I sit at the lake and watch my birthday card burn. The part with the message is already gone. No way to know what grandma and my mother wrote me. My gut aches with guilt and sentiment, but I am consciously too cruel to acknowledge it. I sent them away months ago and now I must be firm. I need to learn to live without their support. Totally.
Some time later, I get a letter from my mother. I hesitate to read it, but curiosity gets the best of me.
She writes that she is sorry for all the things that went wrong in my life. The usual blah blah.
Before you dismiss my judgment as too cold: How is it that you willingly accept a cold analysis of women’s sexuality, but not ?
Food for thought.
She writes why she did not leave Germany with my father. Interesting, but irrelevant.
She writes that if she could take all my pain upon her, she would.
She begs to see me. She writes that it would not hurt me, after all, to see her once a week.
Yes, it would.
Is it not curious that she brags about her wish to take my pain upon her in one sentence, yet is not willing to grant me my freedom of her company?
Although claiming to want to help me, she ignores my wish for solitude and imposes her presence upon me.
The selfish nature of a (my) mother’s love
A mother’s love is about caring and smothering. From her perspective, she is a giver. Altruistic and of purest intent. She wants me to be happy.
selfishness. It is not and I will explain why.seems to confuse quite a lot of people, in that they see it as anti-proof to
First of all, altruism / mother’s love is only an emotion. Yes, I understand it. To be willing to feel miserable if only the subject of your love is happy.
A noble intent. And yet it is about her wish to see me happy. If I am not, it is her who suffers. She needs to see me happy in order to be able to be happy herself. It is her who will not tolerate me being in distress, even if I want and need to be.
This should suffice to refute the notion of altruism. It is illogical. Even when you are doing something for somebody else, it is still you who is driven to do it.
That said, I do not oppose selfishness. On the contrary. I did not point this out to make a mother look like a monster, but to demystify her love.
But the selfishness is not the problem of a mother’s love. The problem is that, as all emotions, it is impulsive, instinctual and irresponsible.
Mother’s love as a destructive force
By now, you should know enough about women’s nature to agree that emotions are an imperative to them. They cannot help themselves. If they feel something, it is right.
Therefore, if a mother sees her kid in distress, she will not be able to do anything but smother it. She will not be selective. Any kind of distress needs to be attended to immediately.
But why would I oppose being happy?
The answer is, of course, because distress is necessary in life. I have read the statement that a mother’s unselective care giving can be like a shoe on the head of a person who is trying to stand up. It is all okay. You do not need to stand up. You are good as you are.
I like you on the floor.
There is a place for a mother’s love, but it definitely needs to be regulated. She cannot be allowed to indulge in it every time, because that will create a weakling.
A mother’s love as a delusion
Combine this knowledge with the female hamster and you are left with mother who not only desperately needs to see you happy right now and here, but also is deluded enough to think that her affection is the one thing you could possibly need, her love the one ultimate pill that solves all your problems.
And how cruel would you be to reject her love? How cruel to refuse a hug you neither need nor want? A hug that was only offered to you because she saw some stupid trace of sadness in your eyes. So important is her need for you to be happy, that you will even pretend to be, only so that she will leave you alone and not force her intimacy unto you.
A mother’s love does not gauge the long-term consequences of each engagement. It just is. It does not care whether the kid deserves the affection or whether it actually does him good.
It is quite likely that a mother would not truly understand to leave her kid alone even if somebody reasoned to her that it will make the kid happy in the long term.
And this leads me to a quite Machiavellian aspect of a mother’s love.
A mother’s love as a commodity
A mother is a saleswoman. More than once has my mother and grandmother told me that no person on earth will ever love me like she does. It is a unique selling point.
She is indeed the perfect saleswoman because she blindly believes in the all-encompassing healing power of her love. She will therefore administer it any time she gets the chance, even if it is not really helpful.
How do you call it when you substitute the real solution with a quick fix? A.
Your mother’s love is like the pimp’s heroine. Coincidentally, I have heard a drug addict compare the effect of heroine to momma’s warm chicken soup.
Administer a drug often enough to smooth you through some problems without solving them and you generate addiction. Next time you face a challenge, you will not be used to dealing with it and crave another fix.
That is what a mother’s love is about, at least partly. To make you an addict to her affection.
As females always do, mothers also have the unconscious intent to bind you to them. It does not necessarily take a ring to do that.
Of course, she only wants to see you happy in that moment. She wants to. She will look into your eyes and swear she wants nothing in return.
But next time she wants something, be sure that she will remember all the things she did for you and use them to make you feel guilty.
A mother’s love is a power play.
She wants you to be around when you grow old, so that she will not be alone. Not being left without anyone to take care of her. And my mother admitted that on more than one occasion. My grandmother never fails to tell me how miserable she is, alone.
She needs to be a pillar for you so that you may later be one for her.
Do you wonder how this makes sense evolutionarily? I have not thought about it. If you have a good remark, share it.
Stop pedestalizing a mother’s love, the last holy grail. If anything, it is useful to her. It is her product which she is programmed to give. Affection. And when the time comes, she will want to capitalize on that investment.
And she will not know that this is true until the day actually comes.
As the Illimitable Man points out, women are perfect Machiavellians. They are perfectly convincing because they do not know they are lying.
See any parallels between your relationship with your mother and other women?
I recently had a talk with a woman that infuriated me. She had a son who lived with his father. I told her that this was great for him, but she acknowledged that this was not the reason she let it happen. She said that she merely allowed it for financial reasons and would not give him away else. She saw him as something she owned, while a father typically sees a son as a friend to teach something.
Given my own pains growing up without a father, this ignorance left no doubt in my mind about the fact that women do not really rationally care if you are happy or grow up a strong man. They just satisfy themselves by satisfying you in any given moment. The consequences do not matter to them. They rationalize it by thinking that a mother’s love solves everything.
But because she wants to coddle you. Understand the difference. The first is (would be) a logical decision, independent of her own needs. The second is based on the mother’s urgent need to see you happy.
My mother once gave my father a present he did not ask for. When he told her he did not need it, she broke out in tears.
It is all about her need to give, to make you happy.
She does not know you need what she has. She feels it.
Of course, a mother is different from other women in one aspect. A mother will never leave you alone – while other women will. She will never possibly have as much leverage on anybody as she has on you.
Incidentally, she primes you for, which all other women can capitalize on.
The sacrifice argument
But a mother will sacrifice herself for her child.
Well, yes, I believe that this is true. Maybe. Does it matter?
No. There is no honor or rationality in that. It is an instinct. A woman sacrificing herself for her child is no more noble than me taking a shit when I need to.
The important point for all deluded moralists is:is a very unique and rare situation. And outside of that situation, this special instinct does not play any role.
The fact that she would eventually sacrifice herself for your life does not mean that she will actually willingly sacrifice herself for your true happiness and much less for your.
Because her sacrifice is not based on principle. It does not flow from her conviction that she actually wants you to be happy, even without her. It is a mere vulgar reflex.
In everyday life, her wish to make you happy will by far overshadow her possible wish for you to be happy.
A mother, like a woman, is a source of pure pleasure that can distract you from all life’s struggles. But like any woman, this comes at a price. Not when you are receiving it. At that moment, it is for free. But once they feel it is fair to give something back, they will readily say so.
“I have given so much to you for free. Now it is time for you to do something for free for me!”
Not only is it an investment in your dependency, it is – in very equal quantity – an investment into your inability toby yourself.
In a traditional family, a strong father can shield the kid from too much motherly affection and the dependency can, in such a regulated environment, perhaps exist in a healthy dose. To my disgust, though, I have seen fathers use the same guilt tripping women do.
Struggle is necessary to grow andis necessary to learn to . Logically follows what happened to me: I was so loved by my mother that I never learned it.
Do not be selective when it comes to the red pill. Your mother is the first woman in your life. The greatest power over you. And yet an alien power, because she is female and you are male. She is, she is not your friend. She is one who provides you with pleasure and she is a saleswoman. Be wary of it.
Is it fair for a woman to expect you to be around for having brought you up with her love? As far as I am concerned, I feel very much more content and like myself when she is not around. That is reason enough for me to banish her from my life. I do not her. I did not ask her to bear me. She had as much joy making me happy as I had being made happy. It is a fair deal.
If you feel indebted to your mother, go ahead and stay with that old annoying hag. Or read No More Mr. Nice Guy.
And if you still believe that a mother only wants your best at her own sacrifice, remember the letter excerpts at the top.