This is all about a. Have you ever wondered why you can’t ? Why you can’t do X? Why you had to fight and lose against the insatiable urge to sabotage yourself? Ever wondered why you can’t focus during emotional stress?
Fair enough, maybe you haven’t. But this isn’t your story.
Some time ago, at my workplace, I was telling a female colleague about how I enjoyed my first time sex. I told her that it had been awesome and that I had had everything under control.
Whereupon she remarked: Control. How boring.
Indeed, most of my life I had fantasized of moments that would just sweep me away. I would lose control and simply be in the moment and enjoy the great feelings and everything.
Life in trance
And I reckon that this is what it is like for women. It may also be what it is for rockstars.
Yet, to my dismay, interacting with a woman really is like eating a cake that has two eyes and questions my intents. I become self-conscious.
But I just want to enjoy the moment!
Stupid, right? Why would one want to bother with those? Perfectly destroy your comfort.
also gives you this idea: You just see things happen and identify with the hero. You watch the and imagine that that’s what real life is like. But the real love game is nonlinear. It doesn’t always work out and it’s always slightly different. And you have to make decisions.
Language plays it’s tricks. The German word Selbstbewusstsein consists of the words “Selbst”, self, and “Bewusstsein”, consciousness. Yet it translates as confidence, not self-consciousness. Weird.
I have a few questions for you. Let’s see if you share my problem:
- Do you dislike being watched and evaluated?
- Would you hate if somebody filmed you in an uncomfortable situation?
- Do you crave to be very smooth?
- Don’t you like to hear yourself speak?
- Do you think that things should just work and if they don’t, you suspect that something is wrong?
- Do you generally dislike analyzing your own behavior or having others analyze it? Do you feel it’s somehow wrong?
If you said yes to at least 55% of the questions, we have something in common. Or had.
Clarity of thought & smoothness
Have you ever … alright, let’s stop the rhetorics.
Try on a cheap pair of hip hop earphones. Listen to some music. Now do the same with expensive reference headphones.
Suddenly, everything becomes crisp and clean. But. You also hear all the little mistakes in the performance.
Yet the music hasn’t changed. The cheap headphones have blurred out the errors.
Smoothness is your own illusion of perfection.
Nothing is ever perfect, as I can tell you from the process of improving in music, video editing, programming. But if you are in a very trance-like, comfortable state, things seem perfect. Your mind simply blends out everything that is not perfect.
Being in love is trance. You put the woman on a pedestal and she seems perfect. You blur your perception, voluntarily, to experience magnificence.
Trance is a choice
Trance is a state that floods your head. It pushes your eyes from behind and gives you a glazed tunnel look. You look like a junkie. And you can’t even fight it. Neediness, ahoy!
Why do you want trance? You do want it. I can tell you why I did. Deep inside, I was convinced that this trance-like state would improve the experience. I wanted to experience love in childlike innocence, without analyzing, without understanding.
I was also, in a weird way, convinced that it was morally wrong to be completely conscious of myself and another person, hubristic to be a merciless observer. Partly because I didn’t like this particularity in others.
But you sacrifice something else when you enter trance. Your conscious thought. Your discrimination, your calculation. Your focus. You drift away to some other place. Finally, my dreams come true. You become a puppet. You start to cling and follow the object of your desire and curiously wonder why you don’t seem to have any will on your own.
So ask yourself: Is the experience really better when I am not self-conscious? Or am I merely deceiving myself?
If you decide to be self-conscious, how can a girl possibly knock you off your game?
Weigh the pros and contras. Will you give up the illusion of your own and other’s perfection for high fidelity? Will you give up the wish to be overwhelmed by ecstasy for the precision of self-consciousness?
What’s your choice?