A friend gave me a small portion of LSD and I am tripping now. I am making interesting observations in this state of mind, but I think that I may well come to the conclusion that it’s not worth doing this again –Therefore it’s surely worth taking a few notes.
Playing with this drug feels like being challenged by a strong opponent in the game of frame control. I feel like I am walking on the edge of something dangerous. My ability to distinguish my self from the challenge and fear seems crucial, as much as the conscious knowledge of the fact that I chose the fear and the weird thoughts that encounter me.
I feel on top of it, owning it, and from there stems my courage.
Yet I know that it is only a small step down from this confidence towards crippling fear as I had experienced it after my first naive encounter with psychedelic drugs.
If I had to describe further, I would need to delve into the weirdness of some perceptions that I only really see reflected in the art of those who have too visited the world of the psychedelics.
It’s a colorful world of chaos, alternating between nauseating glory and heart-crushing ugliness.
My first time, the experience had overwhelmed me in a way that made it impossible for me to reconcile it with anything I knew about the world. It left me deeply terrified.
Yet I feel that I have run from it. And now, having come back, even though with a lighter dose, I feel this murmur in my stomach again, this fear of freaked-out weirdness into which the world can turn.
It helps to be prepared. Nothing can be worse than what I experienced the first time, so I feel prepared for anything. A calming thought. I feel on top of it and not like a slave of it.
I think it’s because the first time, you don’t have any idea what to expect of things. All you can do is perceive. Such it is with everything in life and such it is with the first spectacular successes or failures with girls. You can’t but feel helpless in face of an emotional world that does not yet make sense. Yet as you gain experience, you learn to know what to expect and not to fear or suppress certain urges and sentiments.
A naive mistake may be to always search for this once more. For the virtue of not understanding – and not having to. And maybe understanding is nothing more than knowing what to expect and what to do about it. This understanding turns a dangerous, incomprehensible world of chaos into a controllable place worth living in. Through a mere switch of the mind.
Peace & Harmony
There is a sense of being one with the world that feels like it is pulsating out of chest, disrupted only by outer sources of distraction – cars, people who don’t share your mood.
There is a sense of “this is right” and “the world would be a peaceful place if everybody was in this state”.
I don’t know if it is true. Maybe that’s another choice to make, but maybe our genes make the decision for us.
My friend says he believes that there is a type of evil people. Those who are subdued and rejected by civilization, but find themselves together in cults like ISIS, to live out their need for evilness.
I feel out of place, but I can’t deny or lie about what I feel: I am one of those people.
I want conflict. I want to fight. I want to dominate life and compete for resources. I like pain, it reminds me I am alive.
These words make me sound like the stereotype lone wolf caricatured by some wannabe psychologist twats who will do anything to prove how they can help. Help with what exactly? The man who wants your help, is either no man or he is playin’ ya. I know I would.
With that sense of oneness with my surroundings and that freaky fear-joy-vibrating emotion, I notice something which I think many are not aware or honest enough to acknowledge. The thing that poses the whole danger of these kinds of drugs.
It actually feels cool. You can actually enjoy being in this state and being torn apart by your emotions. It’s easy. It feels deep. It feels free and real. Yet it’s not necessarily right.
It may be all too easy to start assuming that drugs are showing you the real world – while the real world is a lie. To start becoming a vegetable who knows: If only everybody was a vegetable like me, there would be no need for conflict.
The challenging thing is: Once you have seen the world from that perspective, from this oneness with everything, you are faced with a choice.
Which of both worlds is the real? The world of the winners in which druggies are weak vegetables? Or the world of the vegetables, where winners are a relict from the past, unnecessary and unwanted.
The frame control
A few times while writing this article, I trailed off when the display of the computer started to contort. The black keys I press seem to spread like drops of black liquid on the silver surface of my Macbook Air.
I think I was afraid of becoming the victim of this weirdness. Maybe I was rather afraid of my wish to be it’s victim.
. It’s actually comfortable – but you only realize that when you decide not to be one anymore.
Not being a victim means to be in control.. That’s the price to pay for dominance.
In a way, playing with this drug is like playing with a girl.
As long as I own the moment, it is perfect fun. But in the moment I start having expectations, pushing for a direction that might not present itself, everything goes to shit. I become a slave and everything changes.
With frame control, you aren’t really fighting a girls confidence. Or the drugs strength.
You are fighting your own wish to submit to the drug. Your wish to let it become your world.
And there’s only one valid reason not to submit:.
Surely this is the reason why psychedelics are used as rites of passage in some cultures. As tests of manhood, as tests of wisdom and as tests of strength of character. Will you choose yourself and the struggle of life? Or will you choose the comfortable happy world of the drug? Will you be strong enough to face the dark side?
The dark side
I can see how a bad trip could start again. I am not in perfect mood now. When I was with my friend or looked at myself in the mirror, I felt like things were being stripped of their humanness.
Like the functions of pleasing and socializing were stripped off our faces and I could see even myself as the alien thing I am – free from any attachment or pride that could taint my perception of myself, make me ignore my faults. Maybe the most direct and hard way to find yourself. Hard because it doesn’t come gradually.
But it’s not only being exposed to traits of my character that I don’t like. Or flaws of my body, no. It’s being exposed to the flaws and fragility of your very biology itself. I imagine to see the bones underneath my skin, the blood in tubes above, the mechanics of my body, myself as a machine.
This vision is was what I wanted, but it is an act of balance to not get lost in it. not see, . It is a challenge, but I must stay on top of it and remember where I am headed. Only now I finally seem to understand why every shaman tells you to go into such a trip with a purpose, with a question. It is a guide, an anchor to the world you came from, to remind you of the life you are trying to improve instead of accepting the trip itself as life.,
I can also see how this trip could be used for pure leisure, if accompanied with beautiful imagery and music.
Yet that is not what I came for. I came to know if I can master the darkness inside me that has overwhelmed me last time. I came back because I was sure I could. And I can. .
To remember yourself and your purpose against a challenge. To distinguish between yourself and your purpose against the challenge. Between the challenge and your life, in the heat of the moment.
To know even in the darkest moments your own mind as the free agent who chose to engage in these.
To seek happiness not solely in pleasure, but in mastery. Because if pleasure is all it takes, what reason is there not to become a bitch of the first best thing that comes around?
To own the moment.
Should the drugs make me esoteric? Make me believe in spirits or indulge in whatever I can’t explain and relish being terrorized by the incomprehensible? No. The challenge is not to let them do that. The challenge of psychedelics is not to lose your mind – that’s not challenging. The challenge is to keep your rationality despite having seen your mind explore the wickedness of a mad universe. To notice when it happens.
It feels good to be challenged if one has a purpose. Yet I must not let this kind of challenge become my life. It is a pleasure to be challenged, after all. And pleasure is not as important as purpose.
Such must be the mastery of frame control. Of being a man. And I am pleasured to be a student of this art.