A place for a


Why I hate my mother

For a long time, I had wondered about the difference between me and more confident boys and now men. From somewhere, maybe it was intuition, I had the feeling that I could be just like them if I – how to say – find a way to let go and be myself.

But there is no letting go. There is a past of adventure, conflict and childhood struggle that shaped them. There were tests of fire that burned away their fears and insecurities. They had fathers that hardened them and friends and enemies who fought them. Men who guided them early through stages of life in which I am stuck. And it was the time that did it.

What can I do today? I can learn to imitate. I can walk straight, hold eye contact, bump into people in the streets so that everybody fears me. That feels good. But it is mechanic, there is no play to it. I can grin at another man and it will look like we have something in common. But while he thinks back of times of raising hell, it is an empty gesture for me, there to be exposed for the lie it is.

My single mother failed me

Back when I was younger, I did not understand. I did not see the time and experiences with their fathers that had shaped the other boys. I just assumed there was something wrong with me. Assumed that the violence in me was there because I was wrong, if that means anything. Assumed that this ‘wrong’ is something I can repress and be just like others to fit in. But of course, that is a mistake.

Why am I the way I am? I was brought up by a single mother.

My mother is guilty of a simple thing: Gross incompetence bringing up a boy. She just fucking can not do it. She was totally and miserably overwhelmed with the task. Can I respect her for trying anyway? No, I despise her for her stupidity.

For fuck’s sake, my mother considered me a little cute thing. Her chance to make the world better by not making me into another one of those men. She wanted me all for herself, as a nice thing to have, an object with which to prove the superiority of her fucking love. As a thing to make her happy, like a dog. Look, how cute.

Her answer to any kind of problem? Love, love, fucking damned love! Fuck your love.

She was overwhelmed by my aggressions and had not the slightest clue what was going on in my mind. She just could not understand. And how could she? She is a fucking bitch! There is no way she can understand it, because she never was a boy.

There was no one for me to talk and no one to guide me.

I often despised my mother for not being stronger, because I felt the need for a strong hand. This eventually led me to like the idea of feminism. Why, teach women to be fucking strong, so that they are not like my momma. Little did I understand that this was the job of a father.

I could attempt to list the many ways she failed to be what I would have needed her to be, but I only need to look at the person I have become. Lazy, reclusive, aggressive, socially incompetent. But most of all, having all those unfulfilled needs in myself, the needs of a child. For adventure, for danger, for pain and fights that would have shaped me. I see myself in the mirror and know that I am an incomplete man. And there is no way I can catch up. No one will be a father to me today. I am just a big child that annoys everybody, because everybody left this stuff behind long ago.

  • My mother could not handle loneliness and was on psych meds most of my life. A few times she was in the nuthouse. I saw her fall all over herself while watching the pope in television when some quacks Jesusly healed her. She was, truly, a completely different person in that moment. As if somebody had exchanged her. I called the nuthouse people on her and in her delirium had to promise her to go into treatment for my ‘computer addiction’, too, so that she would fucking leave.
  • In her madness, she took a artificial beautiful skull I owned, ran away with it and threw it out of the window because she saw the devil in it. In that moment, she was nothing more than an animal to me and I was at the same time terrified and full of hatred towards her. For some reason, I never got around to beat her for it. I felt powerless and paralyzed despite being a grown man.Naturally, I inherited her madness somehow. Like mother, like son, eh. But I will get out of it.
  • Despite me asking a few times, she never told me what exactly was wrong with her. What she was diagnosed with. Momma and granny just said it was a psychosis. Great, but Google says that this is too vague. I felt ashamed of even asking or confronting her, because clear words were something that was hurtful. Of course.
  • My mother taught me that men hurt women by not being there for them. How the hell was that something I was supposed to ponder about when I was young. Anyway, I decided I would be better.
  • The only answer my mother had to anything was her love and caressing and food and giving me stuff. She would drown all my pains with these things, no matter whether it was the thing I needed.
  • When I started to masturbate at an early age, it made my mother uncomfortable.
  • When my mother and me had arguments, I would insist that there was some underlying issue and keep bugging her with it. She would break down and cry and beg me to stop, calling me cruel. My pent up anger would watch in disbelief how I would apologize to her, maimed by guilt.
  • Eventually, my mother could not handle me and sent me away to a staterun facility for 5 years, where I lived together with underperforming and mentally damaged kids.
  • I had my own room and begged for privacy several times. I begged her not to clean my room so that I would learn it. I begged her not to make me any meals or tea, nothing. To just leave me alone.
  • Most of the time when I lived at home, I just wanted to get away from the coddling. I begged my mother not to clean my room, not to ask me if I want tea, not to come into my room uninvited, often while I was fapping. It could happen quickly, you know, I was always stressed and had my ears open during it; it would take her just about five steps from her room to mine if she decided to want to “talk to me”. In hindsight, it was terror. Like being a slave to her mothering.
  • I begged her to at least knock several times, but she would forget, because that was too fucking hard to remember, right. Fucking passive aggressive bitch.
  • I would rage and yell at her and slam the door shut so violently that my arm would hurt. And it would help nothing. The stupid bitch was like an automaton: Running away from the conflict she caused and once it subsided, do the same fucking thing the argument was about in the first place.
  • Then she would go havoc crying and shut down when I had a logical argument with her. Come think of it, it reminds me of the techniques to finish off narcissists.
  • Having to justify myself whenever I was away for a longer time. If I did not tell her, she would go cold on me and cry how she was worried. Sheer guilt prohibited me from doing that.
  • When we were on a long car trip, she would drink so much that we would need to stop for long pauses of her taking a piss. I told her to not drink so much, but she would always have some stupid reason, like health. Right.
  • I liked to take baths late at night. She would, of course, need to go to the toilet. That was her fucking thing, going to the toilet. Since she could not go in, she would either somehow open the door and shit/piss in front of me or, maybe even worse, piss into some kitchen accesoires. It sends a chill down my spine even now to think of it. I told her I found it disgusting and she acted as if I was imagining it. Then I eventually got her to admit it and she said she would not do it again. Next time I would notice how she would go to the kitchen, but I would no longer hear the pissing, only her taking the cans and going away with them, pretending to just drink a glass of water. Thinking of it feels a bit like being raped. I mean, being forced to eat from something somebody else pissed into. Your fat ugly mother, for fucks sake.
  • She seemed to seek for excuses to take a sleep in my bed when I was not at home or on other occasions. Often, the supposed reason was that the Turkish kids were too loud on the side of the house adjacent to her room. Despite me guiltily expressing my severe disgust many times, she kept doing this with just her panties on. And when I would then want to take a nap myself, the bed would be pre-warmed by her. Almost made me want to puke. She did not fail to ever tell me how insensitive I was for hating it. Because she was ill and shit. That was her excuse for everything.
  • She refused to wear trousers in the flat, often running around with her panties. At night, she would run around without concealing her big ugly breasts, always forcing and expecting me to look away when she passed the door. For fucks sake, as if I was eager to see that. Wear a damn shirt, bitch. There is something threatening in the thought of my mother’s sexuality. I think that you are not meant to contemplate that as a boy. And still, it kinda taught me that I am very evil if I look at a woman’s breasts. How fucked up is that?
  • When the stupid state-owned housing bitches called us to their office and wanted to make me fold and apologize for climbing out of the window as a shortcut – that was fun – she took their side. Fucking scared bitch betrayed me for other fucking bitches with authority. On the way home, she did not speak a word with me. But I had even told them that I would not do it again. But I had said it confidently and with a smile on my face. They wanted to see me cower, these pedagogic hags. They wanted me to submit and lick their feet more than they wanted me to obey their rules. They said I was arrogant, despite me actually granting them their wish. They painted me like a fucking rapist or convict for climbing out of a fucking window of their ugly people-silo. And my mother agreed with them. If there is any proof for me for that women do not want the best for men, not even their sons, it is this. They see in men nothing but little slaves to be domesticated. They despise and terribly fear male confidence and will do anything to annihilate it.
  • Once I was on the top of our big house with a friend. We played with softairs, dressed up as military units. The police came with a special commando unit, but we had done nothing wrong. The worst thing about it was my mother standing in the staircase staring at me shamefully. Repeat: I broke no law. But my mother scolded me for this endlessly. I wanted to take it with humor, but she looked at me like the devil. Without asking further questions, she voluntarily let the cops search my room, leading to a broken cupboard and a lost 1-inch butterfly knife and some hood ornaments of cars. These were the only things I was charged with. Funny note: My friend was there with a long diver’s knife; the police did not mind it the least. Fucking sheep. My mother could have refused to let the cops in. In hindsight, I find it ridiculous that she acts like she wants only my best. When it became tough, she was never on my side. I somehow forgot these things with time.
  • She bothered me with her stupid happiness books. To fix me. I asked her if she was qualified to fix me. I asked her if reading the books had made her happy. She had no answer to that.
  • There was one moment I recall in which I opened myself up to let her take me in her arms, as I felt down. Somehow, I ended up holding her in my arms. It was disgusting. Her caretaking of me was just a pretense; it was really me who had to take care of her. When a woman offers kindness to me nowadays, my first impulse is repulsion. I feel that it is only a trick; a gesture to lure me in and drain my life energy, ridicule me or otherwise betray me.
  • I could not beat her or do anything about my anger because she could have sent me away to some state facility again.
  • She rejected me for what I was.

And they keep saying what is wrong with you? Yeah, indeed, why are you so angry? Why all the hatred? Oh, the world would be better if not for angry people like you.

And like a fool and a female slave, I tried to eradicate the hate, dissociate from it, and kept wondering what was wrong with me. Why did I have to hurt everybody with my uncomfortable feelings? Why could I not simply be good?

Turns out, nothing is wrong with me. How can I fucking feel guilty for those emotions? Did I choose to have them so that I can feel angry at everybody, is that what it is? Am I thus responsible? Yeah, I mean, in a sense I am responsible for wanting to have them. For wanting to be one with myself. Oh, the guilt. Could I not eradicate that wish? Oh, but I tried so often.

These motherfuckers are thinking I’m playing
Thinking I’m saying the shit cause I’m thinking it just to be saying it

Kill you, Eminem

Right. Go on and live in your little bubble of delusions, if you will not listen to your own soul crying out in despair.

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  • Micah Geni

    Hey. Found your mail. Sent a reply, or two (no edit function :) )

    a) Hatred doesn’t exist in a world of indifference..
    So naturally you do care a little

    b) The psychopathic grid is not to be taken seriously. It is to be pretended to be taken seriously.

    Don’t take it seriously, as in personally. It is what it is. Emotional blackmailing, mostly. Behaving neutrally on the inside, can often be viable “escape”.

    People with 2 parents, also get 2 opinions. They learn early on to see alternative views on the same “problem”. Single-moms know unconsciously they are the only basket their only child can keep their eggs in. Fucking natural born macchiavellians. Women even enhance it, as a “good female trait”. For us with siblings, it was different. That does help. Quite a lot on some occasion, worse on other. But we do get to hear several opinions. We do get away now and then, from the gaslighting and scapegoating.

  • Micah Geni

    Assumed that this ‘wrong’ is something I can repress and be just like others to fit in. But of course, that is a mistake.

    Just trying to establish yourself. To get your own view of and on the world. Not that of your mother. Keep on looking.

    Yes those others may seem as they are stable. They have basically bought into an illusion and learned how to avoid destabilizing situations and people. They are fragile, when confronted, and if not, they are deniable and brainwashed most often. Or they may have found their “paradise”, at least until the next time..

    “take away the someone lie of their life (their illusion), you will also take away their meaning of their life”.. So people “fight” to keep it. The avoid “negative people” or whatever they call others.

    Keep looking. You’ll find it more and more. Dont rush. It may take some time, may not. It may last, you may change, adapt and such. The point of life, as I see it, is the process. Their is no goal, but the process itself. So people who have found it, who know it, often appears “dead” to me. Zombies. Some are productive though. My label for those, are Maquinas

    Your mother is a fkin narc. No doubt. Most women are, but you’re mom is borderline-narc, almost neurotic to the point of schzophrenic light.. But she wasn’t violent though. 1 good thing. Of course you feel “shame” or “guilt”. She has made you co-dependent. As she probably was made herself, as a child. She simply cannot look at herself in the mirror, and as most narcs, she prefer to fix you. ( I was tempted to write psychiatrist/psychologist..). I know that no-boundaries shit. Typical narc-technique to make a person ego-less. With less ego, they often more easily turn co-dependent.

    Despite all that shit. Treat her for what she is. a 5 year old girl, mentally speaking. “Me Want ! Me Dominate ! Me me me”.
    She is probably not even capable of having a clue of how far out she is. Dont have to treat her badly, but dont take it seriously either. When you feel enough is enough, leave. Tell her you’ll call or something. She knocks at your door, dont let her in. Pay her a visit instead. Every now and then. Say… once per month, and then less ? Not to help her really, but to help you uncondition your conditioned “guilt” for not being “nice” to her.

    Why visit her instead ? Just so that you have the opportunity to say goodbye when you feel you’ve reach your dose of tolerance.

    • I already told her goodbye six months ago. She did not come again thereafter.

      • Micah Geni

        Sounds familiar. She beat you till you had enough. Resisted ? Learned that violence is actually a well working option ?

        The real shame, is that court-system encourage single-moms. Despite its faults, the human, in the normal animal trait of motherly instinct , has been a well known fact within psychology for decades. The governors know better, they just dont practise it. Makes you wonder..

        • I really do not know. But I know that for some reason, I am afraid of beating her. And girls in general. It is irrational. They are weak and defenseless. And yet some indistinct fear creeps up in my mind. Maybe it is from having been beaten when I was young, I do not know. Once, I remember, I resisted and hit my granny in the face with my feet. Must have been like 7 years old? Do not know. Momma and granny probably remembered being beaten by their daddies, too, so they figured it is the way to make you obey. Hm, interesting.

          Despite its faults, the human, in the normal animal trait of motherly instinct , has been a well known fact within psychology for decades

          What do you mean? Sometimes your writing is very hard to understand. And what the hell is a well-known fact? Something like democracy? Human rights?

          I read a leftist article about a law that is supposed to use quotas in decisions of who gets the child. To ‘make it fair’. Right, if 50% of all boys grow up with their dads, that is quite the solace for the other 50% who have to spend their days with a bitch.

          Do these people think? It is just fucking numbers to them. And if the numbers say 50:50, it is fair. What does that even mean?

          In democracy, it is all about compromise. The perfect solution is the one in the middle. Fuck that. Life is a fight, not a compromise. A woman does not choose to marry two husbands as a compromise, either, does she? Let us face it, this is war. Women vs. Men. And if men do not fight with equal conviction, it will be lost before soon.

          The female author found it charming, because then, the girls can go to work! Girl power, yeeha! Charming, just what bitches like. Charming = Not Dangerous. Domesticated Masculinity.

          • Micah Geni

            Sorry about that, and my writing.

            Well known fact for decades in psychological research:
            Most animals show a strong and natural caretaking instincts within their female gender. Humans seems to be the exception. Their research reveals a lot of diversity within the female gender of our race/animal-type.

            So why dont “they” care ? The magisters, the politicans.
            Of course, they may have been lucky themselves. making facts hard to believe, but I believe there is a hidden agenda.

            Mothers shame and dominate and occasionally spoil their children to such a level, that the child does become mentally confused. Right isnt always right and wrong isnt always wrong. It depends on the mood of their mother. So a well adapted child, will not be the logical child, but the emotional smart child. The sociopath. The one who knows how to read other people and how to play them.

            Look at our culture. It is sociopathic. A sociopath will not challenge the running system, but instead try to assimilate with it, to get personal benefits. A pure ideologist would be a prolematic different nature for the ruling system. Even non-violent ones, as Gandhi.

            In addition, husband have more room to produce goods and services for their “owners”. The employers. The state. Men are more productive than women in general. That feminism shit, is just nonsense and bullshit. Women in general, are lazy as fuck. Actually they prefer a fuck, to earn their money. It is called marriage.

            If they divorce, women will get the rights. 1 person is needed for the child. Although the state does provide most of the caretaking. For the benefit of the state, they choose the less productive parent, to become the #1 caretaker. In addition the ex-husband/father will have to provide for both her and the child. That makes him a controlled and decently behaving and productive slave. Often by free-will, just to be able to have some minor influence on his child (dont blame your father. I would have done as my father did, given this shit system and same lunatic for an ex-wife).

            Just business !

          • Micah Geni

            Just look at your own leaders.

            Merkel ? Childless self-serving female. A high-functioning sociopath ? (She isnt the worse type though. But she is very calculating. If her intentions were more honest, I might even like her)

            Same shit here. 2 of 5 women, that I now can think of, in our government, are childless and loveless (no boyfriends, officially). Cat ladies. Close to ending up as bag-ladies, but instead chose politics.

            And those are supposed to be interested in “family policies” and those stuff ? They can pretend they are…

            Failed females, brainwashed by feminism, which just happened to be a perfect excuse and rationalization for their failures in love-matters or maybe some sexual traumas from childhood that they never sorted out. “Strong independent lady prioritizing my career”.. yadda yadda.. Never had 1 independent thought their whole life. Just a perfect computer program. So good it even believe itself to not be a program..

            Neh.. spookie hilarious.. Weird World

            If they dont care enough about other people, in general, to be interested in a husband and a family, then how da fak can they care enough about a nation to govern it for the nation’s inhabitants best interests…. ? beats me..

          • Nice.

            Failed females, brainwashed by feminism, which just happened to be a perfect excuse and rationalization for their failures in love-matters or maybe some sexual traumas from childhood that they never sorted out. “Strong independent lady prioritizing my career”.. yadda yadda.. Never had 1 independent thought their whole life. Just a perfect computer program. So good it even believe itself to not be a program..

            Fucking A.

            Although, regarding original thought, I think this is a dramatic mistake. To demonstrate my idea, a little fantasy story:

            Mother brings up kid. Mother tells kid that the kid can do it all by himself. That he must only ever listen to his own thoughts. Be original. Special.

            But guess what. Guess where your own thoughts come from. Exactly. They are just what you hear where you grow up.

            So you grow up and are proud of knowing it all better, being special. But in reality, you are just holding on to the thoughts that keep you a slave. You just close yourself up to the thoughts that may really help.

            So the mother adoring the intelligence of a child who figures it out all on his own? Is a mother who wants to encourage him to keep thinking in the same streamlined direction.

            The more I think of it, the more I feel betrayed. I was always good at this shit. They always told me I was an intelligent child. But nowadays I do not feel so smart at all. I was good at finding and somehow replicating the speach patterns that impress people, but frankly, it almost never made any real sense to me. The sense, for me, the satisfaction of intellectual success, was in creating a convincing structure of information, a persuading syntax. And in real life likewise. I cared less about what I was saying then about whether people thought it was right and whether I said it confidently enough.

            Now I learn that this bullshit all does not matter. That any meaningful intelligence comes not from words and appearance, but from looking at things and making your own deductions, and then putting them into words.

          • Micah Geni

            The more I think of it, the more I feel betrayed. I was always good at
            this shit. They always told me I was an intelligent child. But nowadays I
            do not feel so smart at all

            It is just a phase. The awakening. Tuff though. You’ll come out of it stronger. Because, despite all, bullshit isnt all that matters. It is just important for the sheep. The flock of bleeps.

            Said it before, the world does need creativity and intelligence. It just had to be a little extra-ordinary. Not that Dunning-Kruger type of “I am the smartest person ever”.

          • I do not know. This talk about creativity and intelligence confuses me these days. It is like just another status symbol. Fuck it. I am just me.

          • Micah Geni

            It is unwanted when things go smoothly, as for instance the Old World Order and economy.
            Now the climate and globe is in desperate need for innovation. They may even be tempted to stop drugging the schizos, to free up some fresh ideas..
            You can measure the “zeitgeist” in magasines such as psychologytoday.com Also in big media. They hail new ideas. They even dare to speak out loud about changes in elementary school. Introduce more IQ-focused classes (I live in a semi-commu country, not USA)

          • Micah Geni

            There is also a dad in this. Did he fight for seeing you ? Or did he just leave ? Think about that too.

          • He left. But my mother made the choice to not go with him, feeling herself obliged to her own mother. Maybe that would have been a chance for her to break free.

            I read an article about a girl whose baby was taken away directly after birth. She wrote that for 23 years, her body dissociated from everything that made her a woman, to avoid feeling the horrible trauma of not being able to finish the birth emotionally. She even forgot about it. Later, when she met her kid, it all came back. Before that, she just worked to distract herself. Stopped caring about being beautiful. Etc.

            I think that there is some serious hurt in some women, making them do all kinds of stuff they do not really want to do, just for the imagined approval they will get. Or simply as a drug.

          • Got any sources for that research?

            I do not believe in a hidden agenda. I just believe that humanity has blindly navigated itself here and just does not know what to do about it. Just like the cells of a body condemn it to die, the mass of people of a big civilization guarantee its downfall. But yeah, I am being abstract myself.

            Wonder whether I would qualify as a sociopath. Then again, I do not really care about these labels. Idealism and morals make no sense to me. There is just the interest of the leader; it can be one that is beneficial or less beneficial for the sheep.

            I am lazy as fuck, too. Just a few moments ago, I noticed that I kinda do love this life. Sitting around, being angry, occasionally get into some conflict, lying around. Everything else seems so unrewarding. But then, that is just my organism being conditioned and used to this life.

            For the benefit of the state, they choose the less productive parent, to become the #1 caretaker.

            That does not make sense. Why would the state want the less productive parent to educate those who must provide for it later?

          • Micah Geni

            It is true. Pronounced in psychology textbooks for all students. Mentioned, by duty, in a bi-sentence at the end of the discussion.

            Maybe that have edited it out the last decades. Find some old college book, and you shall find it. 20-50 years back in time.

            This dude had it:

            You’re blindly naive if you dont believe in hidden agendas. Just have a quick look at the Volkswagen and every fucking boardroom around the world. There are many smart people running the world. They are even as smart as I am :D. Hell, I would probably have reached a similar plan, if I was that self-serving to be bothered to try to reach those positions, they have climbed up to.

          • Have you seen Hannibal, the series?

            I feel like you are being my little Hannibal. Whispering. Encouraging my madness.

            It is fun.

          • Micah Geni

            Funny, though I dont see the madness in it. I do tend to emphazise my points, by exaggerating slightly.

            Where I see necessitiy and well planned administration, you see “natural development”. “The world” is probably a mix of both.

            Where you may see money, I see a number-religion. Money has no intrinsic value. It is a faith-based system. Like Islam, and other “ideologies”. And when a few families owns almost all the money supply of the globe, I do see “administration” as Normal.

          • I am tripping, so the craziness may be in me. Just passed some people on the street and must have had some psycho gaze. They walked by and said ‘he is mad’. Why does this hurt me so much?

          • Micah Geni

            They did ?

            For the moment, let it go and enjoy your trip, literally speaking

          • Yeah, I use to stare at everybody. I feel my eyes are pretty wide open today, though.

          • Micah Geni

            Ah.. That explains the “he is mad”.

            You have control on that shit ? If not leave it.

          • I think it was the acid. Makes me very aware and unashamed of my feelings and my curiosity. I think there is truth to what Zhawq said, that everybody would be staring if they were not afraid.

            I do not care to control it, frankly. Prefer to get accustomed to the reactions.

          • Micah Geni

            There is a difference between beging admittingly self-consciously lazy and being a self-proclaimed “martyr” of some silly cause or “parenting” or what a fak

          • Well, I am sort of a martyr. Martyr of the mother-haters.

          • Micah Geni

            hehe, with a creative tone though :9

          • Fuck you.

          • Micah Geni

            IQ isnt needed in most jobs. It is actually “dangerous”. It can create dissatisfied workers. Robots function better. Makes it smoother.
            The brightest children in my country, are more likely to become drug addicts or psychatry disability pensioned (and or drugged), than CEOs
            Research shows that the average IQ among drug abusers is higher than among normal

          • Is that true? I do not know. Until some time ago, I would have felt ashamed to believe it. And I would only have wanted to believe it to feel like I am better. Now, I do not care so much.

            But yeah, there is something stupid about them. The thing is: How do I know I would not find myself equally stupid looking from the outside in?

            I guess it comes down to: We are here, talking about this stuff. They are not. They do not care. And if we told them, they would not care either.

            But in the end, the only reason I care is pain. If I had a happy life, I would never have even begun to think about this stuff.

            Would I want to exchange my life for a different one, though? Weird question. Probably not.

          • Micah Geni

            The most successful ones, you’ll find slightly above the average. Around 1 to 2 deviations above. Say 110-120. Perfect setup to want to become very successful. Because they dont see the crap behind it all. Not until they are already deep into the game. It is the Dunning-Kruger area of IQ. The perfect cerebreal narcissistic area (as Vaknin would have labeled it)

            I did have a long time friend. Far above that range. But he kept his narcissistic traits well shaped (parents were not rich so didnt get anything for free). He has had very huge success, and relatively easy for him too. But of course, he has spent a lot of his life at work

          • Fuck Vaknin. That asshole blocked me. For the approval of some old bitches. I can not take that man seriously.

          • Micah Geni

            What to expect ? He is a narc ! lol.

            His terminology does work though. But he sees narcissism in everything. Probably even in the need to take a pee.

          • Quite a narcipisstic proposition.

          • Micah Geni

            Most jobs need obedient slaves. There is no democracy in work life. There is no need for thinkers, in most jobs.

            But the feminism has had some unwanted side-effects. I think it is a dead end. An experiment between 1970 and 2030. Some parts of it will be kept, others will be removed. I do believe single-moms with all rights, are to be removed

            All things arent delibarately performed as controlled experiments. Some group toss up an idea. Insist on it. “Sure, let us see how that works out. And re-evalute the whole idea and concept later”. Try-fail-learn. Sociology

          • Micah Geni

            I do not believe in a hidden agenda. I just believe that humanity has
            blindly navigated itself here and just does not know what to do about
            it. Just like the cells of a body condemn it to die, the mass of people
            of a big civilization guarantee its downfall. But yeah, I am being
            abstract myself.

            Yeah I believe so too. Plus it was just so comfortable to not look to close at what the effects were. The system went around, some consumed happily others profitted happily from that.

  • Omega Man

    When my sons (and daughter’s) reached the age of 12, we enrolled them into the Army cadets. My wife also volunteered with the parents support group, with things like fund raising, hot dog nights, etc… while I ended up being the camp cook, dish wisher, and general cleanup guy for many of the cadet’s camp outs.

    What my wife and I noticed is that we also had more than a few young fatherless boys. The cadet unit also had a grizzled old pilot who flew a fighter jet during the Suez crisis, a Sergeant-Major advisor who had seen combat in Malaya and other veterans of foreign wars. These old veterans were the only father figures these boys had and while they could never replace the full time fathers that these boys desperately needed, they did indeed have a profound influence on their lives. You would get yelled at if your boots were not polished, or your uniform was not crisp and neatly ironed. There were fun times too, such as days at the rifle range, basic infantry field manoevres and of course the camp outs. Life was not easy for these boys, but they were accepted, encouraged when they did well and given a blast of the Sergeant-Major’s mind when they did something foolish. Most importantly, they were given the opportunity to earn a leadership position in an illustrious regiment and to be rightfully proud of their accomplishments. With the exception of opportunity (and free uniform, socks and boots), nothing was given to these boys. Everything thereafter had to be earned.

    By the time the cadet’s aged out at 18, the transformation from a troubled young boy to a confident young man was remarkable to see.

    Many (on the left) have criticized the cadet movement as nothing more than “child soldiers”, but from my experience, it is the one (and only) program that can steer a young fatherless boy away from trouble and into manhood.

    • Interesting.

      These days, I am not so sure whether I would like someone yelling at me. It sounded very appealing half a year ago and I got that in the martial arts gym. I did not enjoy it as much as I thought I would. Do not like anybody telling me what to do, do not want to be a sheep, do not want to be some kind of patriot for the cause or country of another man. I want to make my own rules – and yet I do not know how. Maybe one has to start as a follower, then become a leader. I do not know.

      On the other hand, I guessthe shouting works. Whenever there was another, more kind trainer, I noticed that I did not put in the same effort and respected him less. Kinda like: I do not want a trainer who is less of a badass than I am.

      I can not deny that the cadet program sounds very appealing to me. But I also feel ashamed of it – and envious, because I am far past that age.

      I feel that the outside world regards such sentiments as primitive, brutish, childish, whatever. Makes me feel like some kind of dirty dog who is licking shit in the corners of the slum, a dog who should not dare to interact with the good people who just care about harmony and love and stuff. It is such a caricature, but my head is full of it. I want to have adventures and conquest and sex, but the outside world says it is only about love and relationships and stuff. Why can there not be both? What is wrong with me that I do not like – or believe – this ideal where everything just somehow falls into place, where you can love everybody et cetera?

      If it is the only program, I sure hope it is not the only way.

      • Omega Man

        I guess you could call it tough love. I’ve only had experience with the Army cadets and I know that a combination of discipline, i.e. being yelled at for stepping out of line, along with rewards and promotions for doing well works, and works very well indeed. I also forgot to mention that during my days in the service, I did my share of cleaning bathroom floors with a toothbrush, peeling potatoes, collecting garbage, etc… It certainly is an incentive to toe the line. It was also a right of passage, in that just about everybody at one time or another was assigned “shit detail” for screwing something up and woe betide anyone who complained about the unfairness of it all. You quickly learned to keep your mouth shut and just got on with it.

        With respect to having people tell you what to do, you have to remember that for a novice, there is no other way to learn something quickly. You can read a book, but in the beginning there is nothing like having an instructor tell you what and how to do something. As you progress, the “telling” or yelling becomes less and less and is replaced by a mentorship where the instructor becomes more of a guide on your journey of learning. If you’re interested, look up the “Dreyfus Model of Skill Acquisition” in Wikipedia.

        In Canada, the cadet movement, while officially a branch of the armed services, is badly underfunded, hence the bottle drives, and other fund raising activities. The commanding officers, Sergeant-Majors and other advisors are either paid a pittance or are volunteers. You certainly don’t go into cadet services for the money.

        The cadet movement does so much good but as you say the politically correct world views them as barbaric and brutish. On the other hand, who are the real barbarians here? The left advocates for policies which are destructive to the family, and instead of shaming single mothers, they celebrate their so called “courage” while ignoring the carnage left in their wake.

        • I guess what bugs me is the predictability of it all. I find myself in it and my brain cries: You are being manipulated here. It is a sense of powerlessness and submission that I find hard to enjoy.

          I am having a problem, though, maybe you can give reasonable advice.

          My current trainer despised me at the beginning. I became better with time and he started to be nice to me, giving me lots of tips and sending me a video documentary about another fighter. It made me feel good. Too good. I could not deal with it and did not want to be emotionally dependent in this way. He also has a lot of followers and fanboys on Facebook, something I find ridiculous. We were friends on Facebook and sometimes he liked my stuff and the other way around.

          One day, he wrote me a generic looking message asking me to like his stuff. It is good for him, because he has got some sponsors who care or whatever. At the gym, I had already told him that I like the stuff I really like, nothing else. Anyway, I replied ‘sorry man, this is too strenuous for me. i wish you success anyway’. I did not want to end up feeling obliged to be his fanboy; after all, I pay for the gym membership. I did feel bad about disrespecting him that way, but I felt that he had brought it upon himself by wanting to make me his fanboy.

          He replied ‘sure man, same to you’. Which I replied nothing to, because I found it meaningless. He does not even know anything about me, how can he wish me success? With what?

          Later, he became cold towards me. I wanted to talk to him about something else and he said ‘no time for this shit, man’. Then I saw he had deleted me on Facebook.

          On one hand, I was glad, because I was rid of the emotional responsibility. On the other hand, I was angry because of his cowardice and not even telling me what it was about. I took all my courage and confronted him and he held eye contact and everything and said ‘i do not want to talk about it. can you respect that?’ and i was kinda in ‘impress everybody’ mode and the instinctive cool response was ‘yes, i can respect that.’

          But it was a lie. I did not respect it. Things seemed cool later, but I feel like living a lie. I want to tell him that I think he was acting like a bitch, even if it means I have to fight. But I am afraid. Fear of getting hurt, but also fear for losing the status quo and him as a trainer.

          I have not been around men I respect much in my life, so this stuff confuses me.

        • Dreyfus looks cool. I figure I see my error now. I am a very good programmer, at the top of that model. When I start something new, I feel like I need to have exactly that kind of overview and third sense about it. Guess that is not how it works.

          Can you recommend some reading about the policies that destroy families? In the past, it was more of an emotional matter to me and I liked to rant about it, but I feel like that is not good enough of an argument for me anymore. My experience could be an outlier, at least theoretically.

          • Omega Man

            I’ve been reading “A Voice for Men” and they have all kinds of stories, along with the statistics that will literally break your heart.

            The biggest destroyer of families is the Family Court System and the lawyers they support. More than one man has committed suicide over the destruction of his life and the denial of access to his children.

            There’s also the “Community of the Wrongfully Accused” which deals with phony rape and abuse charges.

            I would say that your experience is typical of the fatherless boys and men that I have known. There are a lot of issues to work through, but in the end I think you’ll be fine.

            As for me I was raised by a German Army Sergeant, with Prussian discipline to boot. I grew up in the 60s and chafed under it at times but I am now very glad that my father was able to instill a sense of honour and duty in me. My mother was there to sooth things over, but it was my father who made sure that rules were followed. He provided a structure to my life. I didn’t realize it at the time, but he had the strength to resist my attempts at rebellion, and was thereby able to guide me into adulthood.

            Today with the feminization of men, even that is no longer a certainty.

          • Thanks for the recommendations. I read a lot of articles, but I realize that it is easy to cherry-pick studies and data. I have become very sceptical recently, as there are so many conflicting ideas in my head that I did not even acknowledge in the past. It just all makes no sense, easily.

            To you, choosing the truth may come easily because of your clear-cut background. The mindset you have was enforced from your childhood and you probably have little doubts.

            But I guess that is the problem they call ‘think for yourself’. It is interesting. Fascinating, actually, if it were not so troubling.

            I would say that your experience is typical of the fatherless boys and men that I have known. There are a lot of issues to work through, but in the end I think you’ll be fine.

            I see. I was hoping for some advice. Can you give any? Or explanation of his behavior? Did I make a mistake? How to go on about it? What would you do?

            As for honor and duty, I respect that these are values to you, but for me they are just meaningless words. My old boss used to criticize me for being disloyal when I said I would quit. Yet he knew that I was completely underchallenged and I feel like he groomed me to work for his company just because I was very good at what I do. And all that justified by the great word ‘loyalty’. I feel betrayed.

            Yes, that thing with rebellion makes sense. You had your dad, for me it has to be the police now. Who knows, maybe I just need to get ‘punished’ enough to see that impulsive resistance against authority is futile. Yet a dad may sympathize, while the police does not. You just get looked at like a big child. And I guess that is who I am, in a way. It is scary.

  • Riz

    I’ll introduce myself on this article although there are probably many here I can relate to…

    The subject of this blog has immense potential. I’m going to throw my experience in the mix to help you understand why I think this and why the consequences of “not having a father” are absolutely devastating.

    I had a father growing up. But he might as well not have existed. He was and still is the prototypical “castrated male.” EVERYTHING he did was exactly what my mother told him to do. He has never lived life as a male. My mother controlled him like a puppet. Anytime I did something “masculine” or in the vein of what “boys do” she would yell at him to tell me to stop. And he simply obeyed, like a dog.

    Trying to even put it into words is nearly impossible. It’s like having two mothers, but one of them is a zombie drone that is supposed to be on your side…the mind becomes so unbelievably confused as to why this adult male person is so agreeable to the raging, psychotic female presence that was my mother.

    Growing up, I never learned anything about being a boy. Didn’t know how to talk to girls. Didn’t know how to handle bullies. Didn’t know how to fight. Whenever I wanted something, I was conditioned to whine and cry until I got it. My mother still dressed me for school during high school.

    The thing is, I HAD NO IDEA that there was an alternative to this, which was to have a father that took control. That kicked my ass and taught me hard life lessons.

    He has also worked the same fucking job for more than 30 years. 30 fucking years. He does not make a lot of money, but he has provided for the family, so I will give him that.

    I’ll be around to comment on your stuff, as it’s a great topic and something few people can relate to or understand.

    • Fuck man, that sounds horrible.

      It’s like having two mothers, but one of them is a zombie drone that is supposed to be on your side…

      I feel you. That reminds me of every time my mother turned on me when it came to official monkeys or school or police. No ass there to understand.

      I feel your anger. It is fucking humiliating and soul-breaking to experience this.

      I wonder if it is better to have no father or to have a father like yours. I guess it both sucks hard.

      Would you care to write a guest article about your experience? Despite what you say, I think it is quite a common thing these days to grow up with a wuss dad. Or without any at all. Would love to publish an article about how this all made you feel and what you tried and how you were confused, cause I can fucking feel that. As you say, you do not even know it could be different. That is the worst part. Masculinity, in our world, starts as a comical parody in TV, something divorced from our personal life. Something that only happens in movies.

      Unfortunately, I think most boys/men with our background feel like they have to just swallow it and act like superhero-Victor Prides without any way to process and feel this shit.

      Thanks for your comment, I appreciate it.

      • Riz

        Absolutely will write a guest post for you. Appreciate the offer.

        Like I said, I think the subject matter of this blog will resonate very powerfully for some people. As soon as I saw the domain name even, I had to look deeper.

        I’ll hit you up on the contact form.

  • Jim Trompe

    Hey Tom I really appreciated your explanation of Narcissism, it really opened my understanding of many things that went on in my family. I’ve discovered some theories that you might find interesting. There were some psychologists that really got into the ego development of children-what very specific mental models children seemed to be using at each age. Whats surprising it seems that trauma at specific ages seems to result in many of the different generically caused “disorders” like borderline, narcissism psychopath, etc. You mention seeing the world as black and white–look up the psychological term “splitting” as an example. Whats encouraging it seems they have had good results with therapy directly addressing those missing mental stages. Dialectical Behavioral Therapy is one. As an aside it seems like Narcissists and Borderlines often fit together like a lock and key, so a narcissist mother will often cause a borderline daughter and a borderline mother will cause a narcissist daughter(I see this in my own family). And often romantically narcissist get along with borderlines(borderlines will give you all the supply and then some that you can handle) Especially in Northern and Eastern Europe it looks like large percentages of the population fit these pathologies(maybe a survival mechanism for the extremely harsh conditions?). Here’s the essay that started me on this path. https://bpdtransformation.wordpress.com/2015/11/16/29-the-borderline-states-an-essay-by-lloyd-ross-ph-d-therapist-with-40-years-experience-treating-people-labeled-bpd/ this talks about some different stages of development.http://www.encyclopedia.com/doc/1G2-3406900380.html

  • Mcklao

    You must be the most pathetic weak individual in all of existence. For all your reasoning an searching and asking questions, you fail to see one obvious truth: you’re the bitch. Not your granny, not your mother, not single-mothers, not the entire population of the opposite sex. You. You look at yourself and how pathetic you are and put the blame on those who raised you. I can see how that type of self-pity is appealing because it allows you the fantasy that you are more, that you could’ve been more, better, if only you were raised better. But you have been raised in better conditions than the vast majority of the human population. People who have been violently abused, raped as long back as they can remember and have had their sense of self completely annihilated by their parents have managed to rise above it, pick up the pieces and build themselves up again. And they walk with confidence and humor and manage to find love in their hearts. You’re empty, not because your mother emptied you, but because you always were. We’re not just a product of nurture, nature also plays a role. You are naturally weak. So weak that you couldn’t overcome the TERRIBLE tragedy of being born in a first world country, in a cozy dandy home with no abuse, to a mother who loved you (even if that’s not your preferred brand of love). You have no strength inside of yourself. And this is puzzling to you since you were raised a spoiled brat, fed love (the builder of confidence) since you were born. It makes no sense to you. Your weakness is inexplicable and so you’ve gone mad trying to find explanations for it.

    There are no explanations. It’s just the way you were made. No amount of fatherly love and fighting with little boys could’ve changed what you’ve become. People are not equal. You can envy strong individuals for the rest of your life, or you can accept that you are weak and make peace with it.

    • Yeah, well, that’s just your opinion, man.

      • Mcklao

        It’s the truth. You seem intelligent, but not intelligent enough to realize that you are the sole creator of your own misery. You’ve had the world handed to you on a silver platter, and all you can do is whine and see enemies where there are none. All of this because you’re unable to accept who you are. Those boys raising hell in their childhood? If you had switched homes with them, if they were raised by your mother, they would still be their michevous, confident, impulsive selves and raise hell. And you would’ve still been you, even under their masculine father’s influence. Would probably end up resenting him for pushing on you traits you do not possess and write a whole different kind of blog. We are who we are. Sometimes our personality can be suppressed – through violence and abuse, but you were hardly subjected to that. Even then, if a person is strong enough, it might shine through and survive. Strength cannot be taught. It’s either in your or its not.

        • Its still just your opinion, dude. You are free to think that, I dont care.

          • Mcklao

            Sorry for being so harsh. I don’t doubt that your pain is real. I just think you’ve failed to identify the true source of it.

          • Yeah, its fine. I understand your logical perspective. I just dont agree with it.