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11.10.2015

My red pill songs

Before I sold most of my stuff and the police took away my computer, I used to record a lot of music. I was always preoccupied with good lyrics and in a non-game sense, I consider a lot of them red pill. Let me show you.

Most of it is quite melancholical, sarcastic and angry. Others are forcedly heroic and jolly. I used to think that that was simply my taste of music, an abberation from normality.

But emotions follow rules, as I explored in an older article. While all my acquaintances used to make music that was rather happy and playful, it never resonated with me and my attempts to replicate such music just bored me to death.

The reason why I thought that it was just a strange taste of music was that although it resonated with me, I did not really feel the emotion that much. I did not feel sad, but the music turned out to be, more or less. Today it is clear to me that my unresolved trauma from living with my – probably Borderline – mother had simply dictated my base mood.

My whole life until now has been grey and the songs reflect that in a way. As a result of not being very emotional, I compensated with good lyrics. With intellectualism.

A little journey of my life

I will present you songs from the two albums I published on Bandcamp, Nobody’s fault but mine and Luxefer. If you want to download my music in lossless quality or simply support me, please feel free to buy the albums or individual songs on Bandcamp. If you buy the albums, you also get a couple of extra tracks.

In the following overview, I will only embed players for those I consider worthy of attention. I will link to the others I mention.

If you do not care to listen to the music, no need to. This is as much a showcase of my music as a recollection of the last 10 years of my life.

But I will – somewhat proudly – say that the one girl I fucked used to like them. She said she was an Aspie, though. So if you are one, you may like them, too.

If you care to read the lyrics, visit the album or song links. You can read them there for free.

Nobody’s fault but mine

This is the first album I published. The name is derived from one of the last songs that went into it. It was a symbolical attempt to take responsibility of my life.

My first recorded song was Working on this joke, a trite and depressing account of being a person with a peculiar sense of humor. It oozes of self-pity and deadening irony, although I was not conscious of it when I wrote it. I really found the song funny. It is from a very low time in my life, before I even met my father and moved out of home. It is a testament of a complete absence of pride and confidence, compensated for with sarcasm and arrogance. A bit like modern art.

The second song I recorded is called I trust in your faith and came after I had moved out of home. It is more self-assured in its lyrics and is an contemptful and metaphorical analysis of a relationship that is being kept alive to uphold an illusionary idea of love. I thought I was analyzing other people’s relationships, but it was really about my mother. I showed this song to a female colleague at work who had grown up in a war area. She digged it and listened to it often. I love the lyrics and dramaturgy in this one. Example: Warming our hearts by going up in lethal flames. Very cool:

The third song is Sini. It is mocking religion. This is worth listening to because of the way I did it. I set up a synthesizer to create pure Sine waves and stacked them on top of each other to create overtones. Every single frequency in this song is added by hand. It is very harmonic and beautiful to listen to:

A rather lengthy song is Not lonely. I had written it during a one-itis about a stupid whore. Literally. She fucked around a lot. But in the end, it was more about my mother, anyway. Why else would I have even cared to write a song about her. It is a song about a girl who feels lonely, albeit she is not, but simply self-obsessed. Anyway, a pretty classical rock song:

Skin-deep apology is also a sarcastic account of idiotic relationship dynamics. Again, I thought I was just harmlessly observing and making fun of it. But a friend remarked that it seemed very bitter to him. I did not understand. Of course it was about my mother. I like the tune:

Nobody’s fault but mine, the track that named the album, is a rather lengthy and boring rock song. It is basically about me saying Fuck you, I do what I want to everybody. I wrote it after I had read Ayn Rand’s The Fountainhead and was starting out trying to live my own individual life and kick out people I did not like, however meekly.

Narcissistic eagle is a simple and dramatic guitar song about a majestic eagle gliding through the sky and hunting, yet feeling lost. I thought it was about narcissists, but it was about me. I could not and did not dare to really identify as a victim back then, so these kind of musical confessions always carried the guise of sarcasm to distance myself from it. I like it:

Arguably the most work went into Part Of Me. The backdrop consists of 10 guitars which I recorded separately, always slightly retuning the guitar to create a beautiful chorus effect. I worked on this one for weeks and even paid a female singer to sing it for me. The text is about the journey of getting rid of a patronising savior that suffocates the singer. Like the welfare state. It was about me, but I felt it would be cooler for it to be about a girl being victimized by a man, as that is more socially accepted. If you buy the second album, Luxefer, you get this as an instrumental version and as a version with male singing, too – bonus track. The girl who sang it unfortunately did not bring into it the needed pain. Definitely worth listening to:

Other than that, the album contains a few melancholical instrumental pieces: Not yours, Evening Song and Teknody. If you buy the album, you also get an instrumental of Skin-deep apology and a read poem I wrote called The gross dolor of the revolverman.

Luxefer

Luxefer is a fantasy city from a book I started to write, motivated by The Fountainhead. I never got far, but I simply loved the name. Luxefer is a city of iron and hard work where prosperity grows from the sweaty and bloody soil of its heroic and morally superior workers. Yeah, it is quite a cliche. Nevertheless, it sounds cool.

During the production of the songs on this album, I was much closer to realizing that I wanted to be a man, although I was still ashamed of that wish. So the songs are tendencially more angry, more proud and more honest.

Come here is a very simple and dramatic song inviting the listener into a world of struggle, heroism and challenge. I like it so much that I even created a music video, although that is nothing special and quite displays my timid and reserved body language. Anyway, here are song and video:

Silverback Machine is a humorous song about a somewhat selective time machine that makes your sleeves age, so that you may attract girls. Now, I could claim that this is a social critique of superficial PUA techniques, but frankly, it was just meant to be funny:

Why do you tread so lightly is a song I wrote because I thought I had it too easy, as everybody was calling me a spoiled kid and I thought they were right. This was me shouting at god: Show me what you got. God did. I love the tune and the arrogant anger:

Father is a song I wrote after returning from Peru and my Ayahuasca ceremony. It is very honest, sad and emotional. It drips of anguish, despair and betrayal. It accuses my father who left me with that fucking bitch. I dig the synthie / e-guitar tune of it:

Who will stop me is that one overly heroic song, the one attempt to pretend that I was in heaven, not hell. I do find it encouraging and somewhat motivating, if a bit trite. Judge for yourself:

Death is no tragedy is a song about the politics of fear. About a society that hides the dark human traits under the rug, pretends that death does not exist and comforts a nation of babies. About a society that does not want you to fight. I performed this one in front of a little crowd and they joined me for the chorus. I felt like Robbie Williams, it was great and invigorating. I was told that my stage presence was great. It is quite a fun and positive song:

Status is the opus magnum of this album. Sampled orchestra, guitars, male and female singing. It is about female phantoms caught in the mountains, waiting to devour the male heroes that take upon themselves the journey of sucking – climbing – up to them. My rough and aggressive singing contrasts with the feminine clarity of the girl who sang with me. Do not miss:

Marionette is another song that follows in the footsteps of Skin-deep apology and I trust in your faith. It is about a child – me – relishing the manipulation of his mother. But in the end, it was not me who was doing the manipulation, it was my mother. The song works both ways, though. It has a very cool structure, lyrics and dramaturgy. I have an even better version, but the cops took the original file away, so I can only offer you a semi-optimal recording:

One of my two most mature songs is Anger. It is an attempt at a hip hop kind of tune. The text is fantastic, the delivery is satisfactory:

The other favorite of mine is Jesus Must Die. It is a song about me, tired of walking among self-righteous angels, suffocating in superficial goodness, tired of living as a caricature, cut off from my manly and dark sides. It ends with a fall from heaven. It is an attempt at heavy metal, but I am not too satisfied with the resulting sound, it sounds a bit flat. Anyway, I like the song for what it is:

Aside from these, the album also contains a newly recorded version of Skin-deep apology called Mother. The bonus tracks contain the song Part Of Me in an instrumental and male-voiced version and one cool instrumental piece with guitars and drums called Sad guitar piece.

Conclusion

Well, what kind of conclusion is there? This is it.

If you dig the text and think the recording sucks, you are free to use all my ideas and create remixes or rerecordings. In fact, I considered saving some money and some day, pay a producer to record all that shit with a professional singer and musicians and improve where possible. If you feel like it, go ahead, but I can not pay you anything now.

Oh, and I wrote one more song, dedicated to my mother. Unfortunately, I can not record anything right now, because – you know why. So here is the songtext, for you to play or sing yourself. The title of the song is Sad bitches get fucked in the ass. Use a simple 4/4 time signature and the chords D,G,D,A. Here you go:

sad bitches are in pain
sad bitches are insane
sad bitches are a mess
so fuck them in the ass

sad bitches are black and white
don’t let them spend the night
when sad bitches smile
they make you want to cry

sad bitches like to pout
so you put it in their mouth
but if they can keep it shut
you put it in their butt

sad bitches are depressed
they need their asses stressed
sad bitches are alone
their asses need your fucking bone

sad bitches are sad
but sad bitches give good head
sad bitches make sad kids
but sad bitches have good tits

sad bitches have gone mad
when they are gone, i will be glad
use them to take a piss
but do think twice before you kiss

sad bitches are everywhere
sad bitches mud my spear
sad bitches are out of luck
but good enough to fuck

Sincerely yours,
Tom

Update 28.10.2015: You can now find my music on Spotify.

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