A place for a

20.08.2015

What is your fucking problem?

Why do you look like a fagman mangina pussy? Grow some balls.

No, seriously. Why exactly do your balls refuse to grow? It can be a tough riddle to solve.

Consider your balls like a normal agricultural project. Are you aware of the enormous heap of knowledge required to be a simple fucking farmer? Do you know the variety of chemical reactions that can spoil your soil? Do you monitor the rainfall? Do your machines work? Are you safe from vermin?

What is wrong?

Two years ago, I felt quite adventurous. Until some time ago, the memory of that energy seemed like a lie. Through some gradual process, I had slipped into a limbo of depression and indifference.

I felt that something was wrong. But I figured that it must have always been that way. How do you remember emotional states, after all?

So I faked it, hopefully until I would make it. But at some point, I just failed to continue faking. I came to the conclusion that that period of time when I felt like I own the world was simply an outlier in a life that is meant to be miserable. That it was a failed attempt to escape a dark blob of agony. An illusion, so to speak, one I finally burned out keeping up.

After about a year in this state, I was pretty much convinced this was just who I was.

I read some motivational articles here and there and thought:

Hey, I can make it! 

Tomarrow.

You are a fucking machine

Emphasis lies on machine, not on fucking.

The world is really weird in the way that it is frustratingly logical. As opposed to our emotional world and instinct.

You can try a damn fucking thing a million times and it will not work. Then you change one detail and suddenly, it does.

If you have a background in programming or ever watched someone work on a motor, you will understand what I mean. Sometimes you keep trying out a hundred variations of component A while all you need to do is change a little detail of component B. Imagine a little maladjusted air valve prohibiting the flow of the correct amount of air into the cylinders for burning. You will not see this. You will stand in front of the damned thing and curse what the hell is wrong. The problem is big, you will think, so the solution must be something big and obvious.

You will think that you just fucked up the whole thing and are in far over your head. You will lose the belief in your rational mind. And one evening, you turn that little screw by half a revolution and it works.

If you are lucky, you will have done nothing else and understand your mistake. If you are not lucky, you turned the screw by accident while changing the coupling mechanism and conclude that the perfectly functional old coupling mechanism belongs to the trash.

Logic everywhere

This applies to all parts of life.

Why do girls not like you? A million possible reasons. Too nice? Too needy? Maybe you just have bad breath. Who will ever tell you?

Are you not confident enough? What does that even mean? It is a vague observation. So somebody tells you to be more confident and you try a million things to do it.

Then you read one book that hits the nail on the head. Directs your focus on some small detail in your thinking process. And suddenly the machine works. All wheels are turning and you feel like your past problems are ridiculous.

But until you find the missing link, you often start to doubt your sanity. Simply because after a thousand logical approaches to solve your misery, none works, you conclude that logic may just not apply to some parts of life. That you just have to live with the fact that happiness is random and out of your control.

Resignation. Succumbing to mysticism.

My little story

Two weeks ago, I paid a company for removing the mould that had been covering half a wall in my flat for almost a year. I did it because the landlord disliked the sight. I had not done it earlier because it was fucking expensive.

At the same time, I started to eat base powder with my breakfast, as my Muay Thai trainer advised all of us to do in order to reduce the acidity of the muscles after training. It contains stuff like Zinc and Calcium and tastes a little better than soap.

I had also been improving my general diet in the course of the last months. After a very strict and unhealthy diet at the end of 2013, I had started indulging in sugar, sugar and more sugar. And fast food. Now I am doing more reasonable things.

Bottom line: In the last few days I noticed that I had gotten back something I had forgotten existed. Willpower.

Whenever in the past year I tried to will myself through some challenge, I ended up tired and weak, so I went into some kind of energy conservation mindset. I ended up considering it childish to exert willpower and instead changed to a more dialectic mindset of accepting suffering and going towards indifference. Through some magic, I managed to fight myself through 6 months of Muay Thai training, nonetheless.

Missing pieces

So what was it? Was it the mould? The diet? Or the powder?

A childish version of myself who has watched Hannibal and Death Note expects some marvelous intellectual intuition that will make it clear what the problem was.

The frustrating truth is, again: There is no way to know.

Did I mention that my father visited me for a few days, too? Who knows what kind of influence that had on me.

Personally, I think it is the mould. I feel like I am breathing clearer air now.

But it could be an illusion.

Fact is, something changed. And suddenly, I work again. Suddenly, I can tolerate my emotional world again. Suddenly, I feel like there is some point in pursuing a form of happiness again.

Red pill lesson

The lesson of this is disappointingly cold and bland, and slightly encouraging. Red pill, as good as it gets.

There can be a million reasons why you feel like shit. Maybe you search for answers in your nutrition while your mindset is fucked up. Maybe the opposite is the case, like it was with me who thought that mindset simply solves everything. Maybe your testosterone is low. Maybe you lack some vitamin.

Are you aware of how much it costs to test your blood for all known stuff that can be in it? Each compound is a single test. You will pay hundreds of dollars, if not thousands, for a complete test of everything.

So the only thing you can go by is your feels. Classify your symptoms and wonder what can be the cause. But which doctor reliably studied all the causes for any kind of symptom? And how can you be sure that a particular part of your mood is a symptom and not just part of your personality? Is your memory good enough to tell? If your state deteriorated over the course of months, you may not have any reference.

The disappointing truth is: A farmer’s existence can go to shit and he may never find out why. Yet another farmer may solve a superficially similar problem – same symptoms – and think he has the solution for everybody. Whilst it only helped with his particular arrangement of variables.

You may lack balls and there may be an easy solution, but you may never find it.

Because even if the solution is simple and straight-forward, there are a billion variations of things you could try to do.

Give up the idea that your brain and body somehow know what the problem is.

This is especially annoying if you, like me, have the experience of knowing almost everything about some particular field and are used to your brain just spitting out correct answers that seem like intuition. But your brain can only do that because it has a database of patterns and causal relations to query regarding a particular problem.

Just imagine this simple stupid problem: You are in a jungle. You know that there are two kinds of fruits that both taste great. One of them will kill you over the course of one year, the other will not. But nobody told you how to tell them apart.

You are fucked.

Who was the first person that had the idea to eat something like spinach? And tell it apart from poisonous plants? Do you know that shamans spend many days in loneliness and darkness only eating one single kraut at a time to find out how that plant talks to them? Sounds crazy, but it is the only logical way to train yourself to actually recognize the effects of what you put in your body.

There is a reason why a man with a father has a head start. Because evolution made sure that this particular line of knowledge was passed on to you while all others died off. Your father does not know truth because it is self-evident. He knows it because all those who mistook a lie for self-evident truth before him have died.

Such is the unfair struggle of life: If you do know the path, it seems almost too simple. If you do not know it, the goal is next to impossible to reach.

Preventive medicine

No matter how intelligent you are, you can not distill information out of thin air. Read. Swallow your pride. Not because you could not find out yourself, but because each tiny detail you can read up in a second took somebody years or humanity centuries to figure out.

Read. And converse. And pray to the holy fucking Whatever that you will have read the right stuff when you face a problem.

Also, use methodology. If you can avoid it, do not attempt to solve a problem with more than one solution at a time. Long enough to observe effects. Consider the delay until the effect becomes visible; carbon monoxide poisoning can add up over days, for instance. Consistency is necessary for sticking with one solution, to factor out incalculable variables. So foster discipline.

And do not fool yourself with the euphoria of seeming understanding. The euphoria of having found a theory that seems to fit perfectly on first sight, but does not withstand testing. Do not be fooled by the PUA scam that tells you to woo girls by talking about baby names. God, is that stupid! But, wait. I did not really try it yet.

The other perspective is: If you want to figure out a problem, do not underestimate it. Accept that a trivial problem may take days, weeks, months to solve. Stuff is only easy if you already know the solution. Coming up with an original song is much harder than listening to one. Hence patents, I guess.

Again: If you know the solution, the problem is nonexistent. If you do not, it is impossible to solve. Knowledge is literally the difference between joyful success and miserable suffering and death. A simple idea can be the difference between being a loner or having great friends.

Life is funny.

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  • Bob Smith

    I read your article. It makes sense. When I was in junior high I had to pick out a musical instrument to play for the band class I was forced to take. I chose a coronet. Try as I might, I couldn’t make that fuckin’ thing work right. I was so off-key, I was so atrocious…I had absolutely no fucking clue what was wrong. So I practiced and practiced at home until the neighbors’ cats started screaming. Whatever I tried, it didn’t work. My band instructor was patient and encouraging but I just wanted the class to be over with so I could quit making an ass out of myself whenever I had to play a solo in front of all the other kids.

    So the very last day of class, the instructor comes over to my seat, and asks me what I thought the problem was with my nails-on-the-blackboard horn playing. I told him that I thought I just couldn’t play the freaking thing. Everything else I tried to play – piano, drums, whatever, I had no problem with; thus, I just knew I wasn’t cut out to be a horn player. So he asked to take a look at my coronet, which he had never done before that moment. So I handed it to him. He pulled out the valves, looked the entire instrument over, and finally said, “Bob…you had the valves in backwards.”

    So during that entire semester, had I possessed this one simple solution, everything would have been fine. Heh. One simple trick, yep. It’s finding it that is the bitch…just like you pointed out.

    • Great comment, Bob!

      (I know I responded to the comment elsewhere already, but I need to make it appear like I care about my readers here on my blog. You know, appearances and all that)

      • Bob Smith

        Wink-wink. Gotcha…

        • Bob, you have an email? I’d like to send you something – mannequin-related.

          • Bob Smith

            I don’t think that’s wise, Tom. You might get heat that you don’t want. Certain subjects are dicey (and this is one of them) and I don’t want to see you get into a bad situation. I’m just looking out for you here. Can you post it on your blog…or at ROK.

          • It’s just two or three pictures from the book I told you about; without any commentary from my side. If it makes you feel better, I can use an anonymous online mail thingy. I do seem to have an email of yours from the Disqus system. Is that one working?

          • And btw, have you glanced over my blog topics? If anyone is on to me, they have more than enough material already, brother.

          • Bob Smith

            guest666wantsyou at yahoo dot com…if black helicopters start showing up at your place, don’t say I didn’t warn ya…(wink).

          • Hey Bob, found this old little thing while recovering some files. Was a movie project of mine back when I was a young chap, some 10 years ago, still with those shitty miniDV cameras.

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j7sXWz1YD5Q

          • Bob Smith

            Pretty damn slick, Tom. I’m impressed. Glad to see you back here at ROK, I missed ya (so did a lot of others who were wondering out loud where you went)…

          • Heh. I am not back on ROK, this is my own blog.

            I was banned. Wrote an article about it (you can read it here on this blog)

          • Bob Smith

            Oh. Why in the fuck did you get banned. I can’t imagine Roosh doing that to you. Did you every get an explanation, or read a rumor about it. Lots of guys have been asking WTF happened, where did you go, why did you get banned. It sucks, it sucks I say!

          • I was banned for a comment I made. If you want the details, check here: manwithoutfather.com/2016/11/21/roosh-v-banned-return-kings-2-years-commenting/