ultimately what you may seek – is mental clarity. When the rage is expressed, it fades and the mind becomes clear. You are no longer a slave of lying and pretending, you are finally yourself.

When I stood up to the cops who came to my place to take my stuff, I felt like taking control of the situation. Disrespecting them felt great, because the fucking democracy and authority worship had clouded my mind for a long time, instilling irrational fear from officials and their omnipotence in me.

By standing up to them, I also stood up to my irrational fear and the shame and the idea that I was somehow not entitled to resisting people who take my stuff, just because they are official monkeys with privileges.

This is indeed a great thing and I believe that you should try it sometime. On a few occasions, I drove away from the cops on my bike or ignored their orders. I felt fucking anxious, because I thought there was some invisible net of drones watching my every step and I would get caught and brought to justice, but I also felt freedom and like a villain. It was great.

I mean, it was nothing that changed the world, right. I did not murder anybody or stuff like that, I just drove without a light or on the wrong side of the road, for fucks sake. But not cowering and sucking up to the cops got them down from the pedestal in my head.

They are not omnipotent. Neither do they carry the right of God or anything like that. They are just dudes who have power.

And actually getting into conflict is a great thing to demystify stuff. If you never do it, it seems like something you will never grasp or understand or be a part of. But once you do it, you develop competence. Like with girls. Do it a few times and suddenly it does not seem that mysterious anymore.

You break through the shame and being ostracized by society and suddenly you stop to care. See it for what it is. Just another mechanism.

An old acquaintance of mine – I mentioned him in the first post – did that thing where he threatened to rampage. Got him into a lot of trouble, debt and prison. I never talked to him about how it felt, because feelings did not matter to me back then. But I do not think he would want to have missed that lesson in his life. He got a glimpse at the system there. And most of the fear the system instills is simply through not being public, not being visible.

There is really nothing as great as mental clarity.

The question is: What price do you want to pay for it?

When you stand in front of all those corpses and realize that they indeed are not immortal, will that thought in itself be able to soothe you?

Disappointment

The thing is, if you go on a rampage, it is kinda final. There is no life during which you can profit from your newfound freedom and mental clarity.

You may stand in front of the mess you did, the rage may fade and you may think: Now I finally have a clear mind, finally I feel serene. I no longer put anyone on a pedestal. The dead bodies are just dead bodies, there is nothing that special about it. I feel a bit guilty. Damn, finally I am in control.

And my life is done with.

And look at the list of those who did it before you. They almost all killed themselves. Did they plan to do that? Or did they suddenly find themselves in a one-way street with no way out, forcing their hand?

Glory

You can write your damn manifesto and tell everybody about your fucked up life. You may get a few fans, yes.

But in the end, you are nothing more than another item on a long list of people who killed others and then died.

Sure, it is your choice. But your deed will eventually be forgotten, people will not care. There were many like you already, you are nothing special.

Will you bring attention to problems of society? Likely not, at least not in the mainstream. The media will denounce you and edit your message to make you look like a loose cannon. A few individuals may read everything and sympathize.

But hey, what did you really achieve? You brought attention to something. Great. And your solution is what? Killing yourself? I mean, look at what you are telling all the other people like you: If society is bad, you have to die or absolutely ruin your life?

In the heat of the moment or in your constant rage, it may seem like you are doing this for yourself, but in the end you are capitulating. You are giving up. You are sending out the message: It is not worth standing up to society, fighting for your ideas. All you can do is run around and shoot people, then yourself.

And if you are young, you rob yourself of possible future insight that may relativize all of it. Know how they all tell you you are entitled to nothing, blah blah? It just makes you more angry, right? You know you want to fucking be loved, accepted and what not.

But take a few seconds to think about the world that would give you what you want. How would that world look?

Is it really those who say you are not entitled who betrayed you? Or is it those who kept telling you fairy tales about a happy life? I mean, look back at your life. Look at what got you here. If this is possible, how can you believe in fairy tales.

It fucking does not make any sense, the stuff people tell you.

If your mother always gave you everything you wanted, but the rest of the world did not, is not your mother the liar? Is not she the one who clouded your senses with an illusion?

But of course your story may be different to mine. My point is: If there is an alternative to destroying your own life – fuck the lives of the others for now – would you not want to take it?

Death

Unavoidable to at least ponder about this one. About the moment when you will stand there and know that this is the final moment. The power you will have, having taken your life into your own hands. The clarity of the decision.

But that is just speculation. Nobody there to report of it. Cause they are dead.

Are the dead satisfied with their choices? Really hard to tell. Maybe yes, maybe no.

Do they burn in hell? Or has their angry god promoted them to get a hundred virgins?

I can only speculate.

Conclusion

This is all that comes to my mind for now. Feel free to bring up other points.

I will probably write one more article about alternatives and ways out. So far.

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  • Micah Geni

    So one ponders about that final decision. Then starts to remember what has been great in life. For me, it was basically those small things. For instance meeting someone I didn’t even know existed, and then just hit it. Find the tune. Make a new (girl)friend. Or simply have a very interesting conversation. Other times, I can ponder about how a puppy/dog, just lied her head on my leg, and seemed to fall asleep while standing (I was sitting). Very cute. Happened see other week.
    Simple things. I sometimes ponder, like of lately, if the true “holy grail”, is affective empathy. People with only cognitive empathy, are often self-serving robots. Do they look happy in general ? They say they are, but look at them. Look at their bodies. Look at their hobbies. Hm

    Growth growth growth. All about external growth. Ruining the globe. Overeating. Others die from starvation. External growth. It is never enough.

    • Not sure anything can be done about the starvation / overeating contrast. All attempts that I know of failed quite miserably. Socialism / communism.

      • Micah Geni

        Global communitarism. World taxation and environmental contracts that sets a limit. Sometimes enough is enough, even when it comes to money.

        People need more internal drive and satisfaction. They are even so stupid to claim to be unhappy despite having “all they can have” of material things. Scandinavia. One of the safest places on earth. Noone starves. Everyone has a room, unless they prefer to spend money on drugs. Yet.. One of the highest depression rates globally. Lots of suicides.

        It isnt working. People just need to look at it, but they dont. Gen after generation, falls into the same trap, imagining things will only get better if this and that, if they can buy shit or shat.

        You earn a lot of money on your music and on this blog ? I guess you’re not earning millions. And yet. You keep writing. It must give you some other type of reward. There should be more Toms in the world :)

        • Having found you is one of the greatest rewards yet. Other than that, it is more a matter of having to get that shit out. I present myself to the world, the world presents itself to me.

          • Micah Geni

            But it is your personality that makes you ponder. That makes you wanna try some new angle. That doesn’t make you stuck bombing small stuff behind your school, as the teenager Tom did. Some people seems satisfied forever, with destruction. Just build bigger bombs later in life, when they are no longer satisfied. Same shit, different tool. And that can be a parallell to modern version of capitalism as well. Fuck the environment, as long as we get more growth.. (destruction by construction, in this latter example. Even harder to spot the negative side-effects, when one thinks one (people) is doing something good, that is catastrophical in the longer term).

            And that personality difference and preferences. Where do they come from one can wonder. Most people are just to scared to try the opposite, because they have been trained into the old style system of what the solution of life is.

          • You sound like commie.

            I still love bombs. In fact, I would love to blow something up. You should try it someday. It is great fun.

            Most people are just to scared to try the opposite</blockquote

            Why the opposite? Why do you see an either/or situation? Why not simply completeness?

  • Micah Geni

    The other day I wrote about the process of exploring your own inner life, and therefore also actually exploring the “global inner life”. The collective (un)consciousness. It wasn’t Jung that led me to that idea. But it was my own experiences that lead me to Jung.

    So you write a book. “Just my own thoughts. Nothing special”. Yet a lot of people enjoy it. They can recognize. Identify. How is that possible ? It is hard to explain, without any existence of what Jung opinionated. Some similar substance. The more materialized we get, the harder it will be to reach within. It will become undervalued.

    Today I cruised around and hit another alternative explanation. Rather weird one. But there is a chance for it to be true though. Isn’t any particularly more strange, than the world religions.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_iqJuQDT96w

    • Spoken like a true esoteric madman.

      Yeah, these are interesting questions.

      But simply speculating about aliens and stuff. Meh. Where is the proof? The video does speak to me in a way, but does that automatically mean that it is pure truth? Politicians speak to you as well, do they not. But it is more about their rhetorics and dramaturgy than about actual content. In videos, it is about presentation, choice of music, voice, et cetera. I am very skeptical.

      • Micah Geni

        Where is the proof of a lot you could say. We only prove that the alternative hypothesis is less likely. Not that anything is “true”.

        But. Aliens or not. DNA as programmed code or not. The concept, the ideas, are quite interesting.

        • It becomes interesting when there is any particular question you can ask and work on an answer for. To me, the hypothesis means nothing. What does it change about my life?

          • Micah Geni

            Your perception ?
            Your values ?

            Reprogramming ?

            What we are now, some more, some less, are kind of socially programmed robots. What is there, behind that ? Is there an even better program for that task ? Is there a better “program” for life, in general ?

            I don’t know. But I am curious. Many times I have hated to wake up. The dream was a lot more enjoyable, than the rest of the day would be. The rest of the day, was pretty much programmed. That is why the alarm-clock woke me up in the first place. Other times, the dream was worse. So I reckon there are both better and worse “programs”.

            It is basically mostly curiosity I guess. An interesting puzzle, “life” is.

          • In an earlier LSD experience, I had exactly that idea, believe it or not. It seemed obvious to me that people are machines. Some are well maintained and running good programs – fighters, masculine men, lifters, healthy people. Others are running desolate software that even lacks an update routine – old, decrepit, weak, fat, no muscles, hunchbacks.

            When I saw that, I thought to myself: Do I want to be a well-maintained machine / robot? Or do I want to be a decrepit malfunctioning robot?

            Replace the underlying bad program with a good one and the body automatically adapts to greatness.

            The program basically consists of routines, habits.

            But you know what? I believe that the human body is naturally equipped with a perfect program. But when abuse or trauma happens, the program becomes disturbed, like here:
            https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Somatic_Experiencing

            So all bad programs are merely distortions / errors in the original, perfect software. Delete the errors and everything fixes itself automatically. Bad habits fall off with time automatically, you start eating healthy, start being confident. All by itself. Only repair the program. Delete the virus.

          • Micah Geni

            But you know what? I believe that the human body is naturally equipped
            with a perfect program. But when abuse or trauma happens, the program
            becomes disturbed, like here:

            You said what I tried to say. What is behind ? There are even normalized traumas. So we dont consider them traumas. Like locking up kids in school 5 of 7 days each week

            Funny you mention that “robot” experience. You don’t really need drugs for that. You just need to be in a totally relaxed “out of your self” mode, when you cruise around. Pure observation, no thought about “how does my hair look now..”. Nothing about yourself, then one gets that “depersonalization” experience/feeling.

            In the east it is maybe considered “meditation”. Here is more likely to give one a drug precipe. Reality (the official one) feels in a way like a dream

          • Fucking A. These days, I have that more often. Even talking with people feels like that. If you let go of controlling shit, it all kinda works automatically. Walking tall. Radiating sexual energy.

            I think that is what they mean with surrender. Trust your program to take care of you and everything becomes a flow. Even insecurity and nervousness and fear is part of that flow. You just have to do nothing but observe, really. It is beautiful.

            I guess that manipulation comes in when you try to consciously override that program, for whatever reason.

            Nowadays, I can not stop thinking about what a tragedy civilization is in many ways. All those fucked up jobs, all that repetition, the disconnectedness from the universe, each other and god; and yes, school, devoid of curiosity and real inquiry, only repetition of words, in female fashion. It is a pitiful existence. I wonder what made it. Psychopaths maybe, I am not sure. Or maybe we live in a matriarchy after all.

          • Micah Geni

            Fear ?

            Can psychopathy exist without any fear ?
            Why hurt someone, or lust for it, if you dont fear that person or if you dont know what fear is like. Isn’t it a lot about “projecting fear into the target”?. Why “elf-defense” if you’re not afraid of dying ?

            And isn’t that what makes most societies go round ? (we should keep it our secrets. People would stop working so much, and there would be less taxes, if “they knew”. ), General anxiety. More digestible when labeled “self-preservation” or some more nice words.
            Of course. In the end, we all have limits. Mine is a little bit above a room and the internet and some food. Not much more.

            So the more people think they need, the more they will do to get it. And when they have it, they start to fear losing it. So they will even pay to protect it. So they also have to work more to get the money to protect the things they bought, and didnt really need, in the first place

            Weird World

          • What you say would be more akin to sadism. From what I understand, a psychopath’s motivation would be curiosity more than lust to harm.

            But let me bring women into this. In martial arts training, I practiced the clinch with a girl. It was about escaping the clinch, so basically she would take me and hold my head near to her breasts, then I would break free and mildly beat her head. It aroused me to no end. But yeah, I do fear women. Maybe there is something about it. Not sure.

          • Micah Geni

            I agree with your diversification. I think most people consider sadism for psychopathy. I considere relabeling it, then I thought that they are just labels.

            Another interesting thing you know. You will be “special” even without trying to be. Women will find you “interesting”, even though you dont try to be. Some will feel “hypnotized” by you, even though you are basically trying to hypnotize yourself into the moment and more of a sense of pure being in that moment.
            You will not be wanting sex, or anything in the running moment. You will only “observe”, as in “who is this woman” (I guess that has some sex appeal for them). You may even be invited back to her place, before you considered the it yourself.
            And if nothing of that happens, you won’t really care about that either. It was never your plan anyway. You didn’t have a plan.

          • Exactly!

  • thordaddy

    For the zeitgeist, rampages are “good” for pushing radical autonomy to a new sublevel so as to necessitate an even greater radical collective autonomy momentarily desired by a temporarily stimulated mass frightfully entertained by manufactured gladatorial theatrics. The ultimate aim is therefore two-fold and each individual compelled to rampage must assess whether he has actually struck at the rightful perpetrators. For the zeitgeist, “default elite” status by definition and an “equality” that grows ever wider. So if the rampage is born of a combination of a belief in the futility of rightful action against the “authority” and a perception of an “equality” made to drown you in worldly burden then the solution is to first deconstruct the problems forcefully. Justified rampage is ultimately a desire for genuine free will.