This is no sexual abuse story, don’t worry. No disgusting mother-son-lovestories here. And for those who think that there’s nothing wrong with mother-son-relationships… well. Maybe not for you. I find the idea. Be offended if you will.
The tragedy of a failed love
I had prepared my bed and made my room somewhat presentable. The girl I was meeting, wow..
We met in a park and spent some time sitting under a tree. It was nice, yet I was too timid to make things more serious. In the end, she quickly hugged me and I wrote her a text message: That was an unusually beautiful day. No answer, of course!
I came home, dismayed and hurt. Yet I felt like I can handle it..
My mother asked how it had went. I told her.
Immediately she started to caress me and pity me. I saw the suffering in her eyes.
Mom, it’s okay. I can deal with it.
– One day, you will find the right one, I know it! Oh, son, everything will be alright.
I was disgusted and repelled, yet didn’t understand that emotion and ended up comforting my mother for the pain and pity she was feeling. She thought she was feeling “with me”, but in fact I had in a way accepted things.
It felt horrible. She was tearing my own experience out of my heart and using it for herself. She was stealing my emotion. Yes, my emotion! My experience! Only I had a fucking right to feel this, you stupid bitch! You’re a monster!
She was using my pain to indulge in her own self-pity. She took a piece of heart out of me and ate it up like a piece of chocolate to indulge in a pity-orgasm. She took my heart and my pride like a dildo and put it up her vagina to satisfy her need, her need of submission to a brutal and cold world that was unbearable. Yes, that’s a metaphor. But that’s what I felt like. Used.
I went back to my room. I wanted to feel the pride of being able to endure this again, but some undefined horror kept creeping up inside me, telling me: No, don’t even think you can handle this. and the only thing you can do is .
Yet I couldn’t even cry. My mother had taken that away from me. I wasn’t able to feel anything. The emotional memory had been stolen, tainted and befouled, robbed of it’s naivety and sad innocence. It had been stolen and used as a proof that the world was, unbearable and that one could only be a .
A woolen shawl of blackness laid itself around my heart, comforting and deadening.
I accepted my mother’s judgment. There was no place for us in this world.
Only that there is no us. I am a man, mother. You cannot teach me.
But there was no one to tell me how wrong you were. There was no one to let me have my pride. To let me have my pain.
Yes, you took my pain away. And I hate you for it. It wasn’t yours to take. It was meant to fuel me, make me strong. But you wanted me to be sweet, good, .
So what will I do now? I will go out. I want my pain back. I will fail and I will not let you take it away. I will keep the pain for myself and protect it as if it was the most valuable good on earth. You failed, mother. And it is not on me to comfort you. I can’t. It will kill me if I try.
The hotel receptionist
This was way later. I had run into a very attractive hotel receptionist on my vacation. She was very into me in the heat of the moment. I was hard like a rock and all mory, took all my courage and asked her to come up to my apartment. She had to work, but she gave me her number and promised to arrange something the next day. With a coveting and challenging tone of voice, she asked me whether I wanted to see her. I said Yes. She smiled at me as I went away and said that she was looking forward to it. You are horny, little girl, aren’t you? Haha! I own you, hahaha, I’ll have my fun with you!
The next day I got a short letter handed by another receptionist. I was supposed to call her next time I’m in the vicinity. Today, it’s clear to me that That’s okay. But that wasn’t at a good time in my life and I was once more dismayed.over night.
Yet it was greatness was within reach.that give you a whole new outlook on life. This was what it meant to be a man? This was beyond confidence. This was greatness. This was and joy pulsating in harmony with my whole body. This was what it’s meant to be like. Man and woman. Ever unknown
At this point in time, I had long. Inspired by raw lust, I went into the park and talked to a girl. The wasn’t awesome, but I didn’t care. I knew something that the man I had been before hadn’t known: Great dialogue is not what it’s about. I had an inkling that she was somewhat : When I asked her why she was alone in the park, she said one needs some time for themselves. Haha. I didn’t mind, I’m the man after all; it’s on me to lead. I walked her to the park exit and simply and unapologetically asked her if she wanted to come home with me. She said she was not that kind of girl. I had to laugh. It was just too funny, you know. Once you’ve seen the big picture, it’s like someone would say I’m not the kind of person who likes to drink orange juice. It’s so ridiculous that it’s funny. . And once you’ve known strength, you wonder why anyone would choose weakness – it’s pointless.
Anyway. I told these two happenings to my mother and grandmother whom I was still sporadically seeing and got another reaction this time: You can’t be so. And I said: Why not? . What’s the big deal?
But even though I was able to defend myself, the thought stayed in my head. You know, life can be curious. You want to stand behind a truth, but the more you become a proponent of it, the easier it becomes for the lies to sneak in through the back door. There they start to spread and grow, like bacteria. And within a few weeks, I was doubting what I had done. I wish I had told these stories to a strong man instead. He would have said: Haha, boy! You’re finally finding out what life is about! Way to go!
What could a life have been like with a father
For those of you who can relate to these experiences, I have found a great article that gives some perspective on how a life with a father could have been / can be in the future: Ways Single Mothers Destroy Their Sons
The article focuses on damage done by a mother, but you can just as well read it the opposite way, since when you see what’s wrong, you see what’s right instead.
If there is advice to give: Be angry. I don’t know if the anger ever goes away. Maybe it’s there for good – as a warning. But as soon as you connect with your anger, stop focusing on it. Use it.
Read the linked article not as a list of things you have missed. Read it as a speech to liberate your soul. To see, finally, what is right and wrong for a man.
. Yeah, it sounds like a cliché, but “it’s too late” is .
You know, the thing is: I so desperately wish I could have been this and that. A man doesn’t say such a thing and he doesn’t decide to have regrets. Why? Because a man is a rational and smart creature. He knows that this is bullshit. Start out being a man by .
Have you had similar experiences? What kind of lies are you trying to leave behind? What were your life-changing moments? Please share.