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20.03.2015

How to stop hating girls and douche bags

New title: Guilt for imperfection & envy

I hated girls, successful people, douche bags. Envy was eating me up. These people made me feel inadequate. I shunned perfectionism – why would anyone torture himself? But did I really want to hate them? Or did I have to hate them?

Is hatred not irrational? Woo, wait a second – what is irrationality? It means I didn’t make a conscious choice to hate. Such, it is subconscious, therefore it can’t be rational. But it’s explainable. With hatred, you distance yourself from something you don’t want to feel.

Is it your fear of rejection that you don’t want to feel?

Search your feelings

When we wonder why we hate somebody, we may as well wonder what the use of hatred is. Oh, it just is what it is. Meh. Think: Hatred blocks you, arouses you, detaches you from the responsibility for feelings. What possible use could this be to anybody? Because, if there was no possible use, why would such an emotion even exist?

Imagine you were the last living person on the planet. Would you hate?

With hatred we give up the responsibility for emotions we don’t want or cannot allow ourselves to feel. The suppression obviously creates a blockage, a dam that needs to be flooded from time to time; narcissistic rage comes to mind. Again, what use is it?

I’m not asking in order to deem you irrational. Idiots say this: Oh, just stop feeling that. The classical mentor’s fallacy. Bullshit. What use is it?

If you had an enemy, would you hate him? Why?

Never hate your enemies. It affects your judgment.

– Michael Corleone in The Godfather

Here’s my take: The only possible motivator to suppress any emotion is an environment that will punish you for feeling and expressing it. To be able to put on a mask in hostile territory. It makes sense then to suppress the emotion in oneself and hate as much as avoid those who trigger it, lacking the possibility to release it.

Guilt and perfection

So, why would you suppress feeling inadequate, rather than just dislike it? Why would you suppress the perception of not being good enough? Why would you not simply accept it and work on yourself to improve? Why would an organism lie to itself and hinder it’s own progress? It doesn’t make any sense. Why not enjoy failure and further yourself with joy until you reach goodness?

Do you really think it is in your interest to avoid the feeling of inadequacy? Was it really your own idea to pretend not to care?

If I can’t have it, I don’t need it.

Think, who’s idea was it? Isn’t it ludicrous?

You feel guilty for being inadequate.

This goes hand in hand with my article about narcissism and the wish for power.

Think of your past. What kind of environment were you in that demanded you to never feel or express inadequacy? To never make errors?

Maybe you, like me, had a mother who smothered you and put you on a pedestal. Maybe she always told you that you were perfect just the way you were. Maybe, in your moments of failure, she told you to simply love yourself. Maybe she told you that she suffers when she sees you suffer. Maybe she forced you to smile, to look happy for her. And you didn’t dare to disappoint.

Maybe you needed her more than you needed to feel your pain. Maybe you didn’t want to make her feel bad. So you hated your own feelings of defeat, of imperfection.

Maybe you felt guilty for feeling them because they made your mother suffer. A morally correct person wouldn’t want their mother to suffer, would they? She loves you more than anyone will ever love you, after all. She is as perfect as you must be. Be happy.

To avoid feeling inadequate, isn’t it the easiest to avoid any threat to your happiness? To eliminate it? For yourself? For the sake of your loved mother?

Perceptions deceive

Everything you know about a girl on the street. What? Nothing? Correct. Maybe you are good at cold-reading, but to automatically assume that a girl will refuse you for your imperfections is a connection of your mind.

Everything you know about a person is the sum of your perceptions of this person. You do not have any more information. How would your mind know that a particular girl will refuse you for your inadequacies? Magical thinking.

Only because your mind creates the connection to a girl, woman or mother who did.

Do you really fear rejection? Do you really fear not getting the girl? Or do you fear the feeling of guilt for annoying a girl with your imperfection?

Or maybe annoying an invisible spectator? Who is it?

One day, you are going to make a woman very happy.

Are you really trying to be perfect for yourself? Think. Hard.

Societal programming

There’s another aspect to the hate against hot girls and douche bags. It’s their portrayal in media.

Maybe you saw a movie about a loser whose girl was taken away by a douche bag. He then went on to suffer and went in denial by reaching moral superiority and, indeed, managed to not even want her anymore, because she was below him.

Yeah, see, there’s so many things wrong with movies that you should stop watching them altogether.

But the most obvious one is that a movie hero can do any stupid thing he wants, yet be confident about it. You copy him and think: Wow, but this should feel so easy. I should be able to dismiss hot girls easily. Why can’t I? Do you really want to be a hero?

Why would you want to? If you really dismissed hot girls and aspirations to be a douche bag, what aspirations would remain?

Script writers write impossible characters that fight the battles they or their audience can’t fight. They don’t write realistic stories; they write fantasies.

Resolving guilt

I will soon write another article about bypassing your conscience.

What is the key takeaway? Guilt translates to the German Schuld which translates back to debt. You feel indebted to not feel inadequate. To whom? If you solve this, you will realize that there is not a single person on this world whom you owe any form of perfection.

And that is an important aspect of freedom and part of my rules for a self-respecting man.

Whose battles are you fighting?

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