A place for a

24.02.2015

Do you really want girls? And Life?

Do you really want to have an exciting flirt with that hot girl?
Yeah, I know. Bad boys don’t flirt. They take what’s theirs. Apply it to any style you wish. Now shut up.

Do you really want to let her look into your eyes and see your soul for what it is and offer your burning desire to her as carelessly excited as if it was a replaceable bonbon? Do you want to let her go anytime if she doesn’t show interest?

Do you really want to lie on top of her and touch her, knowing that she keenly observes anything you do to her? Knowing that she might not like it?

Because if you really want that, nothing can hurt you. Chances are, if you are a narcissist, that you don’t really enjoy the adventure.

Despite all my anxiety and the fact that I am kind of a monster, I greatly enjoyed my first time having sex. It was in a good phase of my life. It’s a proof of concept. She wouldn’t have made for beauty portraits, but her body I desired, desired to smell and touch, so much, every inch of it. And I didn’t regret having to leave because I was in the moment. Which is also kind of an abstract term. I will elaborate in future posts.

In a way what I’m suggesting is: Love the game of life. Take the pain. If you are the worst kind of monster and manage to be careless about that fact around anybody you would otherwise envy or despise, you will be invulnerable. You will be invulnerable because there will be no pain that can surprise you.

To venture deeper in this matter, consider martial arts. Read about the life of Miyamoto Musashi. Here is a quote from his Book of Five Rings:

[…] a man’s death demonstrated his sincerity, and in considering himself as already dead, he was able to complete his daily work with utter peace and tranquility.

As a narcissist, you may have trouble really understanding the meaning of such a state. You may be thinking in movies. You have seen heroes on television die for their cause. You identified with them. You may have told people what you would die for.

Or you may already have become a nihilist who, being confronted in such a way, turned out to be a coward and lost belief in such ideals.

almost died in the mountains. I saw the devil. I refused to have wounds treated on my leg despite the doctors advice. I have lost almost all of my “friends” while I gained 40 pounds throughout a year of almost perfect loneliness. I cut off contact to my parents. I threw away photos of my entire life.

You see people do painful things in movies. You watch a motivational speech or read a wise quote on Facebook. Never let your fire extinguish! You feel the hero inside you. You say: Yes, I can. Let me tell you: You have been lied to. You may feel the hero, but you have not felt what the hero was up against. We do not rise to the occasion, but rather fall back to our level of training. You have not felt the heroes pain. You may never really have felt real devastation in your life. You don’t know what you are up against. Unless you’ve had similar experiences.

Confrontation with reality is necessary to know yourself; it is necessary to find out the things you can’t change at the moment to focus on the things you can.

For starters, go train some hard martial arts like Muay Thai. You don’t have to do it forever, just go there 3 or 4 times for the experience. Take part in the training with experienced, muscular guys – especially if you are not. You will feel small and defeated.

Still believe that a hero at the end of his journey feels superficially satisfied, with his stomach full of popcorn?

If it takes this amount of pain to be a hero, do you really want to be one? What if life forces you to?

Do make the grave mistake of forcing yourself to endure pain that you don’t really want to endure and you will understand the significance.

Be glad, this place will serve as your sanctuary until you have made the decision. See the waves outside? Imagine them real. Imagine being swallowed by them as the only way to get a chance to live. Because, emotionally, that’s what you may be up against.

What kinds of hardships have you been through? What kind of adventures did you learn to love? Please share.

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  • Derek

    Wow great article

    “You see people do painful things in movies. You watch a motivational speech or read a wise quote on Facebook. Never let your fire extinguish! You feel the hero inside you. You say: Yes, I can. Let me tell you: You have been lied to. You may feel the hero, but you have not felt what the hero was up against.”

    No wonder many people think they are tough but when they see fire they run asap

    • Yeah, I do think that a lot of it has to do with a focus on fantasies and fiction instead of real obstacles. Personally, I have decided not to watch movies for now. Since I was small, I had been seeing “scenes” in everyday life and I considered this to be an asset and made me want to be a film producer myself. But this focus on drama kept me from seeing the world out of inside myself, if that makes sense. I will write about this in the future.

  • I will say that hardships in my life are routine. Every situation, habit, or ideology I find myself stuck in that I realize is not good for me, I get out of. That is always difficult. Every new thing I try is hard, for a while at least. I do not think I will ever live a life that is not challenging in one way or another, but I like the challenge. I like the stretch I feel when I expand myself. It is like being hunched over for a while and finally standing up straight. It hurts at first, but once one gets used to the feeling of standing tall, it is hard to go back.

    Hardships are self inflicted as an adult. As a child life is out of your hands, but what you do when you enter manhood is your choice alone. Some children never grow up, and the hardships they experience from that point on are just variants of what they experienced before. The act of becoming a man is another hardship in itself.

    I have learned to love the pain. The pain is a reminder that I am alive, and I know that pain will bring pleasure.

    • Thank you. I’m happy to hear that you live your life in accordance to these beliefs. I’ve been too focused on the pain itself for some time. That made me go through hard times just for the sake of proving to myself how tough I was. Pain is nothing without a vision.

  • Joseph Dean Pahsheka Easley

    I did wrestling and debate in high school, and I wasn’t particularly good at either. It was brutal. I would win about 1/6 or less of my wrestling matches and about 1/4 of my debates, I would guess. I kept going because, in a way, I loved the pain. Not so much the pain of losing, which was often devastating to my already unsteady self-esteem, but the pain of pushing my body and mind to their limits, of doing things daily that most people in my school would never dare try, much less commit to for four-five years, as I did. That was a source of pride for me, and it kept me going.

    Of course, I had coaches, teammates, and I always knew exactly what the expectations of me were. Now that I’ve graduated,and have no one but myself to choose a direction for me and push myself in it(nevermind, my family does try, but fuck them, right?), the accomplishments of my past have depreciated in my eyes. Forcing myself to make and keep a schedule, wherein I work out, get my chores done, keep up with college work and /or hold down a job, eat decent food, practice my hobbies, spend time with family and friends, make more money to break out of my current lifestyle situation, and try to have some semblance of a satisfying social life is much harder when there is nobody else guiding you and nobody encouraging you to meet your expectations of yourself. I’ve done it with much success before, for a period of about six months, but I burned out and backslid into an undisciplined lifestyle of just doing more or less whatever I felt like doing in the moment. I called it ScheJournaling, where I would take a notebook, and make a schedule on the left pages and journal of what I actually did on the right. It was game-changing and life-changing for the first few months, and at many points I might just have been the happiest I’ve ever consistently been in my life. That sort of disciplined lifestyle, and the things I accomplished living it, are truly something to be proud of in my eyes.

    Unfortunately, it didn’t last, and it wasn’t enough. Keeping all my hours and days occupied kept me to myself most of the time, robbing me of the one improvement I needed and still need the most- to improve my social skills and social life. Most of my fondest memories have been in the company of others, and the deepest satisfaction and joy I’ve known has come when I’ve made progress in this area. I was the shy loner kid throughout most of school, hating myself and the loneliness that was always with me no matter where I went or what I did. I never felt like I belonged and I could never seem to relax and just talk and express myself the way everyone else did. During the entirety of middle school and high school, I could count on one hand the number of times I actually hung out with people outside of school. At 21, I’m still a virgin(I think of myself as a super-virgin, since I’ve yet to kiss a girl), never been to a house party or even been invited to one, never had a real girlfriend, and though I’ve done way too much studying on the subject, I’ve done little in real life to address these issues, though I’ve finally grown a pair and started pushing myself harder recently. This is definitely the greatest ongoing challenge and hardship I’ve wrestled with all my life. I often feel like the pain still hasn’t been enough, or else I would have moved past this long ago. This is why I can relate so much to what you’ve written on this blog- that experience of wanting to talk to someone, usually a chick, but then moving on without doing so, or the experience of having all this pain but apparently it’s not enough, because it’s still bearable to be you and you just continue to rest in complacent stagnation. I could go on forever, but these are a few of my hardships and the insights I gained from them. Thanks for being another voice to guide me.

    • Forcing myself to make and keep a schedule, wherein I work out, get my chores done, keep up with college work and /or hold down a job, eat decent food, practice my hobbies, spend time with family and friends, make more money to break out of my current lifestyle situation, and try to have some semblance of a satisfying social life

      That sounds tiring. So many things to focus on. The more I think about it, the more I like the idea of habit forming. Ideally, having a hierarchy. For me, in the past 6 months, it has been going to the Muay Thai training. I have literally not missed out a single time, no matter how badly I wanted to just stay in bed because I had eaten badly or whatever. The rest of my life is something of a mess, but this is the one constant I have been having and I like it that way. If I start having other habits, this will still be the foundation. If I fail with the others, I will keep carrying on with this. So far the plan, anyway.

      My social life is at it’s all time low. It pains me, but who gives a fuck. I have something of a friend here in the house. He does not like my approach to life, trying to be a dominant loner. He looks at me motherly and tells me oh, but how nice would it be if I could just … well, yeah, he does not even know exactly what he advises me to do, just going about how bitter I am. Brother, if you think I am too bitter for you and if you think that my choice to be alone – and it is one, even if forced through circumstances – makes me an annoying person, do not spend time with me.

      I do no want pity. I despise it. I will not give any to you – I think you would despise it, too.

      Unfortunately, it didn’t last, and it wasn’t enough. Keeping all my hours and days occupied kept me to myself most of the time, robbing me of the one improvement I needed and still need the most- to improve my social skills and social life.

      Then you have been a coward for planning all your days without making room for the things that most challenge you. I am not innocent of this atrocity, but I will call it what it is. Fuck all those people who say you need to love yourself. Do not despise your existence, obviously, but feel free to judge yourself in all other ways. If there is something despicable about you, it deserves to be despised. I myself have grown a bit overweight in the past year. I do not spend much time thinking about it, but I will not deny that I am a weakling for not being able to manage that problem.

      But still cool that you pushed through with it. Discipline can be really fun.

      As for the fondest memories, try not to idealize. Memories are distorted pieces of shit. Hell, I torture myself every single time in the gym, but when I get home, I have long forgotten how it actually felt and look forward to do it again. How irrational is that? Not to say that moments can not be enjoyable – but you tend to forget that they weren’t perfect. At the end of a great party, you forget the awkward silence in the beginning. When you get a girl, you forget that you failed ten times before it. The brain is weird in an amusing way.

      With 21, I was also a super-virgin. Who cares. By today, I have fucked one girl. I am 26. I want to do game, but I lack the balls to go out. It pains me. So what. I did some bold shit. I put aside my emotions and carelessly and dominantly kissed a girl at a party, without booze or anything. I saw two chicks dancing before me and caressed their backs like a king. Did not lead anywhere. Do not longer care. I own my life and my desires. My life and my desires do not own me. I feel the despair just below the surface and do not act on it. Success would be cool.

      Frankly, I personally do not care much for a social life other than that I would like to have my own little kingdom and something of a harem. If I was to choose one next goal, it would be to simply go out fucking girls. Don’t need to like me, just spread their legs. Have been suppressing my animality all my life long and now I am tired of niceties and feel like I want to do bold stuff. Maybe that is a pretense. But what is a pretense, anyway. Time will tell.

      It was not enough pain, yes, that sounds like something I can imagine thinking, too. Ironically, it is just as stupid as expecting life to be all happy. Pain is just an emotion. It does not last. What do you expect? Some kind of emotional superstorm that will take you by the ears and blast you through all your challenges? Real life problem solving is much too long-term for that. I figure that mostly, you do not box yourself through pain – because that is actually cool – but through the boredom of repetition and the wish to give in to lovely comforty emotions. Stay sat on the sofa.

      No. Real success is much more cold-blooded and intellectual. A decision does not feel any way, like an idea does not. It simply is. You will know that, having done that wrestling and debating thing. Why not start again?

      Then again, my greatest perseverences in life actually had a positive motivation. Like when I almost fucked that cute girl at the hotel reception. Thought to myself: If life can feel like this, there is a reason to go out and bother going through rejection. Kept going out to talk to girls for two weeks after. Often, if you have not had that kind of reference memory, you are not even sure if it is worth bothering. Then again, after a while, the intensity of the memory fades and all that remains as a motivation is the intellectual memory: Do it. It is worth it.

      At least that’s how it is for me.

      I can not guide you, brother, at least not in social stuff. It is something I have not tackled yet myself. But I know that you can have self-respect even if you are a loser. Does not mean others will respect you for it. A loser is a loser. But you will respect yourself for not expecting them to. Take what you want and give nothing back.

      As for a guide, that is something I started to wish for very recently. In fact, after having met my father was when I realized it’s value, I guess. But when I met him again last weekend, I realized what I wrote above: my memories were emotionalized bullshit. My father is still a guy with flaws and I do not agree with him on a lot of stuff. He can not possibly live my life for me.

      I do not know if you had a father, but for me there is one fundamental problem to be seen: Your father, if good, is the only friend you will hardly ever lose. He will put up with you and confront you with stuff when all others will have left after 5 minutes of discussion. Cause nobody gives a fuck. And why should they? Having spent those 4 weeks with my father, that was invaluable. 4 weeks with a quality man. In real life, this is something you just do not get. I spent two weeks with a weakling friend once. It was cool and fun, but worthless for my development. A weakling father would have been equally worthless, I reckon.

      As Mike Cernovich once wrote, if you do not feel slightly inadequate, you are around the wrong people. So the trouble is really: How do you find someone in your life who actually cares enough to tell you you are an idiot and take enough time to convince you of that?

      Not so much the pain of losing, which was often devastating to my already unsteady self-esteem

      I think that self-esteem is largely leftist bullshit. Try to see it as another kind of pain.

      That is one of the good lessons my father gave me: What is self-esteem but how you esteem yourself? Well, you must be realistic, right? If you are a loser, you esteem yourself lowly. That is just logical. If you are a winner, you esteem yourself highly. So if self-esteem is that important to you, become a winner. Do not wait for high self-esteem. Act like someone who is a winner and you will feel like one. Or not. Who cares. Life is what it is.

      I think that others pampering you and praising you for nothing destroys your “self”-esteem much more than actually losing. Actually losing can make you build up an inner calmness as a protection. My mother was always too nice to me, so now I crave people who do not give a fuck about me so that I an build up strength against that challenge. I even wish for people at the gym to bully me for being fat. That would be so cool, just think. Staring them in the eye and saying: “Yes, I am. Yes, it is disgusting. So what?”

      Does not seem like I structured my reply in any meaningful way. But then again, that is life. There is no one moment of epiphany that solves everything. Just a series of words, actions, thoughts. No, I am not being nihilistic. I think. Glad you took the time to comment. Stay tuned and keep killing, brother.

      • Wald

        There’s a lot to deal with in your large reply so I’ll just choose self esteem.

        Consider these phrases:

        “It is only when we have lost everything that we are free to do anything.”

        “If you’re going through hell, keep going.”

        Wald

        • Interesting how quickly beliefs can change. I find it hard to identify with that old reply of mine.

          I like those quotes. They are true, especially in light of recent developments. My life is turning to shit in all objective criteria, yet I feel as free as never before.

          • Wald

            That’s because when you reach rock bottom, the only direction you can go is up.

            Wald

          • I do not even feel that they need to go up. I know that no matter what happens, I will be fine in my own skin. Let me go to prison. Let me be homeless. Whatever. Please do not make me lose my balls or dick, though, that would be fucked up! Other than that, I trust it will all be good, if painful.

          • Wald

            Agreed. Losing my balls and my dick would cut off half or more of my reason to live.

            Wald

  • Wald

    Great post. Had you not read my most recent post, I would have shared it in this comment.

    So instead I’ll say that there exists reasonable doubt that I should have made choices such that I was most likely to go into the infantry in the army. Mostly because I’m not in the best physical shape and seem to have little motivation or skill to change that. Yet – I did it anyway.

    I didn’t want to ruck 12 miles yesterday. Yet – I did it anyway. The immense pain I felt paled in comparison to relief that washed over me as soon as I realized I was done and had survived.

    Wald