I mentioned that I am a narcissist. That means that I am obsessed with the image other people have of me. When I say obsessed, I mean like with a . You can abstain from a drug for a long time and be happy; for me, that means to be alone or act in a way that will alienate people quickly. But if I am exposed to the drug, it’s hard to think clearly about it, especially if I haven’t had it in a long time.
For me, that is to get some form of admiration – or rather, being identified with a self-image I like; ironically, even.
How can I overcome that in order to be authentic and warmly answer an email?
I had written an honest mail about my newly foundto someone I had met in Peru and even linked to this place, despite my fear that he would see me as a weaker person than I may have presented myself.
The man has had his own set of problems and you can see that it has made him a tough guy, mentally. I perceive him as direct and honest. He also is an ; ever since , I exalt the stereotype of the strong individualistic man. . More, I would hope like a junkie that he would . I am aware that the very wish evidences the truth that I don’t think I am, but that’s the way it goes; maybe the lesson that you are one.
He followed up to my email and answered that he was very happy about my words and would be reading my articles gladly and write me about it. He wrote me I was a great man and had a great smile – that honest humble one I had had after being totally defeated by a, I think.
Now this man I was somewhat putting on a pedestal was giving me great feedback about myself. Ironically, as much as I enjoy it, it makes me angry in the way that the drug addict will hate anybody who brings him even close to his drug; when I was still living with my mother, I would hate and You should investigate this thoroughly.. Such is The Way Of The Junkie.
But I knew that he was being honest and I wanted to give it back. I didn’t know how at first. My lower stomach was tense andlike in defense. I felt that if I write back nice words, it will not be authentic and I would not be able to do it were this to happen in real life. Also, after such great feedback, I felt the and keep up the high. A solution needed to be found.
My first idea was to write “Thank you, looking forward to your words”, since he had promised to be in touch about my articles. I really was hoping for that, so it would be honest. It would be much better than to write back nothing. But it wasn’t quite right.
I decided to have a. Such an answer was, after all, kinda cold and seemed like I was obliging him to keep his promise. I wanted to make him feel as happy about my answer as I had been about his, but I didn’t want to be inauthentic at any price. Hard task for a beginner.
Why would I want to make him happy. There is a discussion to be had about in view of hallucinogenic drugs. That said, I simply wanted him to be happy despite myself or my self-image. But I kinda needed to let go of the self-image for that.and whether altruism serves the self, particularly
I was happy about his answer and maybe I wouldn’t hesitate so much now to simply write that. But it didn’t feel right. It had to do with. He was above me. This was true because he had the power to make me feel great and drugged, whilst I didn’t perceive myself to have that power. As a narcissist, you are always potentially a slave, know that. You are a slave to anyone who gives you positive feedback. And it does mean nothing to a master to get a compliment from a slave. That’s what I perceived subconsciously. That’s why I knew there was no point and no way for me to try to make him happy – .
Then I had the idea to try to reverse the perception in my mind. I imagined that I had the power – my first email had already made him happy, after all. I imagined that I am the person who has something to give and that it matters to him how I felt about his email. In the beginning, this felt wrong to me; I often despise power despite secretly wishing for it. I remembered something about self-acceptance. You must not only accept your weaknesses, but you must accept your greatness, too. Sounds weird for a narcissist, because he is convinced of his greatness all along. So that’s counterintuitive at first. But when you realize that a narcissist only tries to project the greatness of his , it makes sense.
Yeah, if I had some great fantastic tale to tell, that would be a great answer; but who the hell cares about my puny feelings? They aren’t great, they are small and unimportant. And that’s true, in a way.
It’s just a fucking feeling, I’m above that, I have to offer more. I have to offer great insights. But, think: Why?
If I imagine my self in power, my feelings become important. If I am in power, people are interested in my feelings; no, my feelings are more important than other peoples interests. But that really means that. And, since your honest feelings cannot be controlled the way your self-image can, this power is also a form of surrender. Because my feelings, once in power, may dictate a way that will lead me away from admiration and power over other people.
It was clear what to write then; I would thank him and tell him that I was very happy about his positive response. It was the truth. The part about looking forward to his words? Not necessary. I’m not dependent on it and neither do I want to force him; if he meant it, he will do it anyway and we’ll both be glad. I hit Send.
So there is something true to the saying. But if you your whole life, you may not be able to understand it.
On a side note: I have also tried myto get closer to equality. I think it may have worked as well here, but perhaps differently.