After everything, there was my chance to get back home. A light at the end of the tunnel.
I convinced my mother byfor two weeks. I would so fucking make her wish for it that she would disregard all advice from the group supervisors and take me back. I was free. In a way.
Curiously, I have never been. As I have failed to see the encouraging aspects of my interactions with women, maybe in the same way I have failed to even notice anyones attempt to bully me. Maybe I just wasn’t important enough. Maybe I was lucky not to be the weakest one. Maybe my classmates were simply … more mature. Maybe they knew I would have kicked their teeth in, or tried to. But I think I wouldn’t have, if they would have been stronger and in the majority. I was a bully sometimes, but that also makes me a coward – to a stronger person, I seldom hold my ground.
When I think about it, I always kinda was part of the crowd. I myself would pick on the weak ones. Sometimes I would be the class clown. My relationships with my classmates were superficial, but there was a basic sympathy and respect. Sounds like a symptom of overt narcissism. But nobody would have ever voted me to be the class speaker. Maybe I could’ve been that guy if I had had a great physique to command respect from guys and attention from girls, not the fat guy with a high voice. Who knows. In the end I guess I was just somewhat outside of the system. Not important enough to be bullied, not interesting enough to be engaged. And probably not even engageable.
A later friend of mine was one of the guys who had been bullied. Put upside down into trash containers. It’s something that has never been a reality to me. In fact, I never even saw it happen to others in such an extreme way. I do think that it is true.. Imagine this: You fool around and tease other people with little observations about them. People laugh. And then there’s this one guy who will look down and become quiet and insecure. Nobody would have had him for a loser if he wouldn’t have reacted that way. Consequently, you may think he will thaw. So you continue, but he keeps getting worse. Things get out of control and he ends up in the trash. Maybe that’s how it happens.
Just like the hundred girls who smile at me on the streets and may be wondering why I don’t come say Hi. Because inside myself, her smile is like an attack. Inside myself, it brings up the memories of failure. While any normal person would just enjoy the smile and reciprocate. And the hundred girls may keep wondering why I wouldn’t take the chance. Because I’m not fat anymore.
I came to visit a grammar school at home for one more year, the 10th grade. The class was super integrated and had been together for five years. Amazement and shock had me when I saw people my age talk about sex openly and uncaringly in front of the class. I was an outsider and spent my time with the other outsiders, two losers who would, to my great annoyance, talk about World of Warcraft at every single occasion. One of these guys was so obsessed with it that he failed the complete year. Once more I fell in love with a girl I had never talked to after she had given me the slightest bit of positive attention. I wrote her anonymous love poems, later emails, then confessed over ICQ, a chat messenger. She said sheat the time. Seriously, what was I thinking. I never spoke to her! I was acting like an idiot, shy and ashamed! How would it have been supposed to work, even if she had liked me more. Yeah, indeed, I would actually accuse her of dishonesty, at least in my thoughts. Why, oh why, can’t she be honest. These are the perks of being a covert narcissist. Well, idiot, it’s a game and you’re playing it so damn wrong.
I almost failed the year due to Latin and exited the grammar school to visit a technical school where I spent another two years. Again I would be friends with some shy outsider guy. Again I would be proud of it. Hey, he’s the underdog. Again I would fall in love with a girl in class. But this fucking time, it was useful at least. Something happened in my mind. I was a 260 pound monster who had vainly attempted to lose weight a few times. I looked into the mirror on a very important day and something entered my mind:It was a simple question and it went further. My brain tricked itself into not believing, but knowing that I could be with her if I lost enough weight. I realized consciously that this wasn’t the truth, but I was in a flow. No trickery was necessary. There was not the question how to lose weight – . I just did it. Ate healthy and very little. Lost 80 pounds within half a year. Not once doubted I would make it. Once I did, I kept the weight down.
During the time, I got the opportunity to work on the website of a local automobile interest group. With time, the organization grew and my seldom paid endeavor turned into a job I kept for 8 years, until the end of 2014. Thanks to this, I decided to study web development at a private school. I didn’t learn much new, but I greatly enjoyed being part of a group I finally shared an interest with. It was possibly the longest period of time in my life during which I was somewhat content and felt worthy. Helping the others in class came naturally since I was lightyears ahead. Yeah, fell in love again, successlessly. Who cares. When I finished the school, I was immediately offered a job as a tutor and supervisor, a common practice at that place. I gladly took the opportunity and spent two years bringing up and teaching new classes of students to become web developers while doing my Bachelor of Arts.