A place for a


A warrior on LSD

A friend gave me a small portion of LSD and I am tripping now. I am making interesting observations in this state of mind, but I think that I may well come to the conclusion that it’s not worth doing this again – for already having mastered this challenge. Therefore it’s surely worth taking a few notes.

The reason why I took LSD is to face off once more with the terror that left me almost nuts after my Ayahuasca ceremony.

Playing with this drug feels like being challenged by a strong opponent in the game of frame control. I feel like I am walking on the edge of something dangerous. My ability to distinguish my self from the challenge and fear seems crucial, as much as the conscious knowledge of the fact that I chose the fear and the weird thoughts that encounter me.

I feel on top of it, owning it, and from there stems my courage.

Yet I know that it is only a small step down from this confidence towards crippling fear as I had experienced it after my first naive encounter with psychedelic drugs.

If I had to describe further, I would need to delve into the weirdness of some perceptions that I only really see reflected in the art of those who have too visited the world of the psychedelics.

It’s a colorful world of chaos, alternating between nauseating glory and heart-crushing ugliness.

My first time, the experience had overwhelmed me in a way that made it impossible for me to reconcile it with anything I knew about the world. It left me deeply terrified.

Yet I feel that I have run from it. And now, having come back, even though with a lighter dose, I feel this murmur in my stomach again, this fear of freaked-out weirdness into which the world can turn.

It helps to be prepared. Nothing can be worse than what I experienced the first time, so I feel prepared for anything. A calming thought. I feel on top of it and not like a slave of it.

I think it’s because the first time, you don’t have any idea what to expect of things. All you can do is perceive. Such it is with everything in life and such it is with the first spectacular successes or failures with girls. You can’t but feel helpless in face of an emotional world that does not yet make sense. Yet as you gain experience, you learn to know what to expect and not to fear or suppress certain urges and sentiments.

A naive mistake may be to always search for this once more. For the virtue of not understanding – and not having to. And maybe understanding is nothing more than knowing what to expect and what to do about it. This understanding turns a dangerous, incomprehensible world of chaos into a controllable place worth living in. Through a mere switch of the mind.

Peace & Harmony

There is a sense of being one with the world that feels like it is pulsating out of chest, disrupted only by outer sources of distraction – cars, people who don’t share your mood.

There is a sense of “this is right” and “the world would be a peaceful place if everybody was in this state”.

I don’t know if it is true. Maybe that’s another choice to make, but maybe our genes make the decision for us.

My friend says he believes that there is a type of evil people. Those who are subdued and rejected by civilization, but find themselves together in cults like ISIS, to live out their need for evilness.

I feel out of place, but I can’t deny or lie about what I feel: I am one of those people.

I want conflict. I want to fight. I want to dominate life and compete for resources. I like pain, it reminds me I am alive.

These words make me sound like the stereotype lone wolf caricatured by some wannabe psychologist twats who will do anything to prove how they can help. Help with what exactly? The man who wants your help, is either no man or he is playin’ ya. I know I would.

With that sense of oneness with my surroundings and that freaky fear-joy-vibrating emotion, I notice something which I think many are not aware or honest enough to acknowledge. The thing that poses the whole danger of these kinds of drugs.

It actually feels cool. You can actually enjoy being in this state and being torn apart by your emotions. It’s easy. It feels deep. It feels free and real. Yet it’s not necessarily right.

It may be all too easy to start assuming that drugs are showing you the real world – while the real world is a lie. To start becoming a vegetable who knows: If only everybody was a vegetable like me, there would be no need for conflict.


The challenging thing is: Once you have seen the world from that perspective, from this oneness with everything, you are faced with a choice.

Which of both worlds is the real? The world of the winners in which druggies are weak vegetables? Or the world of the vegetables, where winners are a relict from the past, unnecessary and unwanted.

The frame control

A few times while writing this article, I trailed off when the display of the computer started to contort. The black keys I press seem to spread like drops of black liquid on the silver surface of my Macbook Air.

I think I was afraid of becoming the victim of this weirdness. Maybe I was rather afraid of my wish to be it’s victim.

Because being a victim is easy. It’s actually comfortable – but you only realize that when you decide not to be one anymore.

Not being a victim means to be in control. Yet to be in control leaves you with little room to be swept and surprised. That’s the price to pay for dominance.

In a way, playing with this drug is like playing with a girl.

As long as I own the moment, it is perfect fun. But in the moment I start having expectations, pushing for a direction that might not present itself, everything goes to shit. I become a slave and everything changes.

With frame control, you aren’t really fighting a girls confidence. Or the drugs strength.

You are fighting your own wish to submit to the drug. Your wish to let it become your world.

And there’s only one valid reason not to submit: purpose.

Surely this is the reason why psychedelics are used as rites of passage in some cultures. As tests of manhood, as tests of wisdom and as tests of strength of character. Will you choose yourself and the struggle of life? Or will you choose the comfortable happy world of the drug? Will you be strong enough to face the dark side?

The dark side

I can see how a bad trip could start again. I am not in perfect mood now. When I was with my friend or looked at myself in the mirror, I felt like things were being stripped of their humanness.

Like the functions of pleasing and socializing were stripped off our faces and I could see even myself as the alien thing I am – free from any attachment or pride that could taint my perception of myself, make me ignore my faults. Maybe the most direct and hard way to find yourself. Hard because it doesn’t come gradually.

But it’s not only being exposed to traits of my character that I don’t like. Or flaws of my body, no. It’s being exposed to the flaws and fragility of your very biology itself. I imagine to see the bones underneath my skin, the blood in tubes above, the mechanics of my body, myself as a machine. What about the soul, asks my friend.

This vision is was what I wanted, but it is an act of balance to not get lost in it. Not to give in to the wish to not look, not see, to be the victim of your perception. It is a challenge, but I must stay on top of it and remember where I am headed. Only now I finally seem to understand why every shaman tells you to go into such a trip with a purpose, with a question. It is a guide, an anchor to the world you came from, to remind you of the life you are trying to improve instead of accepting the trip itself as life.

I can also see how this trip could be used for pure leisure, if accompanied with beautiful imagery and music.

Yet that is not what I came for. I came to know if I can master the darkness inside me that has overwhelmed me last time. I came back because I was sure I could. And I can. Often, struggle is only where you care to imagine it.

To remember yourself and your purpose against a challenge. To distinguish between yourself and your purpose against the challenge. Between the challenge and your life, in the heat of the moment.

To know even in the darkest moments your own mind as the free agent who chose to engage in these.

To seek happiness not solely in pleasure, but in mastery. Because if pleasure is all it takes, what reason is there not to become a bitch of the first best thing that comes around?

To own the moment.

Should the drugs make me esoteric? Make me believe in spirits or indulge in whatever I can’t explain and relish being terrorized by the incomprehensible? No. The challenge is not to let them do that. The challenge of psychedelics is not to lose your mind – that’s not challenging. The challenge is to keep your rationality despite having seen your mind explore the wickedness of a mad universe. To notice when it happens.

It feels good to be challenged if one has a purpose. Yet I must not let this kind of challenge become my life. It is a pleasure to be challenged, after all. And pleasure is not as important as purpose.

Such must be the mastery of frame control. Of being a man. And I am pleasured to be a student of this art.

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  • One thing that helps is to remember that it goes in waves of supreme energy and then to sublime relaxation. If you fight either one with the activity of the other…

    “You’re gonna have a bad time…”

    • Great comment, Grody. Come think of it: This applies not only to tripping. In a way, tripping is only an exaggerated version of normal life anyway, isn’t it? That concept warrants an article in and of itself.

  • Mikey Mike

    “Which of both worlds is the real? The world of the winners in which druggies are weak vegetables? Or the world of the vegetables, where winners are a relict from the past, unnecessary and unwanted.”

    Gee does that one sound familiar…

    MI-theory states 9 types of intelligence. You may be a high scorer on introspective as well as existential intelligence. It was a nice piece you wrote.

    You said something about the drug felt right.
    It isn’t the drug…. It is that you actually felt. You step out of that maquina state that school, society, “good advisors” and more, have wanted you to be in. For what purpose ? I don’t know, but it seems to make people “productive” in machinery terms.
    So the trip takes you back. Back to a wiser version of the 5 year old Tom that is yet to start school. The little boy who was both happy and worried a major part of each and every day. There was always something new. Something he didn’t know and had to learn and experience for the first time. So his emotions went both ways, very often. But that is why life was so interesting back then, when we were young (as some american band sings). We felt. We were alive and not mostly just passing by. Existing. No need to be drama queens, bad asses or anything. The world was interesting and hypnotizing by itself.. And that is why I think some “illnesses” as borderline PD, can be so hard to “cure”. And here is also a reason, which I suspect will not so easily be researched further with governmental research-support, why substance abuse and general int. /IQ correlate.

    It can be done without drugs. Music often helps. Techno parties can be great. The drugs are mostly an initiator. Think about this one. Is it paranoia what they call paranoia, or is it self entertaining in a otherwise to simple and emotionally dead world. “Rather feel worried than feeling nothing at all..”. I know a few who were proud of describing themselves as paranoid. One was the least paranoid, and probably also smartest, girl I ever been with. For sure the best fuck. I believe she was complicating mostly out of boredom. She was very smart, in several types of intelligence styles or definitions.

    An illustration of that last idea of mine: Rather feel worried so that I imagine myself I am helping myself by doing this utterly rotten and dead boring task, than just give a fuck about it, which will probably also turn out totally fine anyway. “Self discipline”, I might call it. The lady friend was full of that type of self-discipline. She wasn’t worried at all, but mostly bored and tired of most of the “normal and smart things you have to do in life”.
    “Rather be worried about what other people may think about me, so that I can be bothered to pay them attention at all, which is actually not something I really desire. I would prefer to be 10 miles away from the whole situation doing something else..”.. Aren’t we all deluded. And mostly by our own engines.

    If one takes the facade-narcissism out of the common modern robot, societies will collaps economically

    • Paranoia as self-entertainment, I like the idea. May be why my first trip went so awry.

      You know, at first I wanted to respond to you to leave me alone with that feeling-bullshit. But it’s true in a way. When I took the LSD, I decided to accept everything that would come. Only now do I realize that this decision is quite in contrast to what I do usually in life. Surely, there’s a lesson to learn. If I can accept the extreme version of life, in the end, why couldn’t I accept the normal one? Because it is more real? No, that would be fooling myself.

      Discipline is important, yes, but in the end, it comes from having a purpose and believing in being able to achieve it. As Nietzsche wrote: What a delicate and incredibly hard task to make human behavior predictable and controllable, so that one can make promises!

      Being consciously worried about what people think of me. That’s an interesting concept and it sounds really strange. But then again, much of what drives our daily behavior is quite strange and leads us to believe that human behavior is naturally illogical – when it is anything but. Being pissed at people and imagining oppressors can be quite intoxicating indeed – it is just not very productive and fulfilling.

      • Mikey Mike

        I don’t have your solution. You have it though. It isn’ IS, that I know.

        Discipline is important you say ? For who ? Who benefits from your discipline ? You ? (thoughts one in a political correct world, has to be cautiously about expressing if one desire some social life)

        I am pro-discipline (when I use it as much as possible only for myself :) )

        • No, IS is not the solution. I wouldn’t make for a great Moslem anyway, I’m afraid.
          For working towards your goals and put short-time pleasure behind long-term satisfaction. Not for others, of course not.
          Social life? Oh yeah, I knew something like that. Once. Can be quite cool.

          • Mikey Mike

            Glad to hear you’re considering anything way off :)

            Hey. I’m guessing about paranoia. It was just a bit strange, because she was every where around, at night life, when one would thought she would be afraid. She worried abut exams, but she was smart and always did better than expected. Kind of strange. So I am guessing

            Long term. It can be both for yourself and others. Some do find that mix, that goes both ways. Oneself and others. I wonder if it isn’t mostly about letting a bit go of the narcissism in us all. Not sure. Have an opinion ?

          • No, brother, I’m more the South-America-type, less the Saudi-Arabia-type.

            I have an opinion regarding narcissism. Read my new Jesus article for that.

            In fact, I think it is. But, from what I can tell, the letting go actually happens by letting it flow. So to speak. I think that when growing up, sometimes the mind gets stuck with an idea or two. LSD kinda forces it to get un-stuck.

            Have you tried psychedelics?

          • Mikey Mike

            Yes I have. When I was in my early 20s. I was already kind of lose in my head :p, so they were more a nice experiences than ground breaking. As I grew older, the need to feel as in control, grow a little stronger. A shame I didn’t retry then. I never got the chance. (I don’t seek out drugs. It happens basically if some person I know has something or know about someone).

            You mention go-with-flow. Yes. Letting-go-of-control is similar.

            I’ll def. check it out, your newest