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28.03.2015

Delitescence of failure: Demise sings no elegy

A year ago, I was 40 pounds lighter. Was I happier than now? Hardly. I feel just like always, continuously gaining weight. But when I feel just like always, what’s the problem of being fat? What’s the problem with being alone?

There is no problem.

I used to imagine a tragedy. There is none.

I know and always knew that I will become a fat fart if I continue on this path. But it elicits no feeling anymore, it’s only a thought. So I think: If it feels perfectly fine doing it; if my body is not crying out in desperation, why should I stop?

The lightness of rationality

Chances are, I could weigh 400 pounds and still eat on, feeling somewhat okay.

Why wouldn’t I? What reason does my body have to feel any different? I’m just doing what I’m always doing and I’m kinda fine with it.

The truth is, once you leave the realm of hate and guilt and reject other people’s expectations, all the once dominant and seemingly motivating panic from not being good enough ceases to exist.

Things just are.

Motivation

Sure, I wouldn’t like being an even fatter slob. But, then again, I wouldn’t have liked being the fat slob I am now one year ago.

The body and mind adapts. Take away the panic of not being good enough and you just sort of float through existence. You almost don’t care about anything strongly enough to change.

You may not remember what it means to care.

To care is not an emotional sensation that overwhelms your senses. It’s an idea. It’s something you decide to do. Just because.

To care is not fanaticism. It’s not restlessness. It’s hardly desire. These are emotions of the moment, not consistent motivators to pursue goals.

To care definitely is not obligation to anybody.

Pain and motivation

Do nothing, let yourself go. Reach rock bottom. You may think that you have to reach rock bottom in order to get that emotional high of failure.

The one thing that pain has to teach you is that pain means nothing. Your tragedies. Tormenting moments of horror and pain. They don’t entitle you. Extreme pain calms you. Your past suffering doesn’t entitle you. Only success over pain makes you strong.

Yes, pain can motivate you in the moment. But when the moment is gone, so is the motivation.

Apart from that, the only thing that extreme pain teaches you – if you are smart – is that you don’t want it. But it’s easy to avoid extreme pain. Too easy.

Demise sings no elegy

So demise creeps in. Day after day, meal after meal, porn after porn.

Your body slowly turns to slob, demises, fades, rots. Your thoughts become unclear, your eyesight fades, your friends leave you, you lose your job skills.

One day, you wake up and realize that there’s nothing to be saved anymore.

Am I trying to scare you? No. If you are past hate, you will read this and not be scared. Why should you? It’s an emotion that fades. You adapt. Only marketers, politicians and journalists scare.

I am merely presenting you with a thought.

There is no Hollywood orchestra to illustrate the horridness of your demise.

There is no one to judge you for not feeling horrible about being a loser. If you don’t accept anyone into that role.

Why do you see so many fat complacent people who don’t seem to care?

Because they don’t. They have what they need and their needs adapt to what they have.

People would not function if they could not adapt, so people just adapt and adapt and adapt further.

Reason

Are you searching for the one big reason to become a big muscled man, to get a thousand women? Are you free of guilt?

Are you searching for an impulse that will sweep you away? That’s not how it works.

Things just happen.

You lie around and you grow fat and useless. It’s no tragedy, it’s not sad, it’s not a wasted life. That’s what people tell you when you don’t follow their ideal expectations of themselves and you. Yeah, you can adopt their judgments (whose precisely?), but it won’t help you to delve in self-pity.

Comfort

Yeah, sometimes you may feel a bit sad. You may cry a bit, if even. Is it so bad? Or is it, in some weird way, freeing and a good experience? Sometimes you feel the pain of not being able to attain what you were able to attain a year earlier, maybe a nice girl. Oh well, you get used to it.

Life passes. There’s no heroic journey. There’s no point you need to reach to finally be happy.

There’s no single great moment of victory and no single great moment of failure.

Life is a stream of time. Every day is just another 24 hours gone.

The rational decision

Rationality is simple, it’s light. It feels like nothing, not even like a feather. At max, an occasional triumph of discovery sets in.

Eat on and you will be fat. Eat less and you will be thin.

Stay at home and you will be alone. Go out and you meet people.

Yeah, it’s the cold truth. Why is it cold? Because it leaves you cold, right? There’s no feeling of specialness, no euphoria involved. No panic, either, if you are free of guilt. It doesn’t make you feel smart to read it. It doesn’t explain the world, god and the galaxy.

Is it really that simple? Yeah, it is.

Do you really not need to think further? Are you really thinking? No.

The dismaying truth is: Things are simple. You aren’t doing anything because you’d rather keep experiencing what you are experiencing now. You owe nothing to nobody, for a fact.

The good side is: You can stop to think. There is nothing to think about. There is no complex answer and no life-changing article.

The why

You don’t have to think about why you aren’t doing anything. It’s because you enjoy what you have. The body gets used to anything.

See yourself for what you are. See your own desire to stay the same. See the pleasures of your daily life. Relish the awesomeness of modern comfort. Realize that you really do have it awesome. Realize that you like being depressed, sad, in pity.

I’m not judging. It does feel great. It’s a rollercoaster of safe emotions.

Now that you have acknowledged all those great emotions – the euphorias, the self-pity, the depression, the anger, the hatred, the love, the desires – and now that you own them as your own little treasure, relish them. They are yours for your enjoyment.

Once you look through them, they may become a bit boring, if enjoyable.

But now that you have these wonderful, safe emotions you can always return to, how about going for a bit more? How about the challenge to gradually control these emotions? How about the challenge to withhold yourself from some of them to reach goals? Isn’t that intellectually stimulating?

Who knows, maybe you’ll like to discipline yourself. To start not giving in to anger, sadness, self-pity, simply because they hinder you – not because people don’t like them in you.

How about working towards something you don’t think you can have? How exciting would that be.

Or maybe you’ll become the devils advocate and wage war. Who am I to decide for you?

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