I have written a lot of stuff on this blog that was … too honest. I did not do much to conceal my identity. I posted photographs of myself. I wrote stuff that could be very easily used against me, in ways that I don’t need to explain to you.
Blog has not gotten much love from me recently, I posted most stuff on my Facebook page.
All the while I was doing this, I was driven by a rage. A rage to tell what is on my mind, a rage that made me blindly hate those who want me to shut up or use it against me. Just come, motherfuckers, I thought. But my experience has shown me I do not have the psychic or financial power to defend myself against those who don’t wish me well. I wish I had that power, I really do. But it’s a fight in which I have everything to lose and little to win, aside from a defiant bird flipped at the forces that be.
I suppose some stuff is best kept for locker room talk. Hell, my stuff isn’t even suited for that. I loved reading from those who can relate to my stories. I loved the honest exchange. But I am starting to ask myself if the price I may have to pay for it is not too high. My paranoia aside, there are people out there who have the means and power to go after people who post or say controversial stuff.
But neither do I feel I can really keep writing this blog without speaking my mind. It would feel like a lie. All or nothing. Or is that childish? I don’t know, it’s just how I feel. I’d rather be completely silent than to have to pretend. Rather be alone with my misery than to pretend I am not miserable. Or angry. Or whatever. Anything that people can’t accept.
Maybe there’s stuff we have to deal with on our own. Not stuff that is shared. Kinda sad idea. That in the end, I would bow down to this damning game of pretending and playing nice, of keeping up this ludicrous idea of a peaceful civilization. That friendship can only go so deep and the only person who really ever knows you is yourself.
Maybe I can become a comedian and say all this stuff without people getting nervous, because they think I’m not being serious.
Maybe I can become powerful enough so that nobody will be able to do shit. And those who will, I will crush them badly enough so that they won’t come at me again. But that’s not reality and likely will never be.
What a weird world.
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