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17.03.2015

Ibuprofen killed my sex drive, and other libi-en-dangers

The pain is gone. I wake up after my first sleep for 40 hours. Gone with the pain is my will to focus and my libido. My combination technique doesn’t work. Yes, I had been wishing for the pain to go away.

My great passion had been going on for two weeks until yesterday, when I unwillingly started to scream at the doctor’s who was treating my otitis externa, an inflammation of the outer ear.

Yet I had also wanted to reach painlessness without drugs. The doctor convinced me that taking Ibuprofen was in my best interest since NSAIDs, one of which is Ibuprofen, are not primarily analgesics, but anti-inflammatory agents. In fact, I may only have stayed sick for so long due to me not taking anything and later merely antibiotics.

So what happened to my ability to get a hard-on?

Comfort

I woke up and felt like the world was okay. In three hours time I will be visiting the doctor for a blood test. Merely thinking about the lewd doctor’s assistant gave me almost an instant hard-on every single time before now. Nothing. No tingle. What the fuck? Think about her breasts, her tattoo, her smell. Nope. It’s almost like a memory that doesn’t matter and has no context, to be discarded soon. Is that the way asexual people feel?

Yet at the same time, I also do not feel anxious about seeing her. I reckon it’s the same thing.

Also, I cannot recall or invoke the state of conscious and confident focus. For this, I usually think about programming.

Nope.

Before this, even after 40 hours without sleep and non-stop masturbation due to a craving for endorphins, even the thought of her got me hard almost instantly.

Let’s check this. I haven’t watched porn for weeks. Now it’s time to visit a porn site. Wow, awesome body with perky breasts, hot face, lascivious hair, doing herself with a dildo. Nothing happens. Curious.

The easiest way to describe my current state is probably absolute comfort. I guess that this is normal considering the fact that I have had my first long and pain-free sleep in days. May want to research what this may be due to.

Security & Happiness

But the point is that this is a state I used to wish for many times when I was anxious or thinking about women. In fact, it is a state I often invoked through masturbation or eating. Lacking my insight into mor, I didn’t quite understand the profoundness of my actions. It created a state of carelessness where I imagined that I could talk to any girl if I wanted to. And I probably could have, had she iniated. But it also took away from me all the urge and drive to do it. Note the difference between drive and wish.

Not only did this make me careless, it also made me unfocused, or, in a way, unwilling to focus. My subconscious felt instead the need to enjoy the moment and not be disturbed. I would feel great, yet the greatness would stop me from doing anything that could endanger it. Ironically, I would be incredibly willing to oversee this dynamic. My thoughts would go like this: If I can make myself feel great now, I will be more willing to finish the task. Wrong.

Because despite the fact that happiness makes you think positively about things, it takes away your drive to actually go for them. Believe it or not, but before you discard it, think back at your own experiences and tell me it isn’t true.

I remember talking to a rather young (under 20), intelligent girl I came into contact with through her blog. When we talked about happiness, she told me without hesitation this: Happiness makes me very unproductive. Or, in other words, lazy. She said it as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. What an incredible amount of reflective insight at such a young age!

The truth is that the thing I just called happiness I wouldn’t want to call that way. It is not quite fitting, for happiness should embrace life and change, not be invoked through statism and escapism.

Feeling sedated

Now that I have been very conscious of strong pain and emotions for a long time, I will rather call this state sedated. Yes. Most of my life I have sedated myself and in the moments I wasn’t, I wished to be sedated. Disexcited. It’s somewhat perverse, but that of course depends on the standards.

To me, a reasonable token of being sedated is a very strong felt imbalance towards a certain kind of comfortable feeling. It is strong enough to dissuade me from wanting to be focused and do productive work. Truly. Next time you have eaten the meal of your life or had sex with your dream woman and feel great about everything, try to do work. You will lay in your bed and say: Nah, not now. I could, but I don’t want to. Next time I will try. Exactly my point. Try to make yourself want to now. Can you? Because if you don’t try, you cannot prove to me that you really could. And why should you be more willing to waste your next special moment?

Huh. Still think you have a free will?

Think about the difference between wishing and wanting something. The wish stays with you almost constantly, in your head. But what you want is a temporary and fluctuating condition depending on your past actions and current circumstances and, as noted, your current chemical state.

How do you make wishes true? Make them your wants.

Or are you actually too scared to want your wishes?

Slowly abstain from sedating yourself. Get some good habits. Eat well.

Do you know the curious state of seeing a hot girl and wishing to feel desire for her in an attempt of your mind to be authentically interested and thus feel worthy of talking to her?

Try as he might, Alex could not, simply could not, form a complete, coherent thought. Fragments of ideas, bits of things that seemed as if they might be important, floated beyond his mental reach. He couldn’t pull them in, couldn’t make those fragments come together into a complete thought. He knew that he should be able to, knew what he wanted to do, but his mind wouldn’t make it happen. He could not exert enough willpower to bring himself to think. […]

The panic somewhere inside him could not manifest itself into something solid enough to concern him. Alex wanted to be angry, but there was nothing there to form anger. Every time he struggled to feel emotion, he only fell back into feeling nothing. […]

As Alex finally managed to turn his eyes up, the man smiled. He looked nice. Alex hated him. At least, he guessed that maybe he hated him. Somewhere inside he wanted to hate him, but he couldn’t feel any hate. He couldn’t feel anything.

The Law of Nines by Terry Goodkind

Whenever lately in my life I truly desired a girl, my body did things almost automatically. There was no need to force myself to it. Because this thing, desire, is what made me feel right about doing it. Call it connection if you will.

NSAIDs and sex drive

Anyway, to conclude the original topic, let’s see what science says about NSAIDs.

A study suggests that long-term use of NSAIDs may be linked to erectile dysfunction, especially in old age. Note the word may. This older study does, too. On the other hand, there was some rare case where somebody reported feeling horny after the use of Ibuprofen. I personally think that the evidence is lacking, at best. In my case, it may simply have been the sleep. In fact, I’m beginning to feel horny again. What a bliss.

FYI, as an example regarding science and journalism, take a look at this article proposing dangers of NSAIDs based on the older study. The contents of the study are described somewhat precisely, yet the second sentence is “Erectile dysfunction is a common side effect of these drugs […]”. Nowhere does the article state a proof for that claim. All NSAIDs work by inhibiting COX enzymes, thus the side effects are somewhat similar among all drugs of this group; yet my Ibuprofen leaflet does not state ED as a known side effect. This is something you should be aware of when you read articles that pass judgment on complex topics – often studies are linked as a source, yet may be either wrongly interpreted or extended with other information that has no apparent source. Do not take it lightly when no source is provided.

P.S. Came back from the doctors. Nurse still hot. Ear not healed yet. Looking forward for another nights sleep. Pill, gulp, good night.

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