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How to deal with failure – Part 3: Success and courage

So I’m not running from inner emptiness anymore. For now. Incidentally, if you honestly stop running from it and surrender, it merely hits you in the face a few times and leaves. The feeling of guilt, if you don’t act on it, slowly ebbs and subsides. Thus, with time, you learn to not let these emotions control you – for they are temporary. And when you learn that they are temporary, you may even stop noticing them. You may become a shameless anti-hero.

But make the mistake and excuse yourself for your behavior, make the mistake of being nice or not honest to avoid the emptiness. Make the mistake and the regret will eat you up forever. You know that this is true, don’t you? One advice: Rather do nothing than doing something to please. Doing nothing is cowardly, but begging for acceptance is contemptible.


When I kiss a girl, this is a part success to me. Yet, a man will say that this is nonsense. And he’s right. For I didn’t aim to merely kiss the girl, I had aimed to fuck her. And I failed.

First of all, you can be glad about the kiss, but telling yourself that it was enough is merely your own brains method of protesting against the certainty that it was not.

See what happens? Your brain is such a fucking addict to self-esteem and pride that it will take anything that comes along the way. Even Dale Carnegie knew that a man’s most important need is his need to feel important. When I asked the otherwise unfriendly government office guy how his holiday had went, he became the most happy person on the world.

Yet if your goal was to sleep with her, you should be hard on yourself. Here’s why.

Peace of mind

If you accept the compromise to feel good about having kissed her, your brain will come back time and time again to re-evaluate the situation. In times of happiness, you will think back to the memory haply. In times of emptiness, you will think back in the hope for a confidence boost, but your depressed brain will only find another proof of failure.

Thus: If something is not a success, file it as failure. Why? Peace of mind. It seems counterintuitive, but readily accepting failure is the most liberating thing you can do. If you can simply forgo your wish to extract self-esteem from an event that was not a definite success, you will be able to forget it and move on.

There is a lot of “see the great things in your life“-talk going around and I think it’s bullshit. It may be a good technique to leave the stress of a workday behind or to forget a small argument with a friend, but it will do shit against depression. When I am depressed, it is usually because I don’t see a future in my life. Seeing the great things in my life does nothing to alleviate that pain. My brain discards the advice before it has even read it. For me, this works better: No one is coming. But, you could also slightly modify the sentence and say search for existing proof that you can advance your life.


Another angle is this: If you say you want X, but only get Y, it’s easy to say okay. But think about the thing you are learning subconsciously:

  1. A compromise is okay.
  2. I don’t have the motivation to go further.

Good bargain, eh? You get something and get to be happy about it. But. Next time you have a strong desire for something big, your subconscious will tell you: You know that you will never bring it that far. You could just as well be happy with what you have now, since you have no standards on what to be satisfied with.

Think about it. If your goals are not definite, what is? It’s like making compromises on a diet – the reason why I see everybody fail to lose weight. First time, it’s an exception. But if the first time was okay, how could the second be not? Where do you draw the line? Likewise, where do you compromise? If you compromise for a kiss the first time, you may be fine with a handshake the next time and with a smile the third time. In the end, you won’t even care to leave the house.

Draw the line exactly where your goal is. Do not draw self-esteem from half-victories.

That said, one of those kisses was the most beautiful moment in my life. But despite it’s beauty, which can serve as motivation, I must not use it as a foundation for my self-esteem. If you follow this, you will also not be mad about a girl with whom something could have happened. Only accept absolute success as the foundation of your confidence. Everything else is nice-to-have.

This no-half-things approach will also give you a lot of drive. In a way, it is the equivalent of the NoFap-philosophy. Only accept release through the real thing. Because, if you accept release along the way, you will lack the energy and motivation to go on. Merely regret will stay.

Clarification: This doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t be willing to have, for example, sex with anything but dream women on your way. It just means: Do not let your final goal be substituted by something different. Regarding high goals, it is probably even healthy to set intermediate goals.

On courage

Rock border

When I climbed over the railing to the edge of the rock and sat down, letting my feet dangle a hundred feet above the ground, a group of kids cried out in awe: Sir, aren’t you afraid? You are so courageous. It seemed totally stupid to me. Sitting there was the most natural thing to do. I asked them what I should be afraid of. I invited them to join me. Yet they wouldn’t even dare to climb over the railing. Didn’t care to pity them, but that was still very peculiar. But even I didn’t dare to jump to the next rock five feet away.

When I asked the nurse at the doctor’s place for sex, I didn’t feel heroic. I was terrified, even if very direct. I failed miserably as far as I care to judge it. I felt defeated and empty afterwards. It reminded me of a time when I had went into the park to talk to girls, cold approach. That had been terrifying, too, but just as successless by absolute evaluation. I told that to a friend who actually is quite good with women and he told me: Man, that takes balls. And I thought: But I failed. Who cares? In the end, I merely did what I had been able to do. I didn’t overcome myself.

I was having this thought today and realized how stupid it was. I was again thinking in movies. I had imagined that courage meant to do something that had been previously impossible for you to do. Because you see the movie hero save the world and think: If I was courageous, I could do this. But that’s stupid. Why would I be able to do something very well if I had no practice? Courage has nothing to do with being superhuman. We do not rise to the occasion, but rather fall back to our level of training. And if one could really do it well, would it even be courageous? Was I being courageous when I was admired by the kids? No, it was normal for me. Asking the nurse for sex was courageous because I had to open myself up and actually show and see myself for who I was. I did something I was terrified of doing: Finding out what I actually can do.

Unlike in movies, courage is not automatically rewarded in real life. In real life, only success is rewarded – but that phrase is a bit redundant as success is the reward. That does not mean that courage is irrelevant. It is a sign of self-respect and it will bring you forward in life. It will help you to stand by your values. But do not think that courage is a feeling – the feeling comes only afterward.

Courage is a decision.

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  • Mikey Mike

    Im not quoting anything. There were quite a few.

    As much as I love your “writings”. (Fuck I am listening to a song… Ya llego, ya llego, lo peor de la rumba. El Manu Chao… 59 minutes into the best concert ever https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J1FSpzFEfwM)

    Your issue is still related to narcissism. You seem to value your self in what you achieve in relation to other human beings. Who the fuck are you ? That is what you need to know….

    Ya llegao ya llegao… El Manu Chao….

  • Mikey Mike

    Life is basically just a fucking lottery. Your dealt your hand, and just play it well. You have been dealt some good shit. If you fly above some meters, I think you may become a professional writer. As in WRITER….. And a fucking good one… Fly above and get your narcissism into Karl Ove Knausgård mode. With a new twitch of course

    2.02 La Vida Tombola (lottery of life…. If I was Maradona)…

    (My hand is to be an analyst. That is basically what I have done since being 3 years old. I wish I was a writer. So there you go)

    • That’s right, I even have a virtual groupie already – see the first part of the article.

      Know what, this narcissism bullshit is only a hindrance. Narcissism as in overbearing pride makes you meek and manipulable, but indifferent selfish arrogance is the founding stone of confidence. ‘Will somebody call me narcissistic if I do act on my aggressive instincts now?’ Frankly, who gives a fuck.

      Consider the great minds that swam against the stream. We hold them in honor today, but who knows, back then they may have been labeled mentally ill. It sounds like a cliche, but what is a mental illness but behavior and thinking that deviates from the expectations of those around you? Feel hurt by a ‘narcissist’? Well, get away from then, then. Take some fucking responsibility for your life.

      If a narcissist gets everything out of life that he wants, why wouldn’t you want to be one? For the acknowledgement of … whom actually? Fuck it if my success hurts anyone. They have the same chances I do. Is that a rationalization for me not acknowledging my deep wish for a peaceful life full of happiness and harmony for everybody? Nah, I do acknowledge it. It is easy to acknowledge that. Easy and lazy and impossible to satisfy. Life is messy and you gotta start appreciating it eventually.

  • Mikey Mike


  • Mikey Mike

    I was blocked as a user at document.no, It is supposed to be a right side shit. I was posting something abut me being diagnosed and me knowing the friends from childhood of the prince of norway. And then something about the real reason. “Username is blocked” lol. It is a conspiracy. Everything. But those friend, were good people.

    ISIS is a tool. Gather all the psychopaths in once place. NIce strategy. Even Putin would be behind it. And then guess what.
    We should just not speculate about it

  • Mikey Mike

    As a true INTP if you are , then dig into it . These people running the system, who i have studied along with and have asked me for help to fix their math, they are not stupid nor bad. It is a fucking big TRAP

  • Mikey Mike

    Yah. If they can pull it through without a Bush as a president… Cool J mentioned it.. And I fcking agree

  • Mikey Mike

    I think i fucking know the Western plan. It does make fucking sense. II am being sensured writing about it. Despite the fact that I actually agree. It is fucking “sick” but correct. I am fucking moving to Spain mate. I need to enjoy life. Keep the fuck on writing. You have a talent for it. It is nice reading you stories from the Jungle. I am just another fucking analyst.

  • Tom,

    This was a great post. I have disagreements with it, but anything I would say would be redundant as I am sure you know what I would say. The key to your success in life lies in your own pursuit of truth. This truth is ultimately a narrative unique to you, but you are the only person who matters. Eventually you will discover the theme of your own story, just as I have. Our stories will be different for sure, but that is the beauty of life. We all have the ability to invent the rules of the game of life we play, while subsequently mastering them. I am looking forward to more.