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02.10.2015

Should you go on a rampage? – Part 1: My story

I wrote quite a lot about stuff I am no expert in. I began my blog as a copycat of others. But that is okay, I am finding my voice. Today I want to write about something that I can really relate to. About a question that you can ask nobody because you would meet only shame and rejection.

Should you go on a rampage?

And yet it is a profound personal decision that many before you asked. But they could not ask, could they? So they had only themselves to talk to, only the confines of their own mind to reach a silent answer.

Society does not understand your rage and finds superficial answers that satisfy the symbolic mind: Video games, pornography. Ted Bundy even makes fun of that unsophisticated reasoning by using it as an explanation for his own behavior. Very funny to watch.

Of course, Ted Bundy was a psychopath – from my limited knowledge – and his words can mean little to you. A person who does not feel shame or guilt can hardly understand what you are going through.

On the other hand, if you are a psychopath, this article is not for you. I can only superficially relate to you then and thus offer no usable advice.

Why me?

In this first part, I want to tell you who I am. In the following posts, I will then write about underlying motivations and desires, hypocritical morals and possible outcomes of your decision.

So, who am I to talk about rampage?

Childhood friends

Well, for starters, I always attracted friends who had some crazy violent edge, usually hidden underneath.

With my first good friend in school, I spent many weekends building bombs and blowing up stuff in the forest. Nothing fancy, just potassium nitrate, flour and some magnesium powder. We also did airsoft gun matches. Once we shot some boy at school on his leg and got into trouble. It is nothing really dangerous, just a little bite. Anyway, it was all great fun doing this stuff together. There was no emotional depth in the friendship at all, but this common interest made up for it.

Once, we were filming some militaristic-type videos on the roof of our people-silo.We used Silvester crackers as sound effects. Somebody heard it and called the cops. They came with some kind of special commando unit and even said they had a sniper watch us. We had not really broken any law, though. They searched my room at home – my mother let them in, the bitch – and found a tiny 1-inch butterfly knife that was blunt. I had bought it at some Czech market near the border and it would probably fail to kill a wasp. Yet butterfly knives are forbidden and that is the one thing I got charged with. My friend had a big long diving knife with him and was allowed to take it home.

They are fucking ridiculous sheep.

I was an outsider, fat and a loser with girls

I was always a fat kid and something of a clown for others. I lost weight around 17 and was pretty slim around 2 years ago, but I am about 40 pounds above that now. It is a constant fuck in my head.

Once a girl in class wrote me a love letter with a big lipstick kiss on it. It confused me, but also made me happy. Another dude came about touching her and saying look what a great catch for you, look at these breasts. I went to sleep with the fantasy of having her. My roommate at boarding school was glad for me. The next day she told me she had not really been serious. All the while, all the guys around me were having their first innocent experiences and even sexual encounters with girls.

That pattern went through my entire time at school. I was totally clue- and helpless. When a girl showed the slightest interest in me, I hoped for everything. But nothing ever came of it. By now, I pretty much hate girls as much as I desire them. I keep thinking they just want to trick me into thinking something could happen, to then use me as their emotional tampon.

I am now 26 and only had sex one time, with a rather weird girl who claimed she had Aspergers. She had an ugly face, too, but a nice slim body.

Yeah, I know about game and that stuff, but my brain keeps telling me that they are just cruel and want to hurt me. It is a cognitive dissonance I need to do something about.

Misunderstood creativity

I always liked ego shooters. They were simply fun.

I liked to create maps for Counter Strike and Unreal Tournament. Naturally, I used places I knew for this. The boarding school I lived at and part of my school. It was just great fun to play deathmatch in a place you actually know. Damn.

Also programmed a little text-based role playing game about the boarding school. Like where you need to go to therapy and then say the right thing by multiple choice. Unfortunately, my little computer broke down before I could continue.

I was proud of my little achievments and told the elders at the boarding school about it, because I liked to get approval. They seemed superficially interested, but that was about it.

Eventually, there was some other incident where a female school teacher reported me for sexual offense which led to me having a discussion with my school director. The people from the boarding school were there, too, and the stupid bitches had fabricated a fantasy story out of the pieces of information I had given them. They concluded that I had programmed a game where I run through the school and boarding school and murder teachers and therapists.

This was surely motivated by the climate of fear of school rampages that was already taking a hold of life back then.

But it was, to me, also a proof that adults – other people – are just fucking stupid and see what they want to see, especially if the do not like you. You show them a piece of the puzzle and they think they are being smart by making deliberate connections. Assume that atoms are made like solar systems and similarly nonsensical stuff.

A later incident proved me right.

Not that I would shame anybody who actually makes a game where you can murder teachers. But I simply had not done it. I am not angered that someone assumes I could have done it. I am angered because people just do not give a shit about whether it actually happened.

Bastian Bosse

Then there was this dude, Bastian Bosse, who went on a rampage in 2006. Here is a video by him. See his frustration and anger?

Back then, I was just a sheep like everybody else. Sure, I was blowing up stuff, but I could not connect the dots yet. I did not even consciously know that I was feeling much of the same frustration and anger, because it was such a natural part of me or because I projected it into the world and assumed that life just feels like that.

It angered me, though, that politicians attacked video games as the cause. I was not sure what other explanation there could be, but that did not make sense.

Today I look at Bastian, at his voice, at his body language and all I can think is: Video games did that? Really? How about isolation, loneliness, no real parental love? But you can not fix these things, as much as you want to. You can not force people to love each other. And politicians need to give simple answers. Clear-cut solutions.

I created a documentary about the whole incident and tried to show some compassion without taking sides. I was still acting as an agent of the system, though. My message was: We can understand him, but that does not mean it is right what he did.

I was a bitch. Moralizing, if even so subtly. Maybe the subtlety made it only that much more manipulative and dishonest. Today, I think there is no right. There is only the law of those in power.

got many positive comments on the video, before I eventually had to delete it due to copyright infringment. It is gone, do not even bother to ask.

Anyway, some other dude from my city saw the movie and contacted me.

The other dude

This guy was quite a sympathizer with Bastian and about on the same wavelength as me, at least intellectually. My friendships were all just intellectual, I did not know anything else. Did I even really know what emotions were apart from enjoying to blow up things? I am not sure. I thought emotions were just rhetorical weapons, bothersome and futile pretenses.

One day, I saw his social media pictures at the front page of a newspaper. Made me kinda proud to be part of that, me little narcissistic sheep.

The guy had sent an email to the police, threatening to go on a rampage. It was a mere joke to him, but the police sent out hundreds of guys who knocked on every fucking door and asked: Was this you?

When they knocked at his door, he said Yup.

At least that is what he told me. I do believe him, because I know that the police is stupid.

But in the newspapers and official reports, they would talk about the genius of the police force and how the police’s computer experts had traced him. They use all the scientific sounding words to make themselves look good.

My ass.

The guy had put up pottery as his hobby on social media. The newspapers ate it up. They wrote those cool headlines: Who was he? The silent guy who liked pottery? Weird, weird, weird.

We laughed to death about it.

He eventually had to pay 15.000 Euros and spent some time in jail. We went to cinema together a few times. He was a fun guy. Not some kind of monster. Sure, he had his problems, probably even big ones. But so what?

On tv, it always seems so alien, so remote. That must have been some weird guy. Well, people, let me tell you: You are all weird.

Anyhow

Even as time went on, I kept attracting that sort of people. Nothing had changed about me.

Until recently, I used to talk to a guy in the park. He had been in depression for a long time and told me he hated everybody and contemplates rampage. I arrogantly tried to motivate him not to hate and asked him whether he hated me. But I was just pretending. It was just a mask. I felt I was better than him, but I was not.

Feeling better than him made me feel like I belonged to the right people. That I was normal. That I had no problems. Because cool people do not have problems. Cool people are fucking lions!

And in that arrogance, I could always project all my problems on others and smart-assedly tell them how to solve it all. Feel like it was not part of my own life. Of course, I was having the same problems. Of course, my proposed solutions did not work for me, either. I was just uttering what I had heard. To feel smart and superior; and I enjoyed to patronize.

Let us all pretend to be happy, because happy people are cool. But the truth is: People who are ashamed of not being happy and docile, they are not so dangerous to the system.

Until they explode, that is.

Eventually he told me that I annoyed him and we went separate ways. Had I been honest, I would have done the same earlier.

Descent into loneliness

Over the last two years, I lost contact to everybody. I finally told my mother to go fuck herself, kept doing a job I hated, kicked all my friends out of my life, eventually quit the job. At the job, I had tried to get some from two girls, and with both I failed miserably.

Then followed months of isolation. Reading Manosphere blogs. Martial arts, too, but I did not go there to make friends.

Started walking tall, holding eye contact. Occasionally tried to do something about girls, but mostly it stayed a fantasy. I just did not want to go through the humiliation again.

I kept failing to lose weight. Kept being undisciplined with work. Failed to go out and actually talk to girls, as I thought I wanted to.

Eventually got a fine project, but I am in financial trouble, did not manage well.

All the time, I was not happy. Something was simmering under the surface, waiting to come out and be recognized. I got a glimpse of it on Ayahuasca and magic mushrooms, but kept ignoring it. I was not one to talk or think about emotions. Wanted to be more of a stoic dude.

But I did not really have the energy to be that great hero I wanted to be.

Incident with the police

I think I finally reconnected with my own rage when the police knocked at my door and took away my computers, with my projects, photography, videos, music, everything.

For something I did not do.

And it will likely get me into a lot of financial trouble, too.

Fucking sheep.

One step to the ledge

All in all, in hindsight, I gotta say I am pretty much a big loser at life. Aside from the fact that I am a good programmer, there is little redeeming about me.

There were many times during the past year when I half-seriously contemplated suicide. The thought calmed me. It feels freeing. Taking my life into my own hands. No, I do not want anybody to cry at my grave. I prefer that nobody even know I existed. I do not want to feel guilty for dying. I want to have the fucking freedom to end this life.

But I can not do it. There are things I desire – women – and even the faint hope that I may reach them keeps me from killing myself.

In that moment, in that rage, though, I realized that I was one step ahead of murder. I realized that if I did not have a damn good idea, I would be bound to do it, because it was the only outlet I could think of. It felt right. It was an emotion that needed expression, desperately.

Asking for help

I recalled something I had read in No More Mr. Nice Guy. About having a safe person who will not shame you.

It felt stupid. Damn circle-jerk whining, right? I want to be able to do it alone. I want to be nobody’s fucking sheep. But in that moment, I realized that alone on autopilot, I would eventually self-destruct and take with me whatever I could.

So I wrote a letter to an acquaintance, one I hoped would understand. I was honest. I said dude, I just do not know what to do. I can not control the rage anymore. I want to see the world burn. Life has been throwing shit at me since I can remember and now they expect me to keep playing nice. It is killing me. I am confused and alone.

He answered promtply and told me he does understand. He told me he had compassion and sent me his love. I told him that I have none to give back. I am empty. He said that is okay.

I felt appreciated, for the first time in my life, for who I really was. All that approval to date? It was fake. It was approval, but of someone I was not. Thus, it was useless.

And, what surprised me the most: I did not feel like a sheep at all.

I did not feel those invisible strings attached to me, from now on making me a slave of the person who had given love. The strings I so feared. No, I could simply receive and retreat.

My mother had always pitied me when I told her something of myself. Or she even made it about herself, made me embrace her instead of the other way.

I do not want pity. Pity is revulsing.

It was this condescending and melodramatic pity that I feared the most. But instead, it was just: Hey man, it is all cool. I understand.

And he did not just say that, because that would be meaningless. I know some of his past. He really does understand. And that makes all the difference. It is not just a psycho trick to make you calm down.

And I did not have to fake anything to get that. Read: I did not have to fake anything. I did not have to pretend to be less of an asshole than I am, formulate it in a nicer way than I meant to, obfuscate my message through fancy words, or give anything in return.

The wish to blindly murder or hurt without goal faded away enough for me to be able to control it.

So, if you are feeling what I felt: I understand. I can not send love, but I understand.

Conclusion

This is it for now. I will write more soon.

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  • Micah Geni

    Great article again. Said it before, you’re an introspective super-talent. And your writings and language, in contrast to mine, I think it is superb. A lot of insight in what you write.

    Be honest, straightforward, when in conversaition with women, you will meet attraction Cannot win them all, but you will get quality, as in a good fit for you. It is emotional dangerous though, shivering, but it calms down. You know what they say. “we were not meant for eacher anywho”. A comforting cliche, yet it works, and there is a lot of truth in it

    In a way it goes like that with mothers too. A bit scary. Being able to be hurt, again. I dont know, they often try to raise our kids their best. The quality of that effort may vary. Some good moments I know is in your mind. Mothers too, also change. Probably not so much when it comes to introspection at your level, but some. The emotional connection is still there. Maybe reduced, but it is there. You probably both feel that way.

    • You said that one thing about seeing my mother as a little child. It is funny. And accurate. Nevertheless, this child has quite some negative influence on me. No way I am going there again.

      On a side note, whenever I treated my mother indifferently in the past, she seemed more ‘into me’. Weird and interesting world.

      • Micah Geni

        You set your boundaries with your mother. Right now, it is no conact I understand. Later it may change. But that “child”, you give her a finger and she will grad for the hand. That can be very annoying. Just try to stay true to your own well being and your own boundaries. Then it does become less annyoing and the contact, even if very rare, more of a win-win situation.

        There is a lot of unconscious emotional controlling psychology in some females. Probably to some degree it does exist in all mankind. Men tend to be more violent to control that fear, women more emotional (manipulativ). BUt we all vary. Also women. Your mother isnt the standard. Some women are great, some arent. And what is great ? It is a person who fits the real Tom. But how can you find that one, if you hide the real Tom. You dont hide him here, so maybe you’ll already has one or two female big fans :)

        It wil be fine. If sex is what you need now, try to focus less on it, but still takes what comes.
        When it comes to sex, it is a lot as when it comes to your mother. The less interest you seem to have in it, the more initiative they take.

        • When it comes to sex, it is a lot as when it comes to your mother.

          You can have her, if you like her so much.

  • thordaddy

    Step back from seeing all relations with females as a romantic interest or nothing else? There may be the perfect female friend. The perfect female coworker. The perfect female gym partner. And on and on. Or maybe, they are merely just ideal. AT LEAST “see” that they can exist. Only limit your level of degenerate relations. Never limit unique relations.

    And define your “rampage?” Future father… Children under existential threat.. Justified rampage. Innocent victims… Self-imposed identity crisis… Diabolical shifting of consequences… Unjustified rampage…

    • I was friends with women in the past, but always as a pretense. I may consider it one day, when my thirst is stilled. Yes, women have more than one facet, but it is only the one I am interested in.

      Not sure what you mean by that definition part.

      • thordaddy

        Not all “rampages” are equal (there is no true physical redundancy… No equal rampages), but your question set “it” up as though “rampages” were such.

        • Ah. But it does not matter. Those who find use in the article, will. Those who will not, will not. I offer understanding for the former, that is the purpose, aside from curiosity and self-exploration.

          • thordaddy

            Huh… In a finely tuned universe, everything “matters.” And I also made “use” of your post. I utilized the opportunity to counter your attempt at introducing redundancy (universal equality) into a finely tuned environment. In other words, your attempt to introduce “rampage” ON AN EQUAL BASIS requires a psychological thwarting because purposely failing to distinguish between justifiable rampage and unjustifiable rampage simply leaves your intellectual subordinates in mental disarray.

            What “use” can one find in equal “rampage?” What “use” can one find in equal “anything?” All one finds in “equality” is redundancy.

          • Your definition of justified rampage is arbitrary and just reflects your own values, not mine. I set out to create a non-judgmental article.

          • thordaddy

            There is a case to be made that all are victims of modernity just some victimized more equally than others. What would evidence of this victimization read like in those more equal than others? Penning an article that non-judgementally fails to make distinctions amongst unequal rampages for the mere purpose of introducing thoughts and ideas of JUST rampaging? Who decides whether a “thing” is a rampage in the first place? Can one go on a rampage and ultimately kill no one and this be a rampage equal to the one where 32 people were killed?

            My four children iare in this cauldron of proliferating rampages. Should they also possess “rampaging” as a viable survival option?

          • Listen, man.

            I am tired of this discussion. You may have some good ideas, but you are also nuts.

            I do not wish to be converted. Take your bullshit somewhere else and save us both time.

            You are welcome to disagree with my approach here and comment on that, but I do not want to hear about identity crises and white supremacy anymore. Us both being white does not make us friends or allies in any way.

            As for your question, a rampage is something where you go out to physically harm and/or kill others. I appreciate your concern with concise language, but I see no relevance here.

            Do not bring your children into this. The world is full of children. I was a child, too. I do not give a fuck.

          • thordaddy

            You don’t seem to comprehend that your “type” is the most dangerous type in the West. High IQ “white” self-annihilator amplifying his self-annihilating ways across
            the globe. Who is going to hold you accountable?

          • Are you threatening me?

          • thordaddy

            Lol… Do you read a threat in there? You are declaring yourself a threat to the outside word. Why is the question?

          • Yes, I did. You implied someone needs to hold me accountable. So listen here, brother. I am an adult, just like you. The world does not belong to you and your ideals. Deal with it. You live your life as you want to and I live mine the way I want to.

            You tried to convince me of your ideas, that is fine. I am not convinced. End of the story.

          • thordaddy

            No Tom… ASKING “who” will hold you accountable can in no way be considered a threat. That’s “nuts” talking. Perhaps, the “who” could be “you?” Perhaps, the “who” could be your “father?” Perhaps, the “who” could be no one? I asked BECAUSE I’m seeking out your answer. And in your mind, the mere question is a “threat.” But the implication is that you desire to be accountable to no one (desire radical autonomy) and so the “man without a father” has a smidgen of phony pretense about it.

          • The important point is that I am not accountable to you. The rest is my business, not yours.

          • Micah Geni

            Tom

            The pics are a bit silly. Should take them down. Doesn’t fit you.

            What if ? (Im into those, what ifs)

            Europe is the modern Noah’s Ark. 1 of several possibilites

          • Aspies seem not to like dirty humor.

            You think it does not fit me because of your expectations. Your vision of me. Adjust your vision instead of telling me what fits your picture.

            That is quite a big ark. I do not care to pursue this line of thought, though.

          • Micah Geni

            Narcissistic parenting:

            Pick a scapegoat and a golden child. And treat them according to that choice.
            Have them sort it out.

            Is that a good parental strategy ?

            Only if you want less kids, and you prefer not to get your own hands dirty.

          • Thor, Micah, I think you two are a match.

            You both have the great gift of confusing me.

            You should continue this debate without me. Feel free to use my humble writing ground for this purpose.

          • Micah Geni

            Neh.. Not participating in narcissistic game and strategies. I let the parents clean up their own mess.

          • You think Thor is a narc? Seems a bit like it, eh. Although I am no expert. I am Captain Codependent, after all.

          • Micah Geni

            I think he is biting. The hook. He is being played, but think that he is choosing independently. I dont think he is a narc. Just a little pissed off about the situation, the trap, being a scapegoat, as white man has been the last decades

          • Which hook?

            Interesting.

          • Micah Geni

            Who has set up this mess of the West today ? I dont know who that is, but one could call “them” for “the narc parent”. Just an analogy.

          • Ah. I do not quite follow, but that is okay. I do not really care.

          • Micah Geni

            You never had siblings :) It may be new, but it is an old game.

          • Maybe your siblingship is the reason for your simplification – pardon – siblification.

            I know how being a scapegoat feels, though. Interestingly, though, maybe I know both sides. My mother being the bitch she is, swinging from adoration to contempt and back again.

          • Micah Geni

            Yeah you do. They cannot avoid their “tactics”, so you get a little of both, since she only had you.

            You’re german right. At least you know the country. Who is shouting “Merkel, Merkel”.. Mother Theresa ? And who is working their asses off for very little reward.

            Setup. As is feminism. It can be naivity. If so, they will change course, once they realise what is going on.

          • Dude, I reckon you may be having some good ideas, but your writing sometimes seems to be jumping from one idea to the next without any connection. Hard to follow. Try to proof read and wonder whether you would understand it without having the thoughts in your head.

            Yeah, I am German. Mother Merkel. I saw her on an automobile convention once, walking erect (still small, though) with lots of important people around her. Makes me giggle. Just an old hag, but everyone wants to be seen with her and somehow she is important.

            I was working as a photographer on that convention and some guy introduced himself to me. I asked who he was. The other dude around exclaimed surprisedly ‘That is the boss of so-and-so!’ So what? What do I care?

          • Micah Geni

            Whether you care or not, is up to you. Think about the situation, not yours, but the world. Can it go on ?

            2 cents that Mommy Merkel just “wanna be adored”. Not so hard to understand that she does :)

          • Can what go on? What is ‘it’? Do not be mystic. I do not like mystics.

            Merkel sang that song. Before she converted.

          • Micah Geni

            I salute your introspective intelligence

            I never saluted your existential intelligence :-)

          • I believe you did, once.

            On the other hand, what do I care?

          • Micah Geni

            Don’t care then. A good choice

            I also once told you that:
            The truth is what maximize your own emotional well being.

            The real truth, doesnt always do that, necesarilly. So I am crypto, because it should be up to you to figure it out, the situation and stuff. I’d say 99.99% are probably better off without,.

          • Go to sleep.

          • Micah Geni

            lol. Should delete it. It is kind of offensive.

            Dont how bad things are. At some point, people in general, in a lot of struggles, turn to ideas.

            Religion, race, gender, IQ etc.. It is basically about hope and solution.

            I think thordaddy picked one “hope and solution”

          • Ideas instead of feelings?

            I think I had quite enough of that in my life. Tired of ideology.

          • thordaddy

            Micah…

            You will have to elaborate further?

            As an aside, I am essentially a man without two “fathers” now, but also a never married, separated father of four.

            As to the notion of scapegoat, the reality is more straightforward. Germans and Americans are, as a super-majority, anti-white Supremacists. Ergo, there is a real, concrete, near universally agreed upon scapegoat.

            “We,” as generic “white” males are just the “beneficiaries” of prox-enmity.

          • thordaddy

            “Tired” of a “discussion” and on your way to warriorhood… Lol!!! Look Thomas, IN THIS WORLD, you are either a white Supremacist or a “white” anti-white Supremacist… Er, some variant mutation of an SJW archetype. There is no middle ground. No Neo’s reaction. No matrix. You are a high IQ “white” male MORE SENSITIVE to “equality” dogma than your less intelligent “white” peers. Your mental battle is the attempt at rejecting both “equality” and “Supremacy” as the essential operating paradigms. This flattening of reality only really has the practical effect of advancing Universal Equality. You apparently cannot “see” this effect in your work and writings?

            Why can’t you make an intelligent decision to be dumber for your own sake?

          • Why is that so? Because you say it?

            As I noted, your argumentation has not convinced me logically nor otherwise. That is your shortcoming, not mine. My comprehension of your writing is mediocre at best; since I consider myself versed with language, I account this to your shortcoming as well.

            You see the world in black and white. I do not.

            Stop flattering me with the trait of intelligence, I do not care. If I am so intelligent, maybe you are dumb, because I do not get your point.

            If you think, on the other hand, that I am too dumb to understand – or too smart, whatever suits you – then simply go find someone else. If your words have merit, I am sure there are lots of likeminded individuals out there who share your views or are open to them.

            You can write your own blog and ask to be included on manosphere.com, then you will have the same audience as I do. Hell, you can write lengthy articles that dispute and shame what I write. I welcome it.

            But leave me the fuck alone.

          • thordaddy

            Tom…

            You’re too intelligent to get the benefit of ignorance. It just is what it is…

            If the most intelligent Germans are not generally responsible for the existential crisis ( >2.1 fertility rate) of Germans then no one can be responsible in any way other than the most arbitrary way, ie, in the manner of scapegoating.

            I am not here to scapegoat you, only to inform you that you are ultimately in the scapegoat class whether you like it or not.

            But what if you embraced “it” and took a hold of “it” and wielded “it” to your immense benefit?

            I am part German (German/English), too, but of the American liberationist variant.

          • I do not know what American liberationist means and do not care to look it up right now.

            I do not accept that responsibility, if simply for the reason that I have enough trouble with my own life to expend any energy otherwise. Neither do I see myself as a German, being born here, but my parents both originating from Czech.

            I kinda understand your feelings about the scapegoat class. Then again, I do not see myself as a member of a class. I see myself as an individual. If people piss me off, they are in trouble with me, not with my class.

            Frankly, I have never encountered discrimination based on my skin color, not in Germany. Rarely, some nigger dared to scapegoat me, but I think I am immune now.

            Your approach is too simplistic. I do not think that embracing white supremacy will in any way solve any major problem – and if so, you would first have to very precisely define the problem and what exactly you are trying to solve. Although I enjoy the manosphere on an emotional level – like a locker room – a lot of the content is just not convincing enough for me without further research.

          • Tell me. If a rampage is not justified, how come the gunman feels it is? How can you grow up feeling victimized if you never were?

          • thordaddy

            A rampage is not justified if you murder innocent people. A rampage is justified if you kill evil. “Feelings” be damned. Of course, in our world this may be a difficult judgement call. But objectively, if the two rampages take place as objectively stated above then the distinction is quite clear. One’s ONLY POSSIBLE RETORT is flat-out denying an objective distinction between innocent and evil.

          • I do not see a clear-cut distinction between innocent and evil.

          • thordaddy

            Yes… This is a problem of “acute equalitis.”

      • Micah Geni

        Yes, women have more than one facet, but it is only the one I am interested in.

        I’d guess your quite lucky then. All you need to do is earn money enough to buy some.

        You view it very negatively. “Only 1 experience”. Better:

        Thank God no more than 1 experience. It must be very ulikely that I have some STDs :)

        So now you just gotta earn money enough + for a condom :-()

        • I did not know you were capable of sarcasm. Nice try.

          • Micah Geni

            Thought I was gonna rest your case.. What a heck.. This is a great song. Oldie goldie

            So it is not the sex, it ain’t the conversation, nor the personality.

            What is it then ? Do you wanna be… ? :

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kmAZWKdCvmI

          • I don’t need to sell my soul
            He’s already in me
            I wanna be adored

            That is so gay.

            The tune is catchy, though. If he was not singing, it would almost be enjoyable.

            But yeah, wanting to be adored is quite a theme, is it not. I have a talent for being adored, I think. But not for the real me.

          • Micah Geni

            Could be that you dont show your real you, apart from on the internet.

            That said, be warned. There are a lot of people these days, to stuck up in theirselves, to notice “quality”. Dont bother about becoming disappointed. It ain’t all up to you.

          • Of course. But I do it more often than in the past. Every day a bit more. Pushing the boundaries. Telling people to go fuck themselves when I do not like them. It is freeing.

          • Micah Geni

            It’s a process. You’ll come out on top of it. Right now, you’re finding yourself.

            And excellent that you’re use the pen for it. Also for us readers

  • Honest, straight up no bs writing. You wear yourself on a sleeve, something so many people are afraid to do.

    Im 26 as well, though I turn 27 this month. I didn’t lose my virginity till I was 25. Discovering the manosphere helped alot. Since then I slept with 10 girls.

    However, I grew bored and unsatisfied with it several months ago. I needed more. (I found a unicorn, am marrying her, and have a kid on the way.)

    You need to score, and you will. You however have to take every chance you get and play the numbers. You will get bored of hooking up after a while, but you need to get that dose of it in for that boredom to occur.

    Essentially, you need to feel the fire of the oven to realize its hot.

    • The thought of marriage abhors me and I find it hard to respect you for the choice, alone considering the laws that surround it. Even if the relationship is perfect, it will likely not be forever. And then, in this system, you are fucked.

      Nevertheless, I think that the kind of path you describe is something that I would like. It is indeed very likely I would get bored of it, once I would be able to prove to myself that I can have it.

      Very motivating comment, thank you.

      I am still too scared to start myself. The fear protects me from a strong pain that I have described in other articles. But I feel I am getting closer. I am reading good books. Being more honest. The shame is slowly fading.

      Be well. Hope your kid will be a boy whom you can teach all the cool stuff.