A place for a

06.10.2015

Remembering the narcissistic injury

How long ago? How long ago that I hopefully extended my arms to welcome this world, this adventure? How endlessly brave of me. How endlessly kind of me to grant you to welcome me into this world. What endlessly innocent gift I gave you, but you did not want it. It was not good enough. And I hoped I could fix it. But it was never my fault. It was you who could not accept the gift. That endlessly precious gift of my life that I gave to you.

I offered you my openness and you set out to control me. You did not take and love me as I was while I embraced you.

What an unforgivable insult!

You do not deserve one piece of me. You are lower than scum for rejecting me. You pathetic, sad creature. Pathetic for questioning my perfection, my kinship to god. Pathetic for thinking you could improve on his canvas.

Oh, you pathetic sad creature.

My courageous little arms reached out for nothing. Nothing there to love, nothing less pathetic and helpless than myself. Nothing to embrace but my own futile existence in the void. No one to fall in love with but myself, my self to whom I look for answers, just as you did – but of course find none. So I learned to despise my self, for it was all I had and yet it held no answers. But you said it should! So I kept digging, kept fabricating meaning.

All that, because you gave up your responsibility.

Myself, stranded. Left alone where I should have been picked up. 26 years. 26 years of suffering, of hiding, of pretending, of surviving.

For what, mother? What did you win through my suffering? A few moments of the illusion that it was all about you? How dare you bring your conflict with god into my unspoiled life. How dare you try to take his place.

Mother. Think that being a mother is a status symbol? You pathetic, sad fool. No, it is an obligation. A function. The word mother is not meant to replace the word god. The mother is meant to be in god’s service. Was meant, for the task of nurturing me. Teaching me. And others.

But tell me god, where were you when I was floating through blackness? Where was your guidance? How did you let me know truth while she was posturing in your image, laying evil words into your mouth? But no, that is not true. I was the one who let her deceive me, lured by her comfort and pleasures. Finally, it was I who rejected you, father, she was the accomplice. Oh, I am sorry, endlessly sorry for not knowing truth from her lies. Please forgive. But had I not abandoned you, she would have made me suffer only so much more for it.

But maybe it is a lie that you did not guide me. Maybe it was your guidance that brought me here. That finally saved me. But was it? Should I really attribute that to you? No.

I need to hate you. Now. You better be able to take it. You better be.

On the other hand, I rejected as many of your gifts just like she rejected the gift of my life. I insulted you as much as she insulted me. Because I was as vengeful as she, perhaps.

Are we even? Is life a zero sum game, perhaps, where I inevitably become as evil as the evil that took my goodness? Zero sum, so that the system is foolproof? So that I can never end up demanding more than was given, for metaphysical reality could not tolerate a debt towards me? For whenever I set out to be compensated for the evil that was done to me, I take the shape of evil itself? A snake biting its own tail?

Maybe the final, most cruel but also freeing lesson of all is: I am not better. Maybe that is the ultimate narcissistic injury. To be badly, badly wounded and then to look into the mirror to see the same evil that destroyed you, out to prey on others. The most cruel lesson, that no matter how much I want to, I can not justify holding a grudge forever. For it would mean that I could forgive myself just as little as her. The most cruel lesson, that neither I nor anybody else can ever claim the throne of the perfect victim. No one can claim the pride of  having been hurt without the guilt of having hurt equally. For no real human could endure so much without hurting others equally. Hubris is a zero-sum game. You can not become hurt without becoming vile. Jesus is a myth.

So growing up might mean: To accept my imperfection, in the moral sense as in any other. And possibly the capacity to accept it in others, too.

On the other hand, it may simply mean that I can not elevate myself above the baseline by virtue of being hurt by the lowliest. That I can not expect the lowly to elevate me by virtue of being lower than me. That I have to choose to stand up on my own. That bad people hurting me does not automatically make me a good one. That I have to choose to stop playing in the mud, where we throw insults at each other. That I have to commit to good, instead of against evil. So that my perspective is always one of looking up, instead of down. That my point of orientation may become god, not scum.

The ultimate narcissistic injury: You are not better.

And me having nothing frank to counter.

I do not have to forgive. But withholding forgiveness does not make me better. Which is good. Because I do not want to need to be. How could I be? No one taught me how to. But somehow I needed to be. Maybe it is time I asked to be taught.

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  • thordaddy

    What if your life was perfect? Would you then curse your “god” and your mother for bringing you no adversity?

    The First Law of Perfection is nonduplication…

    “Things” were made perfect AND man had a free will… Man transgressed his Father… Father’s love is neither weak nor indifferent. It CAN NEVER BE any different. The effect is everlasting. The modern “solution” is universal equality, ie., total redundancy. The sustained rejection of a Perfect Father (moderns are all or nothing… Perfect relations or no relations). This is a psychological war. You are badly wounded, BUT NOT dead… You can regenerate. Transgressing your Father like a suboptimal A.I. only tells “us” how corrupt is your “free will” programming. Stop transgressing your Father and perhaps you will “see” Perfection more clearly?

    • Haha. In this context, your rambling makes a bit sense. On the other hand, why do I need you to tell me of him? When I can ask him myself?

      • thordaddy

        No one has made any demands. Call me selfish, if you will. I do what I do just as you. But I can’t know for certain how much effort you put into your relationship with your Father? I can certainly assume that you might need to “want to do” more. Maybe not, though?

        • It is between me and him. None of your business. Thanks for the advice, though.

          • thordaddy

            Very well… “We” are able to get there in a myriad of roundabout ways.

            And ^^^ this is not a private diary, but a global confession. Is there etiquette to such an outpouring? For the “man” in *you* at least?

          • Hey, if you do not like it, you do not have to read it. I do not care whether anyone likes this or finds it correct. It is simply what is important to me.

          • thordaddy

            Quit worrying about what I like because you don’t really care. But I am interested in the “rules” surrounding your public confessions because the appropriation of the term “man” would to most healthy minded men SIGNAL some kind of unspoken etiquette concerning how much and how explicitly you will express yourself. Some of “us” have fought real hard to be strong white men in the face of all this degeneracy. Self-aggrandizement and false labeling MEANS SOMETHING.

            Are you really willing to “spill your guts?”

          • Are you a mind reader? I care because I am trying to assess whether and in which way to trust you or consider you a good source of advice. Therefore I seek to understand your motivations.

            Now, if I offend your taste, you are – as always – free to fuck off. If you are going to be here, you respect me and my writing. This is my place. I will not ask you for permission to express myself. Clear?

          • thordaddy

            Lol… But you are “screaming” out your “front window” and “yelling” a lot of nasty and obnoxiousn things at your cyber-neighbors AND WELL… I’m certainly allowed to transverse through here and give you a piece of my mind. The question for you is whether your “manly” rules forbid such an exchange TO CONTINUE?

            PS I ALWAYS give my best truths in this medium.

          • Well, life is nasty. I am showing my version. Everyone is free to accept or reject it. Incidentally, I seem to have struck a nerve with you, else you would not be here. Do not tell me that a man -as you define that – has nothing better to do than to be pissed at some dude on the internet who – god beware – calls his website ‘Man Without Father’. I already told you that I do not care to be your sheep. If you insist on trying to make me that, you have ‘no one to blame but yourself’ for the loss of your precious time.

            You are allowed to give me a piece of your mind, but if you disrespect my explicit wishes, I will block you.

          • thordaddy

            Tom… I ENJOY spreading Truth. I don’t desire sheepwalkers… I desire to create white men that desire to strive towards Supremacy so that I may and my children may be even more free to strive towards Perfection.

            To say you “struck a nerve” is to flirt with little truth TO HIDE bigger Truth… You OPENED THE DOOR to mutual elaborations on Perfection and rejection of redundancy, ie., universal equality…

            The only remaining question is the inexplicable disassociation between your conception and ideations of “perfection” and you as a (white) Supremacist?

          • You initiated the discourse. Your interest, your reponsibility. Frankly, I still think you are nuts. You did have some good words here and there, but that whole perfection thing is boring and abstract. Ironically, you are against redundancy and yet keep using these absolute terms.

            What do you do in your life to achieve Perfection? How would such a life look in your vision?

          • thordaddy

            This is just bad framing. YOU are PUBLICLY “introspecting.” You are “yelling” obscenities in the cyber-hood. YOU INVOKED the discourse about perfection, equality and identity crisis… All your writing is dated as proof.

            I JUST HEARD YOU…

            And have responded…

            IRL, I work to appear, speak and act like a white Supremacist… “Operate” as though I was cultivated by The Perfect Father… The Father of Inequality.

          • Well, if you think that I called out explicitly for you, then you must br narcissistic yourself. As said many times, you are free to leave. I will not accept responsibility for your choice to try yo teach me something. If you think I owe you anything, plese leave. I will likely frustrate your expectations. Do not fall prey to the assumption that I am just lying to you and myself. It is insulting. I need you to respect mr if you are going to be here. Or you will not be.

          • thordaddy

            Tom…

            I SAID that I “heard” you…

            I DID NOT say that you called me.

          • Micah Geni

            Thor is doing some sort of recruitement here. You gotta focus on finding yourself.
            I think Thor would say, that if you find yourself, then you will also discover your “true preferences”, and he might be back to try to recruit you again :) ?

            I asked you in another article, that one might be tempted to ask if this “single-mom” phenomena has been executed with a purpose, disguised as “help, better for the children”, despite science saying it isnt. Why do the police and media shout out small bar fights between a black and a white… Racism !!!.. While many cases of pedophilia is just buried by the police after short time as unprovable. Kids are scarred for life, avoiding sexual contact and such.

            Thor would say yes. There has been a plan. And he doesnt like that plan and he will resist it.
            You can resist it, by spreading your genes. By marriage or some other “normal” behavior, but you first have to find your own, not your mom’s, preferences. What and who do you like. Do You want a marriage. Etc.

            Remember 50 years back. “Everybody” had 1 child before they were 25. These days ? Only the immigrants exclusively, paid mostly by the taxation of white men.
            Has the “system” been rigged ? One gotta wonder.

            As you said in the article. Your now 26 and not even sure what type of girls you like. You have been conditioned to be to scared to even figure it out by having normal and relaxed conversation with girls you dont know. And they have been conditioned to believe every white boy is impotent or a rapist, so they are afraid too.
            (its sick. Society is being ripped apart, and depression goes up, and wouldnt even be surprised if it turns out the Prozac and shit like that, kills sperm cells or simply the desire)

            Confusion can be a strength. Not everything you have from a miserable childhood is bad. It can be turned to advantage. It can also end up in misery. This happening to you right now, is just a phase. Be pissed. Be pissed your mom and grandmom. But dont stay there. At some level, they have also been “tricked”. It isnt all their fault, which doesnt mean the rest is yours. Whose then ? Looping back the rigged system thought. There are very many nice girls out there (or used to be). Be relax and dont let that “free woman/tuff girl” facade scare you away from giving it/them a try. They easily melt

            “Shit happens. Gotta move on”.

          • It isnt all their fault, which doesnt mean the rest is yours.

            They are who did it to me. I must hold them accountable. Stop telling me not to hate them, I got it the first time.

            Everybody is someone’s victim. It means nothing.

          • Micah Geni

            Are you barking at the right moon ?

            Partly yes. But your not alone with this issue. Seems as “the world won’t listen”. Apart from some countries, being a bit more sane.

            Oregon last week. Breivik. (Single moms of borderline-narcissistic type). 295 last year in US. Not all school-shootouts, but “young men from messed up families”. What is messing those families up ? Why does little change ? Who benefits ? Why the need for “revenge” ?

            Rigged ? Don’t play the game. Games are for sports

          • The question may simply be: Who is there to help everybody heal? And how to convince them that that is necessary?

            Revenge is important. The problem is not acknowledging the right target.

            Maybe Thor is Breivik. Breivik was a white supremacist. Both a bit nuts.

          • Micah Geni

            Or maybe he is the recruiter of Breivik :) Hell knows. Or Odin hehe.

            Guns are not the solution. Consciousness is. Self-awareness is.Just don’t drown within yourself. (Icke would claim that Love is the solution. Love as the constrast to Narcissism. Vaknin would of course, as always, link every bad shit in the world to narcissism. Since they overemphasize, it does become a bit silly, but there is also some essence of truth in their preachings)

            This “phenomena” (what a nice word to use to claim that some things just happened out of nothing) is not reserved for whiteys only. Lot of black youngsters running wild to these days. Look at america.

          • Bwahaha, Vaknin seems to be kind of a martyr, if you think of it, publically denouncing himself constantly. He blocked me for noticing that.

            Love sounds good. But love encompasses anger and conflict. It is not antiyhetical.

            Yes, consciousness is important. Yet, even conscious people get into fights. I do not desire a strictly peaceful world.

          • Micah Geni

            You have a different idea of love, from Icke, I think.

            If I understand what he says between the lines, I think his version of love, is merely a consequens of what will happen, when people pull their heads out of their own arses. When they focus less on “me”, and more on the world. Observing. Being in the moment.

            You observe and then search for explanations within yourself ?
            I do it to. Dont get stuck within yourself. Or dont stop observing. So few does these days, apart from observing their own mirror

          • Yes, I want to focus on and love the world, as shortly implied in this article. It was my trauma that kept me barking at the wrong trees. Or still is, who knows.

          • Micah Geni

            It’s just a phase

          • That’s just a phrase

          • Micah Geni

            I think I ripped it from this oldie goldie, when I use my Si, a kind of remember it:

            http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V5Ok7_KFuZw

          • I thought you had ripped it from somebody’s heart.

          • Micah Geni

            Its a good song. Tells you someone has walked in similar shoes. The decadence has been a process, and the “world stopped observing and noticing”.

          • I find it boring.

          • Micah Geni

            You have become too decadent. You have stopped listening.
            As the program intended. Listen to the lyrics.

          • Nah.

          • Micah Geni

            When you fail to recognize yourself, in the mirror. Just because the mirror stands in someone else room…
            What is that ?
            Self-annihilation ?

          • You are rambling. Eat this.
            https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=IoSVGd6EPLE

          • thordaddy

            No… Not recruiting… Attempting to fix the mind of the self-annihilating “white” male of the West…

            I don’t want to be followed or lead… Just fly free.

          • By the way. If you reject redundancy and equality, how can you seek identity in race? That implies that you accept white males more than others. But where is the border line? Where does white end and black start? The mere act of categorizing into white and non-white implies redundancy and equality within these categories. Which is far from plausible; skin shades, hair and eye color, height, intelligence. Now, you refer to me as a high IQ white male. That implies redundancy among all those who share these traits.

            You write that your interest in me is due to the battle I am fighting. Yet if I stop that battle, so goes my identity, and so your interest in me. Correct?

          • thordaddy

            You are doing exactly what I said the “white” anti-white Supremacist is wont to do… Obsess over the ultimate meaning of “white” so as to obscure origin and destination… “White” is a crude and socially constructed approximation of “our” mutual origin. In seeking a common destination, “we” can “run free” in what should eventually be frictionless parallel paths. A voluntary collective of such white men all striving towards Supremacy IS THE ONLY universal taboo still extant.

            Origin and destination are the primary ingredients of identity. Deracination is pathological and has been “sold” to “white” males as radical sexual autonomy, ie, embrace and/or tolerance of abortion, homosexuality, miscegenation, hot lesbians, euthanasia, etc.

            PS. When you conceive white Supremacy, Turks and blacks and Pakis and such should hold no sway… Elicit not compare and contrast… Provoke no internal validation.

            PSS. INHERENT to white Supremacy is SEPARATION… Sustained and maintained. This inherent separation IS NOT EQUAL TO radical autonomy though. In fact, these “separations” are anithetical DUE ORIGINAL motivations.

          • In which way is “our” origin mutual and different from that of Turks, blacks and pakis?

            What is the problem with tolerance? I can tolerate something that I do not like. I can tolerate something while avoiding it. Next time I see an Arab, should I attack him?

            What is inherent separation and radical autonomy and what are the differences? What are the original motivations?

          • thordaddy

            Tom…

            How come the association between white Supremacist and the VERY BEST OF white man cannot be made???

            While…

            The association between “white supremacist” and the very worst of white man cannot be purged?

            BECAUSE…

            You are in a state of radical autonomy and immersed in an ideologically-coerced self-annihilation…

            You are LITERALLY verboten from thinking otherwise as it concerns the consensual definition of “white supremacist.”

            And there is no objection… From Tom!

            You write of perfection and you DO NOT believe in Perfection. This is the root of your identity crisis.

            You CANNOT BE a genuine white Supremacist…

            So you will be nothing…

            THIS GOES FOR ALL OF “US.” ALL “white” males in the Western world. You are a proxy for “white supremacy” whether you like it or not. I’m just telling you because you are in the battle without being in the War.

            You need the right war. A lot “white” males need the right war.

          • I am having my own little war in my head alright.

            I guess that I will choose not to want to be a ‘genuine white supremacist’ then. I do not sense the validity of such a concept, so I would be running blindly after what you say. Which would make it an ideology and thus pointless, anyway.

            If you want to convince me, show me a path which you believe will convince me of your words. If you can not do that, there is no point in continuing debate.

          • Micah Geni

            THIS GOES FOR ALL OF “US.” ALL “white” males in the Western world.
            Just in case it doesn’t, many governments, supportsystem and more, has made it even more difficult to raise kids for whiteys.

            not gonna enter neither a race nor a gender “war”, but the observation is interesting, and valid.

            Another example you may find interesting in regards to this, which has puzzled me lately.

            How come “all the West” prefer and trust Obama more than Putin

          • thordaddy

            A totally pathological deracination beyond a critical mass is all that can possibly explain MRKA’s current state.

          • Micah Geni

            Cannot totally exclude that possibility

          • thordaddy

            Redundancy exists… JUST NOT at the fundamental level. Only at the scientific level does redundancy exist and singularities can’t be observed by the scientist where a simple layman may “see” them almost everywhere. Truth is sometimes stranger than fiction and fiction is swallowed whole as “Truth.”

          • What is the fundamental level?

          • thordaddy

            Perfection. A “place” of no redundancy.

          • thordaddy

            Key equation for consumption…

            Universal Equality = Total Redundancy = “Infinite Regress” = General Entropy…

            What is important about “science” is not its achievements, but its PRIMARY ASSERTIONS about reality. General Entropy is the Scientific Assertion… A Universal Self-Annihilation IS INEVITABLE…

            High IQ “white” males are ACUTELY SUSCEPTIBLE to this self-fulfilling prophecy.

          • I do not know of General Entropy. I know of the law of entropy. Do you claim it to be false?

            What is the result of self-annihilation? What is the result of universal self-annihilation?

    • What if your life was perfect? Would you then curse your “god” and your mother for bringing you no adversity?

      I actually did. Back when I believed my life was perfect.

      I even wrote a song called ‘Why do you tread so lightly on me?’

      From today’s perspective, it reeks of contempt and sarcasm. Back then, it seemed honest to me. But in the end, I guess I got what I asked for. I asked for pain and I got it. I asked for a reason to fight. I got it. I asked for pride for surviving. I got it.

      • thordaddy

        Which is the same way as saying that reality will accommodate your beliefs with the perfect consequences. You cannot then beggar a “disorder in my court.”

        • What is “disorder in my court”?

          • thordaddy

            You cannot conceptualize the consequences of your beliefs as a falsification of “the proper order of things” because said consequences are in your mind a total disorder, ie., lacking no order. You are playing as Judge and inexplicably declaring “disorder in your own court” with no one but yourself to be POSSIBLY HELD ACCOUNTABLE. Where you “rule” is where you “rule.” You must embrace the outcome or change rules.

          • Right. But I am holding no one else accountable. I am holding grudges, yes, but that does not mean that I expect these people to fix my life.

          • thordaddy

            Sometimes a “default” is in order and you wipe the books clean to start a new accounting with a set of more righteous rules.

          • Sure. But I decide when that is in order. I believe I will know when this moment will be due.