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18.02.2015

Random facts about Tom Arrow

This is too funny, because with the man that is my idol, Mike Cernovich, I share one life experience in an astonishingly similar way. So what’s the best way not to be accused of being a rip-off? To just be a rip-off, right. Let’s start.

  1. Since I can remember, people were telling me that I was intelligent. When I was young, I was convinced that the grown-ups were telling this to all children to flatter and control them. Now I believe it, but I know that a narcissist easily fools himself. So I’ll have to do some IQ test.
  2. This is the one: I don’t remember my age when it happened. May have been 17. My mother had come home from a spiritual retreat in Mallorca where a group of Christians had “healed” her through laying on of hands. The curious thing is that I didn’t even know that something was wrong with her. Anyway, she suffers from some form of psychosis and was a totally changed person, watched the Pope on television and regularly spontaneously collapsed. I was old enough, but it was still terrifying. When I visited her in the nut house, she was sedated and you would hardly even call her a person. More like a sponge. Apparently something like that had happened also when I had been very young. May be an explanation for my problematic personality.
  3. I despise my mother. Since I moved out, I have not missed her and am regularly annoyed when she won’t accept my wish to have no contact until further ado. After reading so much about asshole game – this has to be somehow translatable to game. When other people told me about their intimate relationships with their families, I could only shrug. I would tell people about my situation and they would pity my and be sad. I did not manage to be sad until recently.
  4. I grew up without a father. My mother kept telling me that my father was an egoist and greedy. When he visited, I suggested that he make up for the years of absence by buying me gifts for all past christmases and birthdays. Can you believe it. I saw in my dad only an opportunity to get more of what I was getting from my mother. And how would I, the spoiled child, know what a father would have had to offer me. That there was more to life than getting so-called love thrown at you until you can barely take it.
  5. I live in Germany. I hate the cold. My dad says he moved away for that reason and I don’t blame him.
  6. My parents are both from the Czech Republic and Czech my mother tongue. I have trouble speaking with native Czechs my age because of the English words and slang mixed into it. I speak German very well but I often think in English. In fact, English is my favorite language. All my songs are English.
  7. I have many talents, but most of them superficial, typical for covert narcissists. I play the guitar, write and record songs, I have worked as a photographer, I am a self-employed web developer, I can produce high quality videos, I write poems, articles (obviously) and have tried writing a book, I have a motorcycle drivers license, I am a terrible singer and whatnot.
  8. At the age of 17, I lost 80 pounds within 6 months using simple calorie restriction. This was a key experience in my life that served as proof for the fact that it’s all in your mind.
  9. As a result of this, I thought I was invincible at the end of 2013 and forced myself into a very unhealthy diet for months through sheer force of will. I ended up gaining twice the amount I lost.
  10. In 2013, I almost died in the mountains. I had widely strayed from the rocky path and sleeplessly spent the foggy night freezing in a cave. The only thing I could think about to give me hope was a girl I had been in love with and I chastised myself for such folderol.
  11. I have trouble accepting authority. On my first day in school, I called my teacher an asshole and crashed a pencil into another kids head. Don’t remember the reason. Still in my first school year, I kicked a kid who was lying on the ground and crying in the head; I don’t remember why. I was more or less expulsed from two schools in my life.
  12. I am terribly afraid of women. Actually, it’s not women I’m afraid of. It is seeing a woman in slightest discomfort. I instinctively feel like it’s my fault. It’s not too different with men, but I usually don’t care so much. I hate this shit. I fight it and come off as total asshole at times. Not the attractive kind of.
  13. I like to be alone a lot. Also typical for youknowhat. When I am not around people, I can actually relax quite well. My dad is similar. It’s also why I feel at home on Danger & Play.
  14. I am prone to black-and-white-thinking. This is one key aspect which I need to address in order to become a more rational man.
  15. I do get told that I’m cold. I don’t get invited to parties … too often. Sometimes I hear that I am uptight. I walk straight.
  16. I have about two friends and a five-finger-handful of mid-term acquaintances. Of course, my Facebook count is about tenfold of that.
  17. I like reading. I don’t do it as much as I should, but there is a lot of famous knowledge that is not quite so known to be found. Sometimes it is life-transforming. It’s quite baffling. So you learned about Aristotle in school? Or read about him on Wikipedia? Have you read his books? Ha.
  18. My job consists of sitting in front of computers all day. I hate it. On that note: When you know something about computers, people assume you know everything. So if you are a web developer, your boss will simply call you “IT leader” and expect you to solve network problems, Microsoft Excel bugs, fix the printer and help your colleague change her desktop background.
  19. I can’t stand most people. They bore me. Partly I envy them for their ability to find joy in the overzealous expression of sentiments and small talk. Sometimes I manage to fit in. I do think there is something I can learn from them but I don’t know if I ever will.
  20. I like to have control. I like to understand everything and don’t like emotional thinking and irrationality. Paradoxically, my need to understand and control is sometimes so strong that my mind will simply feel overwhelmed and not even attempt to understand. Thus, I actually fall back to emotional thinking a lot. This also often makes it hard for me to be in the moment.
  21. I partook in an Ayahuasca ceremony and saw the devil. It was the most terrifying experience of my life and I may have lost my mind due to this.
  22. I enjoy melancholy because it is somewhat my base mood. Having said that, melancholy is neither overly productive nor positive. I know that it is possible to change your mood. The problem in life is more often that you don’t really want to.
  23. Being a spoiled child, I own a lot of stuff. I got rid of a big junk of it in 2014. As a part of that, I deleted and trashed most of my life’s photographs. I don’t regret it. You need to stop living a movie.
  24. I drive the mountain bike and like hiking in the mountains. I enjoy the challenge and like the solitude of a seldom claimed pinnacle. The muscle ache during the ascend reminds me of my mortality. My longest mountain bike route by now was 150 km which I finished in 10 hours.
  25. Like my father, I am almost completely immune to the charm of overt narcissists or political leaders. When I see a crowd marching, protesting or applauding in unison, I feel out of place. All I can see is idiots wasting their time doing uninteresting things.
  26. I spent about four years of my life in a boarding school and a therapeutic living community including weekly private and group sessions with the lead psychologist. Did psychotherapy help the little covert narcissist? In hindsight, I am glad I was there; it wasn’t ideal, but the single fact that I was not with my mother surely saved me from becoming an even worse coward than I am.

I think that’s good enough for a rip-off. Enjoy.

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  • Mikey Mike

    Hi Tom

    Haven’t read them all (they were so many). Just struck me. #1 is exactly what I thought too.

    Some nice (free) tests for you.
    A very fun and intelligent IQ test is : Cambridge Brain Science IQ challenge
    Can be repeated since the algorithms produce new patterns on each trial.

    Another pretty good one is Mensa DK IK-test.

    Enneagram type test: Personality. Quite good correlation between types and personality disorders.
    Same goes for MBTI, but that one you do know.

    • That Cambridge test is indeed funny. Short term memory among the top 14%, reasoning pretty much average, verbal skills below average. Guess I’d rather stop writing.

      The jumping numbers fucked me up and made me very uncomfortable. I’m in the top 86% there. In other words: Better than 14% of all people, haha. This thing reminded me of my Ayahuasca experience – which is not a very positive thing. It says that this is typical for people with attention deficit disorder. Though, I wonder if that really is a bad thing.

      I wonder what the demographics of their samples were.

      Gotta say, it’s great to test yourself. Shows you that you can’t fool reality. If you are a lazy ass, your skills will simply not where they need to be. If you eat bad food, training will hurt.

      Also makes you appreciate what you have by killing your illusions. Good thing, that.

      #18, nah, she was just a normal bitch. If somebody is good at something, people assume that this person should help them with it.

      #19, there’s truth in that, my friend.

      #23, more like the rest of us – like who exactly?

      #25, the day we pretend to … that’s funny, gotta remember that.

      I have no clue what your last paragraph is supposed to mean.

      • Mikey Mike

        empathy from egopathy. That last one
        “I care because I am observing my behavior and reasoning that I must be a nice guy, since I do nice stuff (once a year) ;)”
        OR
        “I care because apparently we are supposed to do that. So if I don’t I may be in social trouble”.

        It always falls back to: me, me, me…. Apparently. Ask them for a donation when no one is spotting how much they give.. Typical old social psychology experiments that today will probably be found “unethical” to conduct.

        Anyway mate: You need some competition on those tests. Something to beat A few of my numbers are apparently pretty good:

        Monkey Ladder: 9
        Spatial Span: 8
        Digit Span: 11
        Paired : 6

        Grammatical: 24
        Double Trouble:53
        Object:42
        Odd one out:21

        Rotations: 162
        Feature: 182
        Polygons:138

        Spatial: 13
        Hampshire:50
        Spatial Slider:44

        The study is meant to measure: “Does practice have any effect”.
        In my case it has had. In particular the reasoning and concentration. I had to wake up my brain a little. Memory test, I don’t practice. Done them about 5 times. I find them boring.

        My friend I referred to, he thought he needed expensive stuff. Like the clothes his parents bought him. Very expensive, despite looking pretty normal. You know, english snob style. When he got away from those habits, he sort of found his inner self better. And he is a very nice guy, that has quite a few talents apart from golf and shopping expensive clothes.

        • Mikey Mike

          Some free sites:

          nicologic.com

          http://www.quickiqtest.net/

          ( I got 131 on this one. Ordinary score and brain, out of the non-ordinary. Don’t know what max is on it. It is short, a without a time limit i think. But if one take it rather quickly, then it seems pretty accurate compared to my scores on other sites and tests. )

          http://www.mensa.no/iq/hjemmetest/
          (free test)

          I had 4-5 good hours on CBS the other day. I felt sharp and got some new high scores. Some scores for you to beat. Some of them are quite strong. Those games reminds me of good old Tetris. I spent quite some weeks on that arcade in the 80’s. :).. It was fun to play “it” again.

          Monkey Ladder: 10
          Spatial Span: 8
          Digit Span: 11
          Paired : 6

          Grammatical: 25
          Double Trouble:65
          Object:63
          Odd one out:25

          Rotations: 219
          Feature: 225
          Polygons: 156

          Spatial: 16
          Hampshire:56
          Spatial Slider:65

          Better to have some harder data about abilities, than just a belief and perception

  • MKK

    Hi Tom I randomly stumbled upon your blog and I can relate so much to it. It answers so many questions that ive had throughout my youth. Back in elementary school I would go to roadtrips with my friends and they would party and I will carry a picture of my mother inside a book she told me to read. I was the perfect motherfucking boy. I was beaten up at elementary school and high school. My mother would go straigh to the principle and solve all my problems. I felt protected. She woild blame my father that he doesn’t take action, as he would only shake his head and say.. leave the boy alone he shohould get beaten up and he should learn to protect homself. Eventually my parents divorsed amd my mother filled up my head with shit about my dad. I was so mad at them (even tho i was 20 years old) because she took the security she fakely built for me. It took another man who was willing to mentor me to show me the way.

    Her teachings had turned me into a indecocove whimp and I ask elders for every step I take in my life. For every major decision I dwell on and ask many people because I’m not confident in my own decisions. I recently realized that after a girl I slept with told me I fick her gently.. I’ve been the gentlest guy she’s been with…

    as you mention in yoir posts..I hate her for destroying me and continuing to cut every bit kf a wing that I try to grow. Every time I gain a bit of respect for myself she would cut it down and dininish it. She would make me feel guilty for not talking with her. She would show up at my door nomatter how many times I try to get away from her.

    I like how you said MMA guys are your family and you can relate more to them. I can relate to you from reading your thoughts for the past 3 hours. I feel you closer than I feel her!

    • Hi MKK, glad you like my content. I have been feeling pretty much like a lone wolf out here, not in a very positive sense.

      Your last sentence feels a bit intrusive and inappropriate to me; after all, we do not really know each other, even if we share some background. I will appreciate a little healthy distance.

      I can relate to your hatred; it does burn deeply. The pain of seeing myself and my shortcomings against more healthy people, then thinking of all the times she essentially held me down. My rage is anything but civilized.

      That story about the girl who wanted to be fucked gently, that could be me. There is some kind of switch in my head that gets triggered whenever I get a hint of proving how great and how much better a person than all others I can be. A narcissistic and naive hero-complex. I hate it; partly, because it comes so easy to me to pretend to be something I am not, partly because I know how much it hurts me in the long run. I think you will love this book, which I read recently: No More Mr. Nice Guy. I know, it sounds a bit like a lame self-help whining club book and it partly is, but it is so much more. Really excellent thoughts and observations in there; if you felt you could identify with me, this book will shake you.

      Momma telling shit about daddy, yeah, sounds familiar. Know that song from Eminem?

      When I was just a little baby boy,
      my momma used to tell me these crazy things
      She used to tell me my daddy was an evil man,
      she used to tell me he hated me
      But then I got a little bit older
      and I realized, she was the crazy one
      But there was nothing I could do or say to try to change it
      cause that’s just the way she was

      You still live with your mum? When I told her I would hurt her, I meant it. She probably saw it in my eyes and did not come again after that. As they say, it would hurt me more than her to beat her up, but I do sense I will do it if she comes back.

      That man who mentored you, who was he? Do you want to write an article or article series about it? Would love to publish it; after all, it fits the theme of the blog and I think I could profit from hearing about that experience of yours as well. Drop me a mail over the contact form if you are interested.

  • Wald

    I always liked these kinds of posts. Maybe I’ll do a rip off one day.

    Ich finde es auch schön, dass Sie Deutsch reden können. Auch wenn, ich Deutsch als eine Sprache bevorzuge, kann ich mich leider besser auf Englisch ausdrücken.

    So I’ll probably keep our conversations in English. I do miss Germany, though.

    Wald

    • Please do.

      Ich weiss nicht, warum, aber ich habe mit Deutsch keine so recht innige Verbindung. An Deutschland liegt mir auch kaum was. Englisch ist geiler.

      Besides, if we write in German, nobody will understand.

  • Karin Campbell

    I hope you don’t mind that I am reading and commenting on your blog, cuz I’m not a guy… But it’s surprising how much I relate to your list… IQ maybe higher than yours, but i won’t say the # so i don’t embarrass anyone… I don’t suffer from penis envy, and I’m not an idiot, so I’d like to share, in case you don’t already know, that narcissism is greatly misunderstood. In modern psych’s need/glee to label everyone and thing, the concept of punctuated equilibrium is overlooked. Once you have become aware of being a narcissist, you are doomed to evolve…usually rapidly. If you have even a slight tendency towards introspection, then BOOM, you can no longer be labelled as NPD, you just become someone with narcissistic tendencies. Shroedinger, a watched experiment, superposition and all that… You might have to face the fact that you actually are becoming a nice guy, and that it’s no longer pretend. I had a psychologist tell me that I was a narcissist one time. I told her to fnck off. I am also anti-authoritarian, but that’s just because most people in authority are really just compliant personality types, credential collectors, and don’t deserve my respect. I like people in theory, but not so much in reality. Never met an animal I couldn’t love. In short, I am a caring person, but sometimes the miasm of past pain, family dysfunction and cultural programming causes me to react (whereby I may say or do things I regret). Being perceptive and intelligent means that these reactions can be pretty devastating to those on the receiving end. Maybe evolve away from the label, you wouldn’t call yourself an eater or a sleeper just because you do those things on a daily basis.

    • No, Karin, all fine. Just do not expect me to care about your comments too much or reply to all of them. I am not keen on being friends with women, as you can surely infer from most of my articles.

      Yeah, the labeling is fucking stupid and yeah, authorities are fucking idiots. You may like this one:
      http://manwithoutfather.com/2015/09/24/trust-no-one-you-fucking-arseholes/

      But anyway, who gives a fuck what they call me? I used the term narcissist when I started writing this, now I no longer care to. In many aspects, I also have or used to have Borderline traits and symptoms of PTSD – still working on that one. I am not sure which one fits most. A little of all, I guess.

      As for your personal stuff, I suggest you discuss this with other gals, as I do not really care about you. But you are welcome to keep reading and commenting here. Maybe some of the other commenters will be more interested than me to interact with you.

      • Karin Campbell

        No no. I don’t like to interact. found myself with nothing to do tonight. I’m a cowardly lurker. Have never commented on anything before, prolly won’t comment again.

        No praise, no censure; just sincerely impressed by your willingness to expose yourself.

  • Jim Trompe

    I had a brother that beat me almost everyday, and I suspect my lack of emotion and hyperrationality is related to that. But I have a suspicion that walling off of emotion affects motivation as well. A woman I know was talking about some extremely horrible things that happened to her as a young woman, and oddly feeling her pain, really woke me up emotionally and all of a sudden I felt real motivation to do things in my life. It was kind of a surreal experience.

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