A place for a


Somewhere out there or deep inside

Sometimes I think, there’s gotta be something out there. Yeah, me too. Really? Let’s kiss.

Sometimes I think, there’s gotta be something out there. I don’t understand. Oh, you will, some day.

But maybe it’s not even something to be found out there. Maybe you have to go deep inside yourself to find it.

Or you are just bat-shit crazy.

There’s something out there

… says a friend. If he just knew if there is something out there. If there was an answer, he could go on with life. It keeps him up at night. He has a disoriented look in his eyes, his movements are unfocused, his manners are laid back and without purpose.

His friends would describe him as deep.

Life can’t just be all materialistic, can it? Just the flesh and the lust and the money.

He wants meaning.

Deep inside

I ride the boat over the Amazon. With me on the boat is a young boy, an elderly but strong woman, a younger hot French hippie girl my age and a younger Spanish boy. They – I’m sorry, we – are soul searchers. We agree that it is to be found inside, that no one can give it to you. I came a week ago, but the gals have been on their journey for months.

Yeah, we are the wiser ones. We have abdicated a materialistic, hedonistic world view.

So you could say. Sure, we pump ourselves full of Ayahuasca, frog venom, mushrooms and smoke Mapacho cigarettes. But when we do it, we have a look of meaning in our faces. We connect with the divine. We see the world dissolve before our eyes and say it’s all relative.

Or maybe we just meditate. Sit around all day long and think until our minds start to produce hallucinations.

What is it?

Yeah, but what is it? One could approach the question unquestioningly. Or not. I don’t want you to see this as a rhetorical question. Nothing ever is.

Let’s analyze the nature of the question.

We are searching for something. What do we know about it? Good question, eh?

Do we know anything about it? No? If not, how can we possibly find it? And if we find it, how can we identify it?

Right. We will be able to identify it. Because we will know. Uh-huh. How do we know that?


Maybe we know because we already had it once. Earlier, everything was better. Maybe we look back in time and remember a moment where we had it.

Is it an emotion? Is itthought? Or is it beyond perception?

But if it is beyond perception, how can we perceive it’s existence or remember it?

I therefore assume it is an emotion, a state of mind. Anything else is not perceivable. And if it isn’t perceivable, there is no reason to seek it nor a possibility to verify it. If you disagree, feel free to comment.

When we remember it, we feel something. Now, are we really remembering the emotion we had back then? Or is the emotion we feel the emotion of remembering?

In any case, if it is an emotion that we already had, there’s no reason to go all soul-seeking or search for god. Our lack of it is merely a way of our body to tell us that it isn’t satisfied.

If it is something that was felt at a certain moment in time, ask: What state of mind was I in back then and how did I achieve what I got? Maybe it was the most beautiful kiss in my life. But have I, back then, achieved it by wishing for it or was I cocky and confident? Thus, to achieve it once more, would I be better advised to not run around like a whelp and hope to find it?

Was it euphoria after having stared at a wall for five hours? Was it a vision under the influence of drugs? Well, go ahead and do it again.

Was it the temporary feeling of having beaten a challenge? Aspire for new goals.

If it is the feeling of memory, of course, I can simply delve in my memories all day long and can stop searching. Of course, the feeling will probably fade when your brain gets used to the high and develops tolerance.

In any case, remember that your memories are falsified through … your memory. Depending on your mood, you idealize memories or see merely the bad in them. Things seem perfect or bad in hindsight, if you aren’t trained in remembering. A good memory, of course, will give you confidence, as a proof of the ability to achieve … love, money, success, friendship. A bad memory will make you look like a victim.

Maybe you are even fool enough to not think back to a certain event, but to think of a period of time where you had it, simply discarding all the moments in between when you didn’t.


It may be that great illusion that we can reach some state of perfection and stay in it forever.

But that’s not how our body works. Emotions are consequences of actions and circumstances and they fade. Yeah, take a drug or survive a deadly situation and feel epiphany. It is an emotion, a state of mind.

It fades. Have you ever reached a state of perfection that stayed forever?

Do you know anybody who has?

Or was it rather a series of moments of perfection, each time with the hope for eternity?

But you know a lot of people who claim it is possible, don’t you?

Maybe. Just maybe they are fools like you, hoping for it.

Hoping so much, in fact, that they simply cannot accept the nonexistence of it. Since the thought of it’s nonexistence is unbearable, they become convinced it can exist.

The somewhat childish hope for paradise.

Chasing ghosts

Stop chasing ghosts. There is no something out there. There are just things. Know or find out what thing you want, know or remember how you get it, then go for it.

Don’t let elders and so-called intellectuals confuse you with their stupid notions of something, however confident they may seem. Call them out, make them explain. They either know what they are talking about or they don’t.

Maybe chasing paradise is the only name we have for the drive of life, the inner emptiness that forces us to achieve. But it’s an emotion that demands success, not a literal paradise. And as a real emotion, it does not need the transfiguration into a mystic entity.

What is your something?

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