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10.08.2015

Waking up to madness – and reality

When I mean waking up, I mean it literally. I woke up this morning and I had the sensation that I had lost my mind. That I had been living with my ability to think for so long – yet occasionally, I could not shake off that feeling that I didn’t really know what I was doing. The feeling that there was no real coherent concept behind my thinking, no absolute underlying framework below all my thoughts, rendering them more akin to bubbles surfacing in a boiling soup.

The feeling that my thinking was random and, in a way, pointless. That I very often was confronted with simple decisions and could not make them.

Occasionally, I would be in a sort of flow. That would be when  in an argument about something I had concerned myself with. My intellect would make lots of connections and spit out ideas; in these situations, I would feel great. Yet other times, when idle, I would consider thinking about something and realize that I couldn’t even really tell what thinking was or how to do it.

Sometimes I would have other people agree with me and feel great, yet wonder at the same time why they didn’t dig deeper. Other times, I would argue with somebody and wonder why they couldn’t accept my idea.

Agreeing made me feel safe, made me feel like things make sense. Yet when somebody disagreed, I could not always explain why I was so convinced they were wrong.

All in all, letting these observations sink in, made me believe I had lost my mind. That’s the feeling I went to sleep with yesterday and it frightened me more deeply than much of what I can remember. After having always been told I was intelligent and being proud of it, I had to admit that I was deeply confused and felt like I had no control over my life.

Going insane

When I woke up, the feeling had grown worse, more resembling conviction.

I admitted defeat.

I admitted to myself that I had no idea what so many discussions and ideas were really about and I really don’t remember the last time I felt so powerless. I had no idea what the truth was.

But the moment I stopped fighting my lack of understanding, something curious happened.

I looked around myself, at my room, at my hands, out of the window. An idea entered my mind.

My thoughts and thus the answers I find can only be as clear as the questions I ask.

The questions I ask can only be as clear as the words I use to ask them.

And what is the most basic fundamental question, underlying all others?

It is: Here I am. What do I do?

At this point, I understood my feeling of going insane. And woke up to reality.

Reality

Reality etymologically stems from the late latin word realis, meaning relating to things. The real world consists of all the things around you.

As I lay in my bed, looking around and wondering what the point of life was, it became clear to me that it is all about reality. About now.

Look around yourself. What do you see?

And be disciplined: I do not ask what you imagine to see. Not what you think is behind the corner, or a person you may meet later, or a memory of yesterday, no, only the most immediate and direct perception of your surroundings.

Now, what do you want to do in this world?

That’s the only fucking thing that matters.

How do I know? Because thought and reason can only ever be guided by intent. By desire. By a wish.

Without a desired outcome, reason can not exist. Without a desired outcome, no question can be asked, no direction given, no decision made.

If your reason is not dictated by your own desire, it can only be dictated by the desires of other people.

And reality is the only thing that you share with other people. All the things around you. Everything that can be seen and touched.

What other questions can you ever ask then: What do I want to do? Who must I fight to be able to do it? Am I strong enough and capable to do what I want to do? Who else wants to do the thing that I want to do?

What else can you wish from life than a direction, a task, a purpose? What other purpose can language serve than to talk about reality and make plans?

What other purpose can a word serve than to represent something in reality? And what other purpose a statement than to regard some action involving that something?

I want to climb the tree and get an apple. Can I do it?

The root of morality

Can I do it? But also important is: Who will stop me?

The most basic conflict is only ever a conflict between the interest of one person and another.

What can thoughts do to solve that problem? Nothing. Ultimately, the law of the jungle always decides.

Words can merely warn another person of the danger you pose.

And that is the point where language starts to become a weapon itself, where the first man becomes tempted to regard himself with words that do not describe him, associate himself with power he does not possess, in order to make others believe that he is an enemy they cannot beat.

Deception and status symbols are born.

In that most naive world that we may call reality, a man will train himself to discern reality from deception, believe only what he sees with his own eyes. He will challenge those that call a thing something it is not.

Yet today we live in a world where we have long lost touch with that most basic jungle morality.

It is a world in which people keep asking questions like Is this right, but the word right no longer represents a source of power that needs to be respected, no, it has become a god that people irrationally believe in, trying to figure out this god’s will.

People today no longer wonder what they want – they wonder what is right.

The bullshit lexicon

But right and morality is only one example.

Our language is a cemetery of words.

People bow to abstract concepts and empty words all the time. Some of these words may have had meaning once, others may have a meaning that no one knows and again others are simply vague and imprecise from the get-go, rendering them practically useless tools of deception and status.

Is that because somebody gave a name to something without defining exactly what he was referring to? Or is it because all those who came after him freely associated once meaningful words millionfold, until they became too vague to mean anything? I do not know.

Fact is, there is a whole bunch of bullshit words and thus thoughts that are utterly useless.

Words that don’t relate to anything real. They do not relate to anything you can touch, see, fuck, feel. They have nothing to do with what you want to do, nothing to do with action.

They are like sand in the gearing of your thoughts. They are imprecise and describe vague and abstract ideas.

They are akin to ghosts; invisible strings playing you like a marionette. They leave you paralyzed while you confusedly try to figure out what exactly they are supposed to mean.

Come think of it, if vague words dictate your life, how else can you make sense of your world than to agree with people on their meaning?

These words are all about agreement. About other people approving of you and your desires. 

Here you go

Moral / Right and Wrong: A bunch of rules that nobody agrees over. Useless bullshit word that has long lost any meaning.

Ethics: Same.

Note: I have written an own article about morality, which qualifies as one of the biggest problems in this regard.

Law: A piece of paper that lies around somewhere. It means absolutely nothing and changes absolutely nothing about reality. Why do people stop when they see a red light?

Worthiness. What the hell is that? People use it in the context “worthy to …”. It seems to be some kind of status symbol or rule, like right. People tell you you are worthy all the time, and then you are afraid to alienate them for they might not say it anymore. But what does it really mean? Is it some kind of skill? A trait? An emotion? Or is it simply just another invisible god that people irrationally believe in, hoping they will be deemed worthy? What is worthiness?

Self-love. Love myself. But what if I am a piece of shit? How illogical. And am I supposed to love myself all the time? Or half the day? Each minute? Must I be terrified of the idea of not loving myself for a second of the day? In panic?

Self-esteem. Comes from estimate, I think. How well do I estimate I am? What, generally? Or regarding a special skill? Again, all the time?

Relationship: How do I get into a relationship? God, I need to get into a relationship! No, don’t ever simply think about what you want to do with a person, you need to achieve something that satisfies the undefined standard of a relationship. What is it supposed to be? Some kind of invisible tie between two people? You have to be very religious to believe that.

Friendship: Same here. What exactly is it that you do when you want to be someone’s friend? What do you do once you are? Can you agree upon being friends? Do you even care about this person? Do you even have anything to talk about? What do you have to feel for them to be a friend and what do they have to feel for you? How can you ever know?

Equality: Ah, so women and men are the same. Weak and strong are the same. Smart and stupid are the same. And because they are the same, we need to treat them differently, so that they stay the same. Or… what the fuck?

Dominance: So what actions will you exactly take to carry the label dominant in any particular situation? Stalking your beloved?

Man: Is man the one who runs around growling or the gentleman holding open the door or is it the one who marries a woman and gives her a child?

Masculinity: Same.

Status: I need status! Yeah? What does that mean? What do you do to get it? How do you measure it?

Normalcy: What does that mean?

Mental illness: Are you being reasonable? Ah, better go check with the shrink, you seem like you are having weird thoughts.

Depravity: You are depraved! Wait, what? What is that? Doing something that some conservative fart doesn’t allow himself to do?

Creepiness: You scared some girl. Better kill yourself right now.

Strong: Ah, so is strength the little crying boy who demands to be given, the bossy girl with attitude or is it a guy with a lot of muscles? Is it possibly even crying? Now, now, to what lengths will you go to carry the label strong?

Don’t worry

You may have an image before your eyes when you hear those words.

Yet is that image clear? Is it associated with clearly definable actions and decisions in particular situations?

If not, what use is it to you?

You may have clear associations. Probably you have a clear idea about what a man is? Is it really that clear, though? Which of the internet gurus has the most precise idea about what a man should be? Will you keep searching for the right definition and having meaningless discussions about it instead of changing your life?

I am not trying to say that it is irrelevant to strive for the things you associate with those terms.

I am saying that these terms have grown too vague to be useful and that a man (oh, the irony) is well advised to look at reality instead of words. To know who he wants to be, how he wants to behave, what he wants to own in this world, in every moment.

And a part of seeing reality is to recognize that a word can not have a universal and precise meaning unless all people agree over it. And the only logical consequence for a man with self-respect must be to refuse to use such words to protect his sanity and save his time.

To not be a slave of a status symbol that has no (longer) unified meaning.

To stop convincing other people of your sight of things, while you only end up discussing the correct definition of a vague term.

To make your thoughts free of other people’s authority over definitions.

To stop engaging in mindless discussions where both people mean the same, but use completely different words.

To stop engaging in mindless discussions where both people disagree and try to convince the other person that they are right. Instead of saying: I want this. I take this. Try to stop me.

To be able to look at a girl who tells you that strong men cry and tell her that you don’t care about being strong. You care about behaving the way you want to behave.

To break free from endless headaches over the non-existent meaning of words like morality and right.

To not let the utterances of other people dictate your reality and sway your mind between polar opposites.

In a world in which the words weakness and strength are practically interchangeable, a man must distance himself from language and look at the world itself.

Language is a tool to get where you want. When it stops serving you, you need to stop using it.

Next time you are confused about a statement, take a moment to go over the used words. Do they all represent things you can touch or do? Do they represent a real danger that should keep you from doing something or is it just crying weaklings clinging to phantoms?

Throw off the shackles. Join me in this most pure materialism.

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  • Damn Tom,

    There were a lot of gems in here.

    This one is my favorite,
    Here I am. What do I do?
    Boom.

    You did a great job putting into words the mode by which I live, desire. That is all their really is. What I want, and what I am going to do to get it. Everything else is tertiary.

    Yes, I am agreeing with you. But from where I stand, and where I have stood, this is the best path anyone can take. You are right in saying words get in the way, if we let them. The trick is overcoming the multitude of people saying otherwise. What makes the easy to do so is not assuming no one has authority over me. I am the ultimate authority. No matter where a person speaks from, it is just more words. Words I choose to interpret as I see fit in order to get closer to my desires.

    Now, what makes me the authority? I am having fun. I have no regrets. I do not make mistakes. I am always in control. Most importantly, I am living the life I choose to live. Of course someone on the outside could make a multitude of observations saying otherwise, but again, more words. Maybe I have sold myself a good lie. Even so, it works. It is no different than the lies or morality, justice, honor, or commitment, except for the fact that my lie is expansive, and these lies are restrictive.

    What has changed since you have come to this understanding?

    Andrew

    • What has changed? Well, my thinking has become clearer to an extent where I feel like I can start to go out and try to understand the world. I feel much better prepared for discussions now, as I attempt to visualize the real things behind the sentences people write.

      Words I choose to interpret as I see fit in order to get closer to my desires.

      I have trouble with that. If you interpret it any way you want, you could just as well never have heard it. I would agree if you said that you took the literal information out of what people say and decided what to do with it. But that is merely a freedom of judgment, not of the necessity to coherently understand an idea. If you can interpret the words, they already do not have a firm meaning. I feel that a lot of artists nowadays use this as a loophole to create the appearance of profundity through ambiguousness.

      Have you sold yourself a lie? If so, what was that lie about? Was the lie that you can be free of any commitment? Or was it that you want to? And maybe there was no lie. People are so different. All those names for various psychological disorders paint a picture of normalcy that is vague to me. Look at psychopaths, fascinating people; how they explore what you could call “dark” human traits with innocent curiosity, due to a lack of guilt and a high tolerance for fear and pain. Sure, I would not want them as my enemies – that would not be wise – but to learn from them, there is a chance to do that.

      But to come back to lies: Do you really have no regrets? Or do you consider regrets such a stupid thing that you have learned to not even notice them anymore when your organism has them? I find myself guilty of being and having been grossly out of touch with my own emotions, because I considered them pathetic. Now, I feel like they are like a little child that needs to be taken care of. I will publish an article about it.

      Not to say of course that my mistakes apply in any way to you, that would be projecting. If you are happy, I am the more joyful for not having to feel pity. How selfish, is it not.

      Best,
      Tom

      • Micah Geni

        I find myself guilty of being and having been grossly out of touch with
        my own emotions, because I considered them pathetic. Now, I feel like
        they are like a little child that needs to be taken care of.

        Maybe this is “growing up without a father/role model”. I wouldn’t know. Im in the same boat. “How to take care of the little boy”.

        I will
        publish an article about it.

        Cool..

        Mike (Nowadays working as a (biblical) prophet :) )

        • “How to take care of the little boy”

          Annoying, is it not. Sometimes, I feel like it is more of a little girly bitch.

          Not much interested in MLK, but what are those books about? Something to do with racism, I reckon. Please elaborate.

          • Micah Geni

            The first (which is supposed to be her second ?), set the standard for the civil rights and equality (race) back in the 50s. Then 60 years later, out of nowhere, comes the more nuanced and quite differently angled Go set…, which was supposed to have been written before the first ? (go figure…) and suddenly “discovered” in the script version in a safe (stuck in the middle of nowhere ? ) that wasn’t hers.. And she is still alive, 90+ of age.. Yet this woman, never told anyone about that script ? So it took them 60 years to find it, accidently ?

            Mocking bird is the most read book in the US, after the bible. I think they have labeled it the most influental on political agendas/matters. It is on the curriculum of every american school.. Go figure again :)… Dubious… Is someone trying to change the “moral” by releasing that last book of “hers”… It is weird…

            Weird world.

            (what is MLK?)

            If you’d need a break from yourself, there is a lot of weird stuff going on all around there world these days.. Splendid spookie shit to ponder about :)

          • MLK = Martin Luther King

            I have read neither, so I can say nothing about it. Should I put one of them on my list?

          • Micah Geni

            I dont know . I dont read shit like that. I just read about them.. Compare the very different perspectives and then how they came to exists etc… The circumstances… It seems rigged…

            Other rumours… IKEA Sweden the other day.. People have posted some private mobile pics.. Rumours are now saying it looks like the guy from Erithrea had chopped, or tried to chop off, the head of the murderes swedish female….. Silenced in the big media/papers..

            Then China today.. Did you see those explosions ? Who lit that container ? How the fuck did it end up among the gasoline tanks.. ? They want it to seem like an accident.. Yeaahh.. I bet they didnt have any rules at all at that company, about parking explosives next to gasoline…

            (I think that schizo-narc MLK was inspired by the mockingbird theme.. )

          • Haha, you fucking paranoid asshole. Man. Who cares? Let them all chop and blow each other to death, it is all the same to me.

            Do they try to hide something? Yeah, so what. I do not need to know everything.

            Do I care about rigged media? No. That would only betray a wish to be able to blindly trust in it. I really do not trust almost anyone nowadays.

            There are a few people who make sense to me, from time to time. Mike Cernovich. Chris from GLL. My dad.

            The media could not possibly be of any use to me because I could not possibly trust it anyway. So I really do not care whether they say the truth or not. To find out, I would have to spend time that I can spend on perfecting some skill.

            Although, bombs are cool.

          • Micah Geni

            Paranoid is the person, who does not dare to see what is obvious in from of him/her….

            It is like an IQ-test. Finding a solution is pointless. meaningless. Yet the process itself, is rather interesting (Or maybe it is just dead boring to be to broke to be able to have (buy) some external fun)

            You should find some videos from China. It was hefty. Looked like Hiroshima.

          • Somewhat abstract assertion. Not sure what to make of it.

            The process, yeah, it is the fun of playing with pattern recognition of your brain. I think you glorify it way over its value, but it is still fun. Try to close your eyes and find rough, cloudy patterns in the black noise. Do it for some time and watch how those rough shapes transform into all kinds of forms.

            Awesome explosion, thanks for the tip. Nothing like Hiroshima, though. Come visit me some day; we may go to the forest and blow up something.

          • Micah Geni

            Hhaha,.,,, Fat chance. I bet Gestapo is already on to you :). I’ll borrow you matches, if you bring them back..

            Hehe.. you were expecting Hiroshima II.. Cute.. It was rather blasty though

          • I remember blowing up a pipe bomb with a friend in the forest. We were hiding behind plexiglass about 20 meters away. Soil came raining down on us. Went to the site of explosion, looked at the hole in the ground. One of us asked: Where is the pipe? The other said: In heaven. The first again: Let us hope it does not come back down.

          • Micah Geni

            “How to take care of the little boy”

            Annoying, is it not. Sometimes, I feel like it is more of a little girly bitch.

            To some degree I don’t really care. Other times, I do. I don’t know. I try to focus on myself. Society wanted my psychopathic mother (or rather schizo, at least very much on the border. She had her good days…) to have full custody.. Not interfering when she denied my father to see us.. So here I am.. the product of that “perfect illusion and legislation”.. “Female liberty… Womens right… ” yeahh…. fantastic…

            To some degree I am not my problem :) If you know what I mean. Then of course, one should try to make the best out of what is given. Basically childhood taught me that no one gives a fuck about me anyway, so I must give a fuck about my self a bit more, while behaving decently/kind of properly.

            I still wonder how much is due to childhood and how much is due to more genetical predetermined causes as strong will and IQ. I do know that I find socializing rather boring. Mostly because people in general are superficial without anything interesting to talk about, and without the guts to behave a little bit dary, flirty.. Some are interesting, but to scared to be political incorrect again, when in a group.. So it does quite fast become rather boring.. or repetitive.. I think I got the concept once, when I was a lot younger. Then I think I found it pointless, and now I have forgotten what it was all about..

            What is it about ? Feeling protected ? Ah.. fucking fairweather friends.. Most are gone anyway.. Having fun ? Well, I think that was the part I did find pointless.. Not being alone ? Aren’t we all alone anyway..

            Dunno. You tell me if you got soemthing

            I think Ill join a church here. I have a standing invitation to join them at their cafe-meetings.. They are nice people. Very deluded, but nice.. Some cute girls there too, that doesn’t fuck around with everyone.. Appeals to my inner/closet-INFP. And some of the older women i’ve talked with, arent that deluded either. They seem more to be just hanging onto that concept, for insurance reasons.. :p

          • Not interfering when she denied my father to see us

            A mother’s love is selfish as it gets. I will publish an article about it soon.

            To some degree I am not my problem :) If you know what I mean.

            I do not. But selfishness is great. You just have to do it the right way – knowing what you actually want.

            Yeah, I too have started to wonder how much is genetical. Maybe, in the end, there is nobody and nothing to blame but random chance. But the more I improve – through rational insight and experience – the more I believe that proper guidance can make all the difference. So many questions I spend months wondering about which a father could have answered in half an hour.

            Are people boring? I do not know. I thought so, but maybe it was a rationalization. Maybe it was just me who was not daring to explore more interesting things with them – why give them the responsibility for something I did not really do differently? The more I learn, the more I find out how little I know. So, ironically, the more I learn about people, the less I realize I know.

            Sometimes, the desire to learn more about something comes from realizing that one does not already know everything.

          • Micah Geni

            Maybe it was just me who was not daring to explore more interesting things with them – If you never have, probably..

            But after that, you will get tired of always playing the leading role.. Things do become very available, yet you stop desiring them. One starts to go more inwards and fly higher… Like : How does the world really work ? What is random and what is short term and LT-strategy… Then again, if I was a millionaire, I’d probably be on a beach on Cuba smokng a cigar, chatting with a bimbo, with a beer next to me…. Wishing that sweet girl was a lot smarter, than :) But there is always music to listen too.

            I think the are genetical factors, as for instance intelligence, hormones and then some. For outliers in those factors, environment does play a very big role. For instance a guy told me the other day, that the most bright kids in our schools, tend to succeed more despite of their IQ, than because of it, the way our schools are run.
            They often go to jail, drugs or psychiatry. Some do succeed though.

          • Quite possible. Have to try.

            Yeah, intelligence is not what the world is wired for. It is not feasible, anyway. If you created a system that accommodates the top 10%, what would the rest do?

            For your enjoyment:
            http://www.julijonasurbonas.lt/p/euthanasia-coaster/

          • Micah Geni

            I agree. The big pile of mediocracy must come first.

            But there could have been something you know…. Like being allowed to skip a year or two… Not being stopped and yelled at for being “(ADHD)”/noisy and rude…

          • It is not really about what must be. It is more about the fact that the big pile just is the majority and most of the majority simply do not care for minorities. Especially not if the minority has something they can be jealous of.

            Not getting any pity for free in this world. You have to earn it through being really miserable, meek and worthless. And / or a fag.

          • Micah Geni

            … or multiculti…

            Coaster was a good read.. Gee.. Suddenly I looked back on my life and felt as going nowhere and in a hurry..

            Biggest regret so far. The denial, despite what my family told me, that the game of the western world is a psychopaths playground.. If I had really realised it at least in my early 20s, I’d be a lot better off now by just playing the game.

          • Yeah, I know that train of thought. Fuck it. Either do something you want to do or do nothing. It is always your choice.

            Have a drink, my friend. Just made myself a White Russian. Cheers.

          • Micah Geni

            Cheers :)

      • That kind of clarity is awesome. I am interested to see what you learn.

        I like your point about interpretation of words. I am going to mull on that a little more.

        I really do not have regrets, for just the reason you have stated. It is stupid to get hung up on that which I cannot change.

        I think everyone needs to be a bit more selfish.

        • everyone needs to be a bit more selfish.

          I have to rephrase this: Everyone needs to understand the nature of his own selfishness.