When I mean waking up, I mean it literally. I woke up this morning and I had the sensation that I had lost my mind. That I had been living with my ability to think for so long – yet occasionally, I could not shake off that feeling that I didn’t really know what I was doing. The feeling that there was no real coherent concept behind my thinking, nounderlying framework below all my thoughts, rendering them more akin to bubbles surfacing in a boiling soup.
The feeling that my thinking was random and, in a way, pointless. That I very often was confronted with simple decisions and could not make them.
Occasionally, I would be in a sort of flow. That would be when in an argument about something I had concerned myself with. My intellect would make lots of connections and spit out ideas; in these situations, I would feel great. Yet other times, when idle, I would consider thinking about something and realize that I couldn’t even really tell what thinking was or how to do it.
Sometimes I would have other people agree with me and feel great, yet wonder at the same time why they didn’t dig deeper. Other times, I would argue with somebody and wonder why they couldn’t accept my idea.
Agreeing made me feel safe, made me feel like things make sense. Yet when somebody disagreed, I could not always explain why I was so convinced they were wrong.
All in all, letting these observations sink in, made me believe I had lost my mind. That’s the feeling I went to sleep with yesterday and it frightened me more deeply than much of what I can remember. After having always been told I was intelligent and being proud of it, I had to admit that I was deeply confused and felt like I had no control over my life.
When I woke up, the feeling had grown worse, more resembling conviction.
I admitted defeat.
I admitted to myself that I had no idea what so many discussions and ideas were really about and I really don’t remember the last time I felt so powerless. I had no idea what the truth was.
But the moment I stopped fighting my lack of understanding, something curious happened.
I looked around myself, at my room, at my hands, out of the window. An idea entered my mind.
The questions I ask can only be as clear as the words I use to ask them.
And what is the most basic fundamental question, underlying all others?
It is: Here I am. What do I do?
At this point, I understood my feeling of going insane. And woke up to reality.
Reality etymologically stems from the late latin word realis, meaning relating to things. The real world consists of all the things around you.
As I lay in my bed, looking around and wondering what the point of life was, it became clear to me that it is all about reality. About now.
Look around yourself. What do you see?
And be disciplined: I do not ask what you imagine to see. Not what you think is behind the corner, or a person you may meet later, or a memory of yesterday, no, only the most immediate and direct perception of your surroundings.
Now, what do you want to do in this world?
That’s the only fucking thing that matters.
How do I know? Because thought and reason can only ever be guided by intent. By desire. By a wish.
Without a desired outcome, reason can not exist. Without a desired outcome, no question can be asked, no direction given, no decision made.
If your reason is not dictated by your own desire, it can only be dictated by the desires of other people.
And reality is the only thing that you share with other people. All the things around you. Everything that can be seen and touched.
What other questions can you ever ask then: What do I want to do? Who must I fight to be able to do it? Am I strong enough and capable to do what I want to do? Who else wants to do the thing that I want to do?
What else can you wish from life than a direction, a task, a purpose? What other purpose can language serve than to talk about reality and make plans?
What other purpose can a word serve than to represent something in reality? And what other purpose a statement than to regard some action involving that something?
I want to climb the tree and get an apple. Can I do it?
The root of morality
Can I do it? But also important is: Who will stop me?
The most basic conflict is only ever a conflict between the interest of one person and another.
What can thoughts do to solve that problem? Nothing. Ultimately, the law of the jungle always decides.
Words can merely warn another person of the danger you pose.
And that is the point where language starts to become a weapon itself, where the first man becomes tempted to regard himself with words that do not describe him, associate himself with power he does not possess, in order to make others believe that he is an enemy they cannot beat.
Deception and status symbols are born.
In that most naive world that we may call reality, a man will train himself to discern reality from deception, believe only what he sees with his own eyes. He will challenge those that call a thing something it is not.
Yet today we live in a world where we have long lost touch with that most basic jungle morality.
It is a world in which people keep asking questions like Is this right, but the word right no longer represents a source of power that needs to be respected, no, it has become a god that people irrationally believe in, trying to figure out this god’s will.
People today no longer wonder what they want – they wonder what is right.
The bullshit lexicon
But right and morality is only one example.
Our language is a cemetery of words.
People bow to abstract concepts and empty words all the time. Some of these words may have had meaning once, others may have a meaning that no one knows and again others are simply vague and imprecise from the get-go, rendering them practically useless tools of deception and status.
Is that because somebody gave a name to something without defining exactly what he was referring to? Or is it because all those who came after him freely associated once meaningful words millionfold, until they became too vague to mean anything? I do not know.
Fact is, there is a whole bunch of bullshit words and thus thoughts that are utterly useless.
Words that don’t relate to anything real. They do not relate to anything you can touch, see, fuck, feel. They have nothing to do with what you want to do, nothing to do with action.
They are like sand in the gearing of your thoughts. They are imprecise and describe vague and abstract ideas.
They are akin to ghosts; invisible strings playing you like a marionette. They leave you paralyzed while you confusedly try to figure out what exactly they are supposed to mean.
Come think of it, if vague words dictate your life, how else can you make sense of your world than to agree with people on their meaning?
These words are all about agreement. About other people approving of you and your desires.
Here you go
Moral / Right and Wrong: A bunch of rules that nobody agrees over. Useless bullshit word that has long lost any meaning.
Note: I have written, which qualifies as one of the biggest problems in this regard.
Law: A piece of paper that lies around somewhere. It means absolutely nothing and changes absolutely nothing about reality. Why do people stop when they see a red light?
Worthiness. What the hell is that? People use it in the context “worthy to …”. It seems to be some kind of status symbol or rule, like right. People tell you you are worthy all the time, and then you are afraid to alienate them for they might not say it anymore. But what does it really mean? Is it some kind of skill? A trait? An emotion? Or is it simply just another invisible god that people irrationally believe in, hoping they will be deemed worthy? What is worthiness?
Self-love. Love myself. But what if I am a piece of shit? How illogical. And am I supposed to love myself all the time? Or half the day? Each minute? Must I be terrified of the idea of not loving myself for a second of the day? In panic?
Self-esteem. Comes from estimate, I think. How well do I estimate I am? What, generally? Or regarding a special skill? Again, all the time?
Relationship: How do I get into a relationship? God, I need to get into a relationship! No, don’t ever simply think about what you want to do with a person, you need to achieve something that satisfies the undefined standard of a relationship. What is it supposed to be? Some kind of invisible tie between two people? You have to be very religious to believe that.
Friendship: Same here. What exactly is it that you do when you want to be someone’s friend? What do you do once you are? Can you agree upon being friends? Do you even care about this person? Do you even have anything to talk about? What do you have to feel for them to be a friend and what do they have to feel for you? How can you ever know?
Equality: Ah, so women and men are the same. Weak and strong are the same. Smart and stupid are the same. And because they are the same, we need to treat them differently, so that they stay the same. Or… what the fuck?
Dominance: So what actions will you exactly take to carry the label dominant in any particular situation? Stalking your beloved?
Man: Is man the one who runs around growling or the gentleman holding open the door or is it the one who marries a woman and gives her a child?
Status: I need status! Yeah? What does that mean? What do you do to get it? How do you measure it?
Normalcy: What does that mean?
Mental illness: Are you being reasonable? Ah, better go check with the shrink, you seem like you are having weird thoughts.
Depravity: You are depraved! Wait, what? What is that? Doing something that some conservative fart doesn’t allow himself to do?
Creepiness: You scared some girl. Better kill yourself right now.
Strong: Ah, so is strength the little crying boy who demands to be given, the bossy girl with attitude or is it a guy with a lot of muscles? Is it possibly even crying? Now, now, to what lengths will you go to carry the label strong?
You may have an image before your eyes when you hear those words.
Yet is that image clear? Is it associated with clearly definable actions and decisions in particular situations?
If not, what use is it to you?
You may have clear associations. Probably you have a clear idea about what a man is? Is it really that clear, though? Which of the internet gurus has the most precise idea about what a man should be? Will you keep searching for the right definition and having meaningless discussions about it instead of changing your life?
I am not trying to say that it is irrelevant to strive for the things you associate with those terms.
I am saying that these terms have grown too vague to be useful and that a man (oh, the irony) is well advised to look at reality instead of words. To know who he wants to be, how he wants to behave, what he wants to own in this world, in every moment.
And a part of seeing reality is to recognize that a word can not have a universal and precise meaning unless all people agree over it. And the only logical consequence for a man with self-respect must be to refuse to use such words to protect his sanity and save his time.
To not be a slave of athat has no (longer) unified meaning.
To stop convincing other people of your sight of things, while you only end up discussing the correct definition of a vague term.
To make your thoughts free of other people’s authority over definitions.
To stop engaging in mindless discussions where both people mean the same, but use completely different words.
To stop engaging in mindless discussions where both people disagree and try to convince the other person that they are right. Instead of saying: I want this. I take this. Try to stop me.
To be able to look at a girl who tells you that strong men cry and tell her that you don’t care about being strong. You care about behaving the way you want to behave.
To break free from endless headaches over the non-existent meaning of words likeand .
To not let the utterances of other people dictate your reality and.
In a world in which the words weakness and strength are practically interchangeable, a man must distance himself from language and look at the world itself.
Language is a tool to get where you want. When it stops serving you, you need to stop using it.
Next time you are confused about a statement, take a moment to go over the used words. Do they all represent things you can touch or do? Do they represent a real danger that should keep you from doing something or is it just crying weaklings clinging to phantoms?
Throw off the shackles. Join me in this most pure materialism.