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30.09.2015

Fear of rejection: No, fear of guilt and shame

I never felt like I really feared rejection, the idea seemed pointless to me; thus I refused to believe that I am motivated by fear when I fail to approach girls. Whenever I did, I usually did not feel very bad about being rejected. Especially the beautiful girls that I preferred to approach often had extremely positive attitudes and the rejection felt painless.

But when I look closer, there is a pattern of rejections that irrationally terrified me to the bone. One of those was when the girl that rejected me was of the rather unhappy kind. It left me feeling grossly inadequate. The other, even more painful kind of situation ensued when I felt that the display of my desire made the girl uncomfortable or downright clam up. I felt like hell hath me. It was unbearable to the point where I would have done almost anything to stop the sensation.

My intent was, of course, only to make her dank at the twat, but intent is not everything.

The pattern of fear

It was fear that motivated me to become a social recluse. To cut off all my friends and contacts. And it is fear that hinders me from talking to girls and trying to make friends. It is a paralyzing and maiming fear.

A profound fear of guilt and shame.

When I see anybody – especially women – who do not display happiness, something in me goes havoc. There is something wrong, I feel danger. I feel the responsibility to fix it; not because it is my fault, but because I simply cannot take seeing discomfort in others. It literally offends my sense of security.

Vague memories come up of a mother whom I heard cry miserably. I must have been very small. I must have believed the world was going under. She would have cried out in such an existential manner that it would give me the creeps. And why? What happened? It must have been an argument. I must have used logic as domestic violence, possibly.

My grandmother – the only other person in my family – would have come into my room, with a facial expression of despair. She would have said that my mother was very sick and very sad and that we had to try to accommodate her. She would have said that I would have to be very nice to my mother so that she would not suffer. Maybe she would have even said that I caused her suffering through something I did. How can a child have that power? I would have wanted nothing more than to see my mother happy and yes, if it took for me to be a selfless nice boy, that is who I would need to be. Simply because I could not possibly tolerate seeing her this way.

But time would pass and I would grow tired of it. Blind rage would build up in me, only to burst out at times, making me unconcernedly beat up helpless children at school and vandalize the play room at the kindergarden. Or argue with my mother, urge her to look at the problems we were having. Woe, would my mother suffer. Woe, would I be caught between the guilt of being inadequate and my male violence that needed an outlet.

Painful rejection

When I invited the concierge at the hotel in Prague to my room and she made plans with me for the next day, I felt all kinds of hot. When she left me a note the next morning, that it would not work out, I was frustrated that I would not have sex. But even more, guilt overwhelmed me. What did I do wrong? Did I overstep a barrier? Did I force her into saying yes without meaning it? Oh, what had I done to her. If only I had kept my penis to myself.

When I, burning with desire, asked the doctor’s assistant for a fuck and she refused, I took it as a part of the game that I would not fuck. But I felt like the devil for being so daring, felt like the lowest piece of scum when she meekly said Bye afterward.

When I set after my colleague at a grill evening, she kept refusing me, but I did not care. I pushed on and on, because it was all a game. I did not care about fucking as much as I enjoyed the hunt. But when she grew cold like an icicle the next days, I was helpless against my guilt. Within the course of a day, I gave in and apologized, eventually rationalized that I was only afraid of losing my job. I could not see myself as anything but a dirty criminal.

When I asked the really hot girl in the park if she wanted to go for a drink, she happily refused. I moved on with a smile on my face. Same with the two young bunnies whom I asked whether I could join them at their picnic. I was nice, they were nice. When I asked another kinda ugly girl and she looked at me with disgust, I once more felt like I had transgressed a limit.

When I was having a drink with an admitted beautiful non-commercial whore and bluntly told her I wanted to fuck her, she hardly cared. She was not offended, she took it as a compliment. Although she was a horrible person and her disaffection came at the cost of her not caring about me, I was unspeakably grateful for her unspoken acceptance of who I was and what I was expressing. I actually enjoyed the distance. Not caring meant not pretending. It led nowhere, but we parted ways in peace. When I eventually did something that made her angry at me later on, my demons came up once more.

The pattern of guilt

When men say that all men secretly want to be heroes for women, is that true? And then they see men who have no such tendencies and they call them sociopaths. Healthy men. No, healthy men do not cruise the internet to find the truth about women. They are out there fucking them, because it is not a big deal.

Where does that heroism come from? In my case, it comes from a kid who decided to take matters into his own hands. A kid who thought he could do anything, fix anything, make everything perfect. A kid who was praised for these efforts of his and liked by the weaklings who thrived under his selfless affection. And whenever that kid failed, there would be someone to remind the kid of its noble goal:

You do not want momma to be sad, do you?

No, of course not! The ideal would flame up again, the hero would hold his burning sword once more and play nice, make momma happy. And she would be.

That kid developed a weird kind of hubris, did he not. The hubris that he had the power to make everybody happy through wearing a mask, being the person others need. And this mad illusion of power led that kid to not being able to tolerate discomfort in others. Because, think of it: If I have the power to make everything right, how can I live with myself, yes how can I justify not doing it?

But that deluded kid would do well to remind itself that he did not selflessly decide to be momma’s hero. He decided to do this because he needed her to be there for him. And if being himself would make her unavailable and sad, no, then he would rather not be himself. Every kind of pain and effort is better than abandonment. And what other choice does a kid have who can not simply run away from that terrible, blood-curdling cry of agony that his mother utters?

That is not all

But I not simply fear guilt, no. Much like the guilt I fear the terrible abuse I will take because of it. The terrible people I will stay around because of it. I fear that I will once more get to be with a person like my mother, who does not care for me but to drown me in useless love and praise, with no chance to escape. I fear the marionette that I will become in order to not have to feel guilt. I fear for my freedom, because once those emotions get a grip on me, I may as well have forgotten what self-respect and reason mean. I fear getting overly attached to the first woman who remotely accepts me for who I am and to succumb to my gratitude. I fear for the freedom of thought that I enjoy in solitude and I fear the people I will pretend to be when I am in company of others.

Paranoia. If girls behaved like bitches, I would subconsciously believe that it was only a trick to make me express anger and hurt them, causing them to play the victim and guilt trip me – something I could not possibly tolerate. And it was true. My intolerance of guilt made me a wuss that would take any kind of abuse. If only, if only I did not have to be responsible for any discomfort of anybody else. If only I could be a hero. It naturally amused girls to make fun of me, only to see me laugh at myself to praise their wit. Instead of calling the bitches out on it.

I am afraid of the fact that I absolutely can not tolerate seeing a girl I value in the least offended by me. And even my desire could offend a girl. I am afraid what I will do in the attempt to prevent offending her. Afraid that I may not even have the courage to walk away and disobey her if she makes me believe that this will hurt her feelings and that I am acting unjustly. Terribly afraid that I am just a fish waiting for a hook to voluntarily bite into.

Life hurts

But the times when I could not get away from my mother are gone. I live on my own now. I now have the solitude I wanted and desperately needed.

There is no one I see on the regular. If I hurt somebody, no matter how harshly, it is improbable that it will haunt me – unless I let it. It is an irrational fear left over from a time where I could not get away, could do nothing but yield.

I have been running away for half a year now, running away from the faint chance that I may once more feel the existential terror of hurting somebody.

But I see now that there is no way I can run away from it. Time will not heal me. I must go through the fire, go where it hurts. I must not be afraid to feel guilt, because you can not thinkably live a normal life without ever stepping on somebody’s toes. I must learn to hurt.

Because I will hurt people. People will hurt me. Tears will flow, maybe blood. There is no way around it. I must do it and let it happen. I must endure the pulsing sensation of guilt against the insides of my chest, the hot fires of hell.

I must stop being a hero and taking on myself the responsibility to make everybody happy. Because I can not. Because it is not my task. I must stop reenacting over and over what I failed to do as a kid: Finally managing to do everything right and not failing her. I have never managed it and I will never be able to be perfect enough to ward everybody from negative emotions. And If I was, it would not be my job. Why? Because I was viscerally dependent on my mother. But I am not viscerally dependent on the girls and men I will be talking to.

There is no way I can have meaningful relationships with other people if I can not tolerate hurting them the least bit.

Conclusion

Everybody has his problem. The place where it really hurts. His demons. These are mine. They haunt me whenever I am out on the street and they haunt me in my dreams. When I allow myself to feel them, I curl up under the sheets of my bed in terror and wish to believe in god. It is eerie.

No, I am not afraid of rejection. That would be like being afraid of not getting a cake. It is inconsequential and ridiculous. But I am afraid, terribly. In away, from being – or not being able to be – truly myself. And not the myself that feminists, or let me just say idiots, want me to be.

The great thing about knowing and allowing yourself to feel your fear is that it shows you the exact kind of path you have to take to lose it. So far the theory.

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  • Micah Geni

    Very nice piece of work. Quality introspection :)….
    and could that be a reason for handing everything out for free to single-moms.. They know that a guilt driven man, will be a busy bee on behalf of the “company”. Basically at a lower level, because the needed ego to have him climb, lacks.
    Of course they think that sound as a perfect society. It is easier to change the world, then oneself, for so many. They dont even know where they got it from, that illogical reasoning so many use to rationalize or justify for instance a marriage or a job they are totally dying from

    Just wanna warn you for a mistake as I did, when I was confused, egoless and drifting (I am still so, but now it is more because I have come to love the process itself)
    I was mostly seeing and considering only the negative sides of that guilt-conditioning formula. It is actually a win-win, very often not a pure zerosum game, for both oneself and for the “company”. Just do it with less “must do otherwise I shall feel guilty” motives

    • Thanks.

      Funny enough, the wise helpers keep telling me that I am too attached to my ego. Yeah, right! It probably depends on the definition.

      Yeah, if I was the one in power, I would not mind having slaves, either. It would be very tiresome to have to beat and oppress them all the time, though. What a hassle.

      But. Are you saying that I should accept the conditioning and like it? That is reprehensible and disgusting. But I am pondering about it from another perspective: To not see your conditioning as something that was imposed upon you without you being able to choose, but instead as something you chose to be able to tolerate the circumstances in which you found yourself. A defense mechanism.

      In the end, the only difference is the perspective.

      See it from the outside: You conditioned someone into a slave.

      See it from the inside: You learned to obey to avoid pain.

      I think that is one of the things that hold me back. Not accepting this fully. Instead, in my head, I still feel that immense resistance that was there in my earlier life. I kinda see my mother in every woman. So I conclude: Since every woman is such a bitch, most men deal with it by simply ignoring the pain and powering through. Being a hero.

      The ideal: I have to open myself up precisely in order to be abused. A real man does not cry. And since the world is evil, this is the only way to success, anyway.

      So here I am, seeing all women as evil and oppressive, likewise assuming that all emotionally engaged men but me must be hopeless masochists.

      Which – I speculate – is nonsense. Strong men simply do not see the phantoms that I see and choose women who do not abuse them.

      • Micah Geni

        Funny enough, the wise helpers keep telling me that I am too attached to
        my ego. Yeah, right! It probably depends on the definition.
        They see you as they see themselves. Projection I’d guess.

        About

        And why? What happened? It must have been an argument. I must have used logic as domestic violence, possibly.

        … Did you ever try this one:
        http://www.aspergerstestsite.com/75/autism-spectrum-quotient-aq-test/#.VgyW0UQvBhE

        • Asshole. I am not autistic.

          I think.

          I was just using the phrase because somebody on Return Of Kings used it and I found it quite funny. I remember having arguments with my mother where I would want her to change something about her behavior, pointing out that a particular conflict keeps repeating itself. She would shut down and say something like: You can really bring somebody down.

        • Took this one: http://psychcentral.com/cgi-bin/autismquiz.cgi

          Your shit does not load.

          Scored 30.

          0-29 No Autism
          30-33 Possible Autism
          34-infinite Likely Autism

          Borderline, so to speak.

          I think the questions about enjoying social occasions and chit chat gave me quite an autistic boost.

          On the other hand, I hate repetitive activities like the pest. I knew a possibly Aspie girl once. She loved to study the guitar every day for hours. I would go mad. Do not think the symptoms fit me at all.

          • Micah Geni

            Restless and ADD is among the symptoms.

            Take that Baron-Cohen (cousin of Borat) test. He is supposively the world leader on Aspie.

            I “qualified”. How did I know or suspect it ?
            Always felt a bit like odd-one-out. Other kids bored me, unless we did something technically. Those emotional games, just was simply boring. Why pretend a plastic boat is a real boat ? Doesnt faking make sense. Lets play football instead..

            That was typically me. And I would say it out loudly. And the others would look at me with surprise, which I noticed, but I didnt understand why…. So I got restless, and took off, do play some other game. (read a book, or just do something real)

            I do get “emotions”. I just basically find them boring and manipulative and rather pointless. I can tell the difference. So I try to act my best, when I see someone is truly struggling, but I’d rather be somewhere else, if you see what I mean.

            “Your so cold your so this and that”.. Hell knows how many time I have wondered about being a primer psychopath, but it is more a lack of emotional focus than a lack of emotions.

          • I see.

            Well, I actually do enjoy emotional interactions, if they are not too many. The problem is that I feel ashamed of so many basic male emotions that it always seemed just … tiring.

            I did like playing with lego and shit, if that is what you mean. Becoming more rational and shit came later, I think. Partly as an escape. Partly it was just another pretense. You may notice that my older articles sound somewhat more rational, but are more full of bullshit than those I write these days.

            I think I am simply an introvert with a lot of emotional disturbance, as some cute old hag on the internet calls it.

            The intellectualism, for me, is more of a retreat out of necessity, because there is nothing else. There are times when an intellectual endeavour captivates me, but the interest usually wanes. I may even suspect that it is the goal that motivates me. To put up something that works a certain way. Like a website.

          • Micah Geni

            “Asperger” doesnt exist. It is a part of a matrix that can describe some “personality style”. Shouldnt take things very seriously. Not even the gravity is constant, around the universe.

            It isnt like having 1 leg versus having 2 legs. Psychiatry is pretty far away from such countable and easily verifiable measures

          • Micah Geni

            If I had been diagnosed when I should have been, the fucking government would have paid me to study at the universities here. (probably not those days, but they do today)

            But my mother couldnt have a “ill” son you know. Not good for her narcissistic wannabe facade. She prefered to beat the shit (while I was too young and weak to resist ) “emotional stuff” in me. So I had to learn about stuff I couldnt really care less about. I guess that is why most people dont see me as an aspie. (Instead one get accused of being a cold jerk) :) ..

          • Damn, that sentiment hits home. No place for your feelings and problems when momma needs ya.

            Are you an Aspie?

          • Micah Geni

            I scored 33

            But one of my favorite subjects are “humans”. Not as in befriend them, but as in analyze them. (like it is one of your favs too). Say my fav subject was old trains before 1938, I’d probably score a lot higher

          • Please tell me some good Aspie insults to use against you.

          • Micah Geni

            hehe. You got a problem there my “friend” :-)

          • It is called Micah Geni.

            I will call you the helix bug. You remember why?

          • Micah Geni

            nope
            y ?

          • From your recent metaphor about being a little cock – pardon, cog – on god’s double helix.

          • Micah Geni

            Eh. sure that was me ? Doesnt matter. Sounds good anyway.

            It is hard to be an aspie in such an illogical world. Wouldn’t you agree ?

          • Of course it was you. Look here. Maybe it is Alzheimer’s, not Asperger’s. I see how all those As can get confusing for you, my “friend”.

            But you are right, it was not a cog or a bug. It was a microbe. Even better, though.

            I do not find the world illogical at all. Hard to understand, at max. Maybe I am not Aspie enough to share your whining. Pardon that.

          • Micah Geni

            You’ll get there. BBL to see how far you’ve reached.

            Btw: Your blog is an extraordinary openly honestly written. Which doesn’t surprise me, Aspie.

            Later.

          • Tell me, though. If Aspies find emotions difficult to understand, how can an Aspie diagnose somebody else as an Aspie? By not understanding his emotions? Quite a projective endeavour.

          • Micah Geni

            Have you ever considered the possibility that the diagnosticians are quite clueless in many ways. Or that diagnoses are basically a tool to say that someone is different. They make it sound “worse than normal”. On the contrary. Look at Einstein. Nietschze. Plus plus.

            It is probably easier for “them” that way. So they shall not have to face that the fact is rather that they are stupid and boring themselves. :-)

            Think about it . Does make a bit sense, logically

          • Well, Nietzsche was on something of a dry spell, too. If I am an Aspie, I need to be an Aspie with game.

            Logic can not exist independently of emotion. If you did not enjoy intellect and instead emotions, you would find your current self boring, too.

          • Micah Geni

            But isnt it ?

            I have no self. I observe and analyse. If there is no stimulus, I must use “Si” introverted sensing, to dig up something from memory.

          • I think that people are quite funny and helpless at their best moments. Look at Bohr’s model of an atom. Why the hell would an atom look like a planetary system? It is not logical at all. Or Kepler’s sacred geometry. And all kinds of other obscure theories based on analogies. Why would it be different in psychology?

            But it is not necessarily a bad thing. Science works by proposing and then proving / disproving. Quite cool. In the end, you arrive at the best model. Even if – in my eyes – it may be the smartest to open up and put analogies aside. If that is possible at all, since we are so intrinsically wired to search for patterns.

            You have no self? Then I am arguing with a ghost or what?

          • Micah Geni

            Yes I agree with the above.

            “I have no constant self”, would be better. Who are you ? You know. Am I memories, or process as in INTP. It is a silly question to ask someone. I guess my answer what be that I enjoy sports, sex and analytical stuff. (“Few interests”).. Kind of aspie. Like this conversation. Non-aspies would be gone..

            Did you see Icke and his show from Wembley ? Awaken he calls it. Very good symbolic use in it. Not to be taken totally literally.

          • I have a new view about self. Self is identity. And as a programmer, I wonder about the simplest way to uniquely identify an object. In a computer program, it is a number. Fair enough. But in real life, you identify other people by traits – looks, hobbies, personality, ideas, interests, et cetera.

            So that is intuitively where you start to set yourself apart.

            But it is nonsense. There is one thing that is and always will be unique about you: Your consciousness resides inside your body. You see from inside yourself while you see all others from the outside.

            It is, for me, a divine proof of the moral correctness of selfishness.

            Icke is a madman. He claims to be the son of god and claims the world is run by shape-shifting reptiles.

          • Micah Geni

            Your basically qouting Icke. So that makes you too a madman. And count me in. I agree with both of you.

            Shape shifting reptiles are just another word/term for psychopaths. Psychopaths are supposively using our old part of the brain, primarily. The amygdala and hippocampus stuff. The “instinct” are. Researchers claims that this part is a left over from the reptilian phase of mankind. Hence Icke call them “shapeshifting reptilians”. It is glib and superficial sociopaths he actually talks about.
            (Aspies take that shit too literally :). And so did I, before i started to plunder about what he really was saying )

            Enjoy ! (the matrix our perceptions creates with help and influence from reptile media)

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N7XGvFuOiB4

          • If that is what he means, I think it is vastly incorrect. The reptilian brain is very emotional. If anything psychopaths are the opposite. In the end, it is us who find them frightening, because we are more attached to the reptilian brain. Think of it, Zhawq describes shallow affect, quick loss in interest, sensation seeking. If there was a strong connection with the amygdala, he would not need these extremes.

            I sometimes wish I was a psychopath. But then, if I was, I would not enjoy the things I could do in the intensity I could enjoy them not being a psychopath.

            Fuck your Aspierations in making me Aspie.

          • Micah Geni

            I cannot remember which part was the old one. But the old part of the brain. (let me call it hippocampus then), is also called the reptile part of the brain, within science. The me, me, me part of the brain.

          • Reptilian brain is correct. The higher cognitive functions are quite new.

            But I think that a psychopath’s egotism is more about curiosity than about obsession with the self. For instance, hurting or raping other people would seriously hurt someone who can feel guilt, too. So it would not really be a selfish action. A psychopath, on the other hand, is simply curious.

          • Micah Geni

            A psychopath is basically an aspie without guilt, and who thinks very little about the anti-social consequenses of his or her behavior. Which makes the person anti-social, which again annoys the government, and scares the people. So they have a label that practically spells “outcast. persona non grata”. The person could do exactly the same shit, but for the governemnt, instead of in opposition. He’d get the label “a veteran” or “a hero”.

          • Sounds good.

            I fantasize about a lot of things that you could call psychopathic. Rape, torture, sadism, power, manipulation. I hate to be on the receiving side, but I find the notion fascinating to control others. Then again, it is more of daydreaming really, because I am not sure whether I can ever develop my personality to the point of being able to execute that.

            Yeah. A hero.

            I do think that society can greatly profit from psychopaths. Their low intensity of emotions makes them – in a sense – perfect people for some jobs no one else wants to do. Their lack of guilt makes them perfect administrators and leaders. Able to make important decisions others would crumble under. Not that that makes them more likable to the normal folk, but I could accept that as a sort of necessity. Give me a good psychopathic king over democracy.

          • Micah Geni

            The power trait and desire is actually rather different.

            But most of the so called defining traits, are basically trees that clouds the perception in such a way, that it does become hard to see the forest. Which again, is the essence of the preachings of Icke.

            They create justification, mostly due to legislation, to grant the person a label of basically just behaving as a cold-blooded selfish dickheadish way.. (The law doesnt fancy my version of the diagnose)

            And long list is made, to “allow” someone to be called a selfish and dangerous motherfucka

            And we waste time wondering whether a person is this type of motherfucka or that type of motherfucka. It is kind of silly

          • I do not understand.

          • The more I look at Icke, the more I think he is a psychopath himself. But he is very fat, so he may be a narcissist instead.

            Look how he shows his sheep folk all the quotes about individualism and follows them up with shallow explanations. He is totally black and white.

            This is not about Icke. It is about Icke’s followers. They stand down there, looking up, believing they look through the system, through the program. Nope, they are just following another guru.

          • Micah Geni

            He still has a point. Even science starts to agree with him.

            “The world may be a computer simulation”, scientists say these days.

            It, the Icke show, is basically about focusing on more important things in life, than what we are taught to focus on. He calls it “love”. Which again is just a metaphore about stop staring constatnly at your own mirror, at a tree, because it will make on incapacitated. Cannot see the forest. “Bubble people”. The bubble “programmed” these days, in the West, is “me, me, me”. The world give a fuck about “me”. Couldnt care less. Some may care a lot but “the world” in general..

          • You disappoint me. You flock to what ‘scientists’ say. Well, look at their arguments. Dude, it is just another idiotic analogy. We created computers that make something that resembles reality. That we call a simulation. And by analogy we conclude that this world may be a simulation. It just means nothing, nada. I heard the arguments. The proposed proof: If we can manage to simulate a believable universe, we can assume that this one can be a simulation.

            Well, I think Icke may do a good job to provide a little light in the darkness on sad days. But frankly, he provides zero information. Watch a good documentary, that will lift your senses far higher. All he does is mumble profound sounding nonsense like ‘Information decoding information’. And since it somehow makes sense, people think Whoa, I understand the Master!

            He is not even original. How fucking old is the Matrix movie?

            If he was a good man, he would not tell people about how they are being fooled. He would teach people reason and people would find their own way. He just wants to be a shepard.

          • Micah Geni

            He is not even original. How fucking old is the Matrix movie?

            And what did you learn from it ? Notning is new is it ? Most thoughts have been though already, somewhere

            Icke is not about “the world”, it is about “the individual”. Slavoj Zizek, respected philosopher, say a lot of the same. They both suggest a sort of “communitarianism”. In a way they are very “green” both of them. I just guess Icke earns a lot more. His symbolic use, is pretty creative.

            We have been drugged and bribed to belive that egocentrism, narcissism is “meaning of life”. Who earns from that ? The plastic surgeon or one who pays. Or the one who pays to look at his gf new boobs. Is that happiness ? etc.. Those type of questions.

            Pretty related to your blog and self-definiton. But one must read in-between and interpret/relate it to everyday life. It is a kind of buddhism. “The way of Zen”. An old book now. Icke is basically a new and more fancy layout of an ancient idea

          • Well, maybe.

            Maybe Icke is to philosophy what David Garrett is to classical music: an abomination that nonetheless succeeds in attracting the curiosity of the masses.

            I am not green at all. I think it is too black and white.

            Are new boobs happiness? No. But I guess that is where the problem lies. The problem lies in those who seek happiness in boobs. The problem does not lie in boobs. Boobs are nice to look at and play with. But if you make them the meaning of your life, you are bound to be disappointed.

            So it is less of a criticism of the system than of an OCD personality, perhaps.

            On the other hand, I too am having some doubts about consumerism again, these days. I guess the truth lies somewhere in-between and each man has to decide what matters to him.

          • Micah Geni

            You jump to conlusions.

            There are different ways to be green. For instance my way. “I consume very little because it gives me shit nothing to own or to drive a car, to overeat and lot of other lifestyle shit”. So as a side-effect, I am actually a very “green” person

          • I jump to conclusions. At least I do the jump myself and do not hijack Icke’s spring boots like yours sincerely.

            Yes, being green as a side-effect of a happy life is quite acceptable.

          • Micah Geni

            I reached the same as Icke, before I watched him. Independently. Other have done it too. Probably thousand of years back as well.
            He does have a better way to preach the same “shit”, that I do in other places. That so many other do in their own type of way. Im talking about the esssence of it here. Not each and every conceptual accusation and claim he makes about this and that.

            The collective uncionsciousness. One must wonder if Jung was onto something, with his concept.

          • Collective indicates that it exists independently of each individual, which I find hard to believe. It is still fascinating, though. For example, why do I feel angelic when I am in a church and the little girls voices singsang some Jesus songs? I mean, I can protest against the way it manipulates me, but I can not deny that it does move me. Weird.

          • Micah Geni

            You may like Zizek. It isnt psychology on an individual level, but it is a group level psychology + economics. You may be unfamiliar with the economics part and names he refers to. I dont know.

            A short one
            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hpAMbpQ8J7g

          • Not interested right now.

          • Micah Geni

            yeah i know. I have to start a job ihave to do today, that I really dont wanna start. You probably have a clue. Mentioned in an email. Be around another day

          • Not sure what you mean. Jolly working, then. Aspie microbe.

          • I just fucking hate these hands drawing shit. It was fun the first time, and now everybody just copies it. See? There is your matrix.

          • Micah Geni

            You’re not awaken, as Icke would have said :p.. Sounds serious..

            The road to “satisfaction” in life, goes outward, I suspect. By less ego instead of more. Because it is never enough, as the Cure song goes.

          • Whatever.

          • Micah Geni

            Good article today ! Well written and introspected. Thanks

          • Hey man. Seems like you went on a comment killing spree. What the fuck?

          • Micah Geni

            Aspie talk. Interesting ?

          • I do not like the fact that you leave all my comments stand there on their own. If you are going to have a conversation with me on this site, let the comments stay. Unless it is a matter of death and shame, naturally.

            If you do not want it public, send a mail.

          • Actually, I think that the archetypes are just manifestations of a child’s simplifying mind. Splitting. I do not hold them in that extreme forms anymore, really. I do not see the old wise man so much as I see an old dude who has some good ideas. But I would agree that it requires conscious effort, at least in the beginning.

          • I wonder whether I would be interested about people at all if I was getting enough pussy.

          • Micah Geni

            You wouldn’t ! :)

        • Regarding the ego, I think the correct interpretation of those who know their shit would be: My ego of being a great helper and savior of women and a nice guy. My ego of being perfect and suited for a woman’s love.

          Not the type of ego that is interested in selfishness and free expression and conflict.

          • Micah Geni

            I know

            You’re egoless.

            Your ego is not about you. It should be. But not to the psychopathic extreme

            Yours is on the co-dependent side. Or was (sounds technical)

            This blog and your writings, is actually a lot about you finding you (yourself and what your ego is)
            Or ?

          • Why not?

          • Micah Geni

            Sure. I agree. Keep digging.

            You’ll get there, Aspie ! :)

          • Go fuck yourself. Deeply. With a long pole with a Scandinavian flag.

          • You edited your comment. It is annoying.

            Yes, I think it is. At least that is what it has become. I think I started out trying to look cool, believing in some kind of super persona that is just waiting under the surface to jump out at any moment.

            Reminds me of the most intelligent woman on earth who twittered: I would be a great life coach. I always give great advice to people, but my own life is in shambles because I never live by it myself.

            No. The truth is: You are not following your advice, because your advice is bullshit.

  • Oliver Maerk

    A very deep Investigation of what’s going on inside of your mind. Most people don’t care so much about introspection and just go on doing what they are used to do – no matter what.
    from http://freedompowerandwealth.com

    • I am no different. The only reason I care is that it is becoming unbearable.

      As said, please only post a link to your site if it is relevant to the post or your comment. I removed the link.

  • Tom,

    You are exactly where you need to be, tomorrow you can be more. I know that sounds cliche’, but I have been there. I kept fighting and made it through to the other side. Think about this like deadlifting. Simple motion, but in order to get a admirable weight, you have to get in there every week. Up, down, up, down. You increase the weight little by little until one day you get up 500. It is a struggle, and it will never stop being a struggle, but it gets easier.

    You are right, time will not heal this. But repetition will make you better at it.

    Andrew

  • Pingback: Dark realism: thoughts from the American Single Mother Societies progeny. | pop~agenda~culture()

  • Raven

    …You HAVE transgressed a limit. You are literally asking people who aren’t even your girlfriend, let alone being in love with you, to have sex with you. Even worse then that you literally use the word “fuck” while doing so. This weird thing about “girls rejection” is a thing with many metay problematic people, but in your case sounds like it can be solved very, very easily by simply being a normal decent human being on this matter, instead of talking to random people you don’t know to have sex with them. In one place you even write “My intent was “merely” to make her twat wet.”. …How the fuck is that “merely”? You not only are calling her a “twat”, which isn’t the worst insult when used normally but in this case it’s being used to refer to her vagina instead of her brain so there isn’t any worse or more hostile insult that’s even possible, well at the same time quite literally saying that your “intent is to make her wet” – which makes absolutely no sense, because whether a girl is “wet” as nothing to do with whether she is horny, but also you are LITERALLY APPROACHING A FEMALE WIRH THE WORST POSSIBLE INTENTIONS ANYONE COULD HAVE THAT ARE LEGAL IF THEY ARENT A COP! You really think anyone is ever going to be “nice” to you when you are literally trying to have sex with them?! Of course not, no one will ever be nice to such a perverted person! And if they do they are rare and are probably equally disturbing people. Then they look at the “girlfriends” they were “out for drinks” with being normies and such, and laugh at you once you have left. If you don’t want some girl to be mean to you or look at you with disgust then obviously do not try to have sex with them! (And you won’t “be rejected” either.)

    • Oh, great we have that clarified. You had me almost convinced you were somewhat sane. My fault. Fuck off.